As I get further in my therapy I find that the walls I have spent years building are coming down and it is terrifying. When I was a kid growing up I was overly emotional. Most people who witnessed this display had no idea what I was going through at home or what was happening in my life. My feelings would get hurt really easily. I was very raw emotionally and fragile....for good reason....but as a kid you don't really examine that in your fellow kids. So I got teased A LOT for crying when I was sad or my feelings were hurt among other things. No one helped me, teachers wouldn't lift a finger....they just let everything run it's course. So I would cry, kids would tease, and I would go home and cry some more because people were so mean and hurtful. I felt powerless. They call it bullying now. Back in those days it was considered kids being kids I guess. Teachers were indifferent. But hey, I got through it eventually. I didn't make a habit of crying in public as I got older of course. When I was with my now ex-husband he would be incredibly cruel to me and yes I would cry. I would cry a lot. In public when he would say hurtful things to me I would tear up but I struggled to never cry. Anyone in that situation would want to cry. The things that were said and done were wrong, incredibly hurtful. I am a human being with feelings so naturally when I was hurt I would cry. But I was working on developing a thick skin, even then.
When things went south for the last time with my husband and the pain was beyond anything I could handle I started building a wall. I reinforced that wall with brick, mortar, steel, and a force field miles away from my heart. Building a wall protects your heart but it also insulates it from all of the good things. The joy of life. The only hurt I allowed myself was the death of my parents. There was no way to keep that pain out. Nor could I keep hurt and pain out when my kids were hurting. Once upon a time I would get emotional at sad movies or really sweet happy endings. With the walls I built that became a thing of the past. I found myself unable to feel much of the empathy that I had always felt for others. Therapy has changed that and it scares the hell out of me. I think I started changing even before I started therapy, but therapy has opened the floodgates. I try to remember that it is OK to cry, it is OK to "feel" things. I find myself getting emotional watching movies now and it has been a really long time since I have felt this way. My ex-fiance would try to get me to cry when I was upset and all that did was make me dig in my heals and refuse to cry. Crying for me meant weakness, vulnerability. When I was in elementary school it meant teasing and bullying. When I was married it meant being vulnerable to a sadist who loved to make me cry. So to do this now is VERY scary to me. I don't know how to control it which is particularly scary for me.
Soon I will be going back to work and then I will have to learn how to control it in a hurry. It is a bad job to have in this condition. I don't know what these long forgotten emotions will mean for my life. I do know that I am not enjoying being hurt and I have been feeling hurt recently by silly little things that I should just let go. But it is making me aware that the feelings and emotions are coming back into my life. I don't know what to do with them right now. I know that I need to "feel" because without feeling sadness or empathy I can't feel love and joy. I am trying to have a new resolve in my life as well. I am resolved to live and not care what others think of me. I have to be true to myself and remember to let some things go, even though it is hard and the pain is still there. Is this forgiveness I wonder? I don't know. But I know that I don't have many years left on this earth and I don't want to waste them in sorrow and pain. I want my love of life back.
When I was growing up I always put on a happy face and people mistook that happy face for being happy. I learned that from my mother. But I was very unhappy, as was she. I don't want to "put on" a happy face. I want to be happy and have my face show it naturally! So I think that I shall make that my "new years resolution". To be happy inside and out. Embrace emotions. To cry when I am sad and laugh when I am happy. To just be me, for better or worse. It may not garner me a lot of friends, but the friends I have will know me and appreciate me for who I am whether I am happy or sad, joyous or mad. At heart I am a good person whether some people think so or not, accept it or not, it is the truth and I will no longer let others deter me from it.
