Yes, it has been awhile since I updated my blog. A looong while. I know I've been seriously remiss. But to be fair I have been recovering from my stroke and typing is not the easiest thing for me to do. But I'm getting better so I thought I'd work on updating this blog. I'm also working on my book, which is long overdue. I have gone back and forth on what I was going to write and I think I've finally discovered the perfect fit for me. What is it about? You'll just have to wait and see, but I will say that it has humor, friendship, and a little romance. So we will have to see how far I can get with this. My first book that I started writing was just too involved for me to start with considering my brain issues since my stroke. Speaking of my stroke...well I'm still not back to work. I have applied for and been denied Social Security Disability, which I expected, now I'm appealing and then I'll be requesting a hearing. At that point I will hopefully be approved. I no longer have a job to go back to. The banking Call Center where I worked is being closed, probably before I would be able to go back to work. So now I just wait. I am not fit to work at the moment, between my physical deficits and my mental deficits I am unable to work. I had Neuropsychological testing done and was told that I now have the memory of an 85 year old. LoL. My brain deficits have a lot to do with the damage done from my stroke, I have memory problems and problems with multi-tasking and understanding things that are said to me, especially via the phone. I no longer have a car and I get too confused to take a bus without someone with me. I can't follow instructions that contain more than one step. In many ways my brain is just fine, I'm still as smart as I was before but I have problems with some functions. I have major memory issues and some personality issues which is especially tough for my family to deal with. I hurt peoples feelings, which is totally not like me, and I don't even realize it. I get upset very easily, I either cry or get very angry. It's tough for me and my family. Physically I still lose my balance and use a cane when I have somewhere to walk outside of my home. The weirdest issue that I have is that I can't figure out how to get down on the ground. I know it sounds very weird. But if I need to sit down or kneel or anything like that I can't figure out how to do it so I pretty much just drop. Then I can't figure out how to get back up. Of course I eventually do find a way, but it is weird how I do it and I almost always need help. I also can't cut up things in the kitchen because of my lack of strength or stir things easily because of my wrist. It is tough to try and turn something over in the skillet, I can't really do it very well and I make a big mess. Sometimes I can't do something as simple as butter a piece of bread. Obviously, Thanksgiving was a challenge and I needed help. Hopefully all of these things will eventually get better with a lot of time. Typing is a challenge, I only use one finger on my right hand, but apparently a lot of my friends do that too! LoL So although it feels weird to me, it's not all that uncommon. Writing is a bust though, writing with my hand that is. It hurts, it is hard and it doesn't look too great. I get so tired that I can't write more than a few things at a time before I have to stop. It sucks to be honest. But only time will tell how much of this is permanent. The Neuropsychologist told me that it may be a year or two before I know what is permanent. *sigh*
Well I can say that this stroke has helped me learn a lot about the people in my life. For instance I have more people that care about me than I ever knew. I received so many cards and gifts from people that it literally blew my mind! Over 50 people sent me best wishes, it made me feel so loved and appreciated. I also found out that my ex-husband actually cared about what happened to me, he called my oldest daughter every day and asked how I was doing. I also found out that my ex-fiance couldn't give a shit about me, he didn't even ask me how I was when I told him I had a stroke. I FINALLY figured out that he never cared about me, he just thought he did. He doesn't really have a clue as to what love is, but he talks a damn good game and I know he believes it. That is what is so sad. I feel sorry for his wife because I believe that he just wants to be with someone, anyone, it doesn't really matter that much as to who it is. But I know something about him that he doesn't even know himself and I know that he is fooling himself. But hey, you can't make someone realize something about themselves that they don't want to know. It's sad really. I know who I am, sometimes I don't like things about myself but at least I know who I truly am. I like myself and I'm fine with who I am. I am pretty sure I will die without a companion, but it's OK I would rather die alone than compromise who I am. The biggest news I left for last. I have my first grandbaby!!! She is a girl, my oldest son's daughter. It was tough, we really weren't sure at first if she belonged to my son for sure but we had a DNA test done and it was confirmed. She is ADORABLE! I don't get to see her much since I don't have a car anymore, but when she comes over I am filled with more love and joy than I've felt in a long time! She has such a sweet nature, she is only 4 months old but I feel as though I've known her forever. She is beautiful! Well I think that is enough for now. Just wanted to catch everyone up on what is going on in my life these days. This is dedicated to my exes...
