But the cute little baby drawing makes it seem sweet le pait pas? What I mean to say is that I am not good about keeping up my blog as I should. One thing or another keeps me from doing what I want to do, which is to write something at least every other day! But alas, I suck. I have two blogs that I write, perhaps I am being too ambitious. But truthfully I wanted to have this serious one and also one for fun. No one wants to be so serious all of the time, especially when you are trying to get better. Humor is actually a very good thing to have. Life is so serious already and when you are suffering from any kind of illness, mental or physical, humor is a great way to feel better about things. As they say, " It can't rain all the time" right?
So on with the business of blogging. I went to see Dr. H on Tuesday, as always, and told him about the little episode that I talked about in my last blog. Being fragile and all. He told me that just the act of stating that I am fragile and vulnerable is a position of strength. He also explained to me a few things about myself that gave me so much to think about. I had told him about how it is only men who have told me that I don't know how to talk to people. None of my female friends agree with that assessment and he told me that he felt that I was a great communicator. He said that his interactions with me have shown me to be intelligent and thoughtful when I speak. That means a lot to me. But he also pointed out to me that there is a reason why some of these men feel this way. It is not about me. I have to ask myself why these men chose me as friends or as a girlfriend/wife. What is it about me that attracted them and what is it about them that attracted me. Wow, talk about a can of worms? Sure makes you think. I think that many of us wonder why we are attracted to " bad boys" but have we really given much thought as to why some of these men are attracted to us? I know that I didn't think all that much about it. Not to say that I didn't but I was more concerned about why I was attracted to THEM. But looking at it the other way is REALLY illuminating. I highly recommend doing that if you've had a series of relationships that you are trying to figure out how you got into some of them. I know that it gave me so much to think about and to compare. Because truthfully, all of the men I have been involved with in one way or another has mom issues. They seem to be attracted to me because I want to take care of them like a mom, but I also take abuse like a mom as well. You know the whole loving unconditionally thing. Or liking as the case may be. I have gone back over male friendships as well as relationships and I find the same thing. Super bizarro! I think I am attracted to them because of their strength and knowing that they could take care of me.
Those are small bits of wisdom to impart in this blog but wow does it make you think about a lot, especially when you are my age. So think about it. If there are any men who are reading this, think of this about women you've been involved with as friends or lovers. It is truly enlightening, at least it was to me. I am still thinking about it!
So this blog I will leave you with that thought as well as this video from " The Crow"...au revoir my readers and again I will TRY to be better at not sucking! My therapist will be on vacation for a week after my next visit so who knows what I can come up with on my own, but I have some ideas and they are salacious!
Yes, I know....it's been a long time my friends...lots going on in my life and yet not a damn thing going on.I was ill for a bit and now I'm back. So, does anyone remember this book of which I named this blog entry and posted a picture of the cover? When I was a kid growing up in the 60's I remember ordering this little book through the Scholastic Book Club at school. It was a quaint little book that was so simple in it's time. Just pictures of things that make kids happy. All of them started as "Happiness is....". Of course Happiness is sleeping in your own bed is a personal favorite. But the warm puppy is the one that always made me smile. Even as an adult I think I can smile at the sentiment. In my mind all dogs are puppies so even my old dog is still a warm puppy to me.
Happiness when you get older is just not so simple. I wish it were. I mean it is not to say that I don't get joy from a warm puppy. I do. I think my dogs make me happier than anything these days, just by being there with their unconditional love. Or perhaps it's more of their conditional response to the one who takes care of them and feeds them. Either way, I love them and they make me happy. Believe me there is a lot to be said for anything to make me happy anymore. I am working hard through my weekly therapy and the effects are shaking me to the core.
