Confusion and awareness...time to act......

Not sure where to start. I know I'm forgetting something, some things, plural, I'm sure. But the one thing that has been weighing on my mind is something that I was hoping would resolve itself. I have tried for a long time to push this towards a resolution but it has never been successful. 

  What am I talking about? My son's mental illness. It became painfully clear to me the day before yesterday that my youngest son, who is 22, is truly disturbed. I am not sure what sort of mental illness he has, but I know he has one. He has been seeing a doctor for medication for his depression and that has helped. But what is wrong with him is so much more. 

  When he was in high school and got sent to the "continuation" high school, he DID see the school psychologist. He had her snowed, but good. He has admitted it to me. I knew something was wrong based on an appointment I had with her and the things she was saying were just not right. But she wanted to believe him and I understood that, he is VERY convincing and charming and manipulative. I should know, he's lived with me his whole life. I had wanted to send him to see someone else, at first he had agreed, and then later he said "no". I am not sure what to do. Can a therapist REALLY see through him? I seriously have my doubts after the school psychologist. Not to mention the fact that so many people believe what he says. Of course this all brings me back to my contribution to his illness. I mean, my mother had mental illness, I have it, my oldest daughter is bi-polar and my oldest son also struggles with depression. My dad committed suicide, my paternal grandfather was a sadistic monster and my maternal grandmother was emotionally withholding. 

  I've thought a lot about how my son and I are alike and I realize that although we had some of the same behavior, I grew out of mine around the time I was a teenager. I also realized that we had different reasons for what we have in common. Confused yet? OK, this is HARD to admit, truly....but when I was younger I invented things....a version of lying to be sure. Not often, but I did. When I was a kid and some of the other kids were teasing me because my mom was fat, I told them that she was pregnant. She wasn't of course. I created a fake boyfriend when I was 12, mainly so that my parents would think I was more social. Stupid, I know. Also I wanted my friends to think I had one.  Funny, because I did have one for awhile before that. Maybe I wanted to continue to be special? I was the only one with a boyfriend, fake or real. I also think I really wanted one again, although a "boyfriend" at that age in THOSE days was totally different than the young girls who have boyfriends these days. I didn't make the boyfriend thing elaborate, just stated it as a fact and that was that. So I understand wanting some attention or wanting to feel special. I think that was why I did it. But as I said, I grew out of it. 


  My son on the other hand has created things that are awful! The first time that I KNEW he did was sometime in high school when his friends' mother asked me one day how my son was doing. I was like "fine". But the look of concern was evident on her face. She then proceeded to explain that my son had told her that he had cancer. Which he did not. I confronted him about it and he used something our doctor had said to him as a basis for this "cancer". Why I don't know...I was just shocked that he would do something like this. But then I knew someone who did something like this when I was in high school....I was with my friends outside a funeral home where we had just attended a mutual friends rosary, it was a few days after she had died up the street from me. She had been hit by a semi-truck while riding her bike. Anyway, we were all crying and upset and then this other "friend" of ours decided to let us know that she was "dying". She said that she was very ill and was going to die. Now of course we were devastated. This was such an awful thing to hear. We were so sad but we were very supportive and everything to her.....then later she started withdrawing from us. Turns our she had lied, she was not dying. She left school not long after it became pretty apparent that she had some serious issues. So I KNOW what it is like to hear something like this from a friend. I have no idea what got into my son, but I had hoped that it was a one time thing.


  Well I was wrong, a few years after that I had encouraged my son to go to county mental health services to see someone, we didn't have medical insurance at the time. Well one day he sat in my living room with his girlfriend at the time and told me that he had multiple personality disorder. Now, I am very familiar with the term, which is not used anymore, so that tipped me off first. The stuff he was saying was just so off the wall. I knew he was lying, I just knew it. Not to mention the fact that he never went back and I'm sorry you cannot be diagnosed with something that serious in one or even two sessions with a psychiatrist. 


  Then a couple of days ago I read something on a social networking site that he posted, so that his friends would read it and give him all of the attention that he craves. He and I had just had a fight, something tells me that fights (whether with me or others that he cares about) trigger these delusions. I am not even sure what to call them. What he said was a SERIOUS accusation, one that I KNOW is not true. Had it been true I would have known it a long time ago, trust me on that one. The pattern is there.


  So I sat here and just kept thinking about this and wondering, is this genetic? Did I pass this down to him? Another mental illness in that family? THEN it dawned on me as I started to write this that his own father had done the same thing as an adult. I remember reading a letter that he wrote that was a TOTAL lie. It was to his girlfriend, we were no longer together, anyway he was telling her stories that were not true about his time in the service. About how he got shot and had to fly back to the states (we were living overseas together so I know the stories to be false) and was a spy. WTF??!!!! I was like, WTF are you trying to do here?! Then I recalled the same type of bullshit from him when we were together, although not as creative. Trying to get someone (me or in this case his girlfriend) to feel sorry for you, not fight with you, give you attention. My ex did that with me when we were together, but only a couple of times, he really did that a lot after we were no longer together. He became really delusional and I remember thinking that he TRULY believes what he is saying. I am not so sure about my son, if he believes it or not. But I do know that he needs some SERIOUS help!


  So when I go to see my therapist I will discuss it with him and get his take on it. Not to mention that I need to find a therapist for my son and hope he will go. I will be looking for a male therapist and hopefully mine can recommend one to me for him. I don't even know if he can be helped. It is just shocking to me, I don't know if I was too involved with my own depression to realize just how serious this was or what. That is something I am going to have to live with I guess. 


So much more to talk about but this has really worn me out....So until next time......

Me and Depression are about to have a showdown!

Hey kids, I'm Back! I know it's been a looooong time! Well finding the time and the energy to write since I went back to work has been tough. A LOT has happened in the 6 months I've been gone.....I am not even sure where to begin and god knows that I don't want this to be an extremely long blog either. So I guess I will give y'all the highlights.....

