So damn if I don't get PTSD triggers from something so mundane. God knows I will have to tell my doctor and then he will want to delve into the rape. We've talked about it before but haven't gotten has far as we could in discussing it. I think he senses that I'm not altogether ready to talk about all of the details. I speak about it in an un-emotional way right now, like it was just something that happened, like skinning my knee while riding my bike. It is a part of my defense mechanism I guess. Keep the feelings at a distance. Brick them up behind a wall that no one can access. Of course my wall does not discriminate, everything seems to go behind it. It protects my heart. My heart is walled off in the middle and there is a barrier around it, all of my stuff goes in the area between the barrier and the wall. It is weird to describe it.
Anyone who experiences trauma finds a way to deal with it. Some create "alters" which are other personalities, which is quite rare. Some of us find other ways to deal with it, forget about it or let it remain front and center in our lives. Me, I tried to put it all behind me and lock it up. Well the problem with that is that I put everything behind that wall the good as well as the bad so that I have a hard time feeling joy as well as sorrow. It really sucks not to be able to feel. It has to be a SERIOUS and very strong feeling for me to feel it. Anger is an easily accessible emotion, that is what my therapist told me...it's a kind of "go to" emotion for me.
I was triggered to anger a little over a year ago. I was at a concert with some of my closest friends, and a couple of my kids, when I got into a fight with a woman after the show. It was really stupid and I didn't do anything to provoke it. The woman was drunk and basically thought I had stolen something from her that she couldn't find after the show. She kept telling me that she wasn't accusing me yet she kept asking me if she could look in my purse. The more she asked the angrier I got. I had started off helping her look for the item that she lost. Well when she accused me it was a trigger for my PTSD, which took on the form of an anger bordering on rage. I tried walking away from her and she kept following me so I started yelling at her. This is not normally something that I would do, I was ready to punch her in the face. I am not a violent person but the trigger was there and I fired with some pretty angry words. Had she touched me I don't know what I would have done and that scares me. I never realized that what she did was a trigger. It goes back to my ex-husband who would accuse me of stuff that I didn't do. He would badger me relentlessly, keeping me awake all night until I "confessed", which I would sometimes do just because I was so tired and exhausted. It was a form of torture I realize now. My therapist is the one who made me realize that the whole incident was a trigger.
It really sucks to have triggers all around you. It is probably why I don't leave the house much anymore. I've lost most of my friends. Not in a bad, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" way, but because I don't go anywhere anymore. Part of the reason is truly financial and other normal reasons, but I don't even talk on the phone with my friends anymore. I am sure they are tired of my life being such a downer but also because I probably don't have a lot to contribute anymore. I mean I don't go anywhere or do anything other than mundane things. I don't like leaving the house because I feel safe at home and don't want to encounter a "trigger" that may get me into trouble.
Through therapy I should be able to get through this and have a more normal life again. I miss my life so much. I used to have so much fun for a few years and then slowly I started moving back downhill again. The job at the Call Center just pushed me over the edge. Now I am hoping to get through this and find myself again. I am so much fun when I'm not wallowing in despair....really I am.....lol
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