The tipping point for my beliefs....

"Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true."

Each of us has our own beliefs, many that we cling to no matter what evidence we have to the contrary. Some of this has to do with faith and some of it just has to do with life experiences. These beliefs shape who we are and who we are going to be. 

So I why do I bring this up? Well, the truth is...I had a bit of an epiphany the other day....There seemed to be a rash of suicides as of late with people in the semi-public eye, a couple seemed to prod me into a response. First Bernie Madoff's oldest son and then the mayor of Springfield, Illinois committed suicide in the past week. Of course this news was posted on news websites and blogs of which I read. I found myself responding to several posts from people who commented. Some of my posts were to clear up some misconceptions, for instance....MANY people seem to think that when you commit suicide that your life insurance company will not pay out upon your death. That is a misconception. Most policies will pay out IF you've had the policy for at least 2 years. I think this is to keep someone from making a rash decision to kill themselves to help their families by taking out a large policy that will pay their families a lot of money. You may ask how I know this....well if you are not a regular reader of my blog then you may not know that my father committed suicide 11 years ago in February. I was surprised when I discovered that his insurance policies would pay out. Knowing my dad I would bet that he knew it too. He made a point of letting me know about his policies after my mom died 4 years earlier. Of course I am sure that he didn't think that I would blow the money out of spite for what he had done. I felt like it was "blood money" and I wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible.


One of the other comments that someone had made was about the mayor being Catholic. Another commenter responded, "Why does that matter? What was the point of saying that?". Several other people made comments, some in the same vein, some criticizing Christians, and others talking about "mortal sin". Both of my parents were brought up Catholic and went to parochial schools, all of my cousins on my dad's side went to parochial schools....when I visited we always went to Mass. My parents became Methodists together before I was born. But my dad's family was still very Catholic depending on your definition....for some of them were practicing and some, well let's just say I don't think they displayed the most Christian type behavior.

When my father killed himself several of his siblings attended the funeral. I was so confused by my fathers suicide and numb at the same time. My aunt who was VERY Catholic was one of the attendees. Being so pious I questioned her about if my dad was in hell now because of what he did. I was so confused and worried about his soul. My dad wasn't a bad man. He made a lot of mistakes but I know that he did the best he could in life. So I was really afraid of what my aunt was going to say. She told me that the devil was holding the gun at the time he shot himself, that his soul was in such despair that God had taken it before the deed was done and that the devil had pulled the trigger. At the time that response also confused me. But at the same time it has had a profound affect on my beliefs both religious and non-religious.

When my mother died I felt closer to God than I had in a long time. I KNEW that my mother was going to a better place. I was sad and devastated by her death, but I knew she was somewhere that I could still talk to her. I felt her soul leave this realm at her funeral when I thought she felt that we were OK. I felt none of that with my dad. I wasn't mad at God or anything like that. I still believe in God, but my thoughts about religion and God have changed. Part of that is because of what my aunt unknowingly planted inside my head. The Catholic belief that suicide is a mortal sin is deeply ingrained and for her to come up with a way in which my dad would STILL go to heaven showed me how people can twist and change their core beliefs to fit their situation. I have heard so many Christians interpret the bible, their holy book, a thousand different ways....same with Muslims and the Koran.....and Jews with the Torah. I also look at peoples' behavior. So many Christians I know, and many I don't know, DO NOT adhere to what they say are their beliefs. These are people who go to church and are pious on Sunday, but the next day it is back to being backstabbers, liars, haters, or whatever their particular peccadillo is. Of course not all Christians are like this, but it seems the more I know people the more I see the hypocrites all around me. The ones who "practice" what they preach? I admire them for walking the walk even if I might not agree with their religious beliefs. I have finally realized that I am not a Christian. To say those words is very difficult for me as I was a Christian most of my life. It is dangerous to say those words. It is almost blasphemy in the current cultural climate to utter those words. Personally, I accept everyone's beliefs as their personal choice. I choose not to believe what they do, but that does not make me a bad person. In fact I think it would be safe to say that I practice more "Christian" behavior than many Christians I know. Not being a Christian is not the same as not believing in God. But there are many who would argue that. To me what I feel is in my soul, deep within me. My God does not hate. He does not condemn all of those who do not believe in him, he doesn't condemn gays (after all HE made them that way) and he is loving, not vengeful or jealous. My God believes that our actions and our heart are what is important. He sees through all of the BS. My God challenges me, he doesn't punish me no matter what I may feel sometimes. In short, my God loves me and sees me for who I am. IF there is a heaven, I will be going there. I don't believe it is someone up in the clouds....hell it may just be in a galaxy far, far away. Or we may just be energy that is recycled into some other life form. I don't know, none of us knows for certain. My dad always believed that we keep coming back until we do it right. If all of this is true then I believe my mother is in heaven and my father is back here somewhere in another form trying to get it right.

