When it rains, it pours and pours and pours and won't ever stop...

Man, if it isn't always something! Kick me when I'm down why dontcha. I am just trying to make it to go back to work and it seems like there is a conspiracy to make me crazy....or is that keep me crazy? It just seems like everything just keeps going wrong and I don't know how much more I can handle. I have never felt so helpless. This time it's my car. Now I have been having problems with it the past month or two...or should I say my daughter has because I don't even drive it except to see my doctor every 2 weeks. Well we keep replacing things, hoping that it will fix the problem. So far, nothing has worked. We don't have any money to fix anything else, seriously. Now I THOUGHT we might have had the problem solved and those hopes just got dashed.

I was already thinking about selling my car, an SUV, as it was, I was looking for something smaller...but it has back due registration, the air conditioner doesn't work ($800 to fix), and the windshield has a big crack in it (at the bottom, thankfully). Anyway, my son's friends sister asked my son if I wanted to sell my car yesterday or the day before. Now her boyfriend who lives with her is a mechanic so she had no problem with the issues and she knew about the registration. So I thought about it and after my daughter called me telling me that the last thing we fixed on it yesterday STILL didn't fix the problem I said "YES!". Well my son just informed me that she no longer wants to buy the car. Seems she got into trouble at work today so I am assuming that she is worried about her job now. Anyway, she said that she no longer wants to buy it. Now, do I believe this? I don't know, I guess prior experience has made me skeptical. One thing I DO know is that I have had people ask me in the past if I wanted to sell my car (whichever one I had at the time) and the same thing has happened to my kids about their cars. People sound interested and they ask....then when you take them up on it, all of a sudden they have every excuse in the book for why they can't. Hey people if you are interested, say "Let me know if you ever want to sell your car, can't guarantee that I'll buy it but ask me first OK?". Now THAT is the way to do it. Not act all interested and tell someone that you want to buy their car and then as soon as they say OK...say oh no I can't....That is just not right. I'm not saying this is the case here....just saying that it is an experience I'm familiar with.



So now I am really in a bad situation, more so than before. My daughter's car is still broken and she needs to get to school and work. I am supposed to go back to work the first couple of days of January....now how am I going to get there....great, just great. It just seems like I can't catch a break! It's just one thing after another after another.....DAMMIT! I really don't know what I am going to do in the short term not to mention the long term. I mean the car's air conditioning already doesn't work. I was originally thinking of selling it just for that reason alone....but I would keep it if I had to but I can't afford even the smallest car repair right now. My son paid for some of the recent repair and my daughter paid for some of the last repair. It is only fair since she is the one driving it. But she can't keep paying for this and I can't...so I don't know what I am going to do now....


I just truly don't know how many more setbacks I can handle. I mean in the scheme of things this isn't so bad...IF I WAS WORKING! But with only living off of disability and food stamps (a whole $37 worth of those!) I am barely surviving as it is....to try to fix the car too???? Like I said, if I was working it wouldn't be so bad. I mean one of the parts is like $40, if it another part then I am looking at almost $200, which I pray it isn't that! But I have no way of knowing until we put the part in. Not like you can take these parts back either....*sigh*

You know what is sad? I was finally working myself into another mode, preparing to go back to work....trying to find a way to deal with that....then I was looking into trying to fix some of the financial messes I've gotten into since being on disability. So I was going in the right direction....I am trying so damn hard and I feel like no matter how hard I try the fates are conspiring against me. I mean karma is kicking my ass from years ago. My hormones are NOT helping my depression either. I figured out some ways to deal with some of these issues. But when you get to a certain point....it's like I just want to give up!!!!! I have been through much worse things, don't get me wrong....I am just much more vulnerable now that I've been breaking down my walls in therapy. Makes me begin to wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes I wonder if my mother used to cry when she was dealing with this kind of stuff. I don't really remember her ever crying about anything, maybe she cried when her dad died....She just never showed that kind of thing to me. Maybe she cried to my dad....although I never heard her cry. I saw her depressed A LOT. Always deep in thought. My mom spent most of her days, when she wasn't actually doing some chore or errand or volunteer work, she would be pacing in the house, in the kitchen, listening to the radio and drinking a beer. She would nurse that beer for HOURS. She was an unusual alcoholic in that she didn't get drunk. She drank every single day, but never got drunk. It is really weird. She was still a great mom considering all of the abuse she suffered as a child. She always tried her best with me. I never, ever doubted that she loved me. Of that I will forever be grateful. 

Well I think that is enough for now....just got off of the phone with my son who seems convinced that I can still sell my car to someone on Craig's List....umm I doubt it....even I wouldn't buy my car. It is a great car, don't get me wrong....but with not knowing what the problem is and knowing that the AC doesn't work, the registration is behind, AND the windshield is cracked....ummm nope, wouldn't buy it. But my son did say that he will buy me a new fuel filter and we will see if that is the problem. It is the last "cheap" thing we can try.....I hope that is it.....*sigh*

Never enough time and life will not stop for me!

