Long time...no talk to....I know...I suck....lol

Yes, it has been awhile since I updated my blog. A looong while.  I know I've been seriously remiss. But to be fair I have been recovering from my stroke and typing is not the easiest thing for me to do. But I'm getting better so I thought I'd work on updating this blog. I'm also working on my book, which is long overdue. I have gone back and forth on what I was going to write and I think I've finally discovered the perfect fit for me. What is it about? You'll just have to wait and see, but I will say that it has humor, friendship, and a little romance. So we will have to see how far I can get with this. My first book that I started writing was just too involved for me to start with considering my brain issues since my stroke.

  Speaking of my stroke...well I'm still not back to work. I have applied for and been denied Social Security Disability, which I expected, now I'm appealing and then I'll be requesting a hearing. At that point I will hopefully be approved. I no longer have a job to go back to. The banking Call Center where I worked is being closed, probably before I would be able to go back to work. So now I just wait. I am not fit to work at the moment, between my physical deficits and my mental deficits I am unable to work. I had Neuropsychological testing done and was told that I now have the memory of an 85 year old. LoL. My brain deficits have a lot to do with the damage done from my stroke, I have memory problems and problems with multi-tasking and understanding things that are said to me, especially via the phone. I no longer have a car and I get too confused to take a bus without someone with me. I can't follow instructions that contain more than one step. In many ways my brain is just fine, I'm still as smart as I was before but I have problems with some functions. I have major memory issues and some personality issues which is especially tough for my family to deal with. I hurt peoples feelings, which is totally not like me, and I don't even realize it. I get upset very easily, I either cry or get very angry. It's tough for me and my family.

  Physically I still lose my balance and use a cane when I have somewhere to walk outside of my home. The weirdest issue that I have is that I can't figure out how to get down on the ground. I know it sounds very weird. But if I need to sit down or kneel or anything like that I can't figure out how to do it so I pretty much just drop. Then I can't figure out how to get back up. Of course I eventually do find a way, but it is weird how I do it and I almost always need help. I also can't cut up things in the kitchen because of my lack of strength or stir things easily because of my wrist. It is tough to try and turn something over in the skillet, I can't really do it very well and I make a big mess. Sometimes I can't do something as simple as butter a piece of bread. Obviously, Thanksgiving was a challenge and I needed help. Hopefully all of these things will eventually get better with a lot of time. Typing is a challenge, I only use one finger on my right hand, but apparently a lot of my friends do that too! LoL So although it feels weird to me, it's not all that uncommon. Writing is a bust though, writing with my hand that is. It hurts, it is hard and it doesn't look too great. I get so tired that I can't write more than a few things at a time before I have to stop. It sucks to be honest. But only time will tell how much of this is permanent. The Neuropsychologist told me that it may be a year or two before I know what is permanent. *sigh*


  Well I can say that this stroke has helped me learn a lot about the people in my life. For instance I have more people that care about me than I ever knew. I received so many cards and gifts from people that it literally blew my mind! Over 50 people sent me best wishes, it made me feel so loved and appreciated. I also found out that my ex-husband actually cared about what happened to me, he called my oldest daughter every day and asked how I was doing. I also found out that my ex-fiance couldn't give a shit about me, he didn't even ask me how I was when I told him I had a stroke. I FINALLY figured out that he never cared about me, he just thought he did. He doesn't really have a clue as to what love is, but he talks a damn good game and I know he believes it. That is what is so sad. I feel sorry for his wife because I believe that he just wants to be with someone, anyone, it doesn't really matter that much as to who it is. But I know something about him that he doesn't even know himself and I know that he is fooling himself. But hey, you can't make someone realize something about themselves that  they don't want to know. It's sad really. I know who I am, sometimes I don't like things about myself but at least I know who I truly am. I like myself and I'm fine with who I am. I am pretty sure I will die without a companion, but it's OK I would rather die alone than compromise who I am.

  The biggest news I left for last. I have my first grandbaby!!!
She is a girl, my oldest son's daughter. It was tough, we really weren't sure at first if she belonged to my son for sure but we had a DNA test done and it was confirmed. She is ADORABLE! I don't get to see her much since I don't have a car anymore, but when she comes over I am filled with more love and joy than I've felt in a long time! She has such a sweet nature, she is only 4 months old but I feel as though I've known her forever. She is beautiful!

  Well I think that is enough for now. Just wanted to catch everyone up on what is going on in my life these days.

This is dedicated to my exes...

 

Me and my stroke.....

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, last month was extremely crazy! I can't even go through everything that happened. So I will just hit the highlights.

On July 24 I had a stroke. Totally took me by surprise, to say the least.After all, I'm only 49 years old, at least for another week or two. The stress of my life has finally caught up with me.The doctors say that the stroke was caused by stress and high blood pressure. The type of stroke I had is called an ischemic stroke, it occurred deep in side the left part of my basal ganglia. The result was my right side was partially paralyzed. I guess I should tell you all how it happened and what happened. Please take note that the thing that saved me was getting to the hospital within the first 2 to 3 hours. Anyone reading this should pay attention to their bodies, if you feel weird go to the hospital. Better safe than sorry.

What happened was that my daughter and I had just finished eating lunch in the living room. I had put down my glass on the end table and my hand got weak, just as I let go of the glass. I brought my hand in front of me and looked at it, it felt really weird. I started moving my fingers, and then they wouldn't move anymore.I started saying to myself, "something is wrong, this doesn't feel right, I think I'm having a stroke." My 20-year-old daughter asked me if I wanted her to call an ambulance. By that time I felt my right leg, get weak. I told her to call her sister and then to call 911. At that point my speech started to slur. My daughter started to cry. I told her it was going to be okay to go ahead and make the phone calls right now. She was really scared and asked me to stop speaking because it was scaring her. She called her older sister and then called 911. Thankfully, her sister was close by and came right over. My oldest daughter ran to me immediately, crying, and threw her arms around me. I knew she was so scared, both of my daughters were terrified. The look on their faces is not one I am likely to forget anytime soon. My daughter also informed me that my oldest son was freaking out at the news, she said he was hysterically crying. I began to text my stroke status on Facebook, to show my daughter that I was okay and that I could do normal things still. It seemed to make her feel just a little bit better. Then the ambulance got here and started questioning me about my symptoms. The hard part was walking down the stairs, with one leg mostly useless. But we managed to make it down and put me on a stretcher. They got me into the back of the ambulance and then began assessing me for several minutes before we were able to leave. At that point, we jammed out of there and off to the hospital with sirens blazing.

