Long time...no talk to....I know...I suck....lol

Yes, it has been awhile since I updated my blog. A looong while.  I know I've been seriously remiss. But to be fair I have been recovering from my stroke and typing is not the easiest thing for me to do. But I'm getting better so I thought I'd work on updating this blog. I'm also working on my book, which is long overdue. I have gone back and forth on what I was going to write and I think I've finally discovered the perfect fit for me. What is it about? You'll just have to wait and see, but I will say that it has humor, friendship, and a little romance. So we will have to see how far I can get with this. My first book that I started writing was just too involved for me to start with considering my brain issues since my stroke.

  Speaking of my stroke...well I'm still not back to work. I have applied for and been denied Social Security Disability, which I expected, now I'm appealing and then I'll be requesting a hearing. At that point I will hopefully be approved. I no longer have a job to go back to. The banking Call Center where I worked is being closed, probably before I would be able to go back to work. So now I just wait. I am not fit to work at the moment, between my physical deficits and my mental deficits I am unable to work. I had Neuropsychological testing done and was told that I now have the memory of an 85 year old. LoL. My brain deficits have a lot to do with the damage done from my stroke, I have memory problems and problems with multi-tasking and understanding things that are said to me, especially via the phone. I no longer have a car and I get too confused to take a bus without someone with me. I can't follow instructions that contain more than one step. In many ways my brain is just fine, I'm still as smart as I was before but I have problems with some functions. I have major memory issues and some personality issues which is especially tough for my family to deal with. I hurt peoples feelings, which is totally not like me, and I don't even realize it. I get upset very easily, I either cry or get very angry. It's tough for me and my family.

  Physically I still lose my balance and use a cane when I have somewhere to walk outside of my home. The weirdest issue that I have is that I can't figure out how to get down on the ground. I know it sounds very weird. But if I need to sit down or kneel or anything like that I can't figure out how to do it so I pretty much just drop. Then I can't figure out how to get back up. Of course I eventually do find a way, but it is weird how I do it and I almost always need help. I also can't cut up things in the kitchen because of my lack of strength or stir things easily because of my wrist. It is tough to try and turn something over in the skillet, I can't really do it very well and I make a big mess. Sometimes I can't do something as simple as butter a piece of bread. Obviously, Thanksgiving was a challenge and I needed help. Hopefully all of these things will eventually get better with a lot of time. Typing is a challenge, I only use one finger on my right hand, but apparently a lot of my friends do that too! LoL So although it feels weird to me, it's not all that uncommon. Writing is a bust though, writing with my hand that is. It hurts, it is hard and it doesn't look too great. I get so tired that I can't write more than a few things at a time before I have to stop. It sucks to be honest. But only time will tell how much of this is permanent. The Neuropsychologist told me that it may be a year or two before I know what is permanent. *sigh*


  Well I can say that this stroke has helped me learn a lot about the people in my life. For instance I have more people that care about me than I ever knew. I received so many cards and gifts from people that it literally blew my mind! Over 50 people sent me best wishes, it made me feel so loved and appreciated. I also found out that my ex-husband actually cared about what happened to me, he called my oldest daughter every day and asked how I was doing. I also found out that my ex-fiance couldn't give a shit about me, he didn't even ask me how I was when I told him I had a stroke. I FINALLY figured out that he never cared about me, he just thought he did. He doesn't really have a clue as to what love is, but he talks a damn good game and I know he believes it. That is what is so sad. I feel sorry for his wife because I believe that he just wants to be with someone, anyone, it doesn't really matter that much as to who it is. But I know something about him that he doesn't even know himself and I know that he is fooling himself. But hey, you can't make someone realize something about themselves that  they don't want to know. It's sad really. I know who I am, sometimes I don't like things about myself but at least I know who I truly am. I like myself and I'm fine with who I am. I am pretty sure I will die without a companion, but it's OK I would rather die alone than compromise who I am.

  The biggest news I left for last. I have my first grandbaby!!!
She is a girl, my oldest son's daughter. It was tough, we really weren't sure at first if she belonged to my son for sure but we had a DNA test done and it was confirmed. She is ADORABLE! I don't get to see her much since I don't have a car anymore, but when she comes over I am filled with more love and joy than I've felt in a long time! She has such a sweet nature, she is only 4 months old but I feel as though I've known her forever. She is beautiful!

  Well I think that is enough for now. Just wanted to catch everyone up on what is going on in my life these days.

This is dedicated to my exes...

 

You say you want a Resolution....well you know, we all want to change our life.

Yep, just a silly play on words there. Resolution #1- No more silly "play on words".

Seriously, this has been another not so great year. But I have had many that were much worse than this one. Honestly there are some good things out of it too. I mean, I am finally hooked up with a good therapist who seems to be helping me. Some walls are starting to crumble and that is a positive direction for me. This year has been especially tough due to a death in the family, my not being medicated when I need it, some issues in my son's marriage that are still weighing heavy on him, and financially it has been a disaster that will take another year to get out of. But it could be worse. I lost my house but I do have a roof over my head. My kids are all alive and doing the best they can. We are still a family and that is the most important thing in the world. I've lost a lot of material stuff this year, belongings that can never be replaced....I have to forget about that or I'll go crazy. That is probably one of the worst things for me this year.

