Me and my stroke.....

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, last month was extremely crazy! I can't even go through everything that happened. So I will just hit the highlights.

On July 24 I had a stroke. Totally took me by surprise, to say the least.After all, I'm only 49 years old, at least for another week or two. The stress of my life has finally caught up with me.The doctors say that the stroke was caused by stress and high blood pressure. The type of stroke I had is called an ischemic stroke, it occurred deep in side the left part of my basal ganglia. The result was my right side was partially paralyzed. I guess I should tell you all how it happened and what happened. Please take note that the thing that saved me was getting to the hospital within the first 2 to 3 hours. Anyone reading this should pay attention to their bodies, if you feel weird go to the hospital. Better safe than sorry.

What happened was that my daughter and I had just finished eating lunch in the living room. I had put down my glass on the end table and my hand got weak, just as I let go of the glass. I brought my hand in front of me and looked at it, it felt really weird. I started moving my fingers, and then they wouldn't move anymore.I started saying to myself, "something is wrong, this doesn't feel right, I think I'm having a stroke." My 20-year-old daughter asked me if I wanted her to call an ambulance. By that time I felt my right leg, get weak. I told her to call her sister and then to call 911. At that point my speech started to slur. My daughter started to cry. I told her it was going to be okay to go ahead and make the phone calls right now. She was really scared and asked me to stop speaking because it was scaring her. She called her older sister and then called 911. Thankfully, her sister was close by and came right over. My oldest daughter ran to me immediately, crying, and threw her arms around me. I knew she was so scared, both of my daughters were terrified. The look on their faces is not one I am likely to forget anytime soon. My daughter also informed me that my oldest son was freaking out at the news, she said he was hysterically crying. I began to text my stroke status on Facebook, to show my daughter that I was okay and that I could do normal things still. It seemed to make her feel just a little bit better. Then the ambulance got here and started questioning me about my symptoms. The hard part was walking down the stairs, with one leg mostly useless. But we managed to make it down and put me on a stretcher. They got me into the back of the ambulance and then began assessing me for several minutes before we were able to leave. At that point, we jammed out of there and off to the hospital with sirens blazing.

Both of my daughters managed to get there at the same time as the ambulance, even though I told them not to speed. Once I got into the emergency room, things went so fast. They immediately put in an additional IV and the catheter, as well as taking blood samples, then off to get a CAT scan. When we came back, my son, my oldest son came in. The look on his face and the tears coming out of his eyes made me so sad. He was so scared. The look in his eyes was pleading, begging me to be okay. It broke my heart. All the while, I just kept telling him that I was going to be okay that I was going to be okay. And I continued joking around with the ER staff, which made them laugh and made me feel better. Thankfully, a neurologist was in the CAT scan area and heard that a stroke victim had been brought in, so he immediately came downstairs to look at me. After looking at all my test results, he concluded that I was having a stroke. The best course of action he told me, was to administer TPA. He said that when TPA is given within 2 to 3 hours of a stroke it usually has very good results. I really didn't see any other option, of course, so I said, give me the TPA. At that point they began administering TPA, along with some blood pressure lowering medications in my IV. He discussed a few things with me and then they took me up to ICU, where they continue to monitor me. The TPA is a weird type of medication that thins the blood to an extreme degree in order to break up the blood clot in your brain, or in this case, my brain. One of the effects of the drug is that it makes you start bleeding. Any place where you have had a scratch or any place that normally might bleed like your gums. But it does the job that it's supposed to do. After being monitored for a while I was taken up to get an MRI to get an idea of the damage. I have to backtrack here for a minute, I have to say that before getting the MRI I had a roomful of people who worried and who care about me. My friend drove down from where she lives, and even a friend who used to babysit my kids and I haven't seen her for years. She came to be with the kids and to see how I was, she was really worried. Many times we don't realize how many people care about us, until something bad like this happens. My friend told me that her phone had basically blown up with people worried about me and sending messages to me and hugs for me!It was definitely something that I needed! Before the MRI, I was also having an extreme version of restless leg syndrome. It was painful and scary, thankfully, they gave me Ativan in anticipation of the MRI. I'm really glad they did. Because even though I am not claustrophobic, that MRI machine freaked me out! I had to concentrate and breathe, it was really hard. I felt like I was trapped. Panic was tough to keep at bay. 

