I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray....

Hello everyone....I have missed a couple of weeks, at least, of blogging. Sorry about that. Not that I've wanted to. Circumstances have thrown me into a major depressive state and I just couldn't sit here and write about it. I'm not really going to write much right now about that particular situation. A lot of things have happened to me personally that caused me to have a near nervous breakdown recently. Thankfully I have such a skilled therapist to pull me through some of it. But it has pushed my progress back and that in itself is depressing. I do plan on sharing this with all of you, but right now it is just too much to write about. It was too much for me to process. 

Another major thing happened and didn't happen to me, it happened to one of my sons. He found out that his wife has been cheating on him. What a horrific thing to find out, been there myself. The details I plan on keeping to myself, but I know so much about how he is feeling. My son was devastated and what really hurt me is that he was more worried about ME and how I would take it. He thought I'd have a heart attack, he thought that it would make me so sad that he didn't tell me for a few weeks. Here he was going through the worst time in his life and he wanted to tell me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Dammit! This damn depression and PTSD is now hurting my family even more than I ever thought. Thankfully, he has since talked to me about it, but the fact that he went through this and couldn't tell me, just KILLS me. I know that he is hurting terribly and the first weeks are the worst. Anyone who knows me knows how close my kids and I are. I am hurting so badly for him. When we started talking about it I looked him in the eyes and I told him that no matter what is going on with me I will ALWAYS be able to handle anything that is happening to him. I am here for him and I always be here. One positive thing about this is that it really brought home the fact that I am still needed, badly. 

I also found out how much guilt he has for the pain he caused me when he was younger. I was just so sad that he felt so much guilt for something that he did when he was 18. Something that he paid for and came out better for. He also had a lot of guilt about not being the best role model and not being around for his younger brother and sister. I told him that that was his father's job, not his. But he was in such pain as he said, "Well dad wasn't there, he didn't care." I had NO IDEA that he felt such responsibility for his younger siblings. Enough to have such a huge amount of guilt. It is just so sad. 

He plans on staying with his wife and I support whatever he wants to do. I know his wife thinks I hate her. I truly don't hate her, but I am furious with her for hurting my son so deeply. I can't deny that. I am also very disappointed in her. Having been on the receiving end of betrayal, I know how devastating it can be in every area. I never thought she would do that to him, especially considering how much he helped her regain some self-esteem after her last boyfriend, before my son, treated her. I also know that betrayal like this is different for men than for women. But as I explained the feelings that I went through, I could see that my son was feeling the same things and so he knew that I understood more than he thought. I support whatever he wants to do, I know that he loves her. But they BOTH have to work on this together. She needs to take responsibility for her betrayal and he needs to understand that it is not his fault. He didn't cause this. Whatever the problems are between them they need to communicate, no one can change anything it they don't know that something is wrong. No matter what problems you have in a marriage there is NO EXCUSE for betraying your spouse. NONE.  My ex-husband was abusive and horrible to me, I had many opportunities to cheat on him, but that is not what you do when you are committed to a marriage. I take marriage vows very seriously. If you feel the need to sleep with someone else, get counseling, together or separately. Or separate for awhile. But don't break your vows and hurt the person you committed to spend the rest of your life with. That is not fair and it is a hurt that never really goes away. Plus if you think you had problems in your marriage before? Try cheating, you'll get major trust issues that are VERY difficult to get through. It is hard to recover from betrayal. I know, I never got over it. I really hope that my son and his wife can work through this. As a mother you want to kick the ass of the person who hurt your child, but I know that it is his marriage and it is his life. I will support him and his marriage as best as I can. If this is what he wants then I want it for him. God knows I want him to be happy. To have your wife cheat after being married for just over a year? That is so insane to me. It brings up a lot of issues, like do you want to waste your time at this stage of your life? Personally, I wasted a lot of years hoping for change that never came. But I can't let my experiences color his. He and his wife are not me and his father. I really want it to work out. I personally want to be able to trust her as well. It hurts me too, I love her like a daughter and I couldn't believe that she would ever do anything like this. It makes me wonder who she really is....did I not know her as well as I thought?

  The day they got married  I said to her at the wedding, during my toast, that I was trusting her with my son's heart. I meant it. Was my trust misplaced? She broke his heart into a million pieces and it just makes me cry for the pain that I know he is feeling. Girl, better be serious about this marriage. Because I will support both of them. I will hope that this is a big bump on a long and smooth road together. That they will be walking that road together for the rest of their lives. But god forbid that this happens again, because I will step in and it will not be pretty. Because when I let loose my fury, it is not good, especially when it comes to someone hurting my child. Every time I think about this, I start crying. No one wants their child to feel this kind of devastating pain, it breaks my heart.

It amazes me how many people take their vows so lightly. I think that is why I never want to marry again. I don't trust anyone to keep their vows as I did. I just don't. It is sad, but true. What many people who cheat don't understand is that they hurt so many people by their selfish actions. We are all hurt by this person that we loved and welcomed into our family. I wonder if she gets that. I wonder if anyone who cheats gets that.

Losing Myself....

The title of this blog pretty much says it all. I feel as though my life has left me, I miss what used to be my life. I felt like it had some meaning. Now I'm just going through the motions, trying to fight the good fight and losing terribly. I feel alone and abandoned by the world, disconnected from even the most basic of feelings other than sorrow, despair, hurt, and pain. I am thankful for the couple of friends I have or else I don't know what I would do. It is that little thread that is keeping me tied to this world. As you can tell by this post my depression is winning the war. At some point I am going to lose my ability to do the most basic things because right now I am fighting just to get up out of bed. Of course I'm not sleeping much at all which I'm sure isn't helping right now. 

