Yes, I know....it's been a long time my friends...lots going on in my life and yet not a damn thing going on. I was ill for a bit and now I'm back. So, does anyone remember this book of which I named this blog entry and posted a picture of the cover? When I was a kid growing up in the 60's I remember ordering this little book through the Scholastic Book Club at school. It was a quaint little book that was so simple in it's time. Just pictures of things that make kids happy. All of them started as "Happiness is....". Of course Happiness is sleeping in your own bed is a personal favorite. But the warm puppy is the one that always made me smile. Even as an adult I think I can smile at the sentiment. In my mind all dogs are puppies so even my old dog is still a warm puppy to me.
Happiness when you get older is just not so simple. I wish it were. I mean it is not to say that I don't get joy from a warm puppy. I do. I think my dogs make me happier than anything these days, just by being there with their unconditional love. Or perhaps it's more of their conditional response to the one who takes care of them and feeds them. Either way, I love them and they make me happy. Believe me there is a lot to be said for anything to make me happy anymore. I am working hard through my weekly therapy and the effects are shaking me to the core.
Last week I was talking to Dr. H about some things that were pretty usual in my marriage and he said, "..how did you survive that? Seriously, HOW did you survive that?" And I answered, "I don't know, probably my kids.". They were all that saved me from certain suicide. There were so many times that I wanted to die. I stayed around for them. Someone had to take care of them. If I killed myself they would end up with him and his family and that would not have been good at all. It took me a long time to get out of the relationship and left my two older ones with scars. I wish I had gotten out sooner, but I wish a lot of things and that doesn't get me anywhere. Dr. H assured me that I am a very strong person and I know I've heard this a lot. But you know what is bad about being a strong person? Eventually even being strong gets old and you start to crack like a centuries old building. Eventually, the foundation begins to crumble and everything falls down. I am in that process right now.
I hear it is a good thing to be strong and to feel vulnerable. Both seem on different sides of the coin to me, but I guess they aren't. Last night I found myself sobbing pitifully because someone not only hurt my feelings but then told me that he laughed when I tried to tell him that I am fragile. He, along with others in my life, tell me I am the strongest person they know. They tick through the things I've been through, trust me Dr. H is probably the only one who knows EVERYTHING I've been through if that, and they tell me again how strong I am. Well with that strength comes fragility, no one can be that strong forever. Eventually everything held back in that strength of a dam is going to come falling through. Right now I feel like Humpty Dumpty sitting on that wall waiting for the slightest breeze to blow me over and crack me open. There is a big difference between being strong and being indestructible. I may be strong, but I bleed and I feel and I can die just like everyone else. Remember that next time you see the "strong" person who has been through so much and are so strong. We all have our limits. With my therapy going so well I am actually in more danger of falling than ever before. Every layer that is peeled away makes me more fragile.
One thing that I did learn is that I have to be extra careful these days. It seems that my ex was right, I don't know how to talk to people. I was attacked by someone for something that I said that I thought was a response to a joke and apparently I said it wrong and was skewered for it. It hurt my feelings so badly and then to realize that only men have ever taken me wrong leads me to believe that I will never be able to be in a relationship ever again because I obviously don't know how to talk to men without them taking what I say wrong. I am too old to learn this game anymore. I don't want to. Now of course I can't segregate myself from men unless I join a convent, but then you've got the priests so I'm pretty screwed. But at least I have finally realized it. The reason I know this is because only men have ever said this to me, my female friends never understand how anyone could say that to me. But I have finally figured it out after one too many times of not being understood. So there you have it.
Now, I will leave you with the opposite of Happiness is a Warm Puppy....only because when I was looking for the book, I came upon the song which I hadn't listened to in awhile. Of course with the song comes the video and the speculation of meaning which has more to do with sex and drugs than Happiness of spirit.
I will try not to wait so long to write my next blog.....
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