The Psychiatrist, Dr. G, was first, on Monday. I told him about my overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of dread that I had last week and so he gave me Klonipin, which seems like a good choice so far as I haven't had the feeling since I started taking it first thing every morning. It will make my life easier if I don't have to wait for an attack to take a Xanax. I am trying so hard to get my life going and it has been really hard. I was starting to feel very defeated. I confess, I wanted to give up and die. I have been so bored of life and nothing is making me the least bit content. But I haven't given up yet, I can't, I have kids. Having had a father commit suicide I have sworn that I won't no matter what. It is a hard promise to keep sometimes.
Dr. H was VERY helpful as always. He questioned if some of these feelings of dread and anxiety may have something to do with my ex-mother-in-laws death and the fact that her family and my ex are trying to contact me. I think it could definitely have something to do with it. I have no desire to see or talk to any of them ever again. The anxiety is just a reminder of all of the pain. When I was talking to Dr. H about my feelings and the fact that I don't have any, and I want to, I began crying when he asked me what I felt at that moment and all I could say was, "All I feel is hurt and pain". He told me that that is the outside layer that we need to get through to get those other feelings out. Everything is buried so deep. I just feel the bad stuff and I want to feel the good stuff. I had almost 2 years of great happiness, self confidence, and love for myself and others. Where did that go???? I want it back, I need it back!!!! I can't live without some joy somewhere.
For someone who never cries, it was a shock to me that tears just started streaming down my face. I think it is a credit to my trust in my therapist. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I know it is cathartic, but it is alien to me these days. When I was a kid, I cried all of the time when my feelings were hurt, same with when I was married. But I have turned to stone because I've been hurt so much. So maybe this is a turning point... I hope so. It is part of the road to healing. It is going to take a long time to heal, none of the damage was done overnight so it won't be cured overnight either.
If you've noticed I added some favorite items from Amazon, I LOVE Amazon. There are some great books to read, some that are relevant to this condition and some just because they are good. The Stieg Larsson trilogy is good because it does address mental illness. The trilogy starts with "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I highly recommend it. I also recommend reading PTSD for Dummies. Any Dummies book I have found to be particularly useful if you have a hard time paying attention or need things explained in a way that makes it very easy to understand. Believe me I have Dummies books for everything from History to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Jewelry Making. So pick one up, the links are on the side bar for Amazon and on this blog.
I hope that one day soon I will hear from someone who reads this blog, if anyone. I would be curious to hear about your experiences and if you've had therapy, how has it worked for you?
Until next time.....
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