D-I-V-O-R-C-E......

Doing a little reflection as usual. I figure I'd better use the time I have left before going back to work to contemplate as much as I can while my mind is relatively clear. Of course thinking about life has a tendency to provoke dreams, most of which I don't care for and others which are just weird to me. 

So funny sometimes to watch TV or movies and see how marriage and divorce are handled. I mean once upon a time you would never even contemplate divorce. If you were in an unhappy marriage you were stuck. Makes me wonder how lightly we take marriage now. When I got married it was a time when the divorce rate was actually very high. Mainly because of the no-fault divorce and also because it was becoming more acceptable to be divorced. The stigma was lesser than it had been in the past. Although I was only 18 when I got married I took it VERY seriously. I wanted to be married, I wanted to devote my life to my husband. Of course at that time I didn't realize that I was not only devoting my life to him but I was giving up myself AND my life to him. Even now I can't seem to get rid of him in my head. The abuse that I suffered at his hands has stayed with me even all of these years after we divorced. The fact that we had children together binds us. Although, thankfully, I have no more contact with him. Except for the fact that he still owes almost $3,000.00 in back child support that I will most certainly never get. He won't work unless it's under the table so he will never be forced to pay it. This coming from a man who swore never to "fuck me over". Ha!

To talk about divorce means to go into the end of my marriage. There were a couple of deal breakers for me when it came to marriage. One was infidelity and the other was drug or alcohol abuse. ALL of these he was guilty of. I tried to ride it out, which I did for a time....until one night many years ago when he decided to purge himself of all of his guilt by puking his secret life all over me. It was a night of betrayal and pain of which I still have not recovered. The truth of the matter is that I endured abuse at his hands, both physical, emotional and then some, and for some reason I thought that it would make me immune to all of this. I mean I did anything and everything he wanted for the most part. Still it was never enough, I realized years later that it was not my fault. What he wanted could never be given to him by another. He was unhappy with himself and always expecting others to fix his life, to make him perfect and happy. You can't ever make a person happy if they are not happy with themselves first. In any case. I found out in one night...that inevitably stretched out into the following day...all of the things he had done during our marriage that I had not known. ALL of the cheating, some with people I knew, and all of the times I had suspected and he had slapped me down and tortured me with for YEARS, I had been right about all along but had been made to feel like a piece of crap for even thinking these things. Oh yeah, I found out how my life had been at risk thanks to him not using protection...a couple of these liasons were with hookers. The latest one was with a 19 year old employee of ours. A girl that he had tried to get me to fire at one point, while he was sleeping with her I might add. It was a little game with him, a sick and twisted game. There isn't enough blog space to type all of the humiliating things he did to me, positions he put me in. All of this for his amusement.

To learn in one night that I was betrayed by my husband for years, betrayed by people I knew as well, and knowing that I had defended him when there were times that others suspected. Or when things actually happened and he lied about them to me. One of the women he cheated with had a husband who told me that I had a problem and of course I thought that HE was the one who had a problem because his wife had come on to my husband but he had refused her. Later he would bed her and claim it was to get her to leave him alone, he blamed it on peer pressure...LoL... The woman was so devastated by this original rejection that she tried to kill herself. My husband had to go to the hospital because he was her supervisor in a top secret security position in the military. He had to stay there because she was so out of it that she was spouting stuff that she was claiming was military secrets. All the while I stayed at home and then stuck by my husband when he was called in by his superiors for this "incident". 


To find out that I was a fool for YEARS was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to me. To be betrayed by my husband and at least one person whom I considered to be a friend was more than I could bear. To have been humiliated and degraded by someone whom I loved and devoted all of my adult life to at that point....it was the worse betrayal I have ever endured in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I trusted him with my life and my happiness. I gave him everything I had and then some. I wanted a marriage and a family. 

