Right now I am having a hard time again, but at least I know why my feelings have intensified and it really makes it easier to deal with. I just tell myself that it's OK that these feelings will be much less intense in the next week or so. Right now I get my feelings hurt easier, I won't even go into the details of the last bit of BS concerning me trying to help someone else by sharing a security tip with them that they DEFINITELY did not appreciate and accused me of making a big deal out of something. Oh well, their loss, especially since I realized that this same person who chastised me and tried to educate ME on internet security had her whole hard drive knocked out a month or so ago....hmmm....maybe she's not the best person to lecture me. LoL Anyway, my point is that I let it really hurt me and make me angry. Well I got it off my chest by writing to a friend and then hearing some feedback from others that I shared this with. I also realized that my hormones were hard at work here. What really bothers me and makes me concerned is that when I received the message from her about what I said, I got the same anxiousness that I get during an anxiety attack. I received another message from her today, but one of many about "send this to X amount of people who have made a difference in your life" yada, yada, yada. I ended up having the same anxiety. So that will be something to discuss with my therapist on Tuesday. Because if even something like this is going to throw me, I can't imagine what will happen when I go back to work. I am in big trouble here I think.
OK so the title of this post has to do with the incident I mentioned but also with all of the hatred and intolerance I am seeing in this country right now. I am reading some posts from people that literally are making me sick. I have never seen so much hatred in my life. No to mention ignorance. It seems as though we have gone back to the 50's and 60's only it's Muslims, instead of African-Americans, that are considered less than human. Wow. It just blows my mind at the lack of education but also the lack of ability for so many people not to reason out what is happening or has happened in this world. So many people are of the "shoot first" mentality. Well when you shoot first with nuclear weapons, which many have suggested, you are affecting the whole world and no one seems to get that. No one seems to realize the consequences....unless you are survivors of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I mean it just blows my mind how idiotic and unreasonable so many people are. Truthfully I could care less about them except that what they say and do affects me and my family AND my fellow countrymen. The point being that when I read this stuff it makes me want to kill myself even more. It depresses me and makes me think that this world is not worth living in. Now of course I fight that, but it is HARD. I imagine that for this reason, and similar ones, there are many who feel as I do. How do you fight depression when you are bombarded every day with such hatred? It makes me fear for the future of my world, not just this country. It makes me sad and depressed. The only recourse I would have is to not read anything, but that would isolate me even more from the world than I am already. That is something I am told that I shouldn't do. I mean I could do the whole "ignorance is bliss" living, but that is not who I am. I lived that way when I first got married and it cost me.
With so much negativity in the world it is difficult to climb out of depression. But then again HOW can we make a difference if we don't pull ourselves out of this? I am trying, god knows. I have tried to remain positive, but all it takes when you are fragile like this is to hear one negative comment aimed at you and your resolve crumbles...then you add the world of crazy to it and you think, "what's the point?".
On a hopefully positive note, the former love of my life is coming to visit me this week. We will be going out of town together for a few days. I haven't seen him in 9 years and we didn't end well....But we are both the same people, but yet different. I think I need to get out of here for awhile and I hope that I can remember my hormones being out of whack and make this time a positive time for both of us. He is a sweet man and I do not want to ruin his trip. I hope we can help each other to escape our lives for a few days and have some fun. We both need some FUN! I always had a good time with him and we are both each others cheering section so I am hoping that we stay focused on just enjoying our time together. I don't want to think of any of this negative junk while we're together. I am sure that he feels the same way.
So I think I should just end it here.....anyone who feels this way, please know that you are not alone. I am sure there are many of us feeling the same way.....talk about it, write about it, or do whatever you have to do to unburden yourself of this heavy weight of living in a crazy world. Living being the operative word. We all have to live, we have families and/or friends that depend on us to be here, even when we don't feel it. They are there.
I'm going to leave you with a video and song by a band of guys near and dear to me. (sorry it's too wide, I wasn't able to fix it) This song sums up what we must do to get out of this depression and live our lives as we are meant to do!
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