Almost every day I find myself asking, "How did I get to this point in my life?". I mean, I have been chugging along for years living life both good and bad....but every day moving, sometimes forward, sometimes laterally. But moving somehow. These days I am at a complete standstill. Life has completely stopped for ME, although life continues to move around me....I stay still. I think much of this goes back to the losses in my life that have finally caught up to me. I have been strong for so many years and now I've fallen apart and don't know how to pick up the pieces or where to start. I know that the death of my mom started a downward spiral, but I kept it together for my kids and for my dad....then my dad killed himself. I tried so hard to get through it. The shock, although not surprising, the shock is what almost made me stop right then. But somehow I moved along....but it was false....I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected. Also I had kids that depended on me and I had to keep it as together as possible for them. But now I find myself on a precipice of despair and the only action I keep thinking of is jumping off of that cliff. How the HELL did I get here?????
It is a daily hell almost. I mean I'm lucky, I have a great friend who keeps me thinking and a great therapist who is seeing me for free. I saw him just the other day and I was in really bad shape the day before I saw him. I held on knowing that I would see him the next day. It helps to know that the helpline is right there....Anyway, he told me that the reason why he is seeing me like this is the hope that I will get better, that I will eventually get to the point where I go back to work and everything gets better for me and I get my life back. He seems to want that for me and I appreciate it. He asked if I wanted to make an appointment for next week, I said "no", partly because I feel guilty for seeing him for free, but I told him that if I need an appointment I will not hesitate to call. I really scared myself the other day....I was so close to ending it all. I mean, REALLY close....I just couldn't take it anymore. So many things I have come to realize in my life and some of them are so incredibly painful that I guess I don't want to live with them. One thing that I suspected and have finally faced and am able to put into words. I have NEVER been anyone's priority except for my mom. No one has EVER put me first. I have always been 2nd or 3rd or further down the line. There is nothing harder to face then knowing that you haven't been loved enough to be number one. When I was married, my husband was number one in our marriage. He looked out for and loved himself (if you can call it love) more than anyone else. My ex fiance put me 2nd, his first wife was his number one. Even now I realize that he wants someone, ANYONE, to be with him....I don't matter. He thinks I do, but he doesn't even know his own self. I've seen it with him....I saw the same things with my ex-husband it's called, "I don't want to be alone" which means they just want to be with someone, it doesn't really matter who. I know that my ex-husband at one point realized that....but then I'm sure he "unrealized" it as was always his way....My ex-fiance, not sure if he has realized it or not. I'm sure they'd argue that they just want to be in a relationship.......but at any cost? Doesn't even matter to me anymore. I will never be in another relationship again. I will never trust my love again. I have given my love away and been hurt too deeply to do it again. I almost made the same mistake that my exes have in getting into a relationship just to be in one.....what a mistake that was. All it does is make me feel even more worthless than ever. Not a good plan. One day I truly hope to love myself or at least like myself again. At this point in time I feel as though I have given up on everything. I mean, what the hell happened?! They say youth is wasted on the young and it is so true. I wasted so many years on other people instead of in myself. I think of all of the things I never did, which is normal as you get older....but some of it I never did in deference to the person I was with. I did get some of my youth back for awhile but then this damn job caused me to start having flashbacks and those flashbacks sent my whole life careening backward into a shit storm of hurt and pain that I thought I was leaving behind. Now it is front and center and worse than ever. Totally sucks! I want to be better, I really do....but I am in a holding pattern which brings me to.......