 

1) Went back to work in January, got re-trained so that was nice to ease in and not be on the phones right away.....(I'll write more about this later)

2) Remember the ex-fiance who came to visit me in September? After declaring undying love, etc....well he remarried his last ex-wife within 6 months of that visit. Nice huh? Sure made me feel like I didn't matter, he could have married anyone.....sad to feel as though I wasn't as special as he led me to believe. Oh well, life goes on and obviously proved to me that I made the right choice in not marrying him in the first place.

 

3) Found out some interesting things about one of my kids, sorry that I can't share....but let's just say that I was shocked but at the same time hurt that it took so long for my kid to tell me.

3) Have permanent houseguests. Thankfully they are helping with the rent now. 

 

4) Still having money issues, surprise. But then again I had a lot of catching up to do and I now have a car payment, traded in my SUV for a smaller car. So that is nice.

 

5) Gave my youngest son who is living with me an ultimatum. Get your diploma and get a job by November or he's gonna have to join the military or something. I am planning on moving at the beginning of the year so something has to change, I can't afford to support so many people mostly by myself. Everyone pays a portion of the rent, but I pay for everything else. Thankfully the friends of my son's who live here get their own groceries so I don't have to worry about that.

5) Found out that one of the girls in my re-training class took off for about the same amount of time that I did and for the same reasons almost. We even have the same psychiatrist so that was really interesting. We have gotten together a few times to talk about everything, we both have the same issues about the calls and disability and everything like that.

 

So I think that covers a lot. Not everything I'm sure, in fact I know it doesn't......had some deaths in the family as well and took too much time off from work so I am on my final written notice, next time I call in I will get fired. Nice, huh? But here is an even funnier thing. I was #1 on my team and got an award for it a couple of months ago. I am still a high performer at my job. I take a Klonopin every day before I start. I am always on time and I do a very good job while I'm there. They've changed a lot of things there and some are good and some, not so good. But thankfully I am on a great team and my manager has helped me a lot. He is a great guy and doesn't put any pressure on us and yet all of us perform very well. If they try to take me off of his team I will fight it. I've made a couple of new friends on the team as well, we are the same ages and get a long great. We are a lot alike in many ways. So that has been positive. Like I said in my last post those many months ago, I am trying to focus on the positive in my life. It is hard sometimes. I am thankful to still be seeing the same therapist. He and my psychiatrist are both EXTREMELY surprised that I have been doing as well as I have. But some of it is falling apart because of my inability to go to work the way I need to. My manager tried to help me by letting me know that I could apply for FMLA leave to where I would get a couple of days off a month without issue. Unfortunately, although my doctor filled everything out I was not able to get it because I was out for so long that I have to build up my hours. So it will probably be January or February before I can get enough hours to do that. I just hope I can last.

I made sure to schedule my vacation days so that I get a 4 day weekend around every other month. So that is a good thing I think. It helps. I am going to have to have a showdown with my depression and fight the hell out of it to keep me at work every day. I NEED to keep this job and right now it is almost impossible to do if I can't get it together. I mean, I literally fight with myself every day almost about going to work. It is really bad. Then the way they have it there, you might as well call in sick for a week than just one day, it all counts the same against you. So they make it really hard to go back.  So anyway, we will see....I HAVE to go!!!! 

 

In a few weeks I will meet up with my girls for a concert up north. I have friends coming from out of town and out of state., I can't wait to see them. I am really embarrassed because I have gained about 50 pounds at least since I saw them last. But I am trying to not let that interfere with having a good time. I plan on forgetting that and just enjoying myself. It is sad, they want me to come up the day before the show but I can't because of work so I am basically going to only see them for the day and then come back home the next day. I hopefully will be able to pack a hell of a lot of fun into that small amount of time. Trying to get the money together to go is hard enough, but at least I already paid for my ticket and we have front row center seats! I haven't seen the guys in the band for like 2 years so that will be cool as well. They haven't seen me in forever so they probably won't even know who I am, especially since I've gained so much weight! But I am going to just be me and have fun!!!! I need it and I deserve it. So depression, we are going to have a showdown at high noon and you will LOSE!!!!! 

 

Oh yeah and in case anyone is interested.....I am working on a book, so many different ideas in my head.....at least I have ideas right? It is hard to find the time to write, it truly is.....but I am determined to so this!!!! See ya next time....and I promise I won't wait near as long this time.....

So This is Christmas.....

I've been talking to a dear friend of mine the past couple of days about Christmas. This year is beyond lean for my family. I am still on disability so it has been a struggle just to live, let alone indulge in something as simple as a Christmas card for friends. I know that Christmas is about more than gifts. But when you suffer from depression these little setbacks take greater meaning and are more intense than they would normally be. I know that it is also the time of year when you miss those you have lost. But I have found that you not only miss those you have lost, you also miss the past and the memories made there. 

My friend and I were discussing how much we miss Christmas when our kids were little. Neither of us said anything about missing Christmas from when we were kids. I noticed that later. I know that every year with the kids was altogether hectic (some years more than others), joyful, chaotic, and special. It wasn't about the kids getting gifts as much as it was the simple traditions carried out every year. Nothing warms the heart more than watching the joy on a child's face when they see the tree for the first time after Santa has drop his payload. The wide eyes, the "Oh Boy!" coming out of your kids mouths. Man I could die happy remembering times like that. Every year the kids tried to wake me up earlier and earlier. Of course when their dad and I were together he REFUSED to be awoken any earlier than 7 am and then he would insist on taking an hour long shower before the kids could go and unwraps their gifts. If I recall correctly eventually I was able to put a kibosh on that idea. I don't remember how old they were before that happened. I remember one year letting my daughter open one gift on her birthday while her daddy was in the bath and he went ballistic, so that never happened again, he was so furious. To me I thought it was reasonable. She had already waited ALL DAY for her dad to get home from work and then he insisted on taking a bath (we were living overseas and had only a bathtub) first. No fair! So I let our daughter open one gift from her grandparents, I thought she earned the right. It was her 2nd birthday and she was excited. Christmas morning had a similar edict.

