Sometimes I just wanna give up, fall asleep, never wake-up.

I'm not the only person who feels this way, am I? I feel like every little setback these days means the beginning of the end. Things can be going "OK" and then BOOM one thing happens to set me back, doesn't have to be big...and I feel like I just want to be done with life. Right now I am sure a big part of that is the fact that my medical insurance was canceled so I am not taking my meds on a normal schedule. I am trying to make them last so I am taking my anti-depressants every other day. I will be making an appointment to see one of my doctors in the next week or so, he has to OK me to go back to work. He will, even though he doesn't want me to, because he knows I HAVE to go back, I don't have a choice. I am going to ask him to put me on a 4 day a week schedule to ease me back. Maybe 4 days permanently...but I won't know if I can afford that until I do it and where I work they DON'T like it to be that way. Part-time is less hours, not less days. But there is no point in less hours per day, it only helps them and will kill me even more financially. I wish I could afford to do things a different way but I can't. My son is planning on moving out next month so I can't rely on any financial help from him (for rent or food) anymore and eBay is not going well all of a sudden (not just for me but for many sellers). However I do have a couple of other ideas up my sleeve, just have to find a way to afford them and to do them. It is really hard for people who do not suffer from this to understand that it is like a disconnect between what you know you need to do and what you can do. I feel like I am existing on some weird plane where I am alone...Everything is going on around me but I am barely able to interact. Of course I'm also worried that I am going to have to stop seeing my therapist until I get my insurance back, I'm sure he is not going to see me for free and I can barely afford the co-payment right now. So I may have to forget therapy for a month or so until I get my insurance back, not to mention that there is no telling how long the lag time will be for the insurance. It was such a hassle the first time I got it. I can only do what I can do, but it sucks. 

I was going along so well in therapy and doing better in many ways, starting to dig into things that would make me better and now I may have to quit. Even before I go back I am worried about slipping back into my bad thoughts, hell I haven't seen my therapist in a week and am already feeling like I'm slipping away. This is why therapy is so important to keep me grounded in this critical phase of my treatment. 

This sucks so bad. No happiness, no joy, no sense of things getting better has made me fall into the abyss of hopelessness when I was starting to feel hopeful. DAMMIT!!!! I am so mad at those in my life who traumatized me to this extent!!!! Damn them! Except for my mom whose only contribution to my traumas was to die younger than she should have and I am kinda mad at her for not telling the doctor all of the issues she was having physically. Maybe they could have helped her! She thought she could handle things on her own, that she knew better. I begged her to see the doctor if she was having problems, which I knew she was. Obviously I had no idea at all how serious those problems would turn out to be. I miss her so damn much, I need her. She always made me feel just a little bit better just knowing that she was there and that she loved me no matter what I did. 

Wow this blog just took a weird turn....well maybe that's the way trauma is. Sometimes the focus is on one thing and then it shifts to another trauma. Each trauma has it's own symptoms and feelings associated with it. Some of my trauma is obvious and angry and some of it is sad and regretful. All of them are traumatic in their own individual ways. Some affect me in everyday life and some affect me only sometimes, when triggered by something. What I wouldn't give right now to hold my mom and just cry until I can't cry anymore.

On a good note, I have talked to a couple of people who have read my blog and have found some things in it to be thought-provoking. For that I am really glad. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to write this blog. My condition is making it increasingly difficult for me to write, it can be painful mentally and emotionally. So I am not as consistent as I'd like to be with this. But it makes all of it worth it when someone reads something that resonates with them. I am happy to share, especially when it helps someone to feel as though they are not alone. And also to share what I have learned in therapy. Look it's free!  I hope to be doing better and maybe my therapist and I can find a way to make this happen, who knows. I just hope to hold on. I miss myself. I used to really like me, now I don't even know if I know who I am anymore. I know that I am not a bad person and I know that I have good Karma (even if it doesn't seem that way right now), I don't intentionally hurt anyone. I also know that I am getting older and I am dying and I want to be me again before I die.