I know, it's been awhile...I have been having a hard time writing....hell I've been having a hard time doing anything. Life is just a big bowl of suck right now. By the way, please excuse any typos or words that don't belong....that is a part of what is sucking right now...kinda goes with what seems like a nervous breakdown or something.  Not even sure where to begin on this blog, too much has been going on inside my head and around me to even contemplate writing about, unless I want to sit here for a few days extrapolating on all that has gone wrong. Not to mention the fact that I really wanted this blog to be helpful and sometimes I wonder how helpful it is to bitch about my life.

But no matter what, I have to write. I just wish I could be motivated more to do so. So, lets start by saying that life has been hard lately...harder than usual. Too much stress. Without going into details, due to circumstances beyond my control, my rent was late this month. Which culminated in extreme stress as well as a large financial burden. Because I was late I was charged a 10% late fee....so I didn't have money as it was and now I had to find a way to come up with another $76.00+. So I ended up being short, between the late fee and my daughter (who is also my roommate) not being able to come up with all of the money she owed me, we were $120.00 short. First we were $20 short and I was freaking on that...but then my youngest son, who was living out of town, was going to lend it to me. He also was supposed to lend my oldest daughter the 2nd half of the money that she owed me for my TV that she was buying from me, that money was to go to me so that I could make the whole rent and she would pay him back. So he was supposed to give me $120...well his unemployment check didn't come, seems there was a snafu at the unemployment office and so he was going to have to wait for a phone interview. This caused me not to be able to pay $120 and also caused him to have to move back home because he had no money to pay for where he was going to live. So I was facing a major dilemma. I received a "you have 3 days to pay or else surrender the premises" notice, which I have NEVER gotten in my life. The last time I was late on a rent payment was like 20 years ago. So I was freaking out to say the least. Then an angel, by way of a very, very good friend of mine...bought enough stuff in my eBay store to cover what I was lacking. This was the 2nd friend who offered to help me get the money together. One friend offered to give me the money when it was $20, actually she pretty much insisted on it, but then my son had already told me that he had it. Of course all of that fell through and there was no way I would have asked anyone for that kind of money. I was overwhelmed to say the least when my other friend bought the items in my store. It made me cry when I saw what she had done. But because I sold her items I didn't feel like it was a handout. I still felt bad in the sense that I had to rely on someone else to help me and this isn't the first time this friend has helped me out with different things. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me. I am so grateful to have friends like these. I really didn't know what I was going to do this month. I was desperate to sell things and had dropped the price of one of my items to rock bottom trying to pay the rent. I have never been more scared of losing my place to live as I was then. But thanks to my friend we were able to take care of the rent and this WILL NOT happen again! I have put my daughter on notice about that!

I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind lately, I mean literally. My emotions are at the surface which they haven't been for so many years. It is scary. I cry a lot, something I haven't done since I was a kid. The pressure I have been under both financially and emotionally is more than I can bear really. I have been losing time lately, something that my doctor calls disassociating. It is not normal for me at all. It started when my ex-fiance came out to visit last month and has continued since then. Although, thankfully not as much. My therapist attributes it to the excessive stress that I am under. I mean, my disability is due to run out in a couple of months and I have to go to a job that I am pretty sure is going to fire me not long after I get back. They have a history of doing that so I expect it actually. So I am looking for work and trying to deal with deep emotional traumas from my past. Not a good combination. The timing really sucks. I wish I had started seeing this therapist sooner. Perhaps I would have been farther along. The visit from my ex set me back quite a bit, but it was actually a really good thing in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. Things that I needed to deal with, although they hurt tremendously. 

On Monday I will be going in to the county where I live for a full on evaluation that will take several hours. Yay? The good part is that it is the stepping stone to getting back on my medication. Right now I have been without it for at least a couple of months and it is BAD. It has affected me in a really bad way and so getting back on them is paramount. So while it is a hassle it is also something that I need desperately. I really need to be back on them, especially when I am trying to get on with my life and get back to work. Struggling every day to stay alive is NOT my idea of a good time. The medication really makes a difference.

So with all of that said I think I am going to conclude this blog for the night.....it is a lot to take in and believe me, this isn't even the half of what is going on in my life. But it is taking too much out of me to go on right now.....so until next time!



J & C Club Edit....

How Much Trauma is Too Much Trauma?

Finally got to watch the Swedish film version of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I've read all three of the books in the Stieg Larsson triology and am thrilled that they are all coming to the big screen and in this case DVD. Of course you'd be lucky to see these on the big screen as you have to live in or near a major city to do so, which I don't. So I was content to watch the movie adaptation on DVD in Swedish in English subtitles. An American version is in the planning stages, but at this point I am not sure how good it could be when stacked up to this film. Especially if they go with Twilight "star" Kristen Stewart...nothing personal but I don't think KStew has the acting chops for a role such as this.