Sorry, I digress! Anyway, every year I made a coffee cake and special Christmas cookies that I usually only made at Christmas and maybe one other time during the year. So in the morning, the kids' father and I would eat coffee cake in between opening gifts. The kids always ate the cake AFTER presents! Lol. Just watching the joy on their faces and the excitement. It is something that is forever imprinted on my brain. One of the kids would always be in charge of getting the gifts for each person, another would pick up the wrapping paper. The other two? Well at first they were too young for those tasks, later they took over for the older ones who were by now tired of that routine. Lol. 

Later, as the kids were, playing with toys or calling friends or family, I would start making the special rolls that took hours to make in between phone calls.The smells were always wonderful. WE usually ate fairly early and a lot! I always made a rump roast for the main entree, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, special cloverleaf yeast rolls, and whatever vegetable I could get away with....with a chocolate cream pie for dessert. 

Of course those were the years that we didn't live around family. When we lived around family, it was twice the chaos and 3 times the hassle. Christmas eve was spent at the paternal grandparents house with ALL of the family. Christmas day we spent at our house, then later to brother and sister in laws house where we always had Christmas dinner because they had the biggest and fanciest house. Sometimes we spent an hour or two at my parents house. Although my dad thought that was stupid since we had small children...so they usually came to us. Thank you very much! I appreciated that more than anything. My dad was cool like that! Growing up as an only child made these big Christmases foreign to me. But I was glad that my own children got to be surrounded by lots of family.

These days we have no contact with their dad or his family. My oldest daughter is the only one who has contact with her dad.  The grandparents are deceased on both sides, their paternal grandmother only passed this year. We actually had a lot of contact with her. But with her death all contact with that part of the family has ceased. I have no family other than my children. I have distant relatives, but we don't know each other. I don't have any contact at all with my dad's family and they were the ones I was closest to growing up. They were a huge family but when my grandma died everyone kinda had minimal contact with each other. Most of them live in the same area but never see each other or rarely if they do at all. I haven't had any contact with them in about 8 years. They are lost to me, I don't even know if they are all alive. My mom's family? Well all of them are gone. I have a few cousins and we kept in contact after our last uncle died for a little bit, but that has dwindled to nothing really. I have contact with one cousin on Facebook and that is it. It is understandable, we didn't know each other growing up. They lived on the other side of the country. My mom and I only visited once. Two of my cousins and their mom visited us once and that was it.


I think that one thing that I have noticed is when the matriarch dies, it seems that the most families drift apart. I'm sure it is not for everyone. Every family is different, but I have noticed that it is usually the moms who try so hard to keep in contact with the kids and apprise them of what the others are doing. When that link is broken, many families are so busy with their own families that they neglect the relationships they have with their siblings, nieces, and nephews. Having had no siblings I am completely alone and cannot understand how this can happen in a family. I think many times the responsibility falls to the oldest child and he or she will try to keep the links alive. I think that will probably happen when I pass away. My kids will probably drift as well. Maybe it is our society that makes it easy to do....I don't know. I really want my kids to stay close but I notice that they don't even have a lot of contact right now and they live in the same town. They love each other and would be there if they were needed, I know that...I kinda have two sets of kids, the older two are separated from the younger two by many years. My youngest daughter told me that she doesn't really know what to say to the older two. She said she feels like she doesn't really know them and they really don't have anything in common. It is really sad to me. I don't know that there is anything I can do about it these days. I think that is one of the reasons why I hate living in this little apartment. When I had a big house we all had Christmas dinner together almost every year and the kids and I had a routine, even when there were boyfriends or girlfriends there. We hung out, talked, ate dinner, drank wine and then played games. It was fun, we laughed a lot. I miss that so much. The first year I was at THAT particular house was the first year I went totally crazy with decorating at Christmas. I had a formal living room with a big bay window where I put the tree and we had a fireplace that I decorated with garland and lights and stockings. I went insane with the decorations. Every end table had a little tree or some other decoration. For Christmas dinner I'd use the special Christmas tablecloths and with coordinating Christmas napkins and silver and gold napkin rings. I'd use the formal china and silver for the table. The centerpieces always included lit candles. I loved Christmas. What happened? I think the kids growing up, the scattering of my life as well as the fast pace of life in general has contributed to the loss of what was once so dearly loved.

I miss those times gone by. I miss the feelings, the emotions, the love, and the joy. Once lost, it is hard to regain.

When it rains, it pours and pours and pours and won't ever stop...

Man, if it isn't always something! Kick me when I'm down why dontcha. I am just trying to make it to go back to work and it seems like there is a conspiracy to make me crazy....or is that keep me crazy? It just seems like everything just keeps going wrong and I don't know how much more I can handle. I have never felt so helpless. This time it's my car. Now I have been having problems with it the past month or two...or should I say my daughter has because I don't even drive it except to see my doctor every 2 weeks. Well we keep replacing things, hoping that it will fix the problem. So far, nothing has worked. We don't have any money to fix anything else, seriously. Now I THOUGHT we might have had the problem solved and those hopes just got dashed.