How did I get here?

Almost every day I find myself asking, "How did I get to this point in my life?". I mean, I have been chugging along for years living life both good and bad....but every day moving, sometimes forward, sometimes laterally. But moving somehow. These days I am at a complete standstill. Life has completely stopped for ME, although life continues to move around me....I stay still. I think much of this goes back to the losses in my life that have finally caught up to me. I have been strong for so many years and now I've fallen apart and don't know how to pick up the pieces or where to start. I know that the death of my mom started a downward spiral, but I kept it together for my kids and for my dad....then my dad killed himself. I tried so hard to get through it. The shock, although not surprising, the shock is what almost made me stop right then. But somehow I moved along....but it was false....I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected. Also I had kids that depended on me and I had to keep it as together as possible for them. But now I find myself on a precipice of despair and the only action I keep thinking of is jumping off of that cliff. How the HELL did I get here?????

It is a daily hell almost. I mean I'm lucky, I have a great friend who keeps me thinking and a great therapist who is seeing me for free. I saw him just the other day and I was in really bad shape the day before I saw him. I held on knowing that I would see him the next day. It helps to know that the helpline is right there....Anyway, he told me that the reason why he is seeing me like this is the hope that I will get better, that I will eventually get to the point where I go back to work and everything gets better for me and I get my life back. He seems to want that for me and I appreciate it. He asked if I wanted to make an appointment for next week, I said "no", partly because I feel guilty for seeing him for free, but I told him that if I need an appointment I will not hesitate to call. I really scared myself the other day....I was so close to ending it all. I mean, REALLY close....I just couldn't take it anymore. So many things I have come to realize in my life and some of them are so incredibly painful that I guess I don't want to live with them. 

One thing that I suspected and have finally faced and am able to put into words. I have NEVER been anyone's priority except for my mom. No one has EVER put me first. I have always been 2nd or 3rd or further down the line. There is nothing harder to face then knowing that you haven't been loved enough to be number one. When I was married, my husband was number one in our marriage. He looked out for and loved himself (if you can call it love) more than anyone else. My ex fiance put me 2nd, his first wife was his number one. Even now I realize that he wants someone, ANYONE, to be with him....I don't matter. He thinks I do, but he doesn't even know his own self. I've seen it with him....I saw the same things with my ex-husband it's called, "I don't want to be alone" which means they just want to be with someone, it doesn't really matter who. I know that my ex-husband at one point realized that....but then I'm sure he "unrealized" it as was always his way....My ex-fiance, not sure if he has realized it or not. I'm sure they'd argue that they just want to be in a relationship.......but at any cost? Doesn't even matter to me anymore. I will never be in another relationship again. I will never trust my love again. I have given my love away and been hurt too deeply to do it again. I almost made the same mistake that my exes have in getting into a relationship just to be in one.....what a mistake that was. All it does is make me feel even more worthless than ever. Not a good plan. One day I truly hope to love myself or at least like myself again. At this point in time I feel as though I have given up on everything. I mean, what the hell happened?! They say youth is wasted on the young and it is so true. I wasted so many years on other people instead of in myself. I think of all of the things I never did, which is normal as you get older....but some of it I never did in deference to the person I was with. I did get some of my youth back for awhile but then this damn job caused me to start having flashbacks and those flashbacks sent my whole life careening backward into a shit storm of hurt and pain that I thought I was leaving behind. Now it is front and center and worse than ever. Totally sucks! I want to be better, I really do....but I am in a holding pattern which brings me to.......

