Back in the saddle again.

So begins another year. One that I hope will yield a much better outcome than its predecessor. Last year frankly sucked. This year so far is not living up to it's hype, but it is early yet so I will save my judgment for later. 

I am finally returning to work after an 11 month hiatus. I had hoped to accomplish much more than I did, but unfortunately things were out of my control so I will have to make the best of it. I also need to focus on the positive like the fact that I found a great therapist. I wish I had found him sooner, but better late than never. I must admit that I am really stressing the fact that due to my current work/training schedule I will not be able to see him for over a month. This is a critical time for me, I wish I could find a way. But at the same time it will be more critical AFTER the training is over so I will focus on that. See, I really am trying to focus on the positive. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow, I haven't seen him for a month due to my car breaking down. So much to tell him and not enough time to do it in. Which brings me to.....


I found some old letters I had written to my ex-fiance. Letters that I didn't give him, but wrote as I tend to do. It was very emotional reading for me as it brought me back to my rape, as well as other things that happened, that I was relating to him. The good part about this was that I gave him not only the blow by blow but what was said word for word. I know that must sound terrible. In many ways it really is. But I plan on writing a book and to have this information is critical as it is one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me and as such I tended to not think of it and to try and forget it, thus the details have been fuzzy. This helps. But yes it also brought me back to a horrible event and forced me to relive it. Even today I am having a hard time with it, my mind is desperate to push the thoughts and feelings away. It hurts so much and I am afraid that the rage will overpower everything. But it needs to be dealt with, finally. So when I go to see my therapist tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. Not all of which can be done to say the least, especially in such a short time period. But it is a start. Better to at least start then to leave it hanging. To leave it hanging will probably cause me to deal the way I usually deal, which means put it back where it was and run away.

So positivity starts now. I have determined that I am going to find a way to love my job, to focus on the positive things about it. To rebuild my life, the therapy will help with that. I am sad that I won't be back on my medication before returning to work, but I have to accept that not everything is going to work out on the timetable that I have. Eventually I WILL be back on my meds and eventually my car will get fixed and eventually, god willing, I will love my job. And most importantly.....eventually I will have my life back and I will love it!