I was already thinking about selling my car, an SUV, as it was, I was looking for something smaller...but it has back due registration, the air conditioner doesn't work ($800 to fix), and the windshield has a big crack in it (at the bottom, thankfully). Anyway, my son's friends sister asked my son if I wanted to sell my car yesterday or the day before. Now her boyfriend who lives with her is a mechanic so she had no problem with the issues and she knew about the registration. So I thought about it and after my daughter called me telling me that the last thing we fixed on it yesterday STILL didn't fix the problem I said "YES!". Well my son just informed me that she no longer wants to buy the car. Seems she got into trouble at work today so I am assuming that she is worried about her job now. Anyway, she said that she no longer wants to buy it. Now, do I believe this? I don't know, I guess prior experience has made me skeptical. One thing I DO know is that I have had people ask me in the past if I wanted to sell my car (whichever one I had at the time) and the same thing has happened to my kids about their cars. People sound interested and they ask....then when you take them up on it, all of a sudden they have every excuse in the book for why they can't. Hey people if you are interested, say "Let me know if you ever want to sell your car, can't guarantee that I'll buy it but ask me first OK?". Now THAT is the way to do it. Not act all interested and tell someone that you want to buy their car and then as soon as they say OK...say oh no I can't....That is just not right. I'm not saying this is the case here....just saying that it is an experience I'm familiar with.



So now I am really in a bad situation, more so than before. My daughter's car is still broken and she needs to get to school and work. I am supposed to go back to work the first couple of days of January....now how am I going to get there....great, just great. It just seems like I can't catch a break! It's just one thing after another after another.....DAMMIT! I really don't know what I am going to do in the short term not to mention the long term. I mean the car's air conditioning already doesn't work. I was originally thinking of selling it just for that reason alone....but I would keep it if I had to but I can't afford even the smallest car repair right now. My son paid for some of the recent repair and my daughter paid for some of the last repair. It is only fair since she is the one driving it. But she can't keep paying for this and I can't...so I don't know what I am going to do now....


I just truly don't know how many more setbacks I can handle. I mean in the scheme of things this isn't so bad...IF I WAS WORKING! But with only living off of disability and food stamps (a whole $37 worth of those!) I am barely surviving as it is....to try to fix the car too???? Like I said, if I was working it wouldn't be so bad. I mean one of the parts is like $40, if it another part then I am looking at almost $200, which I pray it isn't that! But I have no way of knowing until we put the part in. Not like you can take these parts back either....*sigh*

You know what is sad? I was finally working myself into another mode, preparing to go back to work....trying to find a way to deal with that....then I was looking into trying to fix some of the financial messes I've gotten into since being on disability. So I was going in the right direction....I am trying so damn hard and I feel like no matter how hard I try the fates are conspiring against me. I mean karma is kicking my ass from years ago. My hormones are NOT helping my depression either. I figured out some ways to deal with some of these issues. But when you get to a certain point....it's like I just want to give up!!!!! I have been through much worse things, don't get me wrong....I am just much more vulnerable now that I've been breaking down my walls in therapy. Makes me begin to wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes I wonder if my mother used to cry when she was dealing with this kind of stuff. I don't really remember her ever crying about anything, maybe she cried when her dad died....She just never showed that kind of thing to me. Maybe she cried to my dad....although I never heard her cry. I saw her depressed A LOT. Always deep in thought. My mom spent most of her days, when she wasn't actually doing some chore or errand or volunteer work, she would be pacing in the house, in the kitchen, listening to the radio and drinking a beer. She would nurse that beer for HOURS. She was an unusual alcoholic in that she didn't get drunk. She drank every single day, but never got drunk. It is really weird. She was still a great mom considering all of the abuse she suffered as a child. She always tried her best with me. I never, ever doubted that she loved me. Of that I will forever be grateful. 

Well I think that is enough for now....just got off of the phone with my son who seems convinced that I can still sell my car to someone on Craig's List....umm I doubt it....even I wouldn't buy my car. It is a great car, don't get me wrong....but with not knowing what the problem is and knowing that the AC doesn't work, the registration is behind, AND the windshield is cracked....ummm nope, wouldn't buy it. But my son did say that he will buy me a new fuel filter and we will see if that is the problem. It is the last "cheap" thing we can try.....I hope that is it.....*sigh*

How did I get here?

Almost every day I find myself asking, "How did I get to this point in my life?". I mean, I have been chugging along for years living life both good and bad....but every day moving, sometimes forward, sometimes laterally. But moving somehow. These days I am at a complete standstill. Life has completely stopped for ME, although life continues to move around me....I stay still. I think much of this goes back to the losses in my life that have finally caught up to me. I have been strong for so many years and now I've fallen apart and don't know how to pick up the pieces or where to start. I know that the death of my mom started a downward spiral, but I kept it together for my kids and for my dad....then my dad killed himself. I tried so hard to get through it. The shock, although not surprising, the shock is what almost made me stop right then. But somehow I moved along....but it was false....I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected. Also I had kids that depended on me and I had to keep it as together as possible for them. But now I find myself on a precipice of despair and the only action I keep thinking of is jumping off of that cliff. How the HELL did I get here?????

It is a daily hell almost. I mean I'm lucky, I have a great friend who keeps me thinking and a great therapist who is seeing me for free. I saw him just the other day and I was in really bad shape the day before I saw him. I held on knowing that I would see him the next day. It helps to know that the helpline is right there....Anyway, he told me that the reason why he is seeing me like this is the hope that I will get better, that I will eventually get to the point where I go back to work and everything gets better for me and I get my life back. He seems to want that for me and I appreciate it. He asked if I wanted to make an appointment for next week, I said "no", partly because I feel guilty for seeing him for free, but I told him that if I need an appointment I will not hesitate to call. I really scared myself the other day....I was so close to ending it all. I mean, REALLY close....I just couldn't take it anymore. So many things I have come to realize in my life and some of them are so incredibly painful that I guess I don't want to live with them. 

