I know, it's been awhile...I have been having a hard time writing....hell I've been having a hard time doing anything. Life is just a big bowl of suck right now. By the way, please excuse any typos or words that don't belong....that is a part of what is sucking right now...kinda goes with what seems like a nervous breakdown or something. Not even sure where to begin on this blog, too much has been going on inside my head and around me to even contemplate writing about, unless I want to sit here for a few days extrapolating on all that has gone wrong. Not to mention the fact that I really wanted this blog to be helpful and sometimes I wonder how helpful it is to bitch about my life.
But no matter what, I have to write. I just wish I could be motivated more to do so. So, lets start by saying that life has been hard lately...harder than usual. Too much stress. Without going into details, due to circumstances beyond my control, my rent was late this month. Which culminated in extreme stress as well as a large financial burden. Because I was late I was charged a 10% late fee....so I didn't have money as it was and now I had to find a way to come up with another $76.00+. So I ended up being short, between the late fee and my daughter (who is also my roommate) not being able to come up with all of the money she owed me, we were $120.00 short. First we were $20 short and I was freaking on that...but then my youngest son, who was living out of town, was going to lend it to me. He also was supposed to lend my oldest daughter the 2nd half of the money that she owed me for my TV that she was buying from me, that money was to go to me so that I could make the whole rent and she would pay him back. So he was supposed to give me $120...well his unemployment check didn't come, seems there was a snafu at the unemployment office and so he was going to have to wait for a phone interview. This caused me not to be able to pay $120 and also caused him to have to move back home because he had no money to pay for where he was going to live. So I was facing a major dilemma. I received a "you have 3 days to pay or else surrender the premises" notice, which I have NEVER gotten in my life. The last time I was late on a rent payment was like 20 years ago. So I was freaking out to say the least. Then an angel, by way of a very, very good friend of mine...bought enough stuff in my eBay store to cover what I was lacking. This was the 2nd friend who offered to help me get the money together. One friend offered to give me the money when it was $20, actually she pretty much insisted on it, but then my son had already told me that he had it. Of course all of that fell through and there was no way I would have asked anyone for that kind of money. I was overwhelmed to say the least when my other friend bought the items in my store. It made me cry when I saw what she had done. But because I sold her items I didn't feel like it was a handout. I still felt bad in the sense that I had to rely on someone else to help me and this isn't the first time this friend has helped me out with different things. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me. I am so grateful to have friends like these. I really didn't know what I was going to do this month. I was desperate to sell things and had dropped the price of one of my items to rock bottom trying to pay the rent. I have never been more scared of losing my place to live as I was then. But thanks to my friend we were able to take care of the rent and this WILL NOT happen again! I have put my daughter on notice about that!
I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind lately, I mean literally. My emotions are at the surface which they haven't been for so many years. It is scary. I cry a lot, something I haven't done since I was a kid. The pressure I have been under both financially and emotionally is more than I can bear really. I have been losing time lately, something that my doctor calls disassociating. It is not normal for me at all. It started when my ex-fiance came out to visit last month and has continued since then. Although, thankfully not as much. My therapist attributes it to the excessive stress that I am under. I mean, my disability is due to run out in a couple of months and I have to go to a job that I am pretty sure is going to fire me not long after I get back. They have a history of doing that so I expect it actually. So I am looking for work and trying to deal with deep emotional traumas from my past. Not a good combination. The timing really sucks. I wish I had started seeing this therapist sooner. Perhaps I would have been farther along. The visit from my ex set me back quite a bit, but it was actually a really good thing in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. Things that I needed to deal with, although they hurt tremendously. On Monday I will be going in to the county where I live for a full on evaluation that will take several hours. Yay? The good part is that it is the stepping stone to getting back on my medication. Right now I have been without it for at least a couple of months and it is BAD. It has affected me in a really bad way and so getting back on them is paramount. So while it is a hassle it is also something that I need desperately. I really need to be back on them, especially when I am trying to get on with my life and get back to work. Struggling every day to stay alive is NOT my idea of a good time. The medication really makes a difference.
So with all of that said I think I am going to conclude this blog for the night.....it is a lot to take in and believe me, this isn't even the half of what is going on in my life. But it is taking too much out of me to go on right now.....so until next time!