Last week I was talking to Dr. H about some things that were pretty usual in my marriage and he said, "..how did you survive that? Seriously, HOW did you survive that?" And I answered, "I don't know, probably my kids.". They were all that saved me from certain suicide. There were so many times that I wanted to die. I stayed around for them. Someone had to take care of them. If I killed myself they would end up with him and his family and that would not have been good at all. It took me a long time to get out of the relationship and left my two older ones with scars. I wish I had gotten out sooner, but I wish a lot of things and that doesn't get me anywhere. Dr. H assured me that I am a very strong person and I know I've heard this a lot. But you know what is bad about being a strong person? Eventually even being strong gets old and you start to crack like a centuries old building. Eventually, the foundation begins to crumble and everything falls down. I am in that process right now.
I hear it is a good thing to be strong and to feel vulnerable. Both seem on different sides of the coin to me, but I guess they aren't. Last night I found myself sobbing pitifully because someone not only hurt my feelings but then told me that he laughed when I tried to tell him that I am fragile. He, along with others in my life, tell me I am the strongest person they know. They tick through the things I've been through, trust me Dr. H is probably the only one who knows EVERYTHING I've been through if that, and they tell me again how strong I am. Well with that strength comes fragility, no one can be that strong forever. Eventually everything held back in that strength of a dam is going to come falling through. Right now I feel like Humpty Dumpty sitting on that wall waiting for the slightest breeze to blow me over and crack me open. There is a big difference between being strong and being indestructible. I may be strong, but I bleed and I feel and I can die just like everyone else. Remember that next time you see the "strong" person who has been through so much and are so strong. We all have our limits. With my therapy going so well I am actually in more danger of falling than ever before. Every layer that is peeled away makes me more fragile. One thing that I did learn is that I have to be extra careful these days. It seems that my ex was right, I don't know how to talk to people. I was attacked by someone for something that I said that I thought was a response to a joke and apparently I said it wrong and was skewered for it. It hurt my feelings so badly and then to realize that only men have ever taken me wrong leads me to believe that I will never be able to be in a relationship ever again because I obviously don't know how to talk to men without them taking what I say wrong. I am too old to learn this game anymore. I don't want to. Now of course I can't segregate myself from men unless I join a convent, but then you've got the priests so I'm pretty screwed. But at least I have finally realized it. The reason I know this is because only men have ever said this to me, my female friends never understand how anyone could say that to me. But I have finally figured it out after one too many times of not being understood. So there you have it.
Now, I will leave you with the opposite of Happiness is a Warm Puppy....only because when I was looking for the book, I came upon the song which I hadn't listened to in awhile. Of course with the song comes the video and the speculation of meaning which has more to do with sex and drugs than Happiness of spirit. I will try not to wait so long to write my next blog.....
Finally got to watch the Swedish film version of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I've read all three of the books in the Stieg Larsson triology and am thrilled that they are all coming to the big screen and in this case DVD. Of course you'd be lucky to see these on the big screen as you have to live in or near a major city to do so, which I don't. So I was content to watch the movie adaptation on DVD in Swedish in English subtitles. An American version is in the planning stages, but at this point I am not sure how good it could be when stacked up to this film. Especially if they go with Twilight "star" Kristen Stewart...nothing personal but I don't think KStew has the acting chops for a role such as this.
Watching this film was difficult for me as I knew the rape scene in the book mirrored my own in many ways and that made me sit on my couch with my hands fisted beside me. I thank god that the scene was not quite as graphic as the book, but the emotion and pain were still there for the character and for me. I saw myself and it wasn't pleasant. Although I found great satisfaction in her revenge on her rapist. And thankfully the scene was expected so I wasn't surprised.
The thread throughout all of the books is the character of Lisbeth Salander. She is a very young woman who has been through much trauma in her life that has made her seem hard and tough. It is a theme throughout the book. She seems so tough and you have the man who is now closest to her, a reporter name Mikael Blomkvist, still in awe of her. It is obvious to him that she is very smart yet she never shares any of her life with him. I think he looks at her as a fragile little bird that is also fierce and will attack you if you get too close. He wants to know her.
