Yesterday, oh yesterday...what a waste of my time and then some! So frustrating! Frustration is something I really don't need right now. Yesterday was the day I went to see the "county" doctor to get my medication, finally. I've waited for months just to get this appointment. This is medication that I have been lacking, but needing, for many more months now. Once in the office the doctor asked me the usual background questions but first she had them take my blood pressure. It was pretty high even for me. But hey, it's been that way before. She decided that we should talk some more before taking it again. So we went over my meds history and mental health history. One thing she said is that I am not a typical mental health sufferer. Most people with my disorder smoke, do drugs, or drink regularly. She said people who suffer from PTSD usually use one of the above to deal with the anxiety, etc, that occur with this disorder. Another thing that came to light was me going back to work. She immediately said, "NO! There is no way that you can go back to work like this!". Then she pretty much berated my therapist for agreeing to OK me to go back to work. But like I told her he doesn't think I should go back but he is also practical and knows that I need to make a living, I can't keep living on disability....it is causing me more stress in this particular case. At least with my job I can get my medical insurance back and get my medication etc. Well this doctor told me that a) I should be on Social Security Disability (apparently she didn't realize that it is not that easy and takes a LONG time to get) b) I should get "cash aid" until it kicks in. HOW out of touch can one person be? Especially one who is giving this kind of advice. First of all as I stated SS Disability takes many months to get IF you can get it. It would pay less than $20 a month more than I am getting right now, which isn't much as it is. Second of all if you own any property at all (in my case my car) you can't get cash aid. You can't have ANY income either of course. No guarantees that I would even get it. I am not even going to attempt it as the last thing I need is to be worse off than I already am. This stress could literally kill me which brings me to my next issue.
My blood pressure....well it was taken 3 times while I was there and each time is was well over what it should be. It ranged from 179-182 over 97-100. It's not like it hasn't been that high before, it has, although rarely. Usually never when I am on my blood pressure medication. The doctor got real serious and said she wanted me to go to the hospital. WHAT? She not only wanted me to go but she wanted an ambulance to take me. She said I would get in faster, that they could give me an IV with medicine to bring my pressure down. She said she was afraid I was going to "stroke out". I said I couldn't afford an ambulance and she said "don't worry, just don't pay for it...no one else does". WTF? By then she just had me kinda freaked out. I mean I knew the pressure was bad, I hadn't had BP that high in a really long time, I take medication for high blood pressure so for it to be that high while on medication is a bad thing. I know that. Of course she wouldn't give me ANY of my medications that I came in there for because of the BP readings. So she said to go to the hospital and once they cleared me I could go back to her the next day (today) and they would TRY to work me in. No guarantees. So I was supposed to take an ambulance (that I can't afford) to the hospital (which I also can't afford) to get the OK to come back to MAYBE see the doctor and MAYBE get medication that I need. OK so I bit, let the ambulance take me to the hospital (yes, she scared me into it)......where I proceeded to wait for almost 5 hours without having my vitals checked again. I figured if I was going to "stroke out" I would have already done it by that time. Upon looking at stroke information I also saw that medication has to be given within the first 4-1/2 hours of a stroke to help. So I was past that point when I decided to leave the hospital. There was a man there with chest pains who told them that he was having trouble breathing and he still was waiting when I left. There were so many people there and by law they are supposed to re-check your vitals after 4 hours. So when I wasn't re-checked, even when I verified that fact with them and was assured that I would be checked, I didn't see the point in remaining. What a waste of time and then some.
So here I am STILL with no medication and stressed even more now. Between finances, my car that still doesn't work, and going back to work I am beyond stressed and unable to do a damn thing about it. I am trying so hard to keep things together and be calm. I cannot help the sense of panic I feel, I'm not sleeping much and I have no more meds to help with that....so yay! I am not in a good way, but I am still trying.