One thing that I suspected and have finally faced and am able to put into words. I have NEVER been anyone's priority except for my mom. No one has EVER put me first. I have always been 2nd or 3rd or further down the line. There is nothing harder to face then knowing that you haven't been loved enough to be number one. When I was married, my husband was number one in our marriage. He looked out for and loved himself (if you can call it love) more than anyone else. My ex fiance put me 2nd, his first wife was his number one. Even now I realize that he wants someone, ANYONE, to be with him....I don't matter. He thinks I do, but he doesn't even know his own self. I've seen it with him....I saw the same things with my ex-husband it's called, "I don't want to be alone" which means they just want to be with someone, it doesn't really matter who. I know that my ex-husband at one point realized that....but then I'm sure he "unrealized" it as was always his way....My ex-fiance, not sure if he has realized it or not. I'm sure they'd argue that they just want to be in a relationship.......but at any cost? Doesn't even matter to me anymore. I will never be in another relationship again. I will never trust my love again. I have given my love away and been hurt too deeply to do it again. I almost made the same mistake that my exes have in getting into a relationship just to be in one.....what a mistake that was. All it does is make me feel even more worthless than ever. Not a good plan. One day I truly hope to love myself or at least like myself again. At this point in time I feel as though I have given up on everything. I mean, what the hell happened?! They say youth is wasted on the young and it is so true. I wasted so many years on other people instead of in myself. I think of all of the things I never did, which is normal as you get older....but some of it I never did in deference to the person I was with. I did get some of my youth back for awhile but then this damn job caused me to start having flashbacks and those flashbacks sent my whole life careening backward into a shit storm of hurt and pain that I thought I was leaving behind. Now it is front and center and worse than ever. Totally sucks! I want to be better, I really do....but I am in a holding pattern which brings me to.......

Went to the county to get my evaluation. Well how awesome, I can't see a psychiatrist, which means no medication, until the END of DECEMBER! So I am going to be without ALL of my meds for at least another 2 months. I am SUPPOSED to go back to work on January 3rd. Ha! Not gonna happen without meds, I know it can't, I won't last. I can get disability for one more month, but my job is going to be an issue because I have to see a Psychiatrist to fill out the forms and the only Psych. I can see will be the county Psych. Will he fill them out after only seeing me once? Can he or she fill them out in time? So, what to do, what to do. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure I will be going back just to get fired. They are famous for doing this. When I explained this to my therapist he said "why would you want to go back? It's like going back to an abusive relationship." Yep, it is....but it is my only option right now. It's a job and I need the money. But I hope I can find something else, I don't think I will last even if they don't fire me right away....I think it will be a matter of time. Although my daughter did say that people ask about me all of the time there. Weird, I didn't know I was so popular there. I mean, really.....

Well I think this is all I can muster right now. I have such a hard time writing. I have nothing positive to write and that makes me sad. I had hoped when I started this blog that I could give hope to people that it will get better. But so far for me, it hasn't. I am more suicidal than ever, much of it is because of things too numerous to mention here....things just keep happening that cause me untold amount of stress. Stuff that normally would be irritating and might upset me, but not like THIS. So I'm sorry that this isn't a more cheerful blog. I'm sorry that I am not more cheerful. People who know me would probably be so surprised by all of this....I put on such a happy face and I try my hardest to think positive. But I have grown tired and weary and the fight is getting knocked out of me. But I'm still holding on for dear life. One day I hope to look back on this and think, "My god I am lucky to be alive. Who was that woman?". But for now, I struggle and I cry every single day and yet I still hope that a bright light shows up at the end of this tunnel, the sooner the better.

Life doesn't like me....it's a bully!

Damn if it's not one thing it's another. Trying to balance life and deal with things that are not under my control. Teetering on losing everything. Just so tired of fighting to stay alive when life is determined to kill me. Life is such an asshole! If life was an actual person, he'd be a bully, a BIG one! I wish life WAS a person, then maybe I'd have more of a chance. But right now? Nope not a one. 

Been having problems financially, thanks to being on disability and also because my roommate, who happens to be my daughter, has borrowed money that she can't pay back right now.....well right now happens to be rent time. So I couldn't pay it, I had 5 days to pay it and had hoped that I could squeeze one or two more days and then get the money in there by the time the check cleared the bank. Ya see I had to re-up my disability and there were time delays, some my fault, and some because I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor in time. Well I got the paperwork over to my other doctor who took care of it right away. The problem is that it threw off my disability payments, so now I get paid on a different day and it has thrown all of my bills off. Rent being one of them. Well tonight I got a notice saying that I had to pay the rent within three days or surrender possession of the residence, ie: my apartment. Well I had planned on paying it, BUT they are telling me I HAVE to give them a cashiers check. Well #1, the 3rd day, Saturday....I MIGHT have my check if I'm lucky....but the credit union is closed on Saturday and they are the only one I would be able to get the cashiers check from. Unless I get a money order, I guess I could do that....IF my check gets here on Saturday...if it doesn't, what the hell am I supposed to do? Lose this little place? Be homeless? Be the typical mental disorder casualty? Great. Actually I know my son would take me in. But with all that he is going through right now, I really don't want to do that to him. Although on the other hand they need the money that my rent could pay them....but that would leave my youngest daughter with no where to go, unless he took her in too.....not sure that he would want to do that. I know his wife doesn't want me to live there and I don't blame her I guess. Truthfully I don't know that I want to live there anyway....


I am on the verge of losing my storage units with all of my stuff....I have a couple of "opposition to lien"sales things to fill out....but they want me to send them back "certified mail". I don't have the money to send them back. I might be able to get the money to send ONE, but both? I'd have to send them in the same envelope, which I know they don't want me to do....but I don't have a choice. Cashiers Checks, Certified Mail....all of these things because I can't pay...I'm on disability that doesn't cover every bill as it is....yet somehow I am supposed to pay extra money just to tell them I can't pay or in the rent case, to pay something that I couldn't pay on time....great! Life is just kicking my ass at the worst possible time. Really. This sucks more than I can say. What I had to kind of chuckle at is the fact that the rent notice that I got says to actually pay a smaller amount, by less than a dollar, of what I usually pay....what is up with that?????


