I feel as though I am only an observer in life, no longer a participant. It is shocking and sad not to think of a future. I mean, I'd like to think I have one...but as I get older, with the PTSD being so bad right now, I no longer look to the future as a time of unknown possibilities. I spoke to an old man once who told me that he no longer looked to the future, he said he was just waiting to die, said there wasn't anything else to look forward to. Even in my current condition I am struggling and trying to look forward to something, anything....One thing that happens, unbidden, I think of things I should have done. Just pops into my head, "oh damn I should have done this!". I don't get all maudlin about it, I just think..."dammit that would have been great, I wish I had thought of that. Why didn't I think of doing that?". I have to tell you, it SUCKS!
Right now I am just waiting....I am due to go back to work on Jan. 3rd, I am resigned to that. I don't want to, I have to say. Not because of work per se, mainly because I will have only been on my medication for a week before I go back. That isn't a lot of time. I am worried. But it can't be helped, I can't get into see the county doc until the end of December. So I am not going back to work in the optimum physical and mental state. With all that is going on with the world and the hostility I see every single day, it not only worries me, but it scares me. I don't know that I can handle it. But I have to try. At least until something else comes along. I have starting working on another blogging project and it seems like it could be interesting. It is part of a social experiment I'm doing. I like it because it interests me and I can see potential in it. It grew out of frustration. I look at it as a positive outlet for a lot of my anger. I am interested to see how it goes. I am trying desperately to restart my return to society as it were. I need something that will give me a little pleasure, something to focus on besides my depression. I recently corresponded with a friend of mine who sounds like she is going through much of what I am. I felt so badly. I feel just like she does. How common is this? She is not on medication either. I am here to tell you that some of us desperately NEED medication. It really helps. It is painful not to be on it. People don't realize that medication for people with disorders such as PTSD or depression or anxiety is an essential treatment. Without it we are in horrible pain. Not necessarily physical, although that actually can happen depending on your disorder, but emotional and mental pain. I feel it every day. Like a headache, some days the pain is more severe than others. This morning the pain caused me to have issues with breathing, because I was feeling panic coming on. No rhyme or reason, it just happened. There is not always a known trigger, sometimes it just happens. It starts with anxiety and graduates to panic. Thankfully I caught it both times and was able to get it under control with slow, deep breathing. It is painful, it truly is. Imagine suddenly feeling like you are going to die. Literally. I am just glad that I didn't have to resort to medication as I only have a handful of anti-anxiety medication left. By that I mean, about 5 pills. I always used them sparingly, which is why I still have some left. I haven't been on medication for many months so I am lucky that I handle my meds in this way. So if I can just get through the next month and a half I might just make it. Of course it seems like I can't tell how it is going to go one day to the next.
I am so glad that I am going to see my therapist Tuesday. We really need to get down to the nitty gritty with my therapy. I have to be able to conquer more things before I go back to work. I want to get to the bottom of my issues and it just seems like I keep dealing with what is happening right NOW. That is all well and good but a lot of what is going on right now has it's roots in my past. I am really needing to focus on these things so that I can truly get past them and maybe it will be a little easier to cope with things that are going on right now. I think a lot about my past. Things that I did and didn't do, things that happened and how I dealt with them, or in some cases didn't deal with them. I don't think I have enough time to fully deal with so much that has happened in my life. I mean my doctor has seen trauma in my life that I didn't even realize was traumatic until he mentioned it and I realized how bad it was. I mean, I was always in such a hurry to get through stuff. As a child the trauma's I went through just became bad things in my life that I tried to forget. As an adult I was too busy with kids and staying alive in my marriage to deal with all of the trauma I was experiencing. I didn't have the time and it has caught up to me in a big way as these things tend to do. I think that is why I am falling apart right now. It was just too much to keep inside anymore. Now I am an open wound. It is scary. I need to deal and move on. I will probably be in therapy for many, many years at this point. Although some trauma's are tied to others so maybe I can cut some of the time off? lol.
Well I think this entry is long enough. I know that not many people read this. But those who do...thank you. I hope that if you are a friend that maybe you understand me a little better. If you are an impartial observer, I hope that my sharing my struggles help you to see that you are not alone.