I have learned the power of friendship and have received some great support. Not many ups, but the ups were appreciated when I had them. Right now I feel down, I have a hard time shaking that. But I know that going back to work and getting back on my medication will help that a lot. Combine that with therapy and I am on my way to a happier, healthier life.

So many things I wanted to do this year, but I never was able to get them done. Between the PTSD and no money it was pretty much impossible. But as time goes on and the fog in my brain starts to clear I am hopeful that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. I am seriously try to work on my book and that has been a long time in the making. The issue I am having is getting it started and in what format. It isn't so easy to just write a book. So many things to consider. I am still try to figure out how I want to proceed. I am kinda all over the place between wanting to basically write out a flat "story of my life" or a book of fiction that actually isn't entirely as I would be using my real-life experiences as part of the book....or I may just write a book of essays, try to find the humor in so many dark situations. Obviously some things that I want to write about are not humorous at all, but those can be in a different book, I don't have to cram everything into one book. I just have so many ideas, I've even had ideas for straight fictional novels that have nothing to do with my life. Sometimes with writers they want to put you into a box of what you are a writer of. For instance it is considered illogical for a romance writer to write a non-fiction book. Where to begin is the question. Once I begin if it is right then the writing will flow. I know myself well enough to know that much.

One resolution I am TRYING to do is to talk less. It seems that half of what I say doesn't even get heard so what is the point. I am a lifelong talker. It will be a hard habit to break. It will serve me great as a writer with lots to say, but talking.....well no one likes that. So that will take the most work I think. To be conscious of how much I talk and trying to pare it down. I will also do my best to keep up this blog which will be harder now that I am going back to work next week. But I will certainly give it a good shot, because it is important to me and to the few who read it. I know I should and could market this blog....but it is kinda nice to have people "find" me. I hope that more people find me, I have a lot to say and I think that some people might like to hear it.

So for now I am off. I have more resolutions to think out and write down. Let's see how many I keep. How many will YOU keep? Most of us give up within the first couple of weeks. I challenge us all to see if we can get through a month and then another and then another....soon it will be next year and we will be so proud of ourselves if we can keep at least one of them. My suggestion: Make the list short and doable. Then take it day by day and see how it goes. 


Good Luck to all of you and have a happy and safe new years eve and a wonderful new year!!! We deserve it!!!!

Never enough time and life will not stop for me!

I know, it's been awhile...I have been having a hard time writing....hell I've been having a hard time doing anything. Life is just a big bowl of suck right now. By the way, please excuse any typos or words that don't belong....that is a part of what is sucking right now...kinda goes with what seems like a nervous breakdown or something.  Not even sure where to begin on this blog, too much has been going on inside my head and around me to even contemplate writing about, unless I want to sit here for a few days extrapolating on all that has gone wrong. Not to mention the fact that I really wanted this blog to be helpful and sometimes I wonder how helpful it is to bitch about my life.

But no matter what, I have to write. I just wish I could be motivated more to do so. So, lets start by saying that life has been hard lately...harder than usual. Too much stress. Without going into details, due to circumstances beyond my control, my rent was late this month. Which culminated in extreme stress as well as a large financial burden. Because I was late I was charged a 10% late fee....so I didn't have money as it was and now I had to find a way to come up with another $76.00+. So I ended up being short, between the late fee and my daughter (who is also my roommate) not being able to come up with all of the money she owed me, we were $120.00 short. First we were $20 short and I was freaking on that...but then my youngest son, who was living out of town, was going to lend it to me. He also was supposed to lend my oldest daughter the 2nd half of the money that she owed me for my TV that she was buying from me, that money was to go to me so that I could make the whole rent and she would pay him back. So he was supposed to give me $120...well his unemployment check didn't come, seems there was a snafu at the unemployment office and so he was going to have to wait for a phone interview. This caused me not to be able to pay $120 and also caused him to have to move back home because he had no money to pay for where he was going to live. So I was facing a major dilemma. I received a "you have 3 days to pay or else surrender the premises" notice, which I have NEVER gotten in my life. The last time I was late on a rent payment was like 20 years ago. So I was freaking out to say the least. Then an angel, by way of a very, very good friend of mine...bought enough stuff in my eBay store to cover what I was lacking. This was the 2nd friend who offered to help me get the money together. One friend offered to give me the money when it was $20, actually she pretty much insisted on it, but then my son had already told me that he had it. Of course all of that fell through and there was no way I would have asked anyone for that kind of money. I was overwhelmed to say the least when my other friend bought the items in my store. It made me cry when I saw what she had done. But because I sold her items I didn't feel like it was a handout. I still felt bad in the sense that I had to rely on someone else to help me and this isn't the first time this friend has helped me out with different things. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me. I am so grateful to have friends like these. I really didn't know what I was going to do this month. I was desperate to sell things and had dropped the price of one of my items to rock bottom trying to pay the rent. I have never been more scared of losing my place to live as I was then. But thanks to my friend we were able to take care of the rent and this WILL NOT happen again! I have put my daughter on notice about that!