Well anyway, just kinda had to write this as I feel like the world wants me to leave....I was talking to a friend last night (on the internet, I can't talk on the phone) we worked together at the place I'm on disability leave from. She told me a lot of things that lead me to believe something that I've already suspected. I am probably going to get fired soon after getting back. Nothing personal, but it's a big bank and frankly they can be real assholes when it comes to their employees. Especially when the employee is not there, no matter what the reason, no matter how much back-up you may have.....they will find a way. In these economic times, it's pretty easy to get someone to fill your job. But it also bothers the question, "WHY are they always hiring people?".....it is because they are always firing people, most of it is ridiculous no heart type firings OR the employees quit, because they can't take it anymore. It is a bad place to be in. 


Right now I find myself crying pretty much every day. My emotions are just under the surface. Which is actually a good thing, because I have been denying my emotions and not showing them for a very long time. The problem is....it makes me very fragile emotionally. That in turn is making my life very tough right now, not to mention the fact that I need to get another job. But it also shows that my therapy is working. Although I have been set back, I am still learning things and making progress. So even with my progress having been set back, it will still progress....


This is the life of the mentally ill. We do our best and even then there are so many things beyond our control. In a better mindset we could probably handle it. But when you are fragile, like I feel right now......it is a very dangerous and precarious place to be. I DO NOT like it, nor do I recommend it. I can only try to keep from totally losing my mind. If I lose it, I am done forever.....So every single day I fight and fight and fight.....and it sucks. I can only hope that there is indeed a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.....

****WARNING****
Video is of one of my favorite shows: Dexter, which airs on Showtime. Beware, the video has a lot of blood, it traces the murder of Dexter's mother when he was a young child.  

Video is from YouTube. This song is pretty great for someone like me....
"despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"

Hard not to be depressed when the world is so crazy!

Well I figured out why I was so depressed when I wrote my ultra-depressing blog last month. Hormones. Yep, you ladies know what I'm talking about. It is that little period before and during your menstrual period when all of your emotions are out of control. Yep, I realized that a couple of weeks ago and shared it with my doctor, actually both of my doctors. They seemed to understand as well as they could for me. The point is that just realizes this is making it a little easier for me this month around. 

Right now I am having a hard time again, but at least I know why my feelings have intensified and it really makes it easier to deal with. I just tell myself that it's OK that these feelings will be much less intense in the next week or so. Right now I get my feelings hurt easier, I won't even go into the details of the last bit of BS concerning me trying to help someone else by sharing a security tip with them that they DEFINITELY did not appreciate and accused me of making a big deal out of something. Oh well, their loss, especially since I realized that this same person who chastised me and tried to educate ME on internet security had her whole hard drive knocked out a month or so ago....hmmm....maybe she's not the best person to lecture me. LoL Anyway, my point is that I let it really hurt me and make me angry. Well I got it off my chest by writing to a friend and then hearing some feedback from others that I shared this with. I also realized that my hormones were hard at work here. What really bothers me and makes me concerned is that when I received the message from her about what I said, I got the same anxiousness that I get during an anxiety attack. I received another message from her today, but one of many about "send this to X amount of people who have made a difference in your life" yada, yada, yada. I ended up having the same anxiety. So that will be something to discuss with my therapist on Tuesday. Because if even something like this is going to throw me, I can't imagine what will happen when I go back to work. I am in big trouble here I think.

OK so the title of this post has to do with the incident I mentioned but also with all of the hatred and intolerance I am seeing in this country right now. I am reading some posts from people that literally are making me sick. I have never seen so much hatred in my life. No to mention ignorance. It seems as though we have gone back to the 50's and 60's only it's Muslims, instead of African-Americans, that are considered less than human. Wow. It just blows my mind at the lack of education but also the lack of ability for so many people not to reason out what is happening or has happened in this world. So many people are of the "shoot first" mentality. Well when you shoot first with nuclear weapons, which many have suggested, you are affecting the whole world and no one seems to get that. No one seems to realize the consequences....unless you are survivors of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I mean it just blows my mind how idiotic and unreasonable so many people are. Truthfully I could care less about them except that what they say and do affects me and my family AND my fellow countrymen. The point being that when I read this stuff it makes me want to kill myself even more. It depresses me and makes me think that this world is not worth living in. Now of course I fight that, but it is HARD. I imagine that for this reason, and similar ones, there are many who feel as I do. How do you fight depression when you are bombarded every day with such hatred? It makes me fear for the future of my world, not just this country. It makes me sad and depressed. The only recourse I would have is to not read anything, but that would isolate me even more from the world than I am already. That is something I am told that I shouldn't do. I mean I could do the whole "ignorance is bliss" living, but that is not who I am. I lived that way when I first got married and it cost me.

With so much negativity in the world it is difficult to climb out of depression. But then again HOW can we make a difference if we don't pull ourselves out of this? I am trying, god knows. I have tried to remain positive, but all it takes when you are fragile like this is to hear one negative comment aimed at you and your resolve crumbles...then you add the world of crazy to it and you think, "what's the point?".

On a hopefully positive note, the former love of my life is coming to visit me this week. We will be going out of town together for a few days. I haven't seen him in 9 years and we didn't end well....But we are both the same people, but yet different. I think I need to get out of here for awhile and I hope that I can remember my hormones being out of whack and make this time a positive time for both of us. He is a sweet man and I do not want to ruin his trip. I hope we can help each other to escape our lives for a few days and have some fun. We both need some FUN! I always had a good time with him and we are both each others cheering section so I am hoping that we stay focused on just enjoying our time together. I don't want to think of any of this negative junk while we're together. I am sure that he feels the same way.