Went to the county to get my evaluation. Well how awesome, I can't see a psychiatrist, which means no medication, until the END of DECEMBER! So I am going to be without ALL of my meds for at least another 2 months. I am SUPPOSED to go back to work on January 3rd. Ha! Not gonna happen without meds, I know it can't, I won't last. I can get disability for one more month, but my job is going to be an issue because I have to see a Psychiatrist to fill out the forms and the only Psych. I can see will be the county Psych. Will he fill them out after only seeing me once? Can he or she fill them out in time? So, what to do, what to do. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure I will be going back just to get fired. They are famous for doing this. When I explained this to my therapist he said "why would you want to go back? It's like going back to an abusive relationship." Yep, it is....but it is my only option right now. It's a job and I need the money. But I hope I can find something else, I don't think I will last even if they don't fire me right away....I think it will be a matter of time. Although my daughter did say that people ask about me all of the time there. Weird, I didn't know I was so popular there. I mean, really.....

Well I think this is all I can muster right now. I have such a hard time writing. I have nothing positive to write and that makes me sad. I had hoped when I started this blog that I could give hope to people that it will get better. But so far for me, it hasn't. I am more suicidal than ever, much of it is because of things too numerous to mention here....things just keep happening that cause me untold amount of stress. Stuff that normally would be irritating and might upset me, but not like THIS. So I'm sorry that this isn't a more cheerful blog. I'm sorry that I am not more cheerful. People who know me would probably be so surprised by all of this....I put on such a happy face and I try my hardest to think positive. But I have grown tired and weary and the fight is getting knocked out of me. But I'm still holding on for dear life. One day I hope to look back on this and think, "My god I am lucky to be alive. Who was that woman?". But for now, I struggle and I cry every single day and yet I still hope that a bright light shows up at the end of this tunnel, the sooner the better.

I'm Still Alive.....

As you can tell by the fact that I am writing this blog, I am still here, still alive. Not always easy but this life has never been. 

After the last blog one of my friends reached out to me. My blog made her cry, she said that she had no idea I was feeling that way. She and I both cried together. She asked me what she could do to help me and if she did anything to cause me to feel this way. Like I told her (this is good for anyone who knows someone who is going through this) just calling or keeping in some kind of contact helps. Just hearing about her life a little bit helped. Most of the time though there isn't a whole lot that can be done. No one can get into anyone's head nor can the person who's suffering tell you how to make it better. We don't know how. My going to therapy WILL make it better in time. I am praying for that day. But for the moment it is like being behind a soundproof glass window and watching all of the happy normal people walk by. It is hard and some days are better than others. As a woman we also have to be careful that our hormones don't overwhelm us which is much of what happened when I wrote my last blog post. It intensified all of the horrible feelings I was feeling. I wish I could have realized it then instead of now. I don't know how much it would have helped, but maybe it would have helped me get through it a little easier. I did have a birthday last week as well and I had birthday greetings from a lot of people so I felt good about that as well. One thing I can say is that there is one difference between my father who committed suicide and me....when my friends as well as my family tell me what a difference I make in their lives, it makes me pause before doing something so final that I can't take back. My father's suicide will continue to haunt me and I honestly thought that it would keep me from seriously thinking about it myself. Unfortunately time is showing me that it is not necessarily the case, although I am sure it keeps me alive longer. It is the depression and hopelessness that drives the suicidal mind. When you don't think that you can get out. When there is no hope in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, when you think you don't matter.....even if people you love tell you that you do.....that is when you think you and your family are better off without you. I have learned that with this latest bout. Logically I know they won't be, I've been there, but the hopelessness and despair doesn't go away just because you want it to. It is something that I have to fight every single day, if I give up as my dad did then I will not make it. So I will do my best to stay in the game. The game that is life. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of fight, but it also takes determination and support. It is hard to go it alone. 