I did not take the decision to divorce lightly. I tried to save the marriage even before I found out all of this stuff. But the thing is that when you don't have all of the information it is hard to succeed. Even after all of this I still didn't give up right away, but I will say that it was the last straw for me. I did not take divorce lightly. We had 4 children together for one thing. I also had spent all of my adult life with him so I didn't want to throw away all of those years. But in the end I had already done that by staying married to him when I knew that I was not happy nor was I being treated the way I deserved to be treated. Of course when you have low self esteem you think you ARE being treated the way you deserve to be. Especially when you are with someone who continually makes you feel as though you are lucky to be with them and that no one else would want you.

So in the end, divorce was the only option and it was the right one. I wish I had done it sooner, but if I did then I would never have had all of my children so regret can only go so far. I learned a lot from my marriage and divorce. The problem is that I am damaged in a way that I don't think can ever be repaired. I will never blindly trust in that way again. I gave away my love and trust to someone who deserved neither. Now I have none left to give. I tried once again, not marriage but love, and I got smacked by that as well. I know that I probably need to get a different attitude, just for self-preservation. 


When I was going through my divorce I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone's business. It was especially painful there as everyone knew the circumstances (at least some of them) and everyone observed his crazy behavior. The heartening part was I was told by a good friend, who was the director at my daughter's preschool, that I was known around town as the rock. She said that so many people admired me for being so strong, being there for my kids, and taking over the business that my husband and I owned. All of this with a smile on my face and pain in my heart. It was nice to hear because it was better than the pity I was sure people felt towards me. Believe me, when Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock were going through their public break-ups I felt as though I understood more than the average woman about it. Only because living in a small town with the most public business made me a small town pseudo-celebrity at the time. Everyone knew me even if I didn't know them. To have such a public airing of what should be private was something that was extremely painful. I truly understood much of what they were going through, besides the obvious betrayal, on a smaller scale. It is tough enough to go through this kind of thing without having all of the gossip surrounding it. So my hats off to these ladies who have to go through this stuff on a much larger stage. I feel for them because I know a tenth of what it is like and it SUCKS!

Divorce is complicated and should never be taken lightly. Marriage is a commitment that every couple should strive to save. But sometimes no matter how committed you are your partner might not be. If I could give ANYONE a piece of advice when it comes to marriage, or life in general, it would be to trust your instincts. It could save you a world of pain later on. If I would have maybe I'd be in a better place right now....

Life isn't a fairy tale and I ain't no princess....

Once upon a time...I was a little girl. Yep, I know, weird. Any woman over the age of 35-40 must remember all of the fairy tale propaganda we were fed as little girls. I know I do. I, was not only fed it, but I believed it. It wasn't until I was 19-20 years old that the fairy tale began to get chipped away. Truth be told it should have been chipped away before that, but I was a naive young woman. You would think with some of the life experiences I had had up to that point that I would have been spoiled against the fairy tale already. But I think I wasn't because I thought that although I was traumatized by incidents at a young age, I STILL thought that one day my prince would come and I would live happily ever after.

My first problem was the "prince". Like most young girls I pictured tall, dark, and handsome. But most of my boyfriends were short, skinny, albeit attractive. Or even if he was tall there was something that got in the way. Usually something stupid, like my age. I was just thinking today about my last boyfriend I had, before I met the boyfriend who would eventually become my husband...