Both of my daughters managed to get there at the same time as the ambulance, even though I told them not to speed. Once I got into the emergency room, things went so fast. They immediately put in an additional IV and the catheter, as well as taking blood samples, then off to get a CAT scan. When we came back, my son, my oldest son came in. The look on his face and the tears coming out of his eyes made me so sad. He was so scared. The look in his eyes was pleading, begging me to be okay. It broke my heart. All the while, I just kept telling him that I was going to be okay that I was going to be okay. And I continued joking around with the ER staff, which made them laugh and made me feel better. Thankfully, a neurologist was in the CAT scan area and heard that a stroke victim had been brought in, so he immediately came downstairs to look at me. After looking at all my test results, he concluded that I was having a stroke. The best course of action he told me, was to administer TPA. He said that when TPA is given within 2 to 3 hours of a stroke it usually has very good results. I really didn't see any other option, of course, so I said, give me the TPA. At that point they began administering TPA, along with some blood pressure lowering medications in my IV. He discussed a few things with me and then they took me up to ICU, where they continue to monitor me. The TPA is a weird type of medication that thins the blood to an extreme degree in order to break up the blood clot in your brain, or in this case, my brain. One of the effects of the drug is that it makes you start bleeding. Any place where you have had a scratch or any place that normally might bleed like your gums. But it does the job that it's supposed to do. After being monitored for a while I was taken up to get an MRI to get an idea of the damage. I have to backtrack here for a minute, I have to say that before getting the MRI I had a roomful of people who worried and who care about me. My friend drove down from where she lives, and even a friend who used to babysit my kids and I haven't seen her for years. She came to be with the kids and to see how I was, she was really worried. Many times we don't realize how many people care about us, until something bad like this happens. My friend told me that her phone had basically blown up with people worried about me and sending messages to me and hugs for me!It was definitely something that I needed! Before the MRI, I was also having an extreme version of restless leg syndrome. It was painful and scary, thankfully, they gave me Ativan in anticipation of the MRI. I'm really glad they did. Because even though I am not claustrophobic, that MRI machine freaked me out! I had to concentrate and breathe, it was really hard. I felt like I was trapped. Panic was tough to keep at bay. 

When the results came in, my neurologist told me that I had had a stroke in my basal ganglia. Thus began my Odyssey, three days in ICU, another two days in regular room, and then off to rehab hospital for another week. The good news is that they thought I was going to be in the rehab hospital for two weeks. But I showed them by working hard to regain as much movement as I could. I didn't want to stay there longer than I had to. Every day I worked hard on my speech, and on my physical therapy, I just wanted to go home. I missed my kids and my dogs. I missed my bed and my couch and my freedom.Of course, they cautioned me about all of the things I may not be able to do, some of it temporary and some of it permanent.

I'm making remarkable progress. My speech is still a little slurred, and I feel tired, tired a lot and tongue-tied. My leg is getting stronger. Although I still lose my balance. The other night. I forgot how to sit down on the floor and just basically dropped on the floor and hit my head. Right now, I don't know what all of the damage is yet. It may take some time to figure it out. I have to be very careful as they told me that I may try to do things that are not safe, not realizing that they are not safe. I have a few bruises on the right side of my body from where I lost my balance and knocked into something but it's not too bad. The weakest part of my body and the part that I need to work really badly is my right hand. It is very weak and uncoordinated. I can't really write, but I do try. It's hard to control my hand and it's painful right now I think there is something else wrong with my arm and my hand. Thankfully, I'm going to physical therapy tomorrow and I'm going to have her take a look at my hand and my arm again. The worse thing right now is that while I've been out with a stroke my finances have gone to hell in a handbasket, and nothing is getting worked out. Nobody is giving me any breaks at all and they keep messing up all of my stuff. So I have no money coming in, when it's supposed to be coming in and bills are backed up to it outrageous amount. I'm worried about losing my apartment right now. It's going to take a while to straighten everything out. I just hope I can do it pretty soon. My daughter is going to try to help me tomorrow in making some more phone calls, trying to straighten everything out. What an awful mess. To top it off, my son drove my car the other night without a license, and it was impounded and the police officer talked to me on the phone, but would not help us at all, in fact he was kind of a jerk. My son was pulled over in a sobriety checkpoint. He was not drinking at all. Everything is fine except that he took my car without permission and drove it on a suspended license. I begged and pleaded with the officer, but he wouldn't budge. I told him we had no money at all, but he didn't seem to care. I told him I needed my car to go to physical therapy and to go to doctors appointments and he still didn't care. All he said was that I couldn't drive the car because of my stroke. Duh! So upsetting and stressful. I lost it, I started crying uncontrollably My blood pressure was through the roof, of course. But after reading some of the stuff that I have read, it's understandable that I would cry uncontrollably as it is heightening all of my emotions right now.I'm just trying so hard to stay stress free. Anyway, my son sold his computer today to pay to get my car out of impound. But thank God, I didn't know what I would do. We have zero money right now.... expecting money in the mail, but it's not here yet, so it does me no good. So I have 1 million phone calls to make tomorrow trying to get some help.

