I know, it's been awhile...I have been having a hard time writing....hell I've been having a hard time doing anything. Life is just a big bowl of suck right now. By the way, please excuse any typos or words that don't belong....that is a part of what is sucking right now...kinda goes with what seems like a nervous breakdown or something. Not even sure where to begin on this blog, too much has been going on inside my head and around me to even contemplate writing about, unless I want to sit here for a few days extrapolating on all that has gone wrong. Not to mention the fact that I really wanted this blog to be helpful and sometimes I wonder how helpful it is to bitch about my life.
But no matter what, I have to write. I just wish I could be motivated more to do so. So, lets start by saying that life has been hard lately...harder than usual. Too much stress. Without going into details, due to circumstances beyond my control, my rent was late this month. Which culminated in extreme stress as well as a large financial burden. Because I was late I was charged a 10% late fee....so I didn't have money as it was and now I had to find a way to come up with another $76.00+. So I ended up being short, between the late fee and my daughter (who is also my roommate) not being able to come up with all of the money she owed me, we were $120.00 short. First we were $20 short and I was freaking on that...but then my youngest son, who was living out of town, was going to lend it to me. He also was supposed to lend my oldest daughter the 2nd half of the money that she owed me for my TV that she was buying from me, that money was to go to me so that I could make the whole rent and she would pay him back. So he was supposed to give me $120...well his unemployment check didn't come, seems there was a snafu at the unemployment office and so he was going to have to wait for a phone interview. This caused me not to be able to pay $120 and also caused him to have to move back home because he had no money to pay for where he was going to live. So I was facing a major dilemma. I received a "you have 3 days to pay or else surrender the premises" notice, which I have NEVER gotten in my life. The last time I was late on a rent payment was like 20 years ago. So I was freaking out to say the least. Then an angel, by way of a very, very good friend of mine...bought enough stuff in my eBay store to cover what I was lacking. This was the 2nd friend who offered to help me get the money together. One friend offered to give me the money when it was $20, actually she pretty much insisted on it, but then my son had already told me that he had it. Of course all of that fell through and there was no way I would have asked anyone for that kind of money. I was overwhelmed to say the least when my other friend bought the items in my store. It made me cry when I saw what she had done. But because I sold her items I didn't feel like it was a handout. I still felt bad in the sense that I had to rely on someone else to help me and this isn't the first time this friend has helped me out with different things. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me. I am so grateful to have friends like these. I really didn't know what I was going to do this month. I was desperate to sell things and had dropped the price of one of my items to rock bottom trying to pay the rent. I have never been more scared of losing my place to live as I was then. But thanks to my friend we were able to take care of the rent and this WILL NOT happen again! I have put my daughter on notice about that!
I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind lately, I mean literally. My emotions are at the surface which they haven't been for so many years. It is scary. I cry a lot, something I haven't done since I was a kid. The pressure I have been under both financially and emotionally is more than I can bear really. I have been losing time lately, something that my doctor calls disassociating. It is not normal for me at all. It started when my ex-fiance came out to visit last month and has continued since then. Although, thankfully not as much. My therapist attributes it to the excessive stress that I am under. I mean, my disability is due to run out in a couple of months and I have to go to a job that I am pretty sure is going to fire me not long after I get back. They have a history of doing that so I expect it actually. So I am looking for work and trying to deal with deep emotional traumas from my past. Not a good combination. The timing really sucks. I wish I had started seeing this therapist sooner. Perhaps I would have been farther along. The visit from my ex set me back quite a bit, but it was actually a really good thing in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. Things that I needed to deal with, although they hurt tremendously. On Monday I will be going in to the county where I live for a full on evaluation that will take several hours. Yay? The good part is that it is the stepping stone to getting back on my medication. Right now I have been without it for at least a couple of months and it is BAD. It has affected me in a really bad way and so getting back on them is paramount. So while it is a hassle it is also something that I need desperately. I really need to be back on them, especially when I am trying to get on with my life and get back to work. Struggling every day to stay alive is NOT my idea of a good time. The medication really makes a difference.