I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and then my Psychiatrist the next day. I have to let my Psychiatrist know that I can't see him anymore because I don't have insurance. Sucks. Then next week I will go to the county and see someone there. It's almost like starting over yet again. *sigh*

My ex-fiance is coming to visit from out of state in a couple of weeks or so. That should be interesting. I've never had an ex visit like this. We were very good friends so I am hoping this is a positive experience for both of us, which I am pretty sure it will be. We're not sure what we are going to do yet, he is making the plans. I just hope that I am not too down when he comes to see me as it will be around "that" time when I get down and out. Maybe our hanging out will eliminate the issue this month. I hope so. I miss him, we always had fun together. 

Well I am getting ready to go to bed. I have been having a very hard time sleeping lately again so I am hoping that tonight will be the exception....probably not, but I can always hope.

I leave you with a video from Pearl Jam.....have a good week and I'll see you next time....that's positive thinking, right?

Cry Me an Ocean.....

Went to Dr. H yesterday and spent most of the session crying like a damn baby. But I know it's a good thing, at least that's what he tells me.

Right when I came in for my session he could tell from looking at me that I wasn't doing well. I told him that I feel like such a failure right now not being able to provide for my family. I've never not been able to do that before. The nicest thing happened today when I told my youngest son this while we were at the grocery store where I had $15 to spend. My son said "Mom, stop it, your providing for us right now". So I guess even though I feel so useless, my son seemed to think that I did OK today. I really needed to hear that.

The biggest tears were when I told my doctor that I am still dreaming of my ex-husband. I starting crying, "Why? Why won't he leave me alone!". The hurt and pain makes me want to cry right now. The trauma is still there, still fresh. In fact it seems fresher than it's been in a long time. I don't understand it because I have been divorced for longer than I was married. Dr. H says that it is because I am digging in deep to do the work that I need to do. He likened it to an untreated infection that left untreated continues to fester, when you start to treat it you have to dig in and get all of the bad stuff out before you can get better. Getting the bad stuff out is very painful and is what I'm experiencing right now. I asked him if I will ever feel OK again. He said that it is going to take a long time, but I'm doing the work and it sounds as though it is going to get worse before it gets better. Right now I have suicidal idiations and that sucks more than you know given my history. But as my doctor and I discussed I won't do anything. I don't want to put my kids through what my dad's suicide did to me. We talked about hospitalization where I can get my medication settled. He is also going to talk to Dr. G and see if we can do anything with my meds. 

The last thing I want is to be in a hospital. I've never been in a Psychiatric hospital before but I know many people close to me who have been. Nothing wrong with it, but I want to keep fighting as long as I can. My doctors have both made me promise to call if things get too bad. Dr. H also gave me a goal between yesterday and tomorrow and I have already completed it, so that is a positive step. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to do a short phone session. He wants to see me twice a week for awhile but I told him that I am having a hard enough time coming once a week due to transportation problems so I will just have to do the best I can. 

I hate feeling like this and not knowing when I am going to get better. Although as Dr. H has told me, I have made progress. Just crying like my heart is breaking is a good sign. I just hate hurting. He did ask me what is one of the things that bothered me most about my marriage and I told him the fact that I had been so naive and was duped into thinking he was someone that he wasn't. He told me that when we look at other people, we see ourselves in them and that is why it is hard to believe that someone close to us could be so cruel or awful, because we wouldn't do the things that they do. It throws us for a loop. Charm is a big deal with my ex and you add that to my idealization of him as a person and it is understandable. He did things that I could never imagine someone doing to someone that they love which is what made the abuse and the trauma that much worse. 