Well there you have it. That's what's been happening in my life. I actually wanted to tell you about some great things that happened just before this, but unfortunately, this stroke has eclipsed everything. Not sure how long I'm going to be out of work anywhere from 3 to 6 months depending on how my hand comes along. If I can no longer use my hand to type on the computer, then I'm going to have to be retrained to do something else, I will no longer be able to do my regular job. Thankfully, I have some voice software that translates my speech to typing on the computer.We'll just have to wait and see if I can ever type normally again.

One thing I have to say, my friends rock. My kids rock! I received so many cards from friends who were worried about me and it really cheered me up to get those. I really, really, needed them because my life has changed so much from one little thing that I didn't see coming. I didn't really feel like many people gave a damn about me that they just said they did to be nice (I have such awesome self-esteem, I know. lol), but to receive these cards showed me that they really do care, and it meant everything to me. One friend offered to fly in from back East to take care of me, that was so sweet and so surprising that someone would care enough to fly out to take care of me.

I am indeed blessed to have so many people care about me, and I love them all so much. My life will never be the same again. I have so many things to consider and so many changes to make. It's scary!

I'm going to leave you with a few warning signs about strokes. I hope you never have to experience this for yourself.I love you all!

Confusion and awareness...time to act......

Not sure where to start. I know I'm forgetting something, some things, plural, I'm sure. But the one thing that has been weighing on my mind is something that I was hoping would resolve itself. I have tried for a long time to push this towards a resolution but it has never been successful. 

  What am I talking about? My son's mental illness. It became painfully clear to me the day before yesterday that my youngest son, who is 22, is truly disturbed. I am not sure what sort of mental illness he has, but I know he has one. He has been seeing a doctor for medication for his depression and that has helped. But what is wrong with him is so much more. 

  When he was in high school and got sent to the "continuation" high school, he DID see the school psychologist. He had her snowed, but good. He has admitted it to me. I knew something was wrong based on an appointment I had with her and the things she was saying were just not right. But she wanted to believe him and I understood that, he is VERY convincing and charming and manipulative. I should know, he's lived with me his whole life. I had wanted to send him to see someone else, at first he had agreed, and then later he said "no". I am not sure what to do. Can a therapist REALLY see through him? I seriously have my doubts after the school psychologist. Not to mention the fact that so many people believe what he says. Of course this all brings me back to my contribution to his illness. I mean, my mother had mental illness, I have it, my oldest daughter is bi-polar and my oldest son also struggles with depression. My dad committed suicide, my paternal grandfather was a sadistic monster and my maternal grandmother was emotionally withholding. 

  I've thought a lot about how my son and I are alike and I realize that although we had some of the same behavior, I grew out of mine around the time I was a teenager. I also realized that we had different reasons for what we have in common. Confused yet? OK, this is HARD to admit, truly....but when I was younger I invented things....a version of lying to be sure. Not often, but I did. When I was a kid and some of the other kids were teasing me because my mom was fat, I told them that she was pregnant. She wasn't of course. I created a fake boyfriend when I was 12, mainly so that my parents would think I was more social. Stupid, I know. Also I wanted my friends to think I had one.  Funny, because I did have one for awhile before that. Maybe I wanted to continue to be special? I was the only one with a boyfriend, fake or real. I also think I really wanted one again, although a "boyfriend" at that age in THOSE days was totally different than the young girls who have boyfriends these days. I didn't make the boyfriend thing elaborate, just stated it as a fact and that was that. So I understand wanting some attention or wanting to feel special. I think that was why I did it. But as I said, I grew out of it. 


  My son on the other hand has created things that are awful! The first time that I KNEW he did was sometime in high school when his friends' mother asked me one day how my son was doing. I was like "fine". But the look of concern was evident on her face. She then proceeded to explain that my son had told her that he had cancer. Which he did not. I confronted him about it and he used something our doctor had said to him as a basis for this "cancer". Why I don't know...I was just shocked that he would do something like this. But then I knew someone who did something like this when I was in high school....I was with my friends outside a funeral home where we had just attended a mutual friends rosary, it was a few days after she had died up the street from me. She had been hit by a semi-truck while riding her bike. Anyway, we were all crying and upset and then this other "friend" of ours decided to let us know that she was "dying". She said that she was very ill and was going to die. Now of course we were devastated. This was such an awful thing to hear. We were so sad but we were very supportive and everything to her.....then later she started withdrawing from us. Turns our she had lied, she was not dying. She left school not long after it became pretty apparent that she had some serious issues. So I KNOW what it is like to hear something like this from a friend. I have no idea what got into my son, but I had hoped that it was a one time thing.


  Well I was wrong, a few years after that I had encouraged my son to go to county mental health services to see someone, we didn't have medical insurance at the time. Well one day he sat in my living room with his girlfriend at the time and told me that he had multiple personality disorder. Now, I am very familiar with the term, which is not used anymore, so that tipped me off first. The stuff he was saying was just so off the wall. I knew he was lying, I just knew it. Not to mention the fact that he never went back and I'm sorry you cannot be diagnosed with something that serious in one or even two sessions with a psychiatrist. 


  Then a couple of days ago I read something on a social networking site that he posted, so that his friends would read it and give him all of the attention that he craves. He and I had just had a fight, something tells me that fights (whether with me or others that he cares about) trigger these delusions. I am not even sure what to call them. What he said was a SERIOUS accusation, one that I KNOW is not true. Had it been true I would have known it a long time ago, trust me on that one. The pattern is there.


  So I sat here and just kept thinking about this and wondering, is this genetic? Did I pass this down to him? Another mental illness in that family? THEN it dawned on me as I started to write this that his own father had done the same thing as an adult. I remember reading a letter that he wrote that was a TOTAL lie. It was to his girlfriend, we were no longer together, anyway he was telling her stories that were not true about his time in the service. About how he got shot and had to fly back to the states (we were living overseas together so I know the stories to be false) and was a spy. WTF??!!!! I was like, WTF are you trying to do here?! Then I recalled the same type of bullshit from him when we were together, although not as creative. Trying to get someone (me or in this case his girlfriend) to feel sorry for you, not fight with you, give you attention. My ex did that with me when we were together, but only a couple of times, he really did that a lot after we were no longer together. He became really delusional and I remember thinking that he TRULY believes what he is saying. I am not so sure about my son, if he believes it or not. But I do know that he needs some SERIOUS help!