So I think I should just end it here.....anyone who feels this way, please know that you are not alone. I am sure there are many of us feeling the same way.....talk about it, write about it, or do whatever you have to do to unburden yourself of this heavy weight of living in a crazy world. Living being the operative word. We all have to live, we have families and/or friends that depend on us to be here, even when we don't feel it. They are there.

I'm going to leave you with a video and song by a band of guys near and dear to me. (sorry it's too wide, I wasn't able to fix it) This song sums up what we must do to get out of this depression and live our lives as we are meant to do!
  

I'm Still Alive.....

As you can tell by the fact that I am writing this blog, I am still here, still alive. Not always easy but this life has never been. 

After the last blog one of my friends reached out to me. My blog made her cry, she said that she had no idea I was feeling that way. She and I both cried together. She asked me what she could do to help me and if she did anything to cause me to feel this way. Like I told her (this is good for anyone who knows someone who is going through this) just calling or keeping in some kind of contact helps. Just hearing about her life a little bit helped. Most of the time though there isn't a whole lot that can be done. No one can get into anyone's head nor can the person who's suffering tell you how to make it better. We don't know how. My going to therapy WILL make it better in time. I am praying for that day. But for the moment it is like being behind a soundproof glass window and watching all of the happy normal people walk by. It is hard and some days are better than others. As a woman we also have to be careful that our hormones don't overwhelm us which is much of what happened when I wrote my last blog post. It intensified all of the horrible feelings I was feeling. I wish I could have realized it then instead of now. I don't know how much it would have helped, but maybe it would have helped me get through it a little easier. I did have a birthday last week as well and I had birthday greetings from a lot of people so I felt good about that as well. One thing I can say is that there is one difference between my father who committed suicide and me....when my friends as well as my family tell me what a difference I make in their lives, it makes me pause before doing something so final that I can't take back. My father's suicide will continue to haunt me and I honestly thought that it would keep me from seriously thinking about it myself. Unfortunately time is showing me that it is not necessarily the case, although I am sure it keeps me alive longer. It is the depression and hopelessness that drives the suicidal mind. When you don't think that you can get out. When there is no hope in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, when you think you don't matter.....even if people you love tell you that you do.....that is when you think you and your family are better off without you. I have learned that with this latest bout. Logically I know they won't be, I've been there, but the hopelessness and despair doesn't go away just because you want it to. It is something that I have to fight every single day, if I give up as my dad did then I will not make it. So I will do my best to stay in the game. The game that is life. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of fight, but it also takes determination and support. It is hard to go it alone. 

I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and then my Psychiatrist the next day. I have to let my Psychiatrist know that I can't see him anymore because I don't have insurance. Sucks. Then next week I will go to the county and see someone there. It's almost like starting over yet again. *sigh*

My ex-fiance is coming to visit from out of state in a couple of weeks or so. That should be interesting. I've never had an ex visit like this. We were very good friends so I am hoping this is a positive experience for both of us, which I am pretty sure it will be. We're not sure what we are going to do yet, he is making the plans. I just hope that I am not too down when he comes to see me as it will be around "that" time when I get down and out. Maybe our hanging out will eliminate the issue this month. I hope so. I miss him, we always had fun together. 

Well I am getting ready to go to bed. I have been having a very hard time sleeping lately again so I am hoping that tonight will be the exception....probably not, but I can always hope.

I leave you with a video from Pearl Jam.....have a good week and I'll see you next time....that's positive thinking, right?

Losing Myself....

The title of this blog pretty much says it all. I feel as though my life has left me, I miss what used to be my life. I felt like it had some meaning. Now I'm just going through the motions, trying to fight the good fight and losing terribly. I feel alone and abandoned by the world, disconnected from even the most basic of feelings other than sorrow, despair, hurt, and pain. I am thankful for the couple of friends I have or else I don't know what I would do. It is that little thread that is keeping me tied to this world. As you can tell by this post my depression is winning the war. At some point I am going to lose my ability to do the most basic things because right now I am fighting just to get up out of bed. Of course I'm not sleeping much at all which I'm sure isn't helping right now. 

  Dr. H has talked to me about my guilt, he said the guilt is masking things and I know what it is masking. Hurt, pain, and anger...rage even. This sucks more than anything, I hate these feelings. Before I got better for awhile (a few years ago) I was feeling a lot of anger. I mean every single day I was angry and/or depressed. Then by some miracle I snapped out of it and became a different person for a few years...not enough years because now I am back to that hopeless person again. I hate it so much. I don't want to feel this way but I know I have to stop masking it and deal with it. But it is so very hard. All I want to do is die right now. I am tired both physically and emotionally. I've lost the connection with pretty much everyone I know. Both physically and emotionally. No one knows me anymore. I feel as though I would not be missed by more than a handful of the people I know. Four of those are my kids. I feel useless and I feel like no matter what I say or do it isn't right. 

  Of course it doesn't help that every time I read posts on the internet regarding news stories or even some Facebook postings it makes me feel like the world is made up of hate more than love. Why in the hell would I want to stick around for this? I can't bear this. I know I am not the only person who feels this way, don't get me wrong. It appears to be a pity party and sometimes I want to slap my own face....sometimes I do. This doesn't negate what I am feeling. I am depressed, I am tired, and I feel like I'm already dead inside. It sucks to feel this way. I feel as though I am getting worse instead of better so I have to remind myself that my doctor told me that this would happen. But ya know what, even though I know that it doesn't stop me from feeling totally and utterly alone. Where the hell are the voices in my head??? It's all quiet in there and that may be good...maybe it's the eye of the storm which would mean this is half over, right? Get through the other half and then I'm home free? I sure hope so because if I fall much further I don't know if I will be able to get out.