When the results came in, my neurologist told me that I had had a stroke in my basal ganglia. Thus began my Odyssey, three days in ICU, another two days in regular room, and then off to rehab hospital for another week. The good news is that they thought I was going to be in the rehab hospital for two weeks. But I showed them by working hard to regain as much movement as I could. I didn't want to stay there longer than I had to. Every day I worked hard on my speech, and on my physical therapy, I just wanted to go home. I missed my kids and my dogs. I missed my bed and my couch and my freedom.Of course, they cautioned me about all of the things I may not be able to do, some of it temporary and some of it permanent.

I'm making remarkable progress. My speech is still a little slurred, and I feel tired, tired a lot and tongue-tied. My leg is getting stronger. Although I still lose my balance. The other night. I forgot how to sit down on the floor and just basically dropped on the floor and hit my head. Right now, I don't know what all of the damage is yet. It may take some time to figure it out. I have to be very careful as they told me that I may try to do things that are not safe, not realizing that they are not safe. I have a few bruises on the right side of my body from where I lost my balance and knocked into something but it's not too bad. The weakest part of my body and the part that I need to work really badly is my right hand. It is very weak and uncoordinated. I can't really write, but I do try. It's hard to control my hand and it's painful right now I think there is something else wrong with my arm and my hand. Thankfully, I'm going to physical therapy tomorrow and I'm going to have her take a look at my hand and my arm again. The worse thing right now is that while I've been out with a stroke my finances have gone to hell in a handbasket, and nothing is getting worked out. Nobody is giving me any breaks at all and they keep messing up all of my stuff. So I have no money coming in, when it's supposed to be coming in and bills are backed up to it outrageous amount. I'm worried about losing my apartment right now. It's going to take a while to straighten everything out. I just hope I can do it pretty soon. My daughter is going to try to help me tomorrow in making some more phone calls, trying to straighten everything out. What an awful mess. To top it off, my son drove my car the other night without a license, and it was impounded and the police officer talked to me on the phone, but would not help us at all, in fact he was kind of a jerk. My son was pulled over in a sobriety checkpoint. He was not drinking at all. Everything is fine except that he took my car without permission and drove it on a suspended license. I begged and pleaded with the officer, but he wouldn't budge. I told him we had no money at all, but he didn't seem to care. I told him I needed my car to go to physical therapy and to go to doctors appointments and he still didn't care. All he said was that I couldn't drive the car because of my stroke. Duh! So upsetting and stressful. I lost it, I started crying uncontrollably My blood pressure was through the roof, of course. But after reading some of the stuff that I have read, it's understandable that I would cry uncontrollably as it is heightening all of my emotions right now.I'm just trying so hard to stay stress free. Anyway, my son sold his computer today to pay to get my car out of impound. But thank God, I didn't know what I would do. We have zero money right now.... expecting money in the mail, but it's not here yet, so it does me no good. So I have 1 million phone calls to make tomorrow trying to get some help.

Well there you have it. That's what's been happening in my life. I actually wanted to tell you about some great things that happened just before this, but unfortunately, this stroke has eclipsed everything. Not sure how long I'm going to be out of work anywhere from 3 to 6 months depending on how my hand comes along. If I can no longer use my hand to type on the computer, then I'm going to have to be retrained to do something else, I will no longer be able to do my regular job. Thankfully, I have some voice software that translates my speech to typing on the computer.We'll just have to wait and see if I can ever type normally again.

One thing I have to say, my friends rock. My kids rock! I received so many cards from friends who were worried about me and it really cheered me up to get those. I really, really, needed them because my life has changed so much from one little thing that I didn't see coming. I didn't really feel like many people gave a damn about me that they just said they did to be nice (I have such awesome self-esteem, I know. lol), but to receive these cards showed me that they really do care, and it meant everything to me. One friend offered to fly in from back East to take care of me, that was so sweet and so surprising that someone would care enough to fly out to take care of me.

I am indeed blessed to have so many people care about me, and I love them all so much. My life will never be the same again. I have so many things to consider and so many changes to make. It's scary!