Good ole Matt. I still think of him from time to time. The what-if's of life always cause you to do that. I met Matt at my first job when I was just turning 17. He went to a rival school, the same one my ex-husband went to as a matter of fact. This job was great for me, I was able to show what a go-getter I was. But more importantly I was a "mystery" to the people who worked there. The guys didn't know me so they had no preconceived notions about my high school rep, which trust me I didn't really have. I was involved in drama the first couple of years of high school and then yearbook the last 2. Exciting, I know! Anyway, the point is that for some reason I was very interesting to the guys there and I was very interested in them as well. It went both ways. I didn't know their reps either. All I knew is that most of them were very cute. Matt happened to be one of them. But of course he also happened to be short....like maybe 2-3 inches taller than me, but short for a guy. And skinny. I wasn't fat at the time, but I felt fat next to the skinny guys. He happened to be great on paper when you think about it. He came from a close Catholic family of 10 kids, held down 2 jobs in high school, was going to college to be a nuclear physicist when he got out of high school (he actually DID become one), and saved up enough to buy a really cool pristine Dodge Charger...all in the space of the small amount of time I knew him. Our first "date" was a group date with friends, some that I knew from work, and several that I didn't know. It was kinda scary for me, I was shy around people I didn't know. Our "official" first date was to dinner and then the state fair. Now you may ask, what was wrong? Well nothing, on the surface....but under the surface...Well first of all, our first date also entailed a visit to meet his parents, as well as several of his brothers and sisters. Now I had never formally met anyone's parents, especially a boyfriends. I was petrified. He moved too fast. Then there was the issue of chemistry. He felt it and I didn't. I was more experienced, which wasn't a lot, but it showed. God love him, he tried. I just never felt it. I felt more chemistry with a guy that I had only met once a few years earlier than I had with Matt. He was a nice guy. Problem one. The fairy tales don't tell you that you probably won't have physical chemistry with the nice guy. The bad boys? Oh hell yeah, chemistry galore. But the nice guys, the ones you SHOULD be wanting to marry....nope no chemistry. So although he tried, I never felt the necessary chemistry to keep up the relationship and I *gulp* broke his heart. I found this out many years later when I was working with a girl who had been good friends with him after high school. She said I was the one who broke his heart and it took him years to get over me. Talk about karma and a kick to the head.

I had broken a few hearts, when I was younger of course. I regret it terribly. Nothing I can do to make up for it. Sometimes I think my bad luck with relationships is my karmic payback. Although I think that my payback waaay outweighed the heartbreak I caused. I do feel terrible about it, I truly do. Not because I haven't been able to find a man to love me the way I deserve, I feel terrible because I didn't do it the right way. I hurt these boys without being truthful about it, being upfront. I wasn't mindful of their feelings, I just was too scared to tell them that it just wasn't going to work out. It's not you, it's me. That would have been much kinder than just not telling them why. 

Now you must wonder, what was it that made me start to realize that life was not a fairy tale and that I wasn't going to be living happily ever after. Truthfully, it was simply finding out that someone who worked with my husband at the time was having an affair. Actually it was a couple of guys that worked with my husband. I was shocked! I was only around 20 and I knew both the husbands and the wives, and I knew the "other women". They all worked together. Little did I know that my own husband would also enter into his first affair right after the birth of my 2nd child, which wasn't too long after that. In fact most of my husbands affairs were preceded by the birth of one of our children.

The last affair? It was after I almost died giving birth to our 4th and last child. This is when he decided it was time to tell me about ALL of the women he had slept with while we were married, most were when I was pregnant or right after I had a baby. Each time he sited that I was bitchy with the pregnancy. (!) The last one? He was afraid that I was going to die, I almost did, so he thought he should have someone just in case I died. Nice huh? But guess what ladies....this is not unusual. Many men would rather be with someone, anyone, than to be alone. I am not the only one to learn this. I think it is why I am terrified to be with anyone again. I've been the "anyone" and that is no way to live. No thank you.

So in conclusion I have to say that ignorance was bliss for me, for many years....I enjoyed it and if I knew then what I know now? I would have probably never fulfilled my life-long dream to get married and have children. So I guess the telling of fairy tales is good for something.

I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray....

Hello everyone....I have missed a couple of weeks, at least, of blogging. Sorry about that. Not that I've wanted to. Circumstances have thrown me into a major depressive state and I just couldn't sit here and write about it. I'm not really going to write much right now about that particular situation. A lot of things have happened to me personally that caused me to have a near nervous breakdown recently. Thankfully I have such a skilled therapist to pull me through some of it. But it has pushed my progress back and that in itself is depressing. I do plan on sharing this with all of you, but right now it is just too much to write about. It was too much for me to process. 

