Speaking of my stroke...well I'm still not back to work. I have applied for and been denied Social Security Disability, which I expected, now I'm appealing and then I'll be requesting a hearing. At that point I will hopefully be approved. I no longer have a job to go back to. The banking Call Center where I worked is being closed, probably before I would be able to go back to work. So now I just wait. I am not fit to work at the moment, between my physical deficits and my mental deficits I am unable to work. I had Neuropsychological testing done and was told that I now have the memory of an 85 year old. LoL. My brain deficits have a lot to do with the damage done from my stroke, I have memory problems and problems with multi-tasking and understanding things that are said to me, especially via the phone. I no longer have a car and I get too confused to take a bus without someone with me. I can't follow instructions that contain more than one step. In many ways my brain is just fine, I'm still as smart as I was before but I have problems with some functions. I have major memory issues and some personality issues which is especially tough for my family to deal with. I hurt peoples feelings, which is totally not like me, and I don't even realize it. I get upset very easily, I either cry or get very angry. It's tough for me and my family.
Physically I still lose my balance and use a cane when I have somewhere to walk outside of my home. The weirdest issue that I have is that I can't figure out how to get down on the ground. I know it sounds very weird. But if I need to sit down or kneel or anything like that I can't figure out how to do it so I pretty much just drop. Then I can't figure out how to get back up. Of course I eventually do find a way, but it is weird how I do it and I almost always need help. I also can't cut up things in the kitchen because of my lack of strength or stir things easily because of my wrist. It is tough to try and turn something over in the skillet, I can't really do it very well and I make a big mess. Sometimes I can't do something as simple as butter a piece of bread. Obviously, Thanksgiving was a challenge and I needed help. Hopefully all of these things will eventually get better with a lot of time. Typing is a challenge, I only use one finger on my right hand, but apparently a lot of my friends do that too! LoL So although it feels weird to me, it's not all that uncommon. Writing is a bust though, writing with my hand that is. It hurts, it is hard and it doesn't look too great. I get so tired that I can't write more than a few things at a time before I have to stop. It sucks to be honest. But only time will tell how much of this is permanent. The Neuropsychologist told me that it may be a year or two before I know what is permanent. *sigh*
Well I can say that this stroke has helped me learn a lot about the people in my life. For instance I have more people that care about me than I ever knew. I received so many cards and gifts from people that it literally blew my mind! Over 50 people sent me best wishes, it made me feel so loved and appreciated. I also found out that my ex-husband actually cared about what happened to me, he called my oldest daughter every day and asked how I was doing. I also found out that my ex-fiance couldn't give a shit about me, he didn't even ask me how I was when I told him I had a stroke. I FINALLY figured out that he never cared about me, he just thought he did. He doesn't really have a clue as to what love is, but he talks a damn good game and I know he believes it. That is what is so sad. I feel sorry for his wife because I believe that he just wants to be with someone, anyone, it doesn't really matter that much as to who it is. But I know something about him that he doesn't even know himself and I know that he is fooling himself. But hey, you can't make someone realize something about themselves that they don't want to know. It's sad really. I know who I am, sometimes I don't like things about myself but at least I know who I truly am. I like myself and I'm fine with who I am. I am pretty sure I will die without a companion, but it's OK I would rather die alone than compromise who I am.
The biggest news I left for last. I have my first grandbaby!!!
She is a girl, my oldest son's daughter. It was tough, we really weren't sure at first if she belonged to my son for sure but we had a DNA test done and it was confirmed. She is ADORABLE! I don't get to see her much since I don't have a car anymore, but when she comes over I am filled with more love and joy than I've felt in a long time! She has such a sweet nature, she is only 4 months old but I feel as though I've known her forever. She is beautiful!
Well I think that is enough for now. Just wanted to catch everyone up on what is going on in my life these days.
This is dedicated to my exes...