I'm going to leave you with a few warning signs about strokes. I hope you never have to experience this for yourself.I love you all!

Confusion and awareness...time to act......

Not sure where to start. I know I'm forgetting something, some things, plural, I'm sure. But the one thing that has been weighing on my mind is something that I was hoping would resolve itself. I have tried for a long time to push this towards a resolution but it has never been successful. 

  What am I talking about? My son's mental illness. It became painfully clear to me the day before yesterday that my youngest son, who is 22, is truly disturbed. I am not sure what sort of mental illness he has, but I know he has one. He has been seeing a doctor for medication for his depression and that has helped. But what is wrong with him is so much more. 

  When he was in high school and got sent to the "continuation" high school, he DID see the school psychologist. He had her snowed, but good. He has admitted it to me. I knew something was wrong based on an appointment I had with her and the things she was saying were just not right. But she wanted to believe him and I understood that, he is VERY convincing and charming and manipulative. I should know, he's lived with me his whole life. I had wanted to send him to see someone else, at first he had agreed, and then later he said "no". I am not sure what to do. Can a therapist REALLY see through him? I seriously have my doubts after the school psychologist. Not to mention the fact that so many people believe what he says. Of course this all brings me back to my contribution to his illness. I mean, my mother had mental illness, I have it, my oldest daughter is bi-polar and my oldest son also struggles with depression. My dad committed suicide, my paternal grandfather was a sadistic monster and my maternal grandmother was emotionally withholding. 

  I've thought a lot about how my son and I are alike and I realize that although we had some of the same behavior, I grew out of mine around the time I was a teenager. I also realized that we had different reasons for what we have in common. Confused yet? OK, this is HARD to admit, truly....but when I was younger I invented things....a version of lying to be sure. Not often, but I did. When I was a kid and some of the other kids were teasing me because my mom was fat, I told them that she was pregnant. She wasn't of course. I created a fake boyfriend when I was 12, mainly so that my parents would think I was more social. Stupid, I know. Also I wanted my friends to think I had one.  Funny, because I did have one for awhile before that. Maybe I wanted to continue to be special? I was the only one with a boyfriend, fake or real. I also think I really wanted one again, although a "boyfriend" at that age in THOSE days was totally different than the young girls who have boyfriends these days. I didn't make the boyfriend thing elaborate, just stated it as a fact and that was that. So I understand wanting some attention or wanting to feel special. I think that was why I did it. But as I said, I grew out of it. 


  My son on the other hand has created things that are awful! The first time that I KNEW he did was sometime in high school when his friends' mother asked me one day how my son was doing. I was like "fine". But the look of concern was evident on her face. She then proceeded to explain that my son had told her that he had cancer. Which he did not. I confronted him about it and he used something our doctor had said to him as a basis for this "cancer". Why I don't know...I was just shocked that he would do something like this. But then I knew someone who did something like this when I was in high school....I was with my friends outside a funeral home where we had just attended a mutual friends rosary, it was a few days after she had died up the street from me. She had been hit by a semi-truck while riding her bike. Anyway, we were all crying and upset and then this other "friend" of ours decided to let us know that she was "dying". She said that she was very ill and was going to die. Now of course we were devastated. This was such an awful thing to hear. We were so sad but we were very supportive and everything to her.....then later she started withdrawing from us. Turns our she had lied, she was not dying. She left school not long after it became pretty apparent that she had some serious issues. So I KNOW what it is like to hear something like this from a friend. I have no idea what got into my son, but I had hoped that it was a one time thing.


  Well I was wrong, a few years after that I had encouraged my son to go to county mental health services to see someone, we didn't have medical insurance at the time. Well one day he sat in my living room with his girlfriend at the time and told me that he had multiple personality disorder. Now, I am very familiar with the term, which is not used anymore, so that tipped me off first. The stuff he was saying was just so off the wall. I knew he was lying, I just knew it. Not to mention the fact that he never went back and I'm sorry you cannot be diagnosed with something that serious in one or even two sessions with a psychiatrist. 


  Then a couple of days ago I read something on a social networking site that he posted, so that his friends would read it and give him all of the attention that he craves. He and I had just had a fight, something tells me that fights (whether with me or others that he cares about) trigger these delusions. I am not even sure what to call them. What he said was a SERIOUS accusation, one that I KNOW is not true. Had it been true I would have known it a long time ago, trust me on that one. The pattern is there.