Another major thing happened and didn't happen to me, it happened to one of my sons. He found out that his wife has been cheating on him. What a horrific thing to find out, been there myself. The details I plan on keeping to myself, but I know so much about how he is feeling. My son was devastated and what really hurt me is that he was more worried about ME and how I would take it. He thought I'd have a heart attack, he thought that it would make me so sad that he didn't tell me for a few weeks. Here he was going through the worst time in his life and he wanted to tell me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Dammit! This damn depression and PTSD is now hurting my family even more than I ever thought. Thankfully, he has since talked to me about it, but the fact that he went through this and couldn't tell me, just KILLS me. I know that he is hurting terribly and the first weeks are the worst. Anyone who knows me knows how close my kids and I are. I am hurting so badly for him. When we started talking about it I looked him in the eyes and I told him that no matter what is going on with me I will ALWAYS be able to handle anything that is happening to him. I am here for him and I always be here. One positive thing about this is that it really brought home the fact that I am still needed, badly. 

I also found out how much guilt he has for the pain he caused me when he was younger. I was just so sad that he felt so much guilt for something that he did when he was 18. Something that he paid for and came out better for. He also had a lot of guilt about not being the best role model and not being around for his younger brother and sister. I told him that that was his father's job, not his. But he was in such pain as he said, "Well dad wasn't there, he didn't care." I had NO IDEA that he felt such responsibility for his younger siblings. Enough to have such a huge amount of guilt. It is just so sad. 

He plans on staying with his wife and I support whatever he wants to do. I know his wife thinks I hate her. I truly don't hate her, but I am furious with her for hurting my son so deeply. I can't deny that. I am also very disappointed in her. Having been on the receiving end of betrayal, I know how devastating it can be in every area. I never thought she would do that to him, especially considering how much he helped her regain some self-esteem after her last boyfriend, before my son, treated her. I also know that betrayal like this is different for men than for women. But as I explained the feelings that I went through, I could see that my son was feeling the same things and so he knew that I understood more than he thought. I support whatever he wants to do, I know that he loves her. But they BOTH have to work on this together. She needs to take responsibility for her betrayal and he needs to understand that it is not his fault. He didn't cause this. Whatever the problems are between them they need to communicate, no one can change anything it they don't know that something is wrong. No matter what problems you have in a marriage there is NO EXCUSE for betraying your spouse. NONE.  My ex-husband was abusive and horrible to me, I had many opportunities to cheat on him, but that is not what you do when you are committed to a marriage. I take marriage vows very seriously. If you feel the need to sleep with someone else, get counseling, together or separately. Or separate for awhile. But don't break your vows and hurt the person you committed to spend the rest of your life with. That is not fair and it is a hurt that never really goes away. Plus if you think you had problems in your marriage before? Try cheating, you'll get major trust issues that are VERY difficult to get through. It is hard to recover from betrayal. I know, I never got over it. I really hope that my son and his wife can work through this. As a mother you want to kick the ass of the person who hurt your child, but I know that it is his marriage and it is his life. I will support him and his marriage as best as I can. If this is what he wants then I want it for him. God knows I want him to be happy. To have your wife cheat after being married for just over a year? That is so insane to me. It brings up a lot of issues, like do you want to waste your time at this stage of your life? Personally, I wasted a lot of years hoping for change that never came. But I can't let my experiences color his. He and his wife are not me and his father. I really want it to work out. I personally want to be able to trust her as well. It hurts me too, I love her like a daughter and I couldn't believe that she would ever do anything like this. It makes me wonder who she really is....did I not know her as well as I thought?

  The day they got married  I said to her at the wedding, during my toast, that I was trusting her with my son's heart. I meant it. Was my trust misplaced? She broke his heart into a million pieces and it just makes me cry for the pain that I know he is feeling. Girl, better be serious about this marriage. Because I will support both of them. I will hope that this is a big bump on a long and smooth road together. That they will be walking that road together for the rest of their lives. But god forbid that this happens again, because I will step in and it will not be pretty. Because when I let loose my fury, it is not good, especially when it comes to someone hurting my child. Every time I think about this, I start crying. No one wants their child to feel this kind of devastating pain, it breaks my heart.

It amazes me how many people take their vows so lightly. I think that is why I never want to marry again. I don't trust anyone to keep their vows as I did. I just don't. It is sad, but true. What many people who cheat don't understand is that they hurt so many people by their selfish actions. We are all hurt by this person that we loved and welcomed into our family. I wonder if she gets that. I wonder if anyone who cheats gets that.