I wish other people understood what it was like to have PTSD!

Right now I am a cross between angry, sad, and disappointed. My youngest son, he's 21, and I just got into a huge fight. We are going to be short on the rent this month. Nothing I can do about it. I have to renew my disability so I got $30.00 less on this check and my son borrowed a good amount of money and apparently there is a problem with some of the things he charged on my card. He, or should I say I, was charged twice for a couple of things. So although he is going to pay me what he says he owes we are still going to be short, shorter than I thought we would be. I originally thought we were going to be around $5-$10 short....well now it's more like $50. The bank will pay the check I'm sure. But it is stressful, especially since my son thinks his unemployment is about to run out. Unfortunately I am doing the best I can to pay bills, of course, they will all cost me more now because I will overdraw my account several times over. 

  If that isn't bad enough my son decides that my daughter needs to give me back my car so I can go back to work. I had to tell him again that that is not why I'm not working. I told him that I actually CAN'T go to work. Then he starts yelling about how hard it was when he was working and everyone was getting on his case and how I was telling him that he was going to lose his job if he kept calling in sick. Oh yeah, did I mention that my son has never been able to hold a job for more than about 6-8 months. He said that I didn't care that he was having a hard time. His hard time was people getting on his case at work. I told him that he doesn't understand that THIS isn't like that. My PTSD is not the same as a usual depression. He doesn't understand. I wish he did, I wish everyone did. It's not his fault, but it's frustrating. My therapist says that this disability is not one you can see, like a limp so it is hard for people to understand that the injury is inside and doesn't show on the outside.

  People think that if you are disabled then you shouldn't be able to walk or function at all. Well PTSD is different. You can function in certain areas, sometimes for a while. But that doesn't mean that it's easy. My son has no idea the trauma that I've been through. I'm certainly not wanting to sit him down and tell him all of the horrible things that his dad did to me to bring me to this point. He doesn't understand at all what was inflicted on me by his father, not to mention other traumas before and after I was married to him. Then I get to listen to my son yelling at me and threatening not to give me any of the money he owes me so that he can find a place to live. Because where he's living in literally HELL to him??????!!!!!!!( We live in a nice apartment by the way so this is about living with me and his sister) That boy has no clue what it is like to live in hell. His father left the house when my son was 3, he doesn't know what it was like living with his dad, the older kids know more as they received their own unfair share of abuse. Not to mention that none of the kids know everything that was done to me at their dad's hands. I mean truly you don't sit down and tell your kids these things. Talk about hurting them. So instead I get to be berated by my own child for being paralyzed from working at the job that I currently have because it triggers panic attacks that he's never seen me have. To almost faint, tremble, alternate between being flushed to having all of the color drain from my face. To feel like I'm going to die. Seriously, he's never seen this, he's never seen me at my job. His sister and brother saw me at the concert where I freaked out....whether my oldest son realized what was going on I don't know. I know that those who saw me were quite surprised to see a side of me that they had never seen before. One that I don't want to ever show again. My oldest daughter knows exactly what it is like to work at the job I have, because she also works where I work and she loathes it. The stress is more than anyone should be subjected to at a job. Truly.

I told my son, as he slammed out the door, that he doesn't even realize what I do for him. He's living in my place, he has nowhere to go. I didn't even charge him rent for quite awhile and he's 21. I just started charging him recently. He doesn't think he should have to pay as much because he sleeps on the sofa many of the nights unless his sister is gone and then he sleeps in her bed. She's gone a lot because her job is far away so it's easier for her. If either of them were actually out on their own, paying a roommate, they'd be splitting all of the bills three ways. Which what they pay me is no where close to 1/3 of the rent, not to mention the other bills and food. He doesn't even get that. I don't think he has ever appreciated anything that I've ever done for him. He just makes me feel like I'm a bad mom to him, that I don't understand what he's going through. Trust me I've tried and tried. There is only so much I can do to help. I am not going to go out and find him a job. I have recommended jobs to him but there is always an excuse as to why he can go to an interview or to even apply. I bought him nice clothes, he either gave them away to his friends and didn't get them back or he lost them. I can't afford to help him anymore. Soon I am going to have to make the tough choice and put him out I think. I mean his life here is SO terrible, according to him. I can imagine how many people would be grateful to have a roof over their head, a computer to use, DVD's to watch, and food in their bellies. But my son....oh it's hell. I know he's depressed and I'm sorry for that. I would be depressed too if I were him, but I also know that much of this is a byproduct of his own actions. I can't seem to get this through his head and since he has NO common sense he's not going to find out on his own.  It's a mess. 

  The way my son just talked to me hurt me so badly. He truly has no clue what I am going through. It's like "Oh mom just doesn't want to go to work".....I have worked for most of my life, I've held 2 jobs, more than once. It hurts me so badly that those closest to me don't understand what I feel or even give me the benefit of the doubt, which honestly....almost re-traumatizes me.