  Dr. H has talked to me about my guilt, he said the guilt is masking things and I know what it is masking. Hurt, pain, and anger...rage even. This sucks more than anything, I hate these feelings. Before I got better for awhile (a few years ago) I was feeling a lot of anger. I mean every single day I was angry and/or depressed. Then by some miracle I snapped out of it and became a different person for a few years...not enough years because now I am back to that hopeless person again. I hate it so much. I don't want to feel this way but I know I have to stop masking it and deal with it. But it is so very hard. All I want to do is die right now. I am tired both physically and emotionally. I've lost the connection with pretty much everyone I know. Both physically and emotionally. No one knows me anymore. I feel as though I would not be missed by more than a handful of the people I know. Four of those are my kids. I feel useless and I feel like no matter what I say or do it isn't right. 

  Of course it doesn't help that every time I read posts on the internet regarding news stories or even some Facebook postings it makes me feel like the world is made up of hate more than love. Why in the hell would I want to stick around for this? I can't bear this. I know I am not the only person who feels this way, don't get me wrong. It appears to be a pity party and sometimes I want to slap my own face....sometimes I do. This doesn't negate what I am feeling. I am depressed, I am tired, and I feel like I'm already dead inside. It sucks to feel this way. I feel as though I am getting worse instead of better so I have to remind myself that my doctor told me that this would happen. But ya know what, even though I know that it doesn't stop me from feeling totally and utterly alone. Where the hell are the voices in my head??? It's all quiet in there and that may be good...maybe it's the eye of the storm which would mean this is half over, right? Get through the other half and then I'm home free? I sure hope so because if I fall much further I don't know if I will be able to get out.

Here is some song lyrics with the song posted right after that REALLY embody so much of how I'm feeling. Sorry the video isn't really a video but an album cover but the song is good. I like it, even if it is depressing. For anyone who may actually read this, writing helps me even if it is negative like this. I'm sorry for being such a downer but it is part of the journey that I promised you with this blog. You are going to get the bad with the good.

Losing time
counting hours
I'll never see myself again
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Closing down
I expect the hopelessness
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
and that's all I need

I am lost
I feel I am sinking now
like I was made of rain

Like a wave I roll into the endless night

I am not afraid
as the darkness starts
to make its way
I breathe as hard as you
as I end my day
I sigh and shelter
as I try to sink that deep
as deepas you and make sure
that I won't fall asleep

Losing days
I need no hours
I'll never be myself again
And even though it's killing me
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Cry baby, yep that's me.

This week I had 2 doctors appointments, one with my Psychiatrist and one with my therapist. Both were fruitful for different reasons.

The Psychiatrist, Dr. G, was first, on Monday. I told him about my overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of dread that I had last week and so he gave me Klonipin, which seems like a good choice so far as I haven't had the feeling since I started taking it first thing every morning. It will make my life easier if I don't have to wait for an attack to take a Xanax. I am trying so hard to get my life going and it has been really hard. I was starting to feel very defeated. I confess, I wanted to give up and die. I have been so bored of life and nothing is making me the least bit content. But I haven't given up yet, I can't, I have kids. Having had a father commit suicide I have sworn that I won't no matter what. It is a hard promise to keep sometimes.

  Dr. H was VERY helpful as always. He questioned if some of these feelings of dread and anxiety may have something to do with my ex-mother-in-laws death and the fact that her family and my ex are trying to contact me. I think it could definitely have something to do with it. I have no desire to see or talk to any of them ever again. The anxiety is just a reminder of all of the pain. When I was talking to Dr. H about my feelings and the fact that I don't have any, and I want to, I began crying when he asked me what I felt at that moment and all I could say was, "All I feel is hurt and pain". He told me that that is the outside layer that we need to get through to get those other feelings out. Everything is buried so deep. I just feel the bad stuff and I want to feel the good stuff. I had almost 2 years of great happiness, self confidence, and love for myself and others. Where did that go???? I want it back, I need it back!!!! I can't live without some joy somewhere.

  For someone who never cries, it was a shock to me that tears just started streaming down my face. I think it is a credit to my trust in my therapist. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I know it is cathartic, but it is alien to me these days. When I was a kid, I cried all of the time when my feelings were hurt, same with when I was married. But I have turned to stone because I've been hurt so much. So maybe this is a turning point... I hope so. It is part of the road to healing. It is going to take a long time to heal, none of the damage was done overnight so it won't be cured overnight either.

If you've noticed I added some favorite items from Amazon, I LOVE Amazon. There are some great books to read, some that are relevant to this condition and some just because they are good. The Stieg Larsson trilogy is good because it does address mental illness. The trilogy starts with "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I highly recommend it. I also recommend reading PTSD for Dummies. Any Dummies book I have found to be particularly useful if you have a hard time paying attention or need things explained in a way that makes it very easy to understand. Believe me I have Dummies books for everything from History to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Jewelry Making. So pick one up, the links are on the side bar for Amazon and on this blog.

I hope that one day soon I will hear from someone who reads this blog, if anyone. I would be curious to hear about your experiences and if you've had therapy, how has it worked for you?

Until next time.....