Life isn't a fairy tale and I ain't no princess....

Once upon a time...I was a little girl. Yep, I know, weird. Any woman over the age of 35-40 must remember all of the fairy tale propaganda we were fed as little girls. I know I do. I, was not only fed it, but I believed it. It wasn't until I was 19-20 years old that the fairy tale began to get chipped away. Truth be told it should have been chipped away before that, but I was a naive young woman. You would think with some of the life experiences I had had up to that point that I would have been spoiled against the fairy tale already. But I think I wasn't because I thought that although I was traumatized by incidents at a young age, I STILL thought that one day my prince would come and I would live happily ever after.

My first problem was the "prince". Like most young girls I pictured tall, dark, and handsome. But most of my boyfriends were short, skinny, albeit attractive. Or even if he was tall there was something that got in the way. Usually something stupid, like my age. I was just thinking today about my last boyfriend I had, before I met the boyfriend who would eventually become my husband...

Good ole Matt. I still think of him from time to time. The what-if's of life always cause you to do that. I met Matt at my first job when I was just turning 17. He went to a rival school, the same one my ex-husband went to as a matter of fact. This job was great for me, I was able to show what a go-getter I was. But more importantly I was a "mystery" to the people who worked there. The guys didn't know me so they had no preconceived notions about my high school rep, which trust me I didn't really have. I was involved in drama the first couple of years of high school and then yearbook the last 2. Exciting, I know! Anyway, the point is that for some reason I was very interesting to the guys there and I was very interested in them as well. It went both ways. I didn't know their reps either. All I knew is that most of them were very cute. Matt happened to be one of them. But of course he also happened to be short....like maybe 2-3 inches taller than me, but short for a guy. And skinny. I wasn't fat at the time, but I felt fat next to the skinny guys. He happened to be great on paper when you think about it. He came from a close Catholic family of 10 kids, held down 2 jobs in high school, was going to college to be a nuclear physicist when he got out of high school (he actually DID become one), and saved up enough to buy a really cool pristine Dodge Charger...all in the space of the small amount of time I knew him. Our first "date" was a group date with friends, some that I knew from work, and several that I didn't know. It was kinda scary for me, I was shy around people I didn't know. Our "official" first date was to dinner and then the state fair. Now you may ask, what was wrong? Well nothing, on the surface....but under the surface...Well first of all, our first date also entailed a visit to meet his parents, as well as several of his brothers and sisters. Now I had never formally met anyone's parents, especially a boyfriends. I was petrified. He moved too fast. Then there was the issue of chemistry. He felt it and I didn't. I was more experienced, which wasn't a lot, but it showed. God love him, he tried. I just never felt it. I felt more chemistry with a guy that I had only met once a few years earlier than I had with Matt. He was a nice guy. Problem one. The fairy tales don't tell you that you probably won't have physical chemistry with the nice guy. The bad boys? Oh hell yeah, chemistry galore. But the nice guys, the ones you SHOULD be wanting to marry....nope no chemistry. So although he tried, I never felt the necessary chemistry to keep up the relationship and I *gulp* broke his heart. I found this out many years later when I was working with a girl who had been good friends with him after high school. She said I was the one who broke his heart and it took him years to get over me. Talk about karma and a kick to the head.

I had broken a few hearts, when I was younger of course. I regret it terribly. Nothing I can do to make up for it. Sometimes I think my bad luck with relationships is my karmic payback. Although I think that my payback waaay outweighed the heartbreak I caused. I do feel terrible about it, I truly do. Not because I haven't been able to find a man to love me the way I deserve, I feel terrible because I didn't do it the right way. I hurt these boys without being truthful about it, being upfront. I wasn't mindful of their feelings, I just was too scared to tell them that it just wasn't going to work out. It's not you, it's me. That would have been much kinder than just not telling them why. 

Now you must wonder, what was it that made me start to realize that life was not a fairy tale and that I wasn't going to be living happily ever after. Truthfully, it was simply finding out that someone who worked with my husband at the time was having an affair. Actually it was a couple of guys that worked with my husband. I was shocked! I was only around 20 and I knew both the husbands and the wives, and I knew the "other women". They all worked together. Little did I know that my own husband would also enter into his first affair right after the birth of my 2nd child, which wasn't too long after that. In fact most of my husbands affairs were preceded by the birth of one of our children.

The last affair? It was after I almost died giving birth to our 4th and last child. This is when he decided it was time to tell me about ALL of the women he had slept with while we were married, most were when I was pregnant or right after I had a baby. Each time he sited that I was bitchy with the pregnancy. (!) The last one? He was afraid that I was going to die, I almost did, so he thought he should have someone just in case I died. Nice huh? But guess what ladies....this is not unusual. Many men would rather be with someone, anyone, than to be alone. I am not the only one to learn this. I think it is why I am terrified to be with anyone again. I've been the "anyone" and that is no way to live. No thank you.

So in conclusion I have to say that ignorance was bliss for me, for many years....I enjoyed it and if I knew then what I know now? I would have probably never fulfilled my life-long dream to get married and have children. So I guess the telling of fairy tales is good for something.