  So I sat here and just kept thinking about this and wondering, is this genetic? Did I pass this down to him? Another mental illness in that family? THEN it dawned on me as I started to write this that his own father had done the same thing as an adult. I remember reading a letter that he wrote that was a TOTAL lie. It was to his girlfriend, we were no longer together, anyway he was telling her stories that were not true about his time in the service. About how he got shot and had to fly back to the states (we were living overseas together so I know the stories to be false) and was a spy. WTF??!!!! I was like, WTF are you trying to do here?! Then I recalled the same type of bullshit from him when we were together, although not as creative. Trying to get someone (me or in this case his girlfriend) to feel sorry for you, not fight with you, give you attention. My ex did that with me when we were together, but only a couple of times, he really did that a lot after we were no longer together. He became really delusional and I remember thinking that he TRULY believes what he is saying. I am not so sure about my son, if he believes it or not. But I do know that he needs some SERIOUS help!


  So when I go to see my therapist I will discuss it with him and get his take on it. Not to mention that I need to find a therapist for my son and hope he will go. I will be looking for a male therapist and hopefully mine can recommend one to me for him. I don't even know if he can be helped. It is just shocking to me, I don't know if I was too involved with my own depression to realize just how serious this was or what. That is something I am going to have to live with I guess. 


So much more to talk about but this has really worn me out....So until next time......

Me and Depression are about to have a showdown!

Hey kids, I'm Back! I know it's been a looooong time! Well finding the time and the energy to write since I went back to work has been tough. A LOT has happened in the 6 months I've been gone.....I am not even sure where to begin and god knows that I don't want this to be an extremely long blog either. So I guess I will give y'all the highlights.....

 

1) Went back to work in January, got re-trained so that was nice to ease in and not be on the phones right away.....(I'll write more about this later)

2) Remember the ex-fiance who came to visit me in September? After declaring undying love, etc....well he remarried his last ex-wife within 6 months of that visit. Nice huh? Sure made me feel like I didn't matter, he could have married anyone.....sad to feel as though I wasn't as special as he led me to believe. Oh well, life goes on and obviously proved to me that I made the right choice in not marrying him in the first place.

 

3) Found out some interesting things about one of my kids, sorry that I can't share....but let's just say that I was shocked but at the same time hurt that it took so long for my kid to tell me.

3) Have permanent houseguests. Thankfully they are helping with the rent now. 

 

4) Still having money issues, surprise. But then again I had a lot of catching up to do and I now have a car payment, traded in my SUV for a smaller car. So that is nice.

 

5) Gave my youngest son who is living with me an ultimatum. Get your diploma and get a job by November or he's gonna have to join the military or something. I am planning on moving at the beginning of the year so something has to change, I can't afford to support so many people mostly by myself. Everyone pays a portion of the rent, but I pay for everything else. Thankfully the friends of my son's who live here get their own groceries so I don't have to worry about that.

5) Found out that one of the girls in my re-training class took off for about the same amount of time that I did and for the same reasons almost. We even have the same psychiatrist so that was really interesting. We have gotten together a few times to talk about everything, we both have the same issues about the calls and disability and everything like that.

 

So I think that covers a lot. Not everything I'm sure, in fact I know it doesn't......had some deaths in the family as well and took too much time off from work so I am on my final written notice, next time I call in I will get fired. Nice, huh? But here is an even funnier thing. I was #1 on my team and got an award for it a couple of months ago. I am still a high performer at my job. I take a Klonopin every day before I start. I am always on time and I do a very good job while I'm there. They've changed a lot of things there and some are good and some, not so good. But thankfully I am on a great team and my manager has helped me a lot. He is a great guy and doesn't put any pressure on us and yet all of us perform very well. If they try to take me off of his team I will fight it. I've made a couple of new friends on the team as well, we are the same ages and get a long great. We are a lot alike in many ways. So that has been positive. Like I said in my last post those many months ago, I am trying to focus on the positive in my life. It is hard sometimes. I am thankful to still be seeing the same therapist. He and my psychiatrist are both EXTREMELY surprised that I have been doing as well as I have. But some of it is falling apart because of my inability to go to work the way I need to. My manager tried to help me by letting me know that I could apply for FMLA leave to where I would get a couple of days off a month without issue. Unfortunately, although my doctor filled everything out I was not able to get it because I was out for so long that I have to build up my hours. So it will probably be January or February before I can get enough hours to do that. I just hope I can last.