I truly hope that I can get through the week. I guess it is like they say, one day at a time. Trying to be strong is so hard because I have been so strong for so long. I think I did it for my kids all of these years and now that they are older it is much harder for me to do. I am tired. It takes every little bit of my energy just to exist right now and I have to dig to do more. Which is what I am doing with my blogs and with eBay. I am digging hard trying to stay alive. But I am determined to get through this somehow. Thankfully I have help and the support of some of my friends. And of course, Tesla. Listening to the sons I like best is helping in its way, so I'll keep listening and I'll keep blogging. Maybe the two together will get me home. :-)

Cry baby, yep that's me.

This week I had 2 doctors appointments, one with my Psychiatrist and one with my therapist. Both were fruitful for different reasons.

The Psychiatrist, Dr. G, was first, on Monday. I told him about my overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of dread that I had last week and so he gave me Klonipin, which seems like a good choice so far as I haven't had the feeling since I started taking it first thing every morning. It will make my life easier if I don't have to wait for an attack to take a Xanax. I am trying so hard to get my life going and it has been really hard. I was starting to feel very defeated. I confess, I wanted to give up and die. I have been so bored of life and nothing is making me the least bit content. But I haven't given up yet, I can't, I have kids. Having had a father commit suicide I have sworn that I won't no matter what. It is a hard promise to keep sometimes.

  Dr. H was VERY helpful as always. He questioned if some of these feelings of dread and anxiety may have something to do with my ex-mother-in-laws death and the fact that her family and my ex are trying to contact me. I think it could definitely have something to do with it. I have no desire to see or talk to any of them ever again. The anxiety is just a reminder of all of the pain. When I was talking to Dr. H about my feelings and the fact that I don't have any, and I want to, I began crying when he asked me what I felt at that moment and all I could say was, "All I feel is hurt and pain". He told me that that is the outside layer that we need to get through to get those other feelings out. Everything is buried so deep. I just feel the bad stuff and I want to feel the good stuff. I had almost 2 years of great happiness, self confidence, and love for myself and others. Where did that go???? I want it back, I need it back!!!! I can't live without some joy somewhere.

  For someone who never cries, it was a shock to me that tears just started streaming down my face. I think it is a credit to my trust in my therapist. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I know it is cathartic, but it is alien to me these days. When I was a kid, I cried all of the time when my feelings were hurt, same with when I was married. But I have turned to stone because I've been hurt so much. So maybe this is a turning point... I hope so. It is part of the road to healing. It is going to take a long time to heal, none of the damage was done overnight so it won't be cured overnight either.

If you've noticed I added some favorite items from Amazon, I LOVE Amazon. There are some great books to read, some that are relevant to this condition and some just because they are good. The Stieg Larsson trilogy is good because it does address mental illness. The trilogy starts with "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I highly recommend it. I also recommend reading PTSD for Dummies. Any Dummies book I have found to be particularly useful if you have a hard time paying attention or need things explained in a way that makes it very easy to understand. Believe me I have Dummies books for everything from History to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Jewelry Making. So pick one up, the links are on the side bar for Amazon and on this blog.

I hope that one day soon I will hear from someone who reads this blog, if anyone. I would be curious to hear about your experiences and if you've had therapy, how has it worked for you?

Until next time.....

Catch Up and Welcome to My Life!

Hello and welcome to my blog and my life. When I first thought about starting this blog I had lofty ideas that I would write about my life every day and write about what was happening with my therapy. Well, every day turned into "no day". So I am giving myself some slack and writing when I get a chance. I know that writing is a good thing for all of us to do, especially when we are trying to work things out in our lives. So, today is the first day that I am finally writing, god knows I used to write on a daily basis, let's see if I can do something close to it again.