Here is some song lyrics with the song posted right after that REALLY embody so much of how I'm feeling. Sorry the video isn't really a video but an album cover but the song is good. I like it, even if it is depressing. For anyone who may actually read this, writing helps me even if it is negative like this. I'm sorry for being such a downer but it is part of the journey that I promised you with this blog. You are going to get the bad with the good.

Losing time
counting hours
I'll never see myself again
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Closing down
I expect the hopelessness
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
and that's all I need

I am lost
I feel I am sinking now
like I was made of rain

Like a wave I roll into the endless night

I am not afraid
as the darkness starts
to make its way
I breathe as hard as you
as I end my day
I sigh and shelter
as I try to sink that deep
as deepas you and make sure
that I won't fall asleep

Losing days
I need no hours
I'll never be myself again
And even though it's killing me
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Isn't boredom the root of something bad? Evil or something?

The past couple of days have been really strange. Last night my son went out with his friends, which I thought was a good thing considering he was so upset about his unemployment extension being blocked by congress. OK, not just his, many people are affected. Anyway, while he was gone his best friend posted something very similar to what my son had posted on Facebook. It was basically FML. In case you didn't know, FML=Fuck My Life. What is the difference between depression and extreme boredom? Anyone have any idea? I'm not really sure myself anymore. I started going back and forth with my son's friend about positive things going on in his life. For instance, the fact that he has a job. His response was that he was still bored and that anything he wanted to do costs money. He feels as though he is going nowhere in his life. Like he is going to be stuck. Like my youngest son he is in his early 20's and still living with his parents. 

  I remember what it was like to be his age, of course my life was very different. I was already married, had a child, and was living overseas. So I started thinking about when I was a teenager. It was much easier to be bored in those days I think, at least as far as options go. A handful of channels on the TV and maybe one or two radio stations that played the music you liked. But still boredom is boredom, so I thought about the things that I did and I mentioned to him about setting some goals for himself and figuring out how to achieve those goals. Most kids these days do not seem to be setting goals for themselves other than, "I want to be a rock star" or "I want to make a million dollars". Well how are you going to achieve that? A music label is not going to come to your door with a contract and unless you win the lottery, you are going to have to do something to make that million dollars. You have to be proactive in life to live instead of just existing.

  I feel very much like a teenager these days as far as goals go and boredom. Boredom is VERY bad for someone with PTSD. It seems inevitable that if you find no joy in life, how do you set goals and how do you find a way to get past the boredom? That is something I am still working on with the help of my therapist. I am in dire need of money, which also happens to be a good motivator as well as a major stressor. But it is still a struggle every single day. I am bored and all I want to do is sleep. I know it is not good and so I am trying to focus a little bit each day on some goals. It is really hard when you have no energy. But it has to be done. Somehow. So I kept trudging on. When you have 2 people in one house who are both depressed and bored, it can be dangerous. Thankfully I came up with something concerning my son and for once he doesn't seem to be fighting me. I hope that is a good sign. He actually seems as though he may try to get a job for a nice change. He isn't fighting it right now, which is progress.

  Right now boredom is something that neither of us needs, we'll save that for work! By the way I'd like to leave you with this book that is still in print and still relevant if you are not sure what to do with your life for a career. Good luck!

Cry baby, yep that's me.

This week I had 2 doctors appointments, one with my Psychiatrist and one with my therapist. Both were fruitful for different reasons.

The Psychiatrist, Dr. G, was first, on Monday. I told him about my overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of dread that I had last week and so he gave me Klonipin, which seems like a good choice so far as I haven't had the feeling since I started taking it first thing every morning. It will make my life easier if I don't have to wait for an attack to take a Xanax. I am trying so hard to get my life going and it has been really hard. I was starting to feel very defeated. I confess, I wanted to give up and die. I have been so bored of life and nothing is making me the least bit content. But I haven't given up yet, I can't, I have kids. Having had a father commit suicide I have sworn that I won't no matter what. It is a hard promise to keep sometimes.

  Dr. H was VERY helpful as always. He questioned if some of these feelings of dread and anxiety may have something to do with my ex-mother-in-laws death and the fact that her family and my ex are trying to contact me. I think it could definitely have something to do with it. I have no desire to see or talk to any of them ever again. The anxiety is just a reminder of all of the pain. When I was talking to Dr. H about my feelings and the fact that I don't have any, and I want to, I began crying when he asked me what I felt at that moment and all I could say was, "All I feel is hurt and pain". He told me that that is the outside layer that we need to get through to get those other feelings out. Everything is buried so deep. I just feel the bad stuff and I want to feel the good stuff. I had almost 2 years of great happiness, self confidence, and love for myself and others. Where did that go???? I want it back, I need it back!!!! I can't live without some joy somewhere.

  For someone who never cries, it was a shock to me that tears just started streaming down my face. I think it is a credit to my trust in my therapist. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I know it is cathartic, but it is alien to me these days. When I was a kid, I cried all of the time when my feelings were hurt, same with when I was married. But I have turned to stone because I've been hurt so much. So maybe this is a turning point... I hope so. It is part of the road to healing. It is going to take a long time to heal, none of the damage was done overnight so it won't be cured overnight either.

If you've noticed I added some favorite items from Amazon, I LOVE Amazon. There are some great books to read, some that are relevant to this condition and some just because they are good. The Stieg Larsson trilogy is good because it does address mental illness. The trilogy starts with "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I highly recommend it. I also recommend reading PTSD for Dummies. Any Dummies book I have found to be particularly useful if you have a hard time paying attention or need things explained in a way that makes it very easy to understand. Believe me I have Dummies books for everything from History to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Jewelry Making. So pick one up, the links are on the side bar for Amazon and on this blog.

I hope that one day soon I will hear from someone who reads this blog, if anyone. I would be curious to hear about your experiences and if you've had therapy, how has it worked for you?

Until next time.....