Went to Dr. H yesterday and spent most of the session crying like a damn baby. But I know it's a good thing, at least that's what he tells me.
Right when I came in for my session he could tell from looking at me that I wasn't doing well. I told him that I feel like such a failure right now not being able to provide for my family. I've never not been able to do that before. The nicest thing happened today when I told my youngest son this while we were at the grocery store where I had $15 to spend. My son said "Mom, stop it, your providing for us right now". So I guess even though I feel so useless, my son seemed to think that I did OK today. I really needed to hear that.
The biggest tears were when I told my doctor that I am still dreaming of my ex-husband. I starting crying, "Why? Why won't he leave me alone!". The hurt and pain makes me want to cry right now. The trauma is still there, still fresh. In fact it seems fresher than it's been in a long time. I don't understand it because I have been divorced for longer than I was married. Dr. H says that it is because I am digging in deep to do the work that I need to do. He likened it to an untreated infection that left untreated continues to fester, when you start to treat it you have to dig in and get all of the bad stuff out before you can get better. Getting the bad stuff out is very painful and is what I'm experiencing right now. I asked him if I will ever feel OK again. He said that it is going to take a long time, but I'm doing the work and it sounds as though it is going to get worse before it gets better. Right now I have suicidal idiations and that sucks more than you know given my history. But as my doctor and I discussed I won't do anything. I don't want to put my kids through what my dad's suicide did to me. We talked about hospitalization where I can get my medication settled. He is also going to talk to Dr. G and see if we can do anything with my meds.
The last thing I want is to be in a hospital. I've never been in a Psychiatric hospital before but I know many people close to me who have been. Nothing wrong with it, but I want to keep fighting as long as I can. My doctors have both made me promise to call if things get too bad. Dr. H also gave me a goal between yesterday and tomorrow and I have already completed it, so that is a positive step. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to do a short phone session. He wants to see me twice a week for awhile but I told him that I am having a hard enough time coming once a week due to transportation problems so I will just have to do the best I can.
I hate feeling like this and not knowing when I am going to get better. Although as Dr. H has told me, I have made progress. Just crying like my heart is breaking is a good sign. I just hate hurting. He did ask me what is one of the things that bothered me most about my marriage and I told him the fact that I had been so naive and was duped into thinking he was someone that he wasn't. He told me that when we look at other people, we see ourselves in them and that is why it is hard to believe that someone close to us could be so cruel or awful, because we wouldn't do the things that they do. It throws us for a loop. Charm is a big deal with my ex and you add that to my idealization of him as a person and it is understandable. He did things that I could never imagine someone doing to someone that they love which is what made the abuse and the trauma that much worse. I truly hope that I can get through the week. I guess it is like they say, one day at a time. Trying to be strong is so hard because I have been so strong for so long. I think I did it for my kids all of these years and now that they are older it is much harder for me to do. I am tired. It takes every little bit of my energy just to exist right now and I have to dig to do more. Which is what I am doing with my blogs and with eBay. I am digging hard trying to stay alive. But I am determined to get through this somehow. Thankfully I have help and the support of some of my friends. And of course, Tesla. Listening to the sons I like best is helping in its way, so I'll keep listening and I'll keep blogging. Maybe the two together will get me home. :-)
Today was one of those days where I didn't want to wake up. I knew I had lots to do and after the stress of my kids fighting last night....well I wasn't anxious to get up. Next to my bed I keep my cell phone and noticed that the red button was flashing, which means I had an e-mail. I opened my e-mails to see that a dear friend of mine had purchased some of the items I had for sale on eBay. I alternated between being really happy and really embarrassed. At this time we were pretty much completely out of food which caused my son to be particularly grouchy. In the end I was so grateful. I wasn't sure what we were going to do. Although the "losing weight because we have no money for food" diet is effective, it is not good for ones brain nor for your body. I know that she will enjoy the items that she purchased, so that makes me feel better. I know that we are all in bad shape in this country, in my case some of my friends have really stepped up to the plate and helped me, each in their own way. Another dear friend came from out of town and took me and another friend out to dinner the other night, which was great. I was in need of food, but I was also in need of companionship and needed to see the outside of my apartment. I had a very pleasant time and that is something that I don't have much of these days. It was so good to see them both.
Today my friends were really supportive and stroked my ego on Facebook and even here on my blog. Something else I needed. Right now I have no ego. I don't feel OK most of the time, sometimes I don't feel worthy of my friends and my life. It is a bad place to be. Even though my children are grown, I still have 2 of them living with me and I feel like a failure when I can't pay what needs to be paid, but especially when I can't afford to buy any food for them. So it was truly a blessing to have my friends building me up today.
For most of my life I didn't have many friends. I think I pretty much made it that way. I could only handle a couple at a time. Being an only child probably made it easier I guess. I just didn't go out looking for friends. But several years ago something happened........
I was ready to put a bullet in my head, I was NOT in a good place. Then one night, I went to a concert with my oldest son. One of the guys in the band I had gone to high school with and I was particularly interested in how he was doing since I knew he had some serious drug problems and had just gone through rehab again. Well, the band knocked my socks off. For once I actually was listening closer to what they were singing. When I went home I ordered their new CD and was able to also hear it online. I joined their website, which I had never done before. I lurked in their forum section for awhile and finally took the plunge and started posting. First it was a little, and I was nervous, but everyone for the most part seemed really nice. Next thing you know I was talking to everyone and having the best time. The highlights of my days became this message board. Finally I traveled with my daughter to a show out of town and met people from the board, one who eventually became my best friend. I gained a confidence that I had never had before. I just decided, fuck it, I'm going to put myself out there and see what happens. Most of the people seemed so much like me.
Soon I was traveling out of town and out of state to see and hang with the band. But more importantly, to hook up with all of these new friends. Some of them I count as my very best friends to this day. Even though I don't really get to see them much anymore. Life has gotten in the way and my PTSD, after getting this job, has reared it's very ugly head and made me hide away again. I want to be the person I was a few years ago. That is when I am at my happiest and that is who I truly am. Right now I feel like a failure, like I am only existing in this shell. I need to get ME back.
I listened to some of the band's music today, many of us were posting videos of the band to enjoy and it just reminded me of how much I love them and how the music makes me feel so much better about everything. I need to go back to listening to them again. I want to be happy again and maybe this will help. Try it yourself and see how you feel.....