  First of all I will try to fill you in on some background. I am in my late 40's and apparently have been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for about half of my life. It started with an abusive marriage when I was 18 years old. The man I was married to was my same age but years ahead of me in the manipulation and abuse of others department. We married and had 4 children together when I was finally released from that hell by him cheating on me repeatedly. I didn't know it, of course, only suspected but in great manipulator style he made me think that any and every problem in our marriage was mine. My fault for trusting him when my instincts were screaming at me.  In the end he decided to "confess" all of his sins in the space of one night. Which rocked me to my core, let me tell you. I have never gotten over the deceit and betrayal....not to mention the fact that I was married to someone whom I didn't know at all. It was like he had another life. And lest you think, as some tend to do in these situations, that the sex must have been non-existent or bad.....we had sex every other day, at least,  for 12 years and then some. The sex was the best he ever had (this is a quote from him, not me). What he wanted was something that no one could give him. He didn't love himself and when you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else. He was looking for something that he has never found to this day. 


  Anyway, the marriage was fraught with mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Why did I put up with it? That is the million dollar question. Most of all it was because I was young and naive. I believed in sticking it out, plus we had children to consider. I tried and tried to make it work, but there is no way to work out something like this. My ex-husband was sadistic and he derived some kind of pleasure from making me suffer. His oldest brother once told me that he wished that he weren't related to him because he always treated people close to him like crap, but treated everyone else really nice. I know that most people who knew him thought he was funny (he was), charming (he was), and nice (he really wasn't). He was cruel to those closest to him. That of course meant his family of which I was now a part of. I will talk more about this and perhaps more specifics later as we go along this journey together.

  Another trauma that fell under the PTSD banner was the sudden death of my mother. She died with no warning, in bed, while taking a nap because she wasn't feeling well. I had just seen her a few weeks earlier when she had come to visit with my dad. She had only just turned 58 years old. Very young to die. It was totally unexpected and threw me into a very deep and serious depression. I am an only child so my mom and I were particularly close. I didn't think I would ever be OK again. By that time I was already divorced and caring for 4 kids by myself. I was working a part-time job and could barely go to work, then I would come home and go to bed. My poor kids didn't know what to do. No one around me knew what to do. My boyfriend at the time couldn't understand why I wasn't over it after about 6 weeks. Not that he didn't care, he just didn't understand. He kept thinking, "well she's in a better place"....meanwhile I am just missing her and not knowing how I could live without my mom. She was my closest friend. So the boyfriend and I broke up, he broke up with me because I "wasn't the woman he had fallen in love with". Of course I wasn't, a loss like that changes you. He has since come to regret that assessment and we eventually got back together for awhile. More on all of this later I'm sure...

  So the last trip on the trauma wagon is the suicide of my father 4 years after my mother died. I don't think there needs to be a lot of explanation here right now about this as I know it will come up later.


  The reason why I am now getting help....which by the way I did try to get before, just the wrong therapists at the wrong time or something like that. The reason is that I had taken on a job at a call center in a bank. Now I am really good at talking to people and normally I have no problem with it. The job is a VERY stressful one whether you suffer from PTSD or not, but it is particularly bad if you are a PTSD sufferer. I found that I DO have a problem with people calling me every name in the book and there is nothing I can do about it. It pulls me back and reminds me of my marriage when I was powerless to do anything. I begin shaking and feeling like I'm going to die, in other words I have a panic attack. These types of calls are what my therapist calls a trigger. The call center is full of triggers and I may not ever be able to go back. Oh yeah I'm on disability right now. I am trying to get as much therapy as I can before I go back to work, wherever that may be. Just trying to find the money to live and keep up my insurance. Whew!

  So for the moment I am going to leave you with this summary of what traumas caused my PTSD and I hope that you will join me as I go through my therapy with it's highs and lows. There is hope for all of us who are suffering. I have a therapist now that I think really gets me and is already helping me to understand a lot. I would like to share this with you, my readers, wherever you are. I hope I have some at some point. I hope that you will also share this with others who suffer or have someone close to them who is suffering from this paralyzing condition.