This DVD as well portrays very little about her private life other than her latest trauma that she endures by the hands of her rapist, a man in authority over her life, as well as a brief glimpse of her setting fire to a man (read the books to find out who) and a visit to her mother at the end. It takes the next two books to truly understand the character and how the trauma she has endured has shaped her the way that it has. It is amazing that she is alive after all she has been through. She is tough because she has to be. But like everything else when you are tough, it is hard to let the good in, to trust. We are all the sum of our experiences, good and bad. Most of us have some form of loss or disappointment or "hard time" that we've been through. So many of us have experienced a lack of nurturing or have been in relationships that have defined our lives. Some of us have had trauma after trauma. At some point you have to ask...how much is too much? Does it depend on the person? I know that my doctor asked me again yesterday, "How did you survive all of this?". The one thing that came to my mind was my children. I tried to give them as good of a life as I could, I failed of course....who can have a good life in a situation like that? But it was better than it could have been. My doctor has told me that I had to be a very strong person to survive and continue to go on with life with all that I have been through. It is only now catching up to me, which is why I am committed to therapy to get the person back that I was before all of this. Impossible to get the naive young woman back, but maybe the less cynical one is there somewhere. One who can be a little more trusting.
I also discussed with him how in my head I know that so many others have been through more than I have, but yet I know that it doesn't diminish what I have been though myself. I have known that for a long time. And like he said, there is always someone who has been through more. But again, that doesn't erase what has happened to me.
We also discussed the fact that I have a hard time letting go of people who have hurt me and aren't good for me. I have a problem in that I look at others and think that they are like me so I figure they would be as honest and truthful as I am. Well I have now seen how much that is true. I have someone that bullied me online and because we are supposed to be "friends" I give him the benefit of the doubt. But the fact that he reminds me so very much of my ex is causing me, aided by my therapist, to realize that this relationship is not good for me. Dr. H asked me why I didn't drop him from my friends list and I said I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He said that he probably wouldn't be hurt, I would be hurt if someone did that to me, but judging by the way this guy was treating me I have come to the conclusion that he would be more mad than hurt. In fact hurt probably wouldn't even enter into the equation. My doctor has left it to me to make the decision, he made that very clear. I had to think about it and I realized that all this guy has done is made me feel like crap and try to bully me just like my ex used to do. I don't need that in my life, I got rid of that a long time ago. So.....he will be leaving my friends list soon. My decision. It is time to speak up for myself and get rid of those in my life who do not have respect for me. I am not a bad person and I deserve some respect. I am kind and I never intentionally hurt anyone. So I deserve to be surrounded by people like myself and that is my plan.
I don't need anymore trauma and believe me, trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. Again. I strongly recommend the Stieg Larsson triology of books as well as the films. I can't wait until the other films come out on DVD, I am on it!
Here are previews of all of the films for you.....If you want to read the books, which I recommend....on the right hand side is the Amazon links, I have all of the books on there. That is where I get all of my books! :-)
I was watching this video on You Tube and I have to say that this is very much my experience with PTSD. I recently I had an situation on Facebook where someone took my confession of PTSD as a joke. He didn't take what I was saying seriously. It hurt me deeply. For one thing it totally reminded me of how my ex-husband would react. For another it is just another example of someone, usually male I am sorry to say, that thinks it's bull and doesn't realize that this affects the sufferers every day life. For those who are unfamiliar with this condition, I am including the video I was watching as it describes my symptoms pretty well and if you are a sufferer or know someone who is, talk to them. This may help you to understand what we go through. This will be the shortest entry in my blog. I feel the doctor says it best, so I have no more to say right now.
The only thing that I can add is to educate others around you. Some people are ignorant about this disorder through no fault of their own and there are others who are ignorant because if they don't see the illness, so to them it doesn't exist. Sad for those of us who suffer this daily and have to deal with those who can't see or understand it and wonder why we don't suck it up or forget about it. We wish we could, truly. We do not like living this way and we would do anything to change it. Some of us are lucky enough to be able to get therapy. It has taken me over a decade to get the proper help as my trauma's are multiple. I only now have insurance to get the help. Thank god.
