So funny sometimes to watch TV or movies and see how marriage and divorce are handled. I mean once upon a time you would never even contemplate divorce. If you were in an unhappy marriage you were stuck. Makes me wonder how lightly we take marriage now. When I got married it was a time when the divorce rate was actually very high. Mainly because of the no-fault divorce and also because it was becoming more acceptable to be divorced. The stigma was lesser than it had been in the past. Although I was only 18 when I got married I took it VERY seriously. I wanted to be married, I wanted to devote my life to my husband. Of course at that time I didn't realize that I was not only devoting my life to him but I was giving up myself AND my life to him. Even now I can't seem to get rid of him in my head. The abuse that I suffered at his hands has stayed with me even all of these years after we divorced. The fact that we had children together binds us. Although, thankfully, I have no more contact with him. Except for the fact that he still owes almost $3,000.00 in back child support that I will most certainly never get. He won't work unless it's under the table so he will never be forced to pay it. This coming from a man who swore never to "fuck me over". Ha!
To talk about divorce means to go into the end of my marriage. There were a couple of deal breakers for me when it came to marriage. One was infidelity and the other was drug or alcohol abuse. ALL of these he was guilty of. I tried to ride it out, which I did for a time....until one night many years ago when he decided to purge himself of all of his guilt by puking his secret life all over me. It was a night of betrayal and pain of which I still have not recovered. The truth of the matter is that I endured abuse at his hands, both physical, emotional and then some, and for some reason I thought that it would make me immune to all of this. I mean I did anything and everything he wanted for the most part. Still it was never enough, I realized years later that it was not my fault. What he wanted could never be given to him by another. He was unhappy with himself and always expecting others to fix his life, to make him perfect and happy. You can't ever make a person happy if they are not happy with themselves first. In any case. I found out in one night...that inevitably stretched out into the following day...all of the things he had done during our marriage that I had not known. ALL of the cheating, some with people I knew, and all of the times I had suspected and he had slapped me down and tortured me with for YEARS, I had been right about all along but had been made to feel like a piece of crap for even thinking these things. Oh yeah, I found out how my life had been at risk thanks to him not using protection...a couple of these liasons were with hookers. The latest one was with a 19 year old employee of ours. A girl that he had tried to get me to fire at one point, while he was sleeping with her I might add. It was a little game with him, a sick and twisted game. There isn't enough blog space to type all of the humiliating things he did to me, positions he put me in. All of this for his amusement.
To learn in one night that I was betrayed by my husband for years, betrayed by people I knew as well, and knowing that I had defended him when there were times that others suspected. Or when things actually happened and he lied about them to me. One of the women he cheated with had a husband who told me that I had a problem and of course I thought that HE was the one who had a problem because his wife had come on to my husband but he had refused her. Later he would bed her and claim it was to get her to leave him alone, he blamed it on peer pressure...LoL... The woman was so devastated by this original rejection that she tried to kill herself. My husband had to go to the hospital because he was her supervisor in a top secret security position in the military. He had to stay there because she was so out of it that she was spouting stuff that she was claiming was military secrets. All the while I stayed at home and then stuck by my husband when he was called in by his superiors for this "incident".
To find out that I was a fool for YEARS was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to me. To be betrayed by my husband and at least one person whom I considered to be a friend was more than I could bear. To have been humiliated and degraded by someone whom I loved and devoted all of my adult life to at that point....it was the worse betrayal I have ever endured in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I trusted him with my life and my happiness. I gave him everything I had and then some. I wanted a marriage and a family.
I did not take the decision to divorce lightly. I tried to save the marriage even before I found out all of this stuff. But the thing is that when you don't have all of the information it is hard to succeed. Even after all of this I still didn't give up right away, but I will say that it was the last straw for me. I did not take divorce lightly. We had 4 children together for one thing. I also had spent all of my adult life with him so I didn't want to throw away all of those years. But in the end I had already done that by staying married to him when I knew that I was not happy nor was I being treated the way I deserved to be treated. Of course when you have low self esteem you think you ARE being treated the way you deserve to be. Especially when you are with someone who continually makes you feel as though you are lucky to be with them and that no one else would want you.
So in the end, divorce was the only option and it was the right one. I wish I had done it sooner, but if I did then I would never have had all of my children so regret can only go so far. I learned a lot from my marriage and divorce. The problem is that I am damaged in a way that I don't think can ever be repaired. I will never blindly trust in that way again. I gave away my love and trust to someone who deserved neither. Now I have none left to give. I tried once again, not marriage but love, and I got smacked by that as well. I know that I probably need to get a different attitude, just for self-preservation.
When I was going through my divorce I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone's business. It was especially painful there as everyone knew the circumstances (at least some of them) and everyone observed his crazy behavior. The heartening part was I was told by a good friend, who was the director at my daughter's preschool, that I was known around town as the rock. She said that so many people admired me for being so strong, being there for my kids, and taking over the business that my husband and I owned. All of this with a smile on my face and pain in my heart. It was nice to hear because it was better than the pity I was sure people felt towards me. Believe me, when Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock were going through their public break-ups I felt as though I understood more than the average woman about it. Only because living in a small town with the most public business made me a small town pseudo-celebrity at the time. Everyone knew me even if I didn't know them. To have such a public airing of what should be private was something that was extremely painful. I truly understood much of what they were going through, besides the obvious betrayal, on a smaller scale. It is tough enough to go through this kind of thing without having all of the gossip surrounding it. So my hats off to these ladies who have to go through this stuff on a much larger stage. I feel for them because I know a tenth of what it is like and it SUCKS!
Divorce is complicated and should never be taken lightly. Marriage is a commitment that every couple should strive to save. But sometimes no matter how committed you are your partner might not be. If I could give ANYONE a piece of advice when it comes to marriage, or life in general, it would be to trust your instincts. It could save you a world of pain later on. If I would have maybe I'd be in a better place right now....
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