  So when I go to see my therapist I will discuss it with him and get his take on it. Not to mention that I need to find a therapist for my son and hope he will go. I will be looking for a male therapist and hopefully mine can recommend one to me for him. I don't even know if he can be helped. It is just shocking to me, I don't know if I was too involved with my own depression to realize just how serious this was or what. That is something I am going to have to live with I guess. 


So much more to talk about but this has really worn me out....So until next time......

Me and Depression are about to have a showdown!

Hey kids, I'm Back! I know it's been a looooong time! Well finding the time and the energy to write since I went back to work has been tough. A LOT has happened in the 6 months I've been gone.....I am not even sure where to begin and god knows that I don't want this to be an extremely long blog either. So I guess I will give y'all the highlights.....

 

1) Went back to work in January, got re-trained so that was nice to ease in and not be on the phones right away.....(I'll write more about this later)

2) Remember the ex-fiance who came to visit me in September? After declaring undying love, etc....well he remarried his last ex-wife within 6 months of that visit. Nice huh? Sure made me feel like I didn't matter, he could have married anyone.....sad to feel as though I wasn't as special as he led me to believe. Oh well, life goes on and obviously proved to me that I made the right choice in not marrying him in the first place.

 

3) Found out some interesting things about one of my kids, sorry that I can't share....but let's just say that I was shocked but at the same time hurt that it took so long for my kid to tell me.

3) Have permanent houseguests. Thankfully they are helping with the rent now. 

 

4) Still having money issues, surprise. But then again I had a lot of catching up to do and I now have a car payment, traded in my SUV for a smaller car. So that is nice.

 

5) Gave my youngest son who is living with me an ultimatum. Get your diploma and get a job by November or he's gonna have to join the military or something. I am planning on moving at the beginning of the year so something has to change, I can't afford to support so many people mostly by myself. Everyone pays a portion of the rent, but I pay for everything else. Thankfully the friends of my son's who live here get their own groceries so I don't have to worry about that.

5) Found out that one of the girls in my re-training class took off for about the same amount of time that I did and for the same reasons almost. We even have the same psychiatrist so that was really interesting. We have gotten together a few times to talk about everything, we both have the same issues about the calls and disability and everything like that.

 

So I think that covers a lot. Not everything I'm sure, in fact I know it doesn't......had some deaths in the family as well and took too much time off from work so I am on my final written notice, next time I call in I will get fired. Nice, huh? But here is an even funnier thing. I was #1 on my team and got an award for it a couple of months ago. I am still a high performer at my job. I take a Klonopin every day before I start. I am always on time and I do a very good job while I'm there. They've changed a lot of things there and some are good and some, not so good. But thankfully I am on a great team and my manager has helped me a lot. He is a great guy and doesn't put any pressure on us and yet all of us perform very well. If they try to take me off of his team I will fight it. I've made a couple of new friends on the team as well, we are the same ages and get a long great. We are a lot alike in many ways. So that has been positive. Like I said in my last post those many months ago, I am trying to focus on the positive in my life. It is hard sometimes. I am thankful to still be seeing the same therapist. He and my psychiatrist are both EXTREMELY surprised that I have been doing as well as I have. But some of it is falling apart because of my inability to go to work the way I need to. My manager tried to help me by letting me know that I could apply for FMLA leave to where I would get a couple of days off a month without issue. Unfortunately, although my doctor filled everything out I was not able to get it because I was out for so long that I have to build up my hours. So it will probably be January or February before I can get enough hours to do that. I just hope I can last.

I made sure to schedule my vacation days so that I get a 4 day weekend around every other month. So that is a good thing I think. It helps. I am going to have to have a showdown with my depression and fight the hell out of it to keep me at work every day. I NEED to keep this job and right now it is almost impossible to do if I can't get it together. I mean, I literally fight with myself every day almost about going to work. It is really bad. Then the way they have it there, you might as well call in sick for a week than just one day, it all counts the same against you. So they make it really hard to go back.  So anyway, we will see....I HAVE to go!!!! 

 

In a few weeks I will meet up with my girls for a concert up north. I have friends coming from out of town and out of state., I can't wait to see them. I am really embarrassed because I have gained about 50 pounds at least since I saw them last. But I am trying to not let that interfere with having a good time. I plan on forgetting that and just enjoying myself. It is sad, they want me to come up the day before the show but I can't because of work so I am basically going to only see them for the day and then come back home the next day. I hopefully will be able to pack a hell of a lot of fun into that small amount of time. Trying to get the money together to go is hard enough, but at least I already paid for my ticket and we have front row center seats! I haven't seen the guys in the band for like 2 years so that will be cool as well. They haven't seen me in forever so they probably won't even know who I am, especially since I've gained so much weight! But I am going to just be me and have fun!!!! I need it and I deserve it. So depression, we are going to have a showdown at high noon and you will LOSE!!!!! 

 

Oh yeah and in case anyone is interested.....I am working on a book, so many different ideas in my head.....at least I have ideas right? It is hard to find the time to write, it truly is.....but I am determined to so this!!!! See ya next time....and I promise I won't wait near as long this time.....

Back in the saddle again.

So begins another year. One that I hope will yield a much better outcome than its predecessor. Last year frankly sucked. This year so far is not living up to it's hype, but it is early yet so I will save my judgment for later. 