So with all of that said I think I am going to conclude this blog for the night.....it is a lot to take in and believe me, this isn't even the half of what is going on in my life. But it is taking too much out of me to go on right now.....so until next time!
I'm not the only person who feels this way, am I? I feel like every little setback these days means the beginning of the end. Things can be going "OK" and then BOOM one thing happens to set me back, doesn't have to be big...and I feel like I just want to be done with life. Right now I am sure a big part of that is the fact that my medical insurance was canceled so I am not taking my meds on a normal schedule. I am trying to make them last so I am taking my anti-depressants every other day. I will be making an appointment to see one of my doctors in the next week or so, he has to OK me to go back to work. He will, even though he doesn't want me to, because he knows I HAVE to go back, I don't have a choice. I am going to ask him to put me on a 4 day a week schedule to ease me back. Maybe 4 days permanently...but I won't know if I can afford that until I do it and where I work they DON'T like it to be that way. Part-time is less hours, not less days. But there is no point in less hours per day, it only helps them and will kill me even more financially. I wish I could afford to do things a different way but I can't. My son is planning on moving out next month so I can't rely on any financial help from him (for rent or food) anymore and eBay is not going well all of a sudden (not just for me but for many sellers). However I do have a couple of other ideas up my sleeve, just have to find a way to afford them and to do them. It is really hard for people who do not suffer from this to understand that it is like a disconnect between what you know you need to do and what you can do. I feel like I am existing on some weird plane where I am alone...Everything is going on around me but I am barely able to interact. Of course I'm also worried that I am going to have to stop seeing my therapist until I get my insurance back, I'm sure he is not going to see me for free and I can barely afford the co-payment right now. So I may have to forget therapy for a month or so until I get my insurance back, not to mention that there is no telling how long the lag time will be for the insurance. It was such a hassle the first time I got it. I can only do what I can do, but it sucks.
I was going along so well in therapy and doing better in many ways, starting to dig into things that would make me better and now I may have to quit. Even before I go back I am worried about slipping back into my bad thoughts, hell I haven't seen my therapist in a week and am already feeling like I'm slipping away. This is why therapy is so important to keep me grounded in this critical phase of my treatment.
This sucks so bad. No happiness, no joy, no sense of things getting better has made me fall into the abyss of hopelessness when I was starting to feel hopeful. DAMMIT!!!! I am so mad at those in my life who traumatized me to this extent!!!! Damn them! Except for my mom whose only contribution to my traumas was to die younger than she should have and I am kinda mad at her for not telling the doctor all of the issues she was having physically. Maybe they could have helped her! She thought she could handle things on her own, that she knew better. I begged her to see the doctor if she was having problems, which I knew she was. Obviously I had no idea at all how serious those problems would turn out to be. I miss her so damn much, I need her. She always made me feel just a little bit better just knowing that she was there and that she loved me no matter what I did.
Wow this blog just took a weird turn....well maybe that's the way trauma is. Sometimes the focus is on one thing and then it shifts to another trauma. Each trauma has it's own symptoms and feelings associated with it. Some of my trauma is obvious and angry and some of it is sad and regretful. All of them are traumatic in their own individual ways. Some affect me in everyday life and some affect me only sometimes, when triggered by something. What I wouldn't give right now to hold my mom and just cry until I can't cry anymore.
On a good note, I have talked to a couple of people who have read my blog and have found some things in it to be thought-provoking. For that I am really glad. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to write this blog. My condition is making it increasingly difficult for me to write, it can be painful mentally and emotionally. So I am not as consistent as I'd like to be with this. But it makes all of it worth it when someone reads something that resonates with them. I am happy to share, especially when it helps someone to feel as though they are not alone. And also to share what I have learned in therapy. Look it's free! I hope to be doing better and maybe my therapist and I can find a way to make this happen, who knows. I just hope to hold on. I miss myself. I used to really like me, now I don't even know if I know who I am anymore. I know that I am not a bad person and I know that I have good Karma (even if it doesn't seem that way right now), I don't intentionally hurt anyone. I also know that I am getting older and I am dying and I want to be me again before I die.
