Cry Me an Ocean.....

Went to Dr. H yesterday and spent most of the session crying like a damn baby. But I know it's a good thing, at least that's what he tells me.

Right when I came in for my session he could tell from looking at me that I wasn't doing well. I told him that I feel like such a failure right now not being able to provide for my family. I've never not been able to do that before. The nicest thing happened today when I told my youngest son this while we were at the grocery store where I had $15 to spend. My son said "Mom, stop it, your providing for us right now". So I guess even though I feel so useless, my son seemed to think that I did OK today. I really needed to hear that.

The biggest tears were when I told my doctor that I am still dreaming of my ex-husband. I starting crying, "Why? Why won't he leave me alone!". The hurt and pain makes me want to cry right now. The trauma is still there, still fresh. In fact it seems fresher than it's been in a long time. I don't understand it because I have been divorced for longer than I was married. Dr. H says that it is because I am digging in deep to do the work that I need to do. He likened it to an untreated infection that left untreated continues to fester, when you start to treat it you have to dig in and get all of the bad stuff out before you can get better. Getting the bad stuff out is very painful and is what I'm experiencing right now. I asked him if I will ever feel OK again. He said that it is going to take a long time, but I'm doing the work and it sounds as though it is going to get worse before it gets better. Right now I have suicidal idiations and that sucks more than you know given my history. But as my doctor and I discussed I won't do anything. I don't want to put my kids through what my dad's suicide did to me. We talked about hospitalization where I can get my medication settled. He is also going to talk to Dr. G and see if we can do anything with my meds. 

The last thing I want is to be in a hospital. I've never been in a Psychiatric hospital before but I know many people close to me who have been. Nothing wrong with it, but I want to keep fighting as long as I can. My doctors have both made me promise to call if things get too bad. Dr. H also gave me a goal between yesterday and tomorrow and I have already completed it, so that is a positive step. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to do a short phone session. He wants to see me twice a week for awhile but I told him that I am having a hard enough time coming once a week due to transportation problems so I will just have to do the best I can. 

I hate feeling like this and not knowing when I am going to get better. Although as Dr. H has told me, I have made progress. Just crying like my heart is breaking is a good sign. I just hate hurting. He did ask me what is one of the things that bothered me most about my marriage and I told him the fact that I had been so naive and was duped into thinking he was someone that he wasn't. He told me that when we look at other people, we see ourselves in them and that is why it is hard to believe that someone close to us could be so cruel or awful, because we wouldn't do the things that they do. It throws us for a loop. Charm is a big deal with my ex and you add that to my idealization of him as a person and it is understandable. He did things that I could never imagine someone doing to someone that they love which is what made the abuse and the trauma that much worse. 

I truly hope that I can get through the week. I guess it is like they say, one day at a time. Trying to be strong is so hard because I have been so strong for so long. I think I did it for my kids all of these years and now that they are older it is much harder for me to do. I am tired. It takes every little bit of my energy just to exist right now and I have to dig to do more. Which is what I am doing with my blogs and with eBay. I am digging hard trying to stay alive. But I am determined to get through this somehow. Thankfully I have help and the support of some of my friends. And of course, Tesla. Listening to the sons I like best is helping in its way, so I'll keep listening and I'll keep blogging. Maybe the two together will get me home. :-)