I am finally returning to work after an 11 month hiatus. I had hoped to accomplish much more than I did, but unfortunately things were out of my control so I will have to make the best of it. I also need to focus on the positive like the fact that I found a great therapist. I wish I had found him sooner, but better late than never. I must admit that I am really stressing the fact that due to my current work/training schedule I will not be able to see him for over a month. This is a critical time for me, I wish I could find a way. But at the same time it will be more critical AFTER the training is over so I will focus on that. See, I really am trying to focus on the positive. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow, I haven't seen him for a month due to my car breaking down. So much to tell him and not enough time to do it in. Which brings me to.....


I found some old letters I had written to my ex-fiance. Letters that I didn't give him, but wrote as I tend to do. It was very emotional reading for me as it brought me back to my rape, as well as other things that happened, that I was relating to him. The good part about this was that I gave him not only the blow by blow but what was said word for word. I know that must sound terrible. In many ways it really is. But I plan on writing a book and to have this information is critical as it is one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me and as such I tended to not think of it and to try and forget it, thus the details have been fuzzy. This helps. But yes it also brought me back to a horrible event and forced me to relive it. Even today I am having a hard time with it, my mind is desperate to push the thoughts and feelings away. It hurts so much and I am afraid that the rage will overpower everything. But it needs to be dealt with, finally. So when I go to see my therapist tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. Not all of which can be done to say the least, especially in such a short time period. But it is a start. Better to at least start then to leave it hanging. To leave it hanging will probably cause me to deal the way I usually deal, which means put it back where it was and run away.

So positivity starts now. I have determined that I am going to find a way to love my job, to focus on the positive things about it. To rebuild my life, the therapy will help with that. I am sad that I won't be back on my medication before returning to work, but I have to accept that not everything is going to work out on the timetable that I have. Eventually I WILL be back on my meds and eventually my car will get fixed and eventually, god willing, I will love my job. And most importantly.....eventually I will have my life back and I will love it! 

You say you want a Resolution....well you know, we all want to change our life.

Yep, just a silly play on words there. Resolution #1- No more silly "play on words".

Seriously, this has been another not so great year. But I have had many that were much worse than this one. Honestly there are some good things out of it too. I mean, I am finally hooked up with a good therapist who seems to be helping me. Some walls are starting to crumble and that is a positive direction for me. This year has been especially tough due to a death in the family, my not being medicated when I need it, some issues in my son's marriage that are still weighing heavy on him, and financially it has been a disaster that will take another year to get out of. But it could be worse. I lost my house but I do have a roof over my head. My kids are all alive and doing the best they can. We are still a family and that is the most important thing in the world. I've lost a lot of material stuff this year, belongings that can never be replaced....I have to forget about that or I'll go crazy. That is probably one of the worst things for me this year.

I have learned the power of friendship and have received some great support. Not many ups, but the ups were appreciated when I had them. Right now I feel down, I have a hard time shaking that. But I know that going back to work and getting back on my medication will help that a lot. Combine that with therapy and I am on my way to a happier, healthier life.

So many things I wanted to do this year, but I never was able to get them done. Between the PTSD and no money it was pretty much impossible. But as time goes on and the fog in my brain starts to clear I am hopeful that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. I am seriously try to work on my book and that has been a long time in the making. The issue I am having is getting it started and in what format. It isn't so easy to just write a book. So many things to consider. I am still try to figure out how I want to proceed. I am kinda all over the place between wanting to basically write out a flat "story of my life" or a book of fiction that actually isn't entirely as I would be using my real-life experiences as part of the book....or I may just write a book of essays, try to find the humor in so many dark situations. Obviously some things that I want to write about are not humorous at all, but those can be in a different book, I don't have to cram everything into one book. I just have so many ideas, I've even had ideas for straight fictional novels that have nothing to do with my life. Sometimes with writers they want to put you into a box of what you are a writer of. For instance it is considered illogical for a romance writer to write a non-fiction book. Where to begin is the question. Once I begin if it is right then the writing will flow. I know myself well enough to know that much.

One resolution I am TRYING to do is to talk less. It seems that half of what I say doesn't even get heard so what is the point. I am a lifelong talker. It will be a hard habit to break. It will serve me great as a writer with lots to say, but talking.....well no one likes that. So that will take the most work I think. To be conscious of how much I talk and trying to pare it down. I will also do my best to keep up this blog which will be harder now that I am going back to work next week. But I will certainly give it a good shot, because it is important to me and to the few who read it. I know I should and could market this blog....but it is kinda nice to have people "find" me. I hope that more people find me, I have a lot to say and I think that some people might like to hear it.

So for now I am off. I have more resolutions to think out and write down. Let's see how many I keep. How many will YOU keep? Most of us give up within the first couple of weeks. I challenge us all to see if we can get through a month and then another and then another....soon it will be next year and we will be so proud of ourselves if we can keep at least one of them. My suggestion: Make the list short and doable. Then take it day by day and see how it goes. 


Good Luck to all of you and have a happy and safe new years eve and a wonderful new year!!! We deserve it!!!!

Much ado about nothing and nothing to do about something!

Yesterday, oh yesterday...what a waste of my time and then some! So frustrating! Frustration is something I really don't need right now. Yesterday was the day I went to see the "county" doctor to get my medication, finally. I've waited for months just to get this appointment. This is medication that I have been lacking, but needing, for many more months now. Once in the office the doctor asked me the usual background questions but first she had them take my blood pressure. It was pretty high even for me. But hey, it's been that way before. She decided that we should talk some more before taking it again. So we went over my meds history and mental health history. One thing she said is that I am not a typical mental health sufferer. Most people with my disorder smoke, do drugs, or drink regularly. She said people who suffer from PTSD usually use one of the above to deal with the anxiety, etc, that occur with this disorder. Another thing that came to light was me going back to work. She immediately said, "NO! There is no way that you can go back to work like this!". Then she pretty much berated my therapist for agreeing to OK me to go back to work. But like I told her he doesn't think I should go back but he is also practical and knows that I need to make a living, I can't keep living on disability....it is causing me more stress in this particular case. At least with my job I can get my medical insurance back and get my medication etc. Well this doctor told me that a) I should be on Social Security Disability (apparently she didn't realize that it is not that easy and takes a LONG time to get) b) I should get "cash aid" until it kicks in. HOW out of touch can one person be? Especially one who is giving this kind of advice. First of all as I stated SS Disability takes many months to get IF you can get it. It would pay less than $20 a month more than I am getting right now, which isn't much as it is. Second of all if you own any property at all (in my case my car) you can't get cash aid. You can't have ANY income either of course. No guarantees that I would even get it. I am not even going to attempt it as the last thing I need is to be worse off than I already am. This stress could literally kill me which brings me to my next issue.

