After the last blog one of my friends reached out to me. My blog made her cry, she said that she had no idea I was feeling that way. She and I both cried together. She asked me what she could do to help me and if she did anything to cause me to feel this way. Like I told her (this is good for anyone who knows someone who is going through this) just calling or keeping in some kind of contact helps. Just hearing about her life a little bit helped. Most of the time though there isn't a whole lot that can be done. No one can get into anyone's head nor can the person who's suffering tell you how to make it better. We don't know how. My going to therapy WILL make it better in time. I am praying for that day. But for the moment it is like being behind a soundproof glass window and watching all of the happy normal people walk by. It is hard and some days are better than others. As a woman we also have to be careful that our hormones don't overwhelm us which is much of what happened when I wrote my last blog post. It intensified all of the horrible feelings I was feeling. I wish I could have realized it then instead of now. I don't know how much it would have helped, but maybe it would have helped me get through it a little easier. I did have a birthday last week as well and I had birthday greetings from a lot of people so I felt good about that as well. One thing I can say is that there is one difference between my father who committed suicide and me....when my friends as well as my family tell me what a difference I make in their lives, it makes me pause before doing something so final that I can't take back. My father's suicide will continue to haunt me and I honestly thought that it would keep me from seriously thinking about it myself. Unfortunately time is showing me that it is not necessarily the case, although I am sure it keeps me alive longer. It is the depression and hopelessness that drives the suicidal mind. When you don't think that you can get out. When there is no hope in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, when you think you don't matter.....even if people you love tell you that you do.....that is when you think you and your family are better off without you. I have learned that with this latest bout. Logically I know they won't be, I've been there, but the hopelessness and despair doesn't go away just because you want it to. It is something that I have to fight every single day, if I give up as my dad did then I will not make it. So I will do my best to stay in the game. The game that is life. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of fight, but it also takes determination and support. It is hard to go it alone.
I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and then my Psychiatrist the next day. I have to let my Psychiatrist know that I can't see him anymore because I don't have insurance. Sucks. Then next week I will go to the county and see someone there. It's almost like starting over yet again. *sigh*
My ex-fiance is coming to visit from out of state in a couple of weeks or so. That should be interesting. I've never had an ex visit like this. We were very good friends so I am hoping this is a positive experience for both of us, which I am pretty sure it will be. We're not sure what we are going to do yet, he is making the plans. I just hope that I am not too down when he comes to see me as it will be around "that" time when I get down and out. Maybe our hanging out will eliminate the issue this month. I hope so. I miss him, we always had fun together.
Well I am getting ready to go to bed. I have been having a very hard time sleeping lately again so I am hoping that tonight will be the exception....probably not, but I can always hope.
I leave you with a video from Pearl Jam.....have a good week and I'll see you next time....that's positive thinking, right?
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