Right now I am a cross between angry, sad, and disappointed. My youngest son, he's 21, and I just got into a huge fight. We are going to be short on the rent this month. Nothing I can do about it. I have to renew my disability so I got $30.00 less on this check and my son borrowed a good amount of money and apparently there is a problem with some of the things he charged on my card. He, or should I say I, was charged twice for a couple of things. So although he is going to pay me what he says he owes we are still going to be short, shorter than I thought we would be. I originally thought we were going to be around $5-$10 short....well now it's more like $50. The bank will pay the check I'm sure. But it is stressful, especially since my son thinks his unemployment is about to run out. Unfortunately I am doing the best I can to pay bills, of course, they will all cost me more now because I will overdraw my account several times over.
If that isn't bad enough my son decides that my daughter needs to give me back my car so I can go back to work. I had to tell him again that that is not why I'm not working. I told him that I actually CAN'T go to work. Then he starts yelling about how hard it was when he was working and everyone was getting on his case and how I was telling him that he was going to lose his job if he kept calling in sick. Oh yeah, did I mention that my son has never been able to hold a job for more than about 6-8 months. He said that I didn't care that he was having a hard time. His hard time was people getting on his case at work. I told him that he doesn't understand that THIS isn't like that. My PTSD is not the same as a usual depression. He doesn't understand. I wish he did, I wish everyone did. It's not his fault, but it's frustrating. My therapist says that this disability is not one you can see, like a limp so it is hard for people to understand that the injury is inside and doesn't show on the outside.
People think that if you are disabled then you shouldn't be able to walk or function at all. Well PTSD is different. You can function in certain areas, sometimes for a while. But that doesn't mean that it's easy. My son has no idea the trauma that I've been through. I'm certainly not wanting to sit him down and tell him all of the horrible things that his dad did to me to bring me to this point. He doesn't understand at all what was inflicted on me by his father, not to mention other traumas before and after I was married to him. Then I get to listen to my son yelling at me and threatening not to give me any of the money he owes me so that he can find a place to live. Because where he's living in literally HELL to him??????!!!!!!!( We live in a nice apartment by the way so this is about living with me and his sister) That boy has no clue what it is like to live in hell. His father left the house when my son was 3, he doesn't know what it was like living with his dad, the older kids know more as they received their own unfair share of abuse. Not to mention that none of the kids know everything that was done to me at their dad's hands. I mean truly you don't sit down and tell your kids these things. Talk about hurting them. So instead I get to be berated by my own child for being paralyzed from working at the job that I currently have because it triggers panic attacks that he's never seen me have. To almost faint, tremble, alternate between being flushed to having all of the color drain from my face. To feel like I'm going to die. Seriously, he's never seen this, he's never seen me at my job. His sister and brother saw me at the concert where I freaked out....whether my oldest son realized what was going on I don't know. I know that those who saw me were quite surprised to see a side of me that they had never seen before. One that I don't want to ever show again. My oldest daughter knows exactly what it is like to work at the job I have, because she also works where I work and she loathes it. The stress is more than anyone should be subjected to at a job. Truly.
I told my son, as he slammed out the door, that he doesn't even realize what I do for him. He's living in my place, he has nowhere to go. I didn't even charge him rent for quite awhile and he's 21. I just started charging him recently. He doesn't think he should have to pay as much because he sleeps on the sofa many of the nights unless his sister is gone and then he sleeps in her bed. She's gone a lot because her job is far away so it's easier for her. If either of them were actually out on their own, paying a roommate, they'd be splitting all of the bills three ways. Which what they pay me is no where close to 1/3 of the rent, not to mention the other bills and food. He doesn't even get that. I don't think he has ever appreciated anything that I've ever done for him. He just makes me feel like I'm a bad mom to him, that I don't understand what he's going through. Trust me I've tried and tried. There is only so much I can do to help. I am not going to go out and find him a job. I have recommended jobs to him but there is always an excuse as to why he can go to an interview or to even apply. I bought him nice clothes, he either gave them away to his friends and didn't get them back or he lost them. I can't afford to help him anymore. Soon I am going to have to make the tough choice and put him out I think. I mean his life here is SO terrible, according to him. I can imagine how many people would be grateful to have a roof over their head, a computer to use, DVD's to watch, and food in their bellies. But my son....oh it's hell. I know he's depressed and I'm sorry for that. I would be depressed too if I were him, but I also know that much of this is a byproduct of his own actions. I can't seem to get this through his head and since he has NO common sense he's not going to find out on his own. It's a mess.