My blood pressure....well it was taken 3 times while I was there and each time is was well over what it should be. It ranged from 179-182 over 97-100. It's not like it hasn't been that high before, it has, although rarely.  Usually never when I am on my blood pressure medication. The doctor got real serious and said she wanted me to go to the hospital. WHAT? She not only wanted me to go but she wanted an ambulance to take me. She said I would get in faster, that they could give me an IV with medicine to bring my pressure down. She said she was afraid I was going to "stroke out". I said I couldn't afford an ambulance and she said "don't worry, just don't pay for it...no one else does". WTF? By then she just had me kinda freaked out. I mean I knew the pressure was bad, I hadn't had BP that high in a really long time, I take medication for high blood pressure so for it to be that high while on medication is a bad thing. I know that. Of course she wouldn't give me ANY of my medications that I came in there for because of the BP readings. So she said to go to the hospital and once they cleared me I could go back to her the next day (today) and they would TRY to work me in. No guarantees. So I was supposed to take an ambulance (that I can't afford) to the hospital (which I also can't afford) to get the OK to come back to MAYBE see the doctor and MAYBE get medication that I need. OK so I bit, let the ambulance take me to the hospital (yes, she scared me into it)......where I proceeded to wait for almost 5 hours without having my vitals checked again. I figured if I was going to "stroke out" I would have already done it by that time. Upon looking at stroke information I also saw that medication has to be given within the first 4-1/2 hours of a stroke to help. So I was past that point when I decided to leave the hospital. There was a man there with chest pains who told them that he was having trouble breathing and he still was waiting when I left. There were so many people there and by law they are supposed to re-check your vitals after 4 hours. So when I wasn't re-checked, even when I verified that fact with them and was assured that I would be checked, I didn't see the point in remaining. What a waste of time and then some.

So here I am STILL with no medication and stressed even more now. Between finances, my car that still doesn't work, and going back to work I am beyond stressed and unable to do a damn thing about it. I am trying so hard to keep things together and be calm. I cannot help the sense of panic I feel, I'm not sleeping much and I have no more meds to help with that....so yay! I am not in a good way, but I am still trying. 

I don't know how any of this is going to play out. I am really worried and trying not to dwell on it. So many things are out of my control. I have tried to do things the right way. I tried to do things the "county" free way. But so far nothing is panning out and I am still without help. I truly feel for those who are in worse shape than I am. This experience has truly given me a sorry glimpse into how others are having to deal or not deal with all of this stuff. Mental health issues are still a little on the taboo side and without help or an inner strength (like I apparently have) I can certainly understand why so many people give up or go completely crazy. It is easy to do when you have no hope. I feel that right now. At least I have a small life preserver even if it attached to a job that I hate and is bad for me....at least there is something there that I can try to work with. So many others don't have that. It really makes you appreciate what you have, even if it isn't always what you want.

Embracing emotions.....

As I get further in my therapy I find that the walls I have spent years building are coming down and it is terrifying. When I was a kid growing up I was overly emotional. Most people who witnessed this display had no idea what I was going through at home or what was happening in my life. My feelings would get hurt really easily. I was very raw emotionally and fragile....for good reason....but as a kid you don't really examine that in your fellow kids. So I got teased A LOT for crying when I was sad or my feelings were hurt among other things. No one helped me, teachers wouldn't lift a finger....they just let everything run it's course. So I would cry, kids would tease, and I would go home and cry some more because people were so mean and hurtful. I felt powerless. They call it bullying now. Back in those days it was considered kids being kids I guess. Teachers were indifferent. But hey, I got through it eventually. I didn't make a habit of crying in public as I got older of course. When I was with my now ex-husband he would be incredibly cruel to me and yes I would cry. I would cry a lot. In public when he would say hurtful things to me I would tear up but I struggled to never cry. Anyone in that situation would want to cry. The things that were said and done were wrong, incredibly hurtful. I am a human being with feelings so naturally when I was hurt I would cry. But I was working on developing a thick skin, even then.

When things went south for the last time with my husband and the pain was beyond anything I could handle I started building a wall. I reinforced that wall with brick, mortar, steel, and a force field miles away from my heart. Building a wall protects your heart but it also insulates it from all of the good things. The joy of life. The only hurt I allowed myself was the death of my parents. There was no way to keep that pain out. Nor could I keep hurt and pain out when my kids were hurting. Once upon a time I would get emotional at sad movies or really sweet happy endings. With the walls I built that became a thing of the past. I found myself unable to feel much of the empathy that I had always felt for others.

Therapy has changed that and it scares the hell out of me. I think I started changing even before I started therapy, but therapy has opened the floodgates. I try to remember that it is OK to cry, it is OK to "feel" things. I find myself getting emotional watching movies now and it has been a really long time since I have felt this way. My ex-fiance would try to get me to cry when I was upset and all that did was make me dig in my heals and refuse to cry. Crying for me meant weakness, vulnerability. When I was in elementary school it meant teasing and bullying. When I was married it meant being vulnerable to a sadist who loved to make me cry. So to do this now is VERY scary to me. I don't know how to control it which is particularly scary for me. 


