I'm Still Alive.....

As you can tell by the fact that I am writing this blog, I am still here, still alive. Not always easy but this life has never been. 

After the last blog one of my friends reached out to me. My blog made her cry, she said that she had no idea I was feeling that way. She and I both cried together. She asked me what she could do to help me and if she did anything to cause me to feel this way. Like I told her (this is good for anyone who knows someone who is going through this) just calling or keeping in some kind of contact helps. Just hearing about her life a little bit helped. Most of the time though there isn't a whole lot that can be done. No one can get into anyone's head nor can the person who's suffering tell you how to make it better. We don't know how. My going to therapy WILL make it better in time. I am praying for that day. But for the moment it is like being behind a soundproof glass window and watching all of the happy normal people walk by. It is hard and some days are better than others. As a woman we also have to be careful that our hormones don't overwhelm us which is much of what happened when I wrote my last blog post. It intensified all of the horrible feelings I was feeling. I wish I could have realized it then instead of now. I don't know how much it would have helped, but maybe it would have helped me get through it a little easier. I did have a birthday last week as well and I had birthday greetings from a lot of people so I felt good about that as well. One thing I can say is that there is one difference between my father who committed suicide and me....when my friends as well as my family tell me what a difference I make in their lives, it makes me pause before doing something so final that I can't take back. My father's suicide will continue to haunt me and I honestly thought that it would keep me from seriously thinking about it myself. Unfortunately time is showing me that it is not necessarily the case, although I am sure it keeps me alive longer. It is the depression and hopelessness that drives the suicidal mind. When you don't think that you can get out. When there is no hope in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, when you think you don't matter.....even if people you love tell you that you do.....that is when you think you and your family are better off without you. I have learned that with this latest bout. Logically I know they won't be, I've been there, but the hopelessness and despair doesn't go away just because you want it to. It is something that I have to fight every single day, if I give up as my dad did then I will not make it. So I will do my best to stay in the game. The game that is life. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of fight, but it also takes determination and support. It is hard to go it alone. 

I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and then my Psychiatrist the next day. I have to let my Psychiatrist know that I can't see him anymore because I don't have insurance. Sucks. Then next week I will go to the county and see someone there. It's almost like starting over yet again. *sigh*

My ex-fiance is coming to visit from out of state in a couple of weeks or so. That should be interesting. I've never had an ex visit like this. We were very good friends so I am hoping this is a positive experience for both of us, which I am pretty sure it will be. We're not sure what we are going to do yet, he is making the plans. I just hope that I am not too down when he comes to see me as it will be around "that" time when I get down and out. Maybe our hanging out will eliminate the issue this month. I hope so. I miss him, we always had fun together. 

Well I am getting ready to go to bed. I have been having a very hard time sleeping lately again so I am hoping that tonight will be the exception....probably not, but I can always hope.

I leave you with a video from Pearl Jam.....have a good week and I'll see you next time....that's positive thinking, right?

Losing Myself....

The title of this blog pretty much says it all. I feel as though my life has left me, I miss what used to be my life. I felt like it had some meaning. Now I'm just going through the motions, trying to fight the good fight and losing terribly. I feel alone and abandoned by the world, disconnected from even the most basic of feelings other than sorrow, despair, hurt, and pain. I am thankful for the couple of friends I have or else I don't know what I would do. It is that little thread that is keeping me tied to this world. As you can tell by this post my depression is winning the war. At some point I am going to lose my ability to do the most basic things because right now I am fighting just to get up out of bed. Of course I'm not sleeping much at all which I'm sure isn't helping right now. 

  Dr. H has talked to me about my guilt, he said the guilt is masking things and I know what it is masking. Hurt, pain, and anger...rage even. This sucks more than anything, I hate these feelings. Before I got better for awhile (a few years ago) I was feeling a lot of anger. I mean every single day I was angry and/or depressed. Then by some miracle I snapped out of it and became a different person for a few years...not enough years because now I am back to that hopeless person again. I hate it so much. I don't want to feel this way but I know I have to stop masking it and deal with it. But it is so very hard. All I want to do is die right now. I am tired both physically and emotionally. I've lost the connection with pretty much everyone I know. Both physically and emotionally. No one knows me anymore. I feel as though I would not be missed by more than a handful of the people I know. Four of those are my kids. I feel useless and I feel like no matter what I say or do it isn't right. 