The way my son just talked to me hurt me so badly. He truly has no clue what I am going through. It's like "Oh mom just doesn't want to go to work".....I have worked for most of my life, I've held 2 jobs, more than once. It hurts me so badly that those closest to me don't understand what I feel or even give me the benefit of the doubt, which honestly....almost re-traumatizes me.
Went to see my therapist today, as I do every Tuesday. Wasn't sure what to really talk about as I didn't really feeling like anything was happening in my life to talk about. Other than the fact that my disability at work was approved for another few months. It will give me time for more therapy and it will keep my job secure which is THE most important thing right now.
I told my therapist about this blog and he thought it was a great idea. He was asking me about creative things that I do and I mentioned that I used to draw all of the time. My whole life when I was a kid was all about art and drawing. I took art and drama classes in high school. I took Creative Writing classes in college. Always got A's in these classes. He asked why I didn't do art anymore and I told him about how I had drawn a picture for my now ex-husband, let's call him M. Anyway I drew a picture for M's birthday when we were dating and had it matted. What I drew was not normally what I would have drawn, but it was something that he liked so I worked hard on it for him as a gift. When I gave it to him he was mean about it, he didn't like it and made fun of it. It was the last time I drew anything meaningful other than to doodle. He crushed my spirit by not appreciating it in the least. My therapist told me that more abuse and he asked me if I had tried to draw at all after that. I told him that I did try, but my heart was no longer in it. Years ago after I had gotten divorced I told my mother how I didn't draw anymore or write and she was shocked. I told her that I just wasn't any good and that just blew her mind. Not long after that she sent me a sketch pad and some poems that I had written. I looked at them and starting crying, "" I really did have talent" I cried to her on the phone. She said that she had sent these items to me to remind me of who I was.
My therapist who I will call Dr. H, asked me about my hopes and dreams. He asked me what dreams I have for myself right now. He told me to imagine myself 30 years from now. He wanted me to tell him what I regretted that I hadn't done from the age that I am right now. He said the past is gone so what am I not doing right now that I would regret when I'm in my 70's. That was not an easy question. So it took awhile and I told him about regretting staying in a job where I'm not happy. So we discussed what I would like to be doing right now. So after a few false starts I mentioned something that I had already attempted to do but never got around to it. It is something creative, which was always my passion. We discussed ways in which I could achieve that goal. He also told me that when I was talking to him my eyes lit up when sharing all of my ideas. He said that I'm here and that is my true self. There is hope for me. He gave me an assignment related to what I want to do. I'm not sure that I will be able to do it as it requires me to leave my house which isn't easy these days as I am having to share my car with my daughter right now. But if it's possible I will do as much of it as I can. It is a challenge for me as that is part of what my problem is....great ideas, no motivation to do them. But having a goal or assignment may be the push that I need. One of the things that Dr. H taught me about PTSD is the fact that those of us who are creative are more susceptible to trauma. When you have PTSD the trauma is stuck on the creative side of our brain and needs to be moved over to the logical side. That is not an easy thing to do. There is actually a therapy for that called EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing . We have thought about trying it but I am not ready yet and he isn't pushing it. If you have a chance to look it up it is quite interesting and does work in many case and there are many ways to go about it. Here is a link: http://www.emdr.com/
I also looked at some other blogs today and saw how professional they are. Damn! I'll be lucky if anyone looks at mine.lol But if at least one person reads this and gets something out of it I will be happy. One of the reasons why I started this blog was to hopefully help others to know that they are not alone and that there is help out there. Maybe even help via this blog. We shall see I suppose.
A quick side note, I changed my font to a larger size. If you are reading this and think it was a mistake, please let me know and I can change it back. I just thought it might be easier to read....especially if you are older like me. :) ***
***OK so I realized that I could edit my posts, duh, so I edited my first post in this blog so that the font IS larger and easier to read...:-)