Soon I will be going back to work and then I will have to learn how to control it in a hurry. It is a bad job to have in this condition. I don't know what these long forgotten emotions will mean for my life. I do know that I am not enjoying being hurt and I have been feeling hurt recently by silly little things that I should just let go. But it is making me aware that the feelings and emotions are coming back into my life. I don't know what to do with them right now. I know that I need to "feel" because without feeling sadness or empathy I can't feel love and joy. I am trying to have a new resolve in my life as well. I am resolved to live and not care what others think of me. I have to be true to myself and remember to let some things go, even though it is hard and the pain is still there. Is this forgiveness I wonder? I don't know. But I know that I don't have many years left on this earth and I don't want to waste them in sorrow and pain. I want my love of life back. 


When I was growing up I always put on a happy face and people mistook that happy face for being happy. I learned that from my mother. But I was very unhappy, as was she.  I don't want to "put on" a happy face. I want to be happy and have my face show it naturally! So I think that I shall make that my "new years resolution". To be happy inside and out. Embrace emotions. To cry when I am sad and laugh when I am happy. To just be me, for better or worse. It may not garner me a lot of friends, but the friends I have will know me and appreciate me for who I am whether I am happy or sad, joyous or mad. At heart I am a good person whether some people think so or not, accept it or not, it is the truth and I will no longer let others deter me from it.

The tipping point for my beliefs....

"Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true."

Each of us has our own beliefs, many that we cling to no matter what evidence we have to the contrary. Some of this has to do with faith and some of it just has to do with life experiences. These beliefs shape who we are and who we are going to be. 

So I why do I bring this up? Well, the truth is...I had a bit of an epiphany the other day....There seemed to be a rash of suicides as of late with people in the semi-public eye, a couple seemed to prod me into a response. First Bernie Madoff's oldest son and then the mayor of Springfield, Illinois committed suicide in the past week. Of course this news was posted on news websites and blogs of which I read. I found myself responding to several posts from people who commented. Some of my posts were to clear up some misconceptions, for instance....MANY people seem to think that when you commit suicide that your life insurance company will not pay out upon your death. That is a misconception. Most policies will pay out IF you've had the policy for at least 2 years. I think this is to keep someone from making a rash decision to kill themselves to help their families by taking out a large policy that will pay their families a lot of money. You may ask how I know this....well if you are not a regular reader of my blog then you may not know that my father committed suicide 11 years ago in February. I was surprised when I discovered that his insurance policies would pay out. Knowing my dad I would bet that he knew it too. He made a point of letting me know about his policies after my mom died 4 years earlier. Of course I am sure that he didn't think that I would blow the money out of spite for what he had done. I felt like it was "blood money" and I wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible.


One of the other comments that someone had made was about the mayor being Catholic. Another commenter responded, "Why does that matter? What was the point of saying that?". Several other people made comments, some in the same vein, some criticizing Christians, and others talking about "mortal sin". Both of my parents were brought up Catholic and went to parochial schools, all of my cousins on my dad's side went to parochial schools....when I visited we always went to Mass. My parents became Methodists together before I was born. But my dad's family was still very Catholic depending on your definition....for some of them were practicing and some, well let's just say I don't think they displayed the most Christian type behavior.

When my father killed himself several of his siblings attended the funeral. I was so confused by my fathers suicide and numb at the same time. My aunt who was VERY Catholic was one of the attendees. Being so pious I questioned her about if my dad was in hell now because of what he did. I was so confused and worried about his soul. My dad wasn't a bad man. He made a lot of mistakes but I know that he did the best he could in life. So I was really afraid of what my aunt was going to say. She told me that the devil was holding the gun at the time he shot himself, that his soul was in such despair that God had taken it before the deed was done and that the devil had pulled the trigger. At the time that response also confused me. But at the same time it has had a profound affect on my beliefs both religious and non-religious.

When my mother died I felt closer to God than I had in a long time. I KNEW that my mother was going to a better place. I was sad and devastated by her death, but I knew she was somewhere that I could still talk to her. I felt her soul leave this realm at her funeral when I thought she felt that we were OK. I felt none of that with my dad. I wasn't mad at God or anything like that. I still believe in God, but my thoughts about religion and God have changed. Part of that is because of what my aunt unknowingly planted inside my head. The Catholic belief that suicide is a mortal sin is deeply ingrained and for her to come up with a way in which my dad would STILL go to heaven showed me how people can twist and change their core beliefs to fit their situation. I have heard so many Christians interpret the bible, their holy book, a thousand different ways....same with Muslims and the Koran.....and Jews with the Torah. I also look at peoples' behavior. So many Christians I know, and many I don't know, DO NOT adhere to what they say are their beliefs. These are people who go to church and are pious on Sunday, but the next day it is back to being backstabbers, liars, haters, or whatever their particular peccadillo is. Of course not all Christians are like this, but it seems the more I know people the more I see the hypocrites all around me. The ones who "practice" what they preach? I admire them for walking the walk even if I might not agree with their religious beliefs. I have finally realized that I am not a Christian. To say those words is very difficult for me as I was a Christian most of my life. It is dangerous to say those words. It is almost blasphemy in the current cultural climate to utter those words. Personally, I accept everyone's beliefs as their personal choice. I choose not to believe what they do, but that does not make me a bad person. In fact I think it would be safe to say that I practice more "Christian" behavior than many Christians I know. Not being a Christian is not the same as not believing in God. But there are many who would argue that. To me what I feel is in my soul, deep within me. My God does not hate. He does not condemn all of those who do not believe in him, he doesn't condemn gays (after all HE made them that way) and he is loving, not vengeful or jealous. My God believes that our actions and our heart are what is important. He sees through all of the BS. My God challenges me, he doesn't punish me no matter what I may feel sometimes. In short, my God loves me and sees me for who I am. IF there is a heaven, I will be going there. I don't believe it is someone up in the clouds....hell it may just be in a galaxy far, far away. Or we may just be energy that is recycled into some other life form. I don't know, none of us knows for certain. My dad always believed that we keep coming back until we do it right. If all of this is true then I believe my mother is in heaven and my father is back here somewhere in another form trying to get it right.