Went to the county to get my evaluation. Well how awesome, I can't see a psychiatrist, which means no medication, until the END of DECEMBER! So I am going to be without ALL of my meds for at least another 2 months. I am SUPPOSED to go back to work on January 3rd. Ha! Not gonna happen without meds, I know it can't, I won't last. I can get disability for one more month, but my job is going to be an issue because I have to see a Psychiatrist to fill out the forms and the only Psych. I can see will be the county Psych. Will he fill them out after only seeing me once? Can he or she fill them out in time? So, what to do, what to do. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure I will be going back just to get fired. They are famous for doing this. When I explained this to my therapist he said "why would you want to go back? It's like going back to an abusive relationship." Yep, it is....but it is my only option right now. It's a job and I need the money. But I hope I can find something else, I don't think I will last even if they don't fire me right away....I think it will be a matter of time. Although my daughter did say that people ask about me all of the time there. Weird, I didn't know I was so popular there. I mean, really..... Well I think this is all I can muster right now. I have such a hard time writing. I have nothing positive to write and that makes me sad. I had hoped when I started this blog that I could give hope to people that it will get better. But so far for me, it hasn't. I am more suicidal than ever, much of it is because of things too numerous to mention here....things just keep happening that cause me untold amount of stress. Stuff that normally would be irritating and might upset me, but not like THIS. So I'm sorry that this isn't a more cheerful blog. I'm sorry that I am not more cheerful. People who know me would probably be so surprised by all of this....I put on such a happy face and I try my hardest to think positive. But I have grown tired and weary and the fight is getting knocked out of me. But I'm still holding on for dear life. One day I hope to look back on this and think, "My god I am lucky to be alive. Who was that woman?". But for now, I struggle and I cry every single day and yet I still hope that a bright light shows up at the end of this tunnel, the sooner the better.
Damn if it's not one thing it's another. Trying to balance life and deal with things that are not under my control. Teetering on losing everything. Just so tired of fighting to stay alive when life is determined to kill me. Life is such an asshole! If life was an actual person, he'd be a bully, a BIG one! I wish life WAS a person, then maybe I'd have more of a chance. But right now? Nope not a one.
Been having problems financially, thanks to being on disability and also because my roommate, who happens to be my daughter, has borrowed money that she can't pay back right now.....well right now happens to be rent time. So I couldn't pay it, I had 5 days to pay it and had hoped that I could squeeze one or two more days and then get the money in there by the time the check cleared the bank. Ya see I had to re-up my disability and there were time delays, some my fault, and some because I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor in time. Well I got the paperwork over to my other doctor who took care of it right away. The problem is that it threw off my disability payments, so now I get paid on a different day and it has thrown all of my bills off. Rent being one of them. Well tonight I got a notice saying that I had to pay the rent within three days or surrender possession of the residence, ie: my apartment. Well I had planned on paying it, BUT they are telling me I HAVE to give them a cashiers check. Well #1, the 3rd day, Saturday....I MIGHT have my check if I'm lucky....but the credit union is closed on Saturday and they are the only one I would be able to get the cashiers check from. Unless I get a money order, I guess I could do that....IF my check gets here on Saturday...if it doesn't, what the hell am I supposed to do? Lose this little place? Be homeless? Be the typical mental disorder casualty? Great. Actually I know my son would take me in. But with all that he is going through right now, I really don't want to do that to him. Although on the other hand they need the money that my rent could pay them....but that would leave my youngest daughter with no where to go, unless he took her in too.....not sure that he would want to do that. I know his wife doesn't want me to live there and I don't blame her I guess. Truthfully I don't know that I want to live there anyway....
I am on the verge of losing my storage units with all of my stuff....I have a couple of "opposition to lien"sales things to fill out....but they want me to send them back "certified mail". I don't have the money to send them back. I might be able to get the money to send ONE, but both? I'd have to send them in the same envelope, which I know they don't want me to do....but I don't have a choice. Cashiers Checks, Certified Mail....all of these things because I can't pay...I'm on disability that doesn't cover every bill as it is....yet somehow I am supposed to pay extra money just to tell them I can't pay or in the rent case, to pay something that I couldn't pay on time....great! Life is just kicking my ass at the worst possible time. Really. This sucks more than I can say. What I had to kind of chuckle at is the fact that the rent notice that I got says to actually pay a smaller amount, by less than a dollar, of what I usually pay....what is up with that?????
Well anyway, just kinda had to write this as I feel like the world wants me to leave....I was talking to a friend last night (on the internet, I can't talk on the phone) we worked together at the place I'm on disability leave from. She told me a lot of things that lead me to believe something that I've already suspected. I am probably going to get fired soon after getting back. Nothing personal, but it's a big bank and frankly they can be real assholes when it comes to their employees. Especially when the employee is not there, no matter what the reason, no matter how much back-up you may have.....they will find a way. In these economic times, it's pretty easy to get someone to fill your job. But it also bothers the question, "WHY are they always hiring people?".....it is because they are always firing people, most of it is ridiculous no heart type firings OR the employees quit, because they can't take it anymore. It is a bad place to be in.