I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind lately, I mean literally. My emotions are at the surface which they haven't been for so many years. It is scary. I cry a lot, something I haven't done since I was a kid. The pressure I have been under both financially and emotionally is more than I can bear really. I have been losing time lately, something that my doctor calls disassociating. It is not normal for me at all. It started when my ex-fiance came out to visit last month and has continued since then. Although, thankfully not as much. My therapist attributes it to the excessive stress that I am under. I mean, my disability is due to run out in a couple of months and I have to go to a job that I am pretty sure is going to fire me not long after I get back. They have a history of doing that so I expect it actually. So I am looking for work and trying to deal with deep emotional traumas from my past. Not a good combination. The timing really sucks. I wish I had started seeing this therapist sooner. Perhaps I would have been farther along. The visit from my ex set me back quite a bit, but it was actually a really good thing in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. Things that I needed to deal with, although they hurt tremendously. 

On Monday I will be going in to the county where I live for a full on evaluation that will take several hours. Yay? The good part is that it is the stepping stone to getting back on my medication. Right now I have been without it for at least a couple of months and it is BAD. It has affected me in a really bad way and so getting back on them is paramount. So while it is a hassle it is also something that I need desperately. I really need to be back on them, especially when I am trying to get on with my life and get back to work. Struggling every day to stay alive is NOT my idea of a good time. The medication really makes a difference.

So with all of that said I think I am going to conclude this blog for the night.....it is a lot to take in and believe me, this isn't even the half of what is going on in my life. But it is taking too much out of me to go on right now.....so until next time!



J & C Club Edit....

Losing Myself....

The title of this blog pretty much says it all. I feel as though my life has left me, I miss what used to be my life. I felt like it had some meaning. Now I'm just going through the motions, trying to fight the good fight and losing terribly. I feel alone and abandoned by the world, disconnected from even the most basic of feelings other than sorrow, despair, hurt, and pain. I am thankful for the couple of friends I have or else I don't know what I would do. It is that little thread that is keeping me tied to this world. As you can tell by this post my depression is winning the war. At some point I am going to lose my ability to do the most basic things because right now I am fighting just to get up out of bed. Of course I'm not sleeping much at all which I'm sure isn't helping right now. 

  Dr. H has talked to me about my guilt, he said the guilt is masking things and I know what it is masking. Hurt, pain, and anger...rage even. This sucks more than anything, I hate these feelings. Before I got better for awhile (a few years ago) I was feeling a lot of anger. I mean every single day I was angry and/or depressed. Then by some miracle I snapped out of it and became a different person for a few years...not enough years because now I am back to that hopeless person again. I hate it so much. I don't want to feel this way but I know I have to stop masking it and deal with it. But it is so very hard. All I want to do is die right now. I am tired both physically and emotionally. I've lost the connection with pretty much everyone I know. Both physically and emotionally. No one knows me anymore. I feel as though I would not be missed by more than a handful of the people I know. Four of those are my kids. I feel useless and I feel like no matter what I say or do it isn't right. 

  Of course it doesn't help that every time I read posts on the internet regarding news stories or even some Facebook postings it makes me feel like the world is made up of hate more than love. Why in the hell would I want to stick around for this? I can't bear this. I know I am not the only person who feels this way, don't get me wrong. It appears to be a pity party and sometimes I want to slap my own face....sometimes I do. This doesn't negate what I am feeling. I am depressed, I am tired, and I feel like I'm already dead inside. It sucks to feel this way. I feel as though I am getting worse instead of better so I have to remind myself that my doctor told me that this would happen. But ya know what, even though I know that it doesn't stop me from feeling totally and utterly alone. Where the hell are the voices in my head??? It's all quiet in there and that may be good...maybe it's the eye of the storm which would mean this is half over, right? Get through the other half and then I'm home free? I sure hope so because if I fall much further I don't know if I will be able to get out.

Here is some song lyrics with the song posted right after that REALLY embody so much of how I'm feeling. Sorry the video isn't really a video but an album cover but the song is good. I like it, even if it is depressing. For anyone who may actually read this, writing helps me even if it is negative like this. I'm sorry for being such a downer but it is part of the journey that I promised you with this blog. You are going to get the bad with the good.

Losing time
counting hours
I'll never see myself again
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Closing down
I expect the hopelessness
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
and that's all I need

I am lost
I feel I am sinking now
like I was made of rain

Like a wave I roll into the endless night

I am not afraid
as the darkness starts
to make its way
I breathe as hard as you
as I end my day
I sigh and shelter
as I try to sink that deep
as deepas you and make sure
that I won't fall asleep

Losing days
I need no hours
I'll never be myself again
And even though it's killing me
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be