  Of course it doesn't help that every time I read posts on the internet regarding news stories or even some Facebook postings it makes me feel like the world is made up of hate more than love. Why in the hell would I want to stick around for this? I can't bear this. I know I am not the only person who feels this way, don't get me wrong. It appears to be a pity party and sometimes I want to slap my own face....sometimes I do. This doesn't negate what I am feeling. I am depressed, I am tired, and I feel like I'm already dead inside. It sucks to feel this way. I feel as though I am getting worse instead of better so I have to remind myself that my doctor told me that this would happen. But ya know what, even though I know that it doesn't stop me from feeling totally and utterly alone. Where the hell are the voices in my head??? It's all quiet in there and that may be good...maybe it's the eye of the storm which would mean this is half over, right? Get through the other half and then I'm home free? I sure hope so because if I fall much further I don't know if I will be able to get out.

Here is some song lyrics with the song posted right after that REALLY embody so much of how I'm feeling. Sorry the video isn't really a video but an album cover but the song is good. I like it, even if it is depressing. For anyone who may actually read this, writing helps me even if it is negative like this. I'm sorry for being such a downer but it is part of the journey that I promised you with this blog. You are going to get the bad with the good.

Losing time
counting hours
I'll never see myself again
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Closing down
I expect the hopelessness
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
and that's all I need

I am lost
I feel I am sinking now
like I was made of rain

Like a wave I roll into the endless night

I am not afraid
as the darkness starts
to make its way
I breathe as hard as you
as I end my day
I sigh and shelter
as I try to sink that deep
as deepas you and make sure
that I won't fall asleep

Losing days
I need no hours
I'll never be myself again
And even though it's killing me
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Wow, that was a surprise that threw me for an emotional loop.

Well here I was spending the day reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", a very long book that is being made into a movie, when low and behold I read a rape scene that was very much what I experienced myself. To say that it threw me is an understatement. Although, I wish I could have had the revenge that the girl had in the book, it was sweeeeeeeeet! 

  So damn if I don't get PTSD triggers from something so mundane. God knows I will have to tell my doctor and then he will want to delve into the rape. We've talked about it before but haven't gotten has far as we could in discussing it. I think he senses that I'm not altogether ready to talk about all of the details. I speak about it in an un-emotional way right now, like it was just something that happened, like skinning my knee while riding my bike. It is a part of my defense mechanism I guess. Keep the feelings at a distance. Brick them up behind a wall that no one can access. Of course my wall does not discriminate, everything seems to go behind it. It protects my heart. My heart is walled off in the middle and there is a barrier around it, all of my stuff goes in the area between the barrier and the wall. It is weird to describe it.

  Anyone who experiences trauma finds a way to deal with it. Some create "alters" which are other personalities, which is quite rare. Some of us find other ways to deal with it, forget about it or let it remain front and center in our lives. Me, I tried to put it all behind me and lock it up. Well the problem with that is that I put everything behind that wall the good as well as the bad so that I have a hard time feeling joy as well as sorrow. It really sucks not to be able to feel. It has to be a SERIOUS and very strong feeling for me to feel it. Anger is an easily accessible emotion, that is what my therapist told me...it's a kind of "go to" emotion for me. 

  I was triggered to anger a little over a year ago. I was at a concert with some of my closest friends, and a couple of my kids, when I got into a fight with a woman after the show. It was really stupid and I didn't do anything to provoke it. The woman was drunk and basically thought I had stolen something from her that she couldn't find after the show. She kept telling me that she wasn't accusing me yet she kept asking me if she could look in my purse. The more she asked the angrier I got. I had started off helping her look for the item that she lost. Well when she accused me it was a trigger for my PTSD, which took on the form of an anger bordering on rage. I tried walking away from her and she kept following me so I started yelling at her. This is not normally something that I would do, I was ready to punch her in the face. I am not a violent person but the trigger was there and I fired with some pretty angry words. Had she touched me I don't know what I would have done and that scares me. I never realized that what she did was a trigger. It goes back to my ex-husband who would accuse me of stuff that I didn't do. He would badger me relentlessly, keeping me awake all night until I "confessed", which I would sometimes do just because I was so tired and exhausted. It was a form of torture I realize now. My therapist is the one who made me realize that the whole incident was a trigger. 

  It really sucks to have triggers all around you. It is probably why I don't leave the house much anymore. I've lost most of my friends. Not in a bad, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" way, but because I don't go anywhere anymore. Part of the reason is truly financial and other normal reasons, but I don't even talk on the phone with my friends anymore. I am sure they are tired of my life being such a downer but also because I probably don't have a lot to contribute anymore. I mean I don't go anywhere or do anything other than mundane things. I don't like leaving the house because I feel safe at home and don't want to encounter a "trigger" that may get me into trouble. 

  Through therapy I should be able to get through this and have a more normal life again. I miss my life so much. I used to have so much fun for a few years and then slowly I started moving back downhill again. The job at the Call Center just pushed me over the edge. Now I am hoping to get through this and find myself again. I am so much fun when I'm not wallowing in despair....really I am.....lol