Right now I find myself crying pretty much every day. My emotions are just under the surface. Which is actually a good thing, because I have been denying my emotions and not showing them for a very long time. The problem is....it makes me very fragile emotionally. That in turn is making my life very tough right now, not to mention the fact that I need to get another job. But it also shows that my therapy is working. Although I have been set back, I am still learning things and making progress. So even with my progress having been set back, it will still progress....
This is the life of the mentally ill. We do our best and even then there are so many things beyond our control. In a better mindset we could probably handle it. But when you are fragile, like I feel right now......it is a very dangerous and precarious place to be. I DO NOT like it, nor do I recommend it. I can only try to keep from totally losing my mind. If I lose it, I am done forever.....So every single day I fight and fight and fight.....and it sucks. I can only hope that there is indeed a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.....
****WARNING**** Video is of one of my favorite shows: Dexter, which airs on Showtime. Beware, the video has a lot of blood, it traces the murder of Dexter's mother when he was a young child.
Video is from YouTube. This song is pretty great for someone like me.... "despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"
This week I had 2 doctors appointments, one with my Psychiatrist and one with my therapist. Both were fruitful for different reasons.
The Psychiatrist, Dr. G, was first, on Monday. I told him about my overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of dread that I had last week and so he gave me Klonipin, which seems like a good choice so far as I haven't had the feeling since I started taking it first thing every morning. It will make my life easier if I don't have to wait for an attack to take a Xanax. I am trying so hard to get my life going and it has been really hard. I was starting to feel very defeated. I confess, I wanted to give up and die. I have been so bored of life and nothing is making me the least bit content. But I haven't given up yet, I can't, I have kids. Having had a father commit suicide I have sworn that I won't no matter what. It is a hard promise to keep sometimes. Dr. H was VERY helpful as always. He questioned if some of these feelings of dread and anxiety may have something to do with my ex-mother-in-laws death and the fact that her family and my ex are trying to contact me. I think it could definitely have something to do with it. I have no desire to see or talk to any of them ever again. The anxiety is just a reminder of all of the pain. When I was talking to Dr. H about my feelings and the fact that I don't have any, and I want to, I began crying when he asked me what I felt at that moment and all I could say was, "All I feel is hurt and pain". He told me that that is the outside layer that we need to get through to get those other feelings out. Everything is buried so deep. I just feel the bad stuff and I want to feel the good stuff. I had almost 2 years of great happiness, self confidence, and love for myself and others. Where did that go???? I want it back, I need it back!!!! I can't live without some joy somewhere.
For someone who never cries, it was a shock to me that tears just started streaming down my face. I think it is a credit to my trust in my therapist. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I know it is cathartic, but it is alien to me these days. When I was a kid, I cried all of the time when my feelings were hurt, same with when I was married. But I have turned to stone because I've been hurt so much. So maybe this is a turning point... I hope so. It is part of the road to healing. It is going to take a long time to heal, none of the damage was done overnight so it won't be cured overnight either.
If you've noticed I added some favorite items from Amazon, I LOVE Amazon. There are some great books to read, some that are relevant to this condition and some just because they are good. The Stieg Larsson trilogy is good because it does address mental illness. The trilogy starts with "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I highly recommend it. I also recommend reading PTSD for Dummies. Any Dummies book I have found to be particularly useful if you have a hard time paying attention or need things explained in a way that makes it very easy to understand. Believe me I have Dummies books for everything from History to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Jewelry Making. So pick one up, the links are on the side bar for Amazon and on this blog. I hope that one day soon I will hear from someone who reads this blog, if anyone. I would be curious to hear about your experiences and if you've had therapy, how has it worked for you?
