The Difference that True Friends and Great Music Make.

T

Today was one of those days where I didn't want to wake up. I knew I had lots to do and after the stress of my kids fighting last night....well I wasn't anxious to get up. Next to my bed I keep my cell phone and noticed that the red button was flashing, which means I had an e-mail. I opened my e-mails to see that a dear friend of mine had purchased some of the items I had for sale on eBay. I alternated between being really happy and really embarrassed. At this time we were pretty much completely out of food which caused my son to be particularly grouchy. In the end I was so grateful. I wasn't sure what we were going to do. Although the "losing weight because we have no money for food" diet is effective, it is not good for ones brain nor for your body. I know that she will enjoy the items that she purchased, so that makes me feel better. I know that we are all in bad shape in this country, in my case some of my friends have really stepped up to the plate and helped me, each in their own way. Another dear friend came from out of town and took me and another friend out to dinner the other night, which was great. I was in need of food, but I was also in need of companionship and needed to see the outside of my apartment. I had a very pleasant time and that is something that I don't have much of these days. It was so good to see them both.

Today my friends were really supportive and stroked my ego on Facebook and even here on my blog. Something else I needed. Right now I have no ego. I don't feel OK most of the time, sometimes I don't feel worthy of my friends and my life. It is a bad place to be. Even though my children are grown, I still have 2 of them living with me and I feel like a failure when I can't pay what needs to be paid, but especially when I can't afford to buy any food for them. So it was truly a blessing to have my friends building me up today. 

For most of my life I didn't have many friends. I think I pretty much made it that way. I could only handle a couple at a time. Being an only child probably made it easier I guess. I just didn't go out looking for friends. But several years ago something happened........

I was ready to put a bullet in my head, I was NOT in a good place. Then one night, I went to a concert with my oldest son. One of the guys in the band I had gone to high school with and I was particularly interested in how he was doing since I knew he had some serious drug problems and had just gone through rehab again. Well, the band knocked my socks off. For once I actually was listening closer to what they were singing. When I went home I ordered their new CD and was able to also hear it online. I joined their website, which I had never done before. I lurked in their forum section for awhile and finally took the plunge and started posting. First it was a little, and I was nervous, but everyone for the most part seemed really nice. Next thing you know I was talking to everyone and having the best time. The highlights of my days became this message board. Finally I traveled with my daughter to a show out of town and met people from the board, one who eventually became my best friend. I gained a confidence that I had never had before. I just decided, fuck it, I'm going to put myself out there and see what happens. Most of the people seemed so much like me. 

 

Soon I was traveling out of town and out of state to see and hang with the band. 
But more importantly, to hook up with all of these new friends. Some of them I count as my very best friends to this day. Even though I don't really get to see them much anymore. Life has gotten in the way and my PTSD, after getting this job, has reared it's very ugly head and made me hide away again. I want to be the person I was a few years ago. That is when I am at my happiest and that is who I truly am. Right now I feel like a failure, like I am only existing in this shell. I need to get ME back. 

I listened to some of the band's music today, many of us were posting videos of the band to enjoy and it just reminded me of how much I love them and how the music makes me feel so much better about everything. I need to go back to listening to them again. I want to be happy again and maybe this will help. Try it yourself and see how you feel.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQcS_C8jqVE