Damn if it's not one thing it's another. Trying to balance life and deal with things that are not under my control. Teetering on losing everything. Just so tired of fighting to stay alive when life is determined to kill me. Life is such an asshole! If life was an actual person, he'd be a bully, a BIG one! I wish life WAS a person, then maybe I'd have more of a chance. But right now? Nope not a one.
Been having problems financially, thanks to being on disability and also because my roommate, who happens to be my daughter, has borrowed money that she can't pay back right now.....well right now happens to be rent time. So I couldn't pay it, I had 5 days to pay it and had hoped that I could squeeze one or two more days and then get the money in there by the time the check cleared the bank. Ya see I had to re-up my disability and there were time delays, some my fault, and some because I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor in time. Well I got the paperwork over to my other doctor who took care of it right away. The problem is that it threw off my disability payments, so now I get paid on a different day and it has thrown all of my bills off. Rent being one of them. Well tonight I got a notice saying that I had to pay the rent within three days or surrender possession of the residence, ie: my apartment. Well I had planned on paying it, BUT they are telling me I HAVE to give them a cashiers check. Well #1, the 3rd day, Saturday....I MIGHT have my check if I'm lucky....but the credit union is closed on Saturday and they are the only one I would be able to get the cashiers check from. Unless I get a money order, I guess I could do that....IF my check gets here on Saturday...if it doesn't, what the hell am I supposed to do? Lose this little place? Be homeless? Be the typical mental disorder casualty? Great. Actually I know my son would take me in. But with all that he is going through right now, I really don't want to do that to him. Although on the other hand they need the money that my rent could pay them....but that would leave my youngest daughter with no where to go, unless he took her in too.....not sure that he would want to do that. I know his wife doesn't want me to live there and I don't blame her I guess. Truthfully I don't know that I want to live there anyway....
I am on the verge of losing my storage units with all of my stuff....I have a couple of "opposition to lien"sales things to fill out....but they want me to send them back "certified mail". I don't have the money to send them back. I might be able to get the money to send ONE, but both? I'd have to send them in the same envelope, which I know they don't want me to do....but I don't have a choice. Cashiers Checks, Certified Mail....all of these things because I can't pay...I'm on disability that doesn't cover every bill as it is....yet somehow I am supposed to pay extra money just to tell them I can't pay or in the rent case, to pay something that I couldn't pay on time....great! Life is just kicking my ass at the worst possible time. Really. This sucks more than I can say. What I had to kind of chuckle at is the fact that the rent notice that I got says to actually pay a smaller amount, by less than a dollar, of what I usually pay....what is up with that?????
Well anyway, just kinda had to write this as I feel like the world wants me to leave....I was talking to a friend last night (on the internet, I can't talk on the phone) we worked together at the place I'm on disability leave from. She told me a lot of things that lead me to believe something that I've already suspected. I am probably going to get fired soon after getting back. Nothing personal, but it's a big bank and frankly they can be real assholes when it comes to their employees. Especially when the employee is not there, no matter what the reason, no matter how much back-up you may have.....they will find a way. In these economic times, it's pretty easy to get someone to fill your job. But it also bothers the question, "WHY are they always hiring people?".....it is because they are always firing people, most of it is ridiculous no heart type firings OR the employees quit, because they can't take it anymore. It is a bad place to be in.
Right now I find myself crying pretty much every day. My emotions are just under the surface. Which is actually a good thing, because I have been denying my emotions and not showing them for a very long time. The problem is....it makes me very fragile emotionally. That in turn is making my life very tough right now, not to mention the fact that I need to get another job. But it also shows that my therapy is working. Although I have been set back, I am still learning things and making progress. So even with my progress having been set back, it will still progress....
This is the life of the mentally ill. We do our best and even then there are so many things beyond our control. In a better mindset we could probably handle it. But when you are fragile, like I feel right now......it is a very dangerous and precarious place to be. I DO NOT like it, nor do I recommend it. I can only try to keep from totally losing my mind. If I lose it, I am done forever.....So every single day I fight and fight and fight.....and it sucks. I can only hope that there is indeed a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.....
****WARNING**** Video is of one of my favorite shows: Dexter, which airs on Showtime. Beware, the video has a lot of blood, it traces the murder of Dexter's mother when he was a young child.
Video is from YouTube. This song is pretty great for someone like me.... "despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"