I made sure to schedule my vacation days so that I get a 4 day weekend around every other month. So that is a good thing I think. It helps. I am going to have to have a showdown with my depression and fight the hell out of it to keep me at work every day. I NEED to keep this job and right now it is almost impossible to do if I can't get it together. I mean, I literally fight with myself every day almost about going to work. It is really bad. Then the way they have it there, you might as well call in sick for a week than just one day, it all counts the same against you. So they make it really hard to go back.  So anyway, we will see....I HAVE to go!!!! 

 

In a few weeks I will meet up with my girls for a concert up north. I have friends coming from out of town and out of state., I can't wait to see them. I am really embarrassed because I have gained about 50 pounds at least since I saw them last. But I am trying to not let that interfere with having a good time. I plan on forgetting that and just enjoying myself. It is sad, they want me to come up the day before the show but I can't because of work so I am basically going to only see them for the day and then come back home the next day. I hopefully will be able to pack a hell of a lot of fun into that small amount of time. Trying to get the money together to go is hard enough, but at least I already paid for my ticket and we have front row center seats! I haven't seen the guys in the band for like 2 years so that will be cool as well. They haven't seen me in forever so they probably won't even know who I am, especially since I've gained so much weight! But I am going to just be me and have fun!!!! I need it and I deserve it. So depression, we are going to have a showdown at high noon and you will LOSE!!!!! 

 

Oh yeah and in case anyone is interested.....I am working on a book, so many different ideas in my head.....at least I have ideas right? It is hard to find the time to write, it truly is.....but I am determined to so this!!!! See ya next time....and I promise I won't wait near as long this time.....

Back in the saddle again.

So begins another year. One that I hope will yield a much better outcome than its predecessor. Last year frankly sucked. This year so far is not living up to it's hype, but it is early yet so I will save my judgment for later. 

I am finally returning to work after an 11 month hiatus. I had hoped to accomplish much more than I did, but unfortunately things were out of my control so I will have to make the best of it. I also need to focus on the positive like the fact that I found a great therapist. I wish I had found him sooner, but better late than never. I must admit that I am really stressing the fact that due to my current work/training schedule I will not be able to see him for over a month. This is a critical time for me, I wish I could find a way. But at the same time it will be more critical AFTER the training is over so I will focus on that. See, I really am trying to focus on the positive. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow, I haven't seen him for a month due to my car breaking down. So much to tell him and not enough time to do it in. Which brings me to.....


I found some old letters I had written to my ex-fiance. Letters that I didn't give him, but wrote as I tend to do. It was very emotional reading for me as it brought me back to my rape, as well as other things that happened, that I was relating to him. The good part about this was that I gave him not only the blow by blow but what was said word for word. I know that must sound terrible. In many ways it really is. But I plan on writing a book and to have this information is critical as it is one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me and as such I tended to not think of it and to try and forget it, thus the details have been fuzzy. This helps. But yes it also brought me back to a horrible event and forced me to relive it. Even today I am having a hard time with it, my mind is desperate to push the thoughts and feelings away. It hurts so much and I am afraid that the rage will overpower everything. But it needs to be dealt with, finally. So when I go to see my therapist tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. Not all of which can be done to say the least, especially in such a short time period. But it is a start. Better to at least start then to leave it hanging. To leave it hanging will probably cause me to deal the way I usually deal, which means put it back where it was and run away.

So positivity starts now. I have determined that I am going to find a way to love my job, to focus on the positive things about it. To rebuild my life, the therapy will help with that. I am sad that I won't be back on my medication before returning to work, but I have to accept that not everything is going to work out on the timetable that I have. Eventually I WILL be back on my meds and eventually my car will get fixed and eventually, god willing, I will love my job. And most importantly.....eventually I will have my life back and I will love it!