How did I get here?

Almost every day I find myself asking, "How did I get to this point in my life?". I mean, I have been chugging along for years living life both good and bad....but every day moving, sometimes forward, sometimes laterally. But moving somehow. These days I am at a complete standstill. Life has completely stopped for ME, although life continues to move around me....I stay still. I think much of this goes back to the losses in my life that have finally caught up to me. I have been strong for so many years and now I've fallen apart and don't know how to pick up the pieces or where to start. I know that the death of my mom started a downward spiral, but I kept it together for my kids and for my dad....then my dad killed himself. I tried so hard to get through it. The shock, although not surprising, the shock is what almost made me stop right then. But somehow I moved along....but it was false....I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected. Also I had kids that depended on me and I had to keep it as together as possible for them. But now I find myself on a precipice of despair and the only action I keep thinking of is jumping off of that cliff. How the HELL did I get here?????

It is a daily hell almost. I mean I'm lucky, I have a great friend who keeps me thinking and a great therapist who is seeing me for free. I saw him just the other day and I was in really bad shape the day before I saw him. I held on knowing that I would see him the next day. It helps to know that the helpline is right there....Anyway, he told me that the reason why he is seeing me like this is the hope that I will get better, that I will eventually get to the point where I go back to work and everything gets better for me and I get my life back. He seems to want that for me and I appreciate it. He asked if I wanted to make an appointment for next week, I said "no", partly because I feel guilty for seeing him for free, but I told him that if I need an appointment I will not hesitate to call. I really scared myself the other day....I was so close to ending it all. I mean, REALLY close....I just couldn't take it anymore. So many things I have come to realize in my life and some of them are so incredibly painful that I guess I don't want to live with them. 

One thing that I suspected and have finally faced and am able to put into words. I have NEVER been anyone's priority except for my mom. No one has EVER put me first. I have always been 2nd or 3rd or further down the line. There is nothing harder to face then knowing that you haven't been loved enough to be number one. When I was married, my husband was number one in our marriage. He looked out for and loved himself (if you can call it love) more than anyone else. My ex fiance put me 2nd, his first wife was his number one. Even now I realize that he wants someone, ANYONE, to be with him....I don't matter. He thinks I do, but he doesn't even know his own self. I've seen it with him....I saw the same things with my ex-husband it's called, "I don't want to be alone" which means they just want to be with someone, it doesn't really matter who. I know that my ex-husband at one point realized that....but then I'm sure he "unrealized" it as was always his way....My ex-fiance, not sure if he has realized it or not. I'm sure they'd argue that they just want to be in a relationship.......but at any cost? Doesn't even matter to me anymore. I will never be in another relationship again. I will never trust my love again. I have given my love away and been hurt too deeply to do it again. I almost made the same mistake that my exes have in getting into a relationship just to be in one.....what a mistake that was. All it does is make me feel even more worthless than ever. Not a good plan. One day I truly hope to love myself or at least like myself again. At this point in time I feel as though I have given up on everything. I mean, what the hell happened?! They say youth is wasted on the young and it is so true. I wasted so many years on other people instead of in myself. I think of all of the things I never did, which is normal as you get older....but some of it I never did in deference to the person I was with. I did get some of my youth back for awhile but then this damn job caused me to start having flashbacks and those flashbacks sent my whole life careening backward into a shit storm of hurt and pain that I thought I was leaving behind. Now it is front and center and worse than ever. Totally sucks! I want to be better, I really do....but I am in a holding pattern which brings me to.......

Went to the county to get my evaluation. Well how awesome, I can't see a psychiatrist, which means no medication, until the END of DECEMBER! So I am going to be without ALL of my meds for at least another 2 months. I am SUPPOSED to go back to work on January 3rd. Ha! Not gonna happen without meds, I know it can't, I won't last. I can get disability for one more month, but my job is going to be an issue because I have to see a Psychiatrist to fill out the forms and the only Psych. I can see will be the county Psych. Will he fill them out after only seeing me once? Can he or she fill them out in time? So, what to do, what to do. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure I will be going back just to get fired. They are famous for doing this. When I explained this to my therapist he said "why would you want to go back? It's like going back to an abusive relationship." Yep, it is....but it is my only option right now. It's a job and I need the money. But I hope I can find something else, I don't think I will last even if they don't fire me right away....I think it will be a matter of time. Although my daughter did say that people ask about me all of the time there. Weird, I didn't know I was so popular there. I mean, really.....

Well I think this is all I can muster right now. I have such a hard time writing. I have nothing positive to write and that makes me sad. I had hoped when I started this blog that I could give hope to people that it will get better. But so far for me, it hasn't. I am more suicidal than ever, much of it is because of things too numerous to mention here....things just keep happening that cause me untold amount of stress. Stuff that normally would be irritating and might upset me, but not like THIS. So I'm sorry that this isn't a more cheerful blog. I'm sorry that I am not more cheerful. People who know me would probably be so surprised by all of this....I put on such a happy face and I try my hardest to think positive. But I have grown tired and weary and the fight is getting knocked out of me. But I'm still holding on for dear life. One day I hope to look back on this and think, "My god I am lucky to be alive. Who was that woman?". But for now, I struggle and I cry every single day and yet I still hope that a bright light shows up at the end of this tunnel, the sooner the better.