The world is so much bigger than where we are....

 What do you do when the place you feel most comfortable in, and at home in, is in a different country? I have no clue. For me the place I feel most at home is in old town Heidelberg, Germany. I used to live in Germany and France as a small child and then Germany again as an adult. I also ventured back there several years ago. Heidelberg has always been my favorite small city. The cobblestone streets of the old town is my favorite area, the sidewalk cafes and the river cruises. It is a beautiful city.


I love Germany. I don't think I appreciated it as much when I was there as when I wasn't. When my ex husband and I left there we spent the rest of his military career trying to go back. Of course the military never seems to send you where you want to go. Lol. Having grown up in a military family I was used to moving as a child. I was one of the luckier ones though because the moves stopped when I was about 7. As a kid I kinda relished being in the same place, until times got tough at school or something and then I longed to move! When my ex and I got married we decided that it was probably a good idea to join the military as we were starting a family and it provided financial security as well as medical care. Of course being as naive as we were we did not for a moment think that we would be shipped overseas for his first duty station in the Air Force. But sure enough our first assignment was to Germany. We were both pretty upset. I was crying and my husband was desperate to trade with someone, anyone! I look back on it now and realize that in retrospect it was the best thing that could ever have happened in my life. For one thing, it gave me a larger world view. Even at 19 years old I began to realize that decisions being made in the US were affecting people in these other countries. To live in a foreign country when you're in the military is to check your car every morning before work to make sure it hasn't been tampered with. Car bombs were all the rage when we were there. At the time the terrorism was more related to the missiles that our government wanted to deploy there. This was during the cold war so it was the west vs the USSR, aka the Soviet Union. I think the most profound thing for me was when I watched the movie "The Day After" while I was there. I remember looking at that and thinking, "it would happen just like that". As a military wife I also got to go through a kind of "what if" fare....It was really an experience. We had these different stations. One station you would have your blood typed and could donate blood. There was another station where you got gas mask training in case of chemical warfare. THAT one really scared me because up and until that point the only war I thought we'd get into would be nuclear in nature. So that was a reality check. The most ridiculous one? The one where we had to fill out forms for where we wanted all of our stuff shipped in case of nuclear war. I was like, "really? Ummm we'd more than likely be dead so there would be no place to ship our stuff or no stuff to ship". Either way it was really surreal.

But I have to say that living overseas taught me more and expanded my world view more than any book ever could. Many times we tend to be very into ourselves here in the US. We are self involved as a country, we believe that the world revolves around us. Is our country a leader? Of course we are. Do other countries look to us to see how we handle things? Yes. But we are not the only country in the world. We are not perfect. No one is perfect. Do I love my country? Of course. Do I like it? Most of the time, yes. But I don't like the arrogance of many of our people. As an American living in a foreign country I made sure to learn the language and was surprised to see how many others didn't even try. Just saying danke or bitte is NOT enough. Most Germans do speak some English, but it is a show of respect when you at least try to speak their language, after all you are in THEIR country. That is also the best way to establish relationships with those you live around.


When I lived in Germany, I didn't live on a military base. I lived in a little village where I knew no Americans. I did meet Americans through my husband and became great friends with one in particular, although we didn't live very near each other. But I met Germans. One of which was my landlords daughter. I became friendly with her and her husband, she also had a daughter who was a year older than my own daughter. A few years ago I was able to go back and visit and stay with their family. Their is no substitute to learning about a culture than to be immersed in it. I would never ever trade all that I learned living in Germany. I love the country and the people. I went to local events, shopped at the local bakery and butcher across the street and visit with the sweetest old woman, Frau Hess, who owned the corner market and did not speak a word of English. But we communicated. I remember when my mom came to visit me she was very impressed that I conversed so easily with Frau Hess and it was obvious that Frau Hess was very fond of me and my daughter. She cried when we I said goodbye before we moved. I will never forget her she was the sweetest old woman I have ever known. Generous and kind.

Which leads me back to my need to ramble. To travel. The last time I felt this way, I was able to go. I spent 2 weeks revisiting Germany, going on to Paris, and then staying in London. I took my then 13 year old daughter with me and hoped that she would learn a little something. The trip of a lifetime. I think I am spoiled having been able to experience these countries. I know that when I started walking around in old town Heidelberg it made me feel like I was finally home. It made me feel happy inside when I had been feeling so very badly. I was having a very hard time in my life, dealing with the PTSD and I wanted something that felt comforting, I NEEDED it. Heidelberg was it. My mind immediately went to "how can I find a way to move here?!". Even at my age I still have that wanderlust and that need to go "home". I know it is a contradiction.


The only reason I ever wanted to come home to the states was to be with my family and friends. Move my family and friends to Germany and I'd be the happiest person on earth. That was the only thing missing there. I will never forget living there or living in France. I will never forget visiting Switzerland, southern Germany, Austria.....seeing the alps which were breathtaking, no picture truly does them justice. I will never forget my visit to the Netherlands, walking through the old side streets in Amsterdam with my mom when she came to visit me. Going to Paris and walking the streets all the way to the Eiffel tower with my daughter. Mangling the French language in an attempt to fit in as best I could. 

The trip to London with my daughter was just so much fun, we walked a lot and shopped at grocery stores and department stores, not just tourist shops. I wanted my child to experience as much local life as she could in every town/city we visited. When I lived overseas I feel as though I experienced and understood so much more than anything I could have ever read or experienced on a brief trip. I can put the world into a larger perspective. I wish that I had the money to travel as much as I want to. Even better I wish I could live months in other countries. To experience life as the locals do is to understand and broaden your world view. So many Americans have no desire to do this. I truly don't know why. Maybe it is because of how I grew up. Some of us are happy to peer out our own window, live in the same town our whole lives and know everyone around us from cradle to grave....Then there are some of us who have an obsessive need to absorb other cultures and experience other ways of life.....some of us just feel a calling to ramble on......