I know, it's been awhile...I have been having a hard time writing....hell I've been having a hard time doing anything. Life is just a big bowl of suck right now. By the way, please excuse any typos or words that don't belong....that is a part of what is sucking right now...kinda goes with what seems like a nervous breakdown or something. Not even sure where to begin on this blog, too much has been going on inside my head and around me to even contemplate writing about, unless I want to sit here for a few days extrapolating on all that has gone wrong. Not to mention the fact that I really wanted this blog to be helpful and sometimes I wonder how helpful it is to bitch about my life.
But no matter what, I have to write. I just wish I could be motivated more to do so. So, lets start by saying that life has been hard lately...harder than usual. Too much stress. Without going into details, due to circumstances beyond my control, my rent was late this month. Which culminated in extreme stress as well as a large financial burden. Because I was late I was charged a 10% late fee....so I didn't have money as it was and now I had to find a way to come up with another $76.00+. So I ended up being short, between the late fee and my daughter (who is also my roommate) not being able to come up with all of the money she owed me, we were $120.00 short. First we were $20 short and I was freaking on that...but then my youngest son, who was living out of town, was going to lend it to me. He also was supposed to lend my oldest daughter the 2nd half of the money that she owed me for my TV that she was buying from me, that money was to go to me so that I could make the whole rent and she would pay him back. So he was supposed to give me $120...well his unemployment check didn't come, seems there was a snafu at the unemployment office and so he was going to have to wait for a phone interview. This caused me not to be able to pay $120 and also caused him to have to move back home because he had no money to pay for where he was going to live. So I was facing a major dilemma. I received a "you have 3 days to pay or else surrender the premises" notice, which I have NEVER gotten in my life. The last time I was late on a rent payment was like 20 years ago. So I was freaking out to say the least. Then an angel, by way of a very, very good friend of mine...bought enough stuff in my eBay store to cover what I was lacking. This was the 2nd friend who offered to help me get the money together. One friend offered to give me the money when it was $20, actually she pretty much insisted on it, but then my son had already told me that he had it. Of course all of that fell through and there was no way I would have asked anyone for that kind of money. I was overwhelmed to say the least when my other friend bought the items in my store. It made me cry when I saw what she had done. But because I sold her items I didn't feel like it was a handout. I still felt bad in the sense that I had to rely on someone else to help me and this isn't the first time this friend has helped me out with different things. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me. I am so grateful to have friends like these. I really didn't know what I was going to do this month. I was desperate to sell things and had dropped the price of one of my items to rock bottom trying to pay the rent. I have never been more scared of losing my place to live as I was then. But thanks to my friend we were able to take care of the rent and this WILL NOT happen again! I have put my daughter on notice about that!
I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind lately, I mean literally. My emotions are at the surface which they haven't been for so many years. It is scary. I cry a lot, something I haven't done since I was a kid. The pressure I have been under both financially and emotionally is more than I can bear really. I have been losing time lately, something that my doctor calls disassociating. It is not normal for me at all. It started when my ex-fiance came out to visit last month and has continued since then. Although, thankfully not as much. My therapist attributes it to the excessive stress that I am under. I mean, my disability is due to run out in a couple of months and I have to go to a job that I am pretty sure is going to fire me not long after I get back. They have a history of doing that so I expect it actually. So I am looking for work and trying to deal with deep emotional traumas from my past. Not a good combination. The timing really sucks. I wish I had started seeing this therapist sooner. Perhaps I would have been farther along. The visit from my ex set me back quite a bit, but it was actually a really good thing in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. Things that I needed to deal with, although they hurt tremendously. On Monday I will be going in to the county where I live for a full on evaluation that will take several hours. Yay? The good part is that it is the stepping stone to getting back on my medication. Right now I have been without it for at least a couple of months and it is BAD. It has affected me in a really bad way and so getting back on them is paramount. So while it is a hassle it is also something that I need desperately. I really need to be back on them, especially when I am trying to get on with my life and get back to work. Struggling every day to stay alive is NOT my idea of a good time. The medication really makes a difference.
So with all of that said I think I am going to conclude this blog for the night.....it is a lot to take in and believe me, this isn't even the half of what is going on in my life. But it is taking too much out of me to go on right now.....so until next time!