I don't know how any of this is going to play out. I am really worried and trying not to dwell on it. So many things are out of my control. I have tried to do things the right way. I tried to do things the "county" free way. But so far nothing is panning out and I am still without help. I truly feel for those who are in worse shape than I am. This experience has truly given me a sorry glimpse into how others are having to deal or not deal with all of this stuff. Mental health issues are still a little on the taboo side and without help or an inner strength (like I apparently have) I can certainly understand why so many people give up or go completely crazy. It is easy to do when you have no hope. I feel that right now. At least I have a small life preserver even if it attached to a job that I hate and is bad for me....at least there is something there that I can try to work with. So many others don't have that. It really makes you appreciate what you have, even if it isn't always what you want.
Went to Dr. H yesterday and spent most of the session crying like a damn baby. But I know it's a good thing, at least that's what he tells me.
Right when I came in for my session he could tell from looking at me that I wasn't doing well. I told him that I feel like such a failure right now not being able to provide for my family. I've never not been able to do that before. The nicest thing happened today when I told my youngest son this while we were at the grocery store where I had $15 to spend. My son said "Mom, stop it, your providing for us right now". So I guess even though I feel so useless, my son seemed to think that I did OK today. I really needed to hear that.
The biggest tears were when I told my doctor that I am still dreaming of my ex-husband. I starting crying, "Why? Why won't he leave me alone!". The hurt and pain makes me want to cry right now. The trauma is still there, still fresh. In fact it seems fresher than it's been in a long time. I don't understand it because I have been divorced for longer than I was married. Dr. H says that it is because I am digging in deep to do the work that I need to do. He likened it to an untreated infection that left untreated continues to fester, when you start to treat it you have to dig in and get all of the bad stuff out before you can get better. Getting the bad stuff out is very painful and is what I'm experiencing right now. I asked him if I will ever feel OK again. He said that it is going to take a long time, but I'm doing the work and it sounds as though it is going to get worse before it gets better. Right now I have suicidal idiations and that sucks more than you know given my history. But as my doctor and I discussed I won't do anything. I don't want to put my kids through what my dad's suicide did to me. We talked about hospitalization where I can get my medication settled. He is also going to talk to Dr. G and see if we can do anything with my meds.
The last thing I want is to be in a hospital. I've never been in a Psychiatric hospital before but I know many people close to me who have been. Nothing wrong with it, but I want to keep fighting as long as I can. My doctors have both made me promise to call if things get too bad. Dr. H also gave me a goal between yesterday and tomorrow and I have already completed it, so that is a positive step. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to do a short phone session. He wants to see me twice a week for awhile but I told him that I am having a hard enough time coming once a week due to transportation problems so I will just have to do the best I can.
I hate feeling like this and not knowing when I am going to get better. Although as Dr. H has told me, I have made progress. Just crying like my heart is breaking is a good sign. I just hate hurting. He did ask me what is one of the things that bothered me most about my marriage and I told him the fact that I had been so naive and was duped into thinking he was someone that he wasn't. He told me that when we look at other people, we see ourselves in them and that is why it is hard to believe that someone close to us could be so cruel or awful, because we wouldn't do the things that they do. It throws us for a loop. Charm is a big deal with my ex and you add that to my idealization of him as a person and it is understandable. He did things that I could never imagine someone doing to someone that they love which is what made the abuse and the trauma that much worse. I truly hope that I can get through the week. I guess it is like they say, one day at a time. Trying to be strong is so hard because I have been so strong for so long. I think I did it for my kids all of these years and now that they are older it is much harder for me to do. I am tired. It takes every little bit of my energy just to exist right now and I have to dig to do more. Which is what I am doing with my blogs and with eBay. I am digging hard trying to stay alive. But I am determined to get through this somehow. Thankfully I have help and the support of some of my friends. And of course, Tesla. Listening to the sons I like best is helping in its way, so I'll keep listening and I'll keep blogging. Maybe the two together will get me home. :-)