 Watching this film was difficult for me as I knew the rape scene in the book mirrored my own in many ways and that made me sit on my couch with my hands fisted beside me. I thank god that the scene was not quite as graphic as the book, but the emotion and pain were still there for the character and for me. I saw myself and it wasn't pleasant. Although I found great satisfaction in her revenge on her rapist. And thankfully the scene was expected so I wasn't surprised.

The thread throughout all of the books is the character of Lisbeth Salander. She is a very young woman who has been through much trauma in her life that has made her seem hard and tough. It is a theme throughout the book. She seems so tough and you have the man who is now closest to her, a reporter name Mikael Blomkvist, still in awe of her. It is obvious to him that she is very smart yet she never shares any of her life with him. I think he looks at her as a fragile little bird that is also fierce and will attack you if you get too close. He wants to know her.

This DVD as well portrays very little about her private life other than her latest trauma that she endures by the hands of her rapist, a man in authority over her life, as well as a brief glimpse of her setting fire to a man (read the books to find out who) and a visit to her mother at the end. It takes the next two books to truly understand the character and how the trauma she has endured has shaped her the way that it has. It is amazing that she is alive after all she has been through. She is tough because she has to be. But like everything else when you are tough, it is hard to let the good in, to trust.

We are all the sum of our experiences, good and bad. Most of us have some form of loss or disappointment or "hard time" that we've been through. So many of us have experienced a lack of nurturing or have been in relationships that have defined our lives. Some of us have had trauma after trauma. At some point you have to ask...how much is too much? Does it depend on the person? I know that my doctor asked me again yesterday, "How did you survive all of this?". The one thing that came to my mind was my children. I tried to give them as good of a life as I could, I failed of course....who can have a good life in a situation like that? But it was better than it could have been. My doctor has told me that I had to be a very strong person to survive and continue to go on with life with all that I have been through. It is only now catching up to me, which is why I am committed to therapy to get the person back that I was before all of this. Impossible to get the naive young woman back, but maybe the less cynical one is there somewhere. One who can be a little more trusting.

I also discussed with him how in my head I know that so many others have been through more than I have, but yet I know that it doesn't diminish what I have been though myself. I have known that for a long time. And like he said, there is always someone who has been through more. But again, that doesn't erase what has happened to me.
 
We also discussed the fact that I have a hard time letting go of people who have hurt me and aren't good for me. I have a problem in that I look at others and think that they are like me so I figure they would be as honest and truthful as I am. Well I have now seen how much that is true. I have someone that bullied me online and because we are supposed to be "friends" I give him the benefit of the doubt. But the fact that he reminds me so very much of my ex is causing me, aided by my therapist, to realize that this relationship is not good for me. Dr. H asked me why I didn't drop him from my friends list and I said I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He said that he probably wouldn't be hurt, I would be hurt if someone did that to me, but judging by the way this guy was treating me I have come to the conclusion that he would be more mad than hurt. In fact hurt probably wouldn't even enter into the equation. My doctor has left it to me to make the decision, he made that very clear. I had to think about it and I realized that all this guy has done is made me feel like crap and try to bully me just like my ex used to do. I don't need that in my life, I got rid of that a long time ago. So.....he will be leaving my friends list soon. My decision. It is time to speak up for myself and get rid of those in my life who do not have respect for me. I am not a bad person and I deserve some respect. I am kind and I never intentionally hurt anyone. So I deserve to be surrounded by people like myself and that is my plan.

I don't need anymore trauma and believe me, trauma comes in all shapes and sizes.

Again. I strongly recommend the Stieg Larsson triology of books as well as the films. I can't wait until the other films come out on DVD, I am on it!

Here are previews of all of the films for you.....If you want to read the books, which I recommend....on the right hand side is the Amazon links, I have all of the books on there. That is where I get all of my books! :-)

Give these a watch.....

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo


The Girl Who Played With Fire
 

The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest

What is PTSD? This may help to understand.....

I was watching this video on You Tube and I have to say that this is very much my experience with PTSD. I recently I had an situation on Facebook where someone took my confession of PTSD as a joke. He didn't take what I was saying seriously. It hurt me deeply. For one thing it totally reminded me of how my ex-husband would react. For another it is just another example of someone, usually male I am sorry to say, that thinks it's bull and doesn't realize that this affects the sufferers every day life. For those who are unfamiliar with this condition, I am including the video I was watching as it describes my symptoms pretty well and if you are a sufferer or know someone who is, talk to them. This may help you to understand what we go through. This will be the shortest entry in my blog. I feel the doctor says it best, so I have no more to say right now. 

The only thing that I can add is to educate others around you. Some people are ignorant about this disorder through no fault of their own and there are others who are ignorant because if they don't see the illness, so to them it doesn't exist. Sad for those of us who suffer this daily and have to deal with those who can't see or understand it and wonder why we don't suck it up or forget about it. We wish we could, truly. We do not like living this way and we would do anything to change it. Some of us are lucky enough to be able to get therapy. It has taken me over a decade to get the proper help as my trauma's are multiple. I only now have insurance to get the help. Thank god.