The tipping point for my beliefs....

"Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true."

Each of us has our own beliefs, many that we cling to no matter what evidence we have to the contrary. Some of this has to do with faith and some of it just has to do with life experiences. These beliefs shape who we are and who we are going to be. 

So I why do I bring this up? Well, the truth is...I had a bit of an epiphany the other day....There seemed to be a rash of suicides as of late with people in the semi-public eye, a couple seemed to prod me into a response. First Bernie Madoff's oldest son and then the mayor of Springfield, Illinois committed suicide in the past week. Of course this news was posted on news websites and blogs of which I read. I found myself responding to several posts from people who commented. Some of my posts were to clear up some misconceptions, for instance....MANY people seem to think that when you commit suicide that your life insurance company will not pay out upon your death. That is a misconception. Most policies will pay out IF you've had the policy for at least 2 years. I think this is to keep someone from making a rash decision to kill themselves to help their families by taking out a large policy that will pay their families a lot of money. You may ask how I know this....well if you are not a regular reader of my blog then you may not know that my father committed suicide 11 years ago in February. I was surprised when I discovered that his insurance policies would pay out. Knowing my dad I would bet that he knew it too. He made a point of letting me know about his policies after my mom died 4 years earlier. Of course I am sure that he didn't think that I would blow the money out of spite for what he had done. I felt like it was "blood money" and I wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible.


One of the other comments that someone had made was about the mayor being Catholic. Another commenter responded, "Why does that matter? What was the point of saying that?". Several other people made comments, some in the same vein, some criticizing Christians, and others talking about "mortal sin". Both of my parents were brought up Catholic and went to parochial schools, all of my cousins on my dad's side went to parochial schools....when I visited we always went to Mass. My parents became Methodists together before I was born. But my dad's family was still very Catholic depending on your definition....for some of them were practicing and some, well let's just say I don't think they displayed the most Christian type behavior.

When my father killed himself several of his siblings attended the funeral. I was so confused by my fathers suicide and numb at the same time. My aunt who was VERY Catholic was one of the attendees. Being so pious I questioned her about if my dad was in hell now because of what he did. I was so confused and worried about his soul. My dad wasn't a bad man. He made a lot of mistakes but I know that he did the best he could in life. So I was really afraid of what my aunt was going to say. She told me that the devil was holding the gun at the time he shot himself, that his soul was in such despair that God had taken it before the deed was done and that the devil had pulled the trigger. At the time that response also confused me. But at the same time it has had a profound affect on my beliefs both religious and non-religious.

When my mother died I felt closer to God than I had in a long time. I KNEW that my mother was going to a better place. I was sad and devastated by her death, but I knew she was somewhere that I could still talk to her. I felt her soul leave this realm at her funeral when I thought she felt that we were OK. I felt none of that with my dad. I wasn't mad at God or anything like that. I still believe in God, but my thoughts about religion and God have changed. Part of that is because of what my aunt unknowingly planted inside my head. The Catholic belief that suicide is a mortal sin is deeply ingrained and for her to come up with a way in which my dad would STILL go to heaven showed me how people can twist and change their core beliefs to fit their situation. I have heard so many Christians interpret the bible, their holy book, a thousand different ways....same with Muslims and the Koran.....and Jews with the Torah. I also look at peoples' behavior. So many Christians I know, and many I don't know, DO NOT adhere to what they say are their beliefs. These are people who go to church and are pious on Sunday, but the next day it is back to being backstabbers, liars, haters, or whatever their particular peccadillo is. Of course not all Christians are like this, but it seems the more I know people the more I see the hypocrites all around me. The ones who "practice" what they preach? I admire them for walking the walk even if I might not agree with their religious beliefs. I have finally realized that I am not a Christian. To say those words is very difficult for me as I was a Christian most of my life. It is dangerous to say those words. It is almost blasphemy in the current cultural climate to utter those words. Personally, I accept everyone's beliefs as their personal choice. I choose not to believe what they do, but that does not make me a bad person. In fact I think it would be safe to say that I practice more "Christian" behavior than many Christians I know. Not being a Christian is not the same as not believing in God. But there are many who would argue that. To me what I feel is in my soul, deep within me. My God does not hate. He does not condemn all of those who do not believe in him, he doesn't condemn gays (after all HE made them that way) and he is loving, not vengeful or jealous. My God believes that our actions and our heart are what is important. He sees through all of the BS. My God challenges me, he doesn't punish me no matter what I may feel sometimes. In short, my God loves me and sees me for who I am. IF there is a heaven, I will be going there. I don't believe it is someone up in the clouds....hell it may just be in a galaxy far, far away. Or we may just be energy that is recycled into some other life form. I don't know, none of us knows for certain. My dad always believed that we keep coming back until we do it right. If all of this is true then I believe my mother is in heaven and my father is back here somewhere in another form trying to get it right.