Deprogramming......not just for cults anymore!

When I think of deprogramming I think of scary cults, like the Manson Family or the Reverend Moon who had members whose parents would send some professional "deprogrammer" out to bring their wayward son or daughter back from the evil cult. I would picture a special van that would entice the young person to come closer and then a couple of men would jump out, grab them, and throw them into the van. Then the van would depart for a "deprogramming" location where these deprogrammers would "un-brainwash" (?) them I was never sure what that entailed.  

  It's kinda funny when you look up "deprogram" you will still find all sorts of "things" that we, as a society, supposedly need to be deprogrammed from. It is really odd. I am a Liberal and apparently I need to be deprogrammed from that. LoL. I mean these days, deprogramming is becoming more of a pseudonym for "You are wrong and you must be brainwashed because you don't agree with me". That is just out and out silly. 

 For me when I talk about deprogramming I am talking about lifelong actions that we have all been programmed to do our whole lives. Some of these are normal things, like "look both ways before crossing the street". If you don't think that's been programmed into you just think about it the next time you go to cross a street, you don't even think about looking both ways, you just do it. That is programming at its finest. There are also more subtle ways of programming, for instance, if you are an abused wife and your husband gives you a certain look...you might flinch because you know what usually comes next. All of us, throughout our lives are products of programming. Many of us just don't realize it.

One of the epiphanies I have realized during my therapy is that I need to deprogram myself. I have a habit, when I make a mistake, of saying out loud to myself "You are so stupid!". That is a result of my personal programming. When I was a child when my father was drunk (only when he was drunk by the way) he would call me stupid and dumb. If I made a mistake or was wrong about something, which is easy when your a kid, he would tell me that I was stupid. So my programming growing up, no matter how much my mother would say to the contrary, involved being made to feel stupid or dumb. Again, both of my parents also told me good things, although my dad was not one to do that so much. So here we have the most important and influential man in my life as a child telling me that I'm stupid or dumb. Now when he wasn't drunk, as I said he would never say these things to me. He would praise me from time to time and I loved him dearly. But the bad programming stuck. Now I think, had I made a different choice for a spouse then perhaps some of that programming could have been undone. But instead I picked a husband who called me stupid, dumb, and way worse the whole time I knew him. So that re-enforced my feelings of low self-esteem.

The hardest part about deprogramming of this kind is that it is years of programming to overcome. For instance, I know on an intellectual level that I am not stupid. But I still carry that negative program in my head. To overcome it is going to take years, which truly sucks because I am certainly not getting any younger. But I would rather die feeling good about myself and confident than the way I have felt most of my life.


Now just to catch you all up real quick. I spoke with my therapist at my last appointment and he is going to continue to see me without insurance and without payment. I will begin seeing him every other week. The only thing I had to agree to was to not hurt myself. Which of course I agreed. The fact that he would see me like this means everything to me. It means that he thinks I am worth the work. Or at least that is my thought, he never said that. LoL He also gave me some ideas about how I can get my medication for free so I will be attempting that as well. He also told me that there is no way I am ready to go back to work right now. I was supposed to go back on Sept. 1st, then I mentioned the 15th and he said he really doesn't think I am in any shape to do that. Although he told me I could, he doesn't recommend it. So....that puts me in a pickle for sure. I have to see my Psychiatrist on Sept. 1st and then go from there I guess. It is so crazy because I am going to have to talk to the insurance co/my work about this. I already informed my manager and he was fine with it. The problem is going to be getting the OK to go back to work when I'm ready, because my Psychiatrist will not be able to see me without insurance so....I can go to County Mental Health, but I don't think they deal with this...but I will find out. So to say I am stressed is another understatement. Story of my life. 


In therapy the other day we talked about the feelings under my guilt about my parents death, guilt is a way of taking blame to cover up more hurtful feelings that I have like rage and anger. Yay! Rage and anger! I will tell you more about this later. This blog is too long to expect anyone to keep reading it. Thank you for those of you who do read it. I will keep it up!