I'm Still Alive.....

As you can tell by the fact that I am writing this blog, I am still here, still alive. Not always easy but this life has never been. 

After the last blog one of my friends reached out to me. My blog made her cry, she said that she had no idea I was feeling that way. She and I both cried together. She asked me what she could do to help me and if she did anything to cause me to feel this way. Like I told her (this is good for anyone who knows someone who is going through this) just calling or keeping in some kind of contact helps. Just hearing about her life a little bit helped. Most of the time though there isn't a whole lot that can be done. No one can get into anyone's head nor can the person who's suffering tell you how to make it better. We don't know how. My going to therapy WILL make it better in time. I am praying for that day. But for the moment it is like being behind a soundproof glass window and watching all of the happy normal people walk by. It is hard and some days are better than others. As a woman we also have to be careful that our hormones don't overwhelm us which is much of what happened when I wrote my last blog post. It intensified all of the horrible feelings I was feeling. I wish I could have realized it then instead of now. I don't know how much it would have helped, but maybe it would have helped me get through it a little easier. I did have a birthday last week as well and I had birthday greetings from a lot of people so I felt good about that as well. One thing I can say is that there is one difference between my father who committed suicide and me....when my friends as well as my family tell me what a difference I make in their lives, it makes me pause before doing something so final that I can't take back. My father's suicide will continue to haunt me and I honestly thought that it would keep me from seriously thinking about it myself. Unfortunately time is showing me that it is not necessarily the case, although I am sure it keeps me alive longer. It is the depression and hopelessness that drives the suicidal mind. When you don't think that you can get out. When there is no hope in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, when you think you don't matter.....even if people you love tell you that you do.....that is when you think you and your family are better off without you. I have learned that with this latest bout. Logically I know they won't be, I've been there, but the hopelessness and despair doesn't go away just because you want it to. It is something that I have to fight every single day, if I give up as my dad did then I will not make it. So I will do my best to stay in the game. The game that is life. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of fight, but it also takes determination and support. It is hard to go it alone. 

I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and then my Psychiatrist the next day. I have to let my Psychiatrist know that I can't see him anymore because I don't have insurance. Sucks. Then next week I will go to the county and see someone there. It's almost like starting over yet again. *sigh*

My ex-fiance is coming to visit from out of state in a couple of weeks or so. That should be interesting. I've never had an ex visit like this. We were very good friends so I am hoping this is a positive experience for both of us, which I am pretty sure it will be. We're not sure what we are going to do yet, he is making the plans. I just hope that I am not too down when he comes to see me as it will be around "that" time when I get down and out. Maybe our hanging out will eliminate the issue this month. I hope so. I miss him, we always had fun together. 

Well I am getting ready to go to bed. I have been having a very hard time sleeping lately again so I am hoping that tonight will be the exception....probably not, but I can always hope.

I leave you with a video from Pearl Jam.....have a good week and I'll see you next time....that's positive thinking, right?

Losing Myself....

The title of this blog pretty much says it all. I feel as though my life has left me, I miss what used to be my life. I felt like it had some meaning. Now I'm just going through the motions, trying to fight the good fight and losing terribly. I feel alone and abandoned by the world, disconnected from even the most basic of feelings other than sorrow, despair, hurt, and pain. I am thankful for the couple of friends I have or else I don't know what I would do. It is that little thread that is keeping me tied to this world. As you can tell by this post my depression is winning the war. At some point I am going to lose my ability to do the most basic things because right now I am fighting just to get up out of bed. Of course I'm not sleeping much at all which I'm sure isn't helping right now. 

  Dr. H has talked to me about my guilt, he said the guilt is masking things and I know what it is masking. Hurt, pain, and anger...rage even. This sucks more than anything, I hate these feelings. Before I got better for awhile (a few years ago) I was feeling a lot of anger. I mean every single day I was angry and/or depressed. Then by some miracle I snapped out of it and became a different person for a few years...not enough years because now I am back to that hopeless person again. I hate it so much. I don't want to feel this way but I know I have to stop masking it and deal with it. But it is so very hard. All I want to do is die right now. I am tired both physically and emotionally. I've lost the connection with pretty much everyone I know. Both physically and emotionally. No one knows me anymore. I feel as though I would not be missed by more than a handful of the people I know. Four of those are my kids. I feel useless and I feel like no matter what I say or do it isn't right. 

  Of course it doesn't help that every time I read posts on the internet regarding news stories or even some Facebook postings it makes me feel like the world is made up of hate more than love. Why in the hell would I want to stick around for this? I can't bear this. I know I am not the only person who feels this way, don't get me wrong. It appears to be a pity party and sometimes I want to slap my own face....sometimes I do. This doesn't negate what I am feeling. I am depressed, I am tired, and I feel like I'm already dead inside. It sucks to feel this way. I feel as though I am getting worse instead of better so I have to remind myself that my doctor told me that this would happen. But ya know what, even though I know that it doesn't stop me from feeling totally and utterly alone. Where the hell are the voices in my head??? It's all quiet in there and that may be good...maybe it's the eye of the storm which would mean this is half over, right? Get through the other half and then I'm home free? I sure hope so because if I fall much further I don't know if I will be able to get out.

Here is some song lyrics with the song posted right after that REALLY embody so much of how I'm feeling. Sorry the video isn't really a video but an album cover but the song is good. I like it, even if it is depressing. For anyone who may actually read this, writing helps me even if it is negative like this. I'm sorry for being such a downer but it is part of the journey that I promised you with this blog. You are going to get the bad with the good.

Losing time
counting hours
I'll never see myself again
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Closing down
I expect the hopelessness
And even though I'm alone
I can't remember what I'm missing
and that's all I need

I am lost
I feel I am sinking now
like I was made of rain

Like a wave I roll into the endless night

I am not afraid
as the darkness starts
to make its way
I breathe as hard as you
as I end my day
I sigh and shelter
as I try to sink that deep
as deepas you and make sure
that I won't fall asleep

Losing days
I need no hours
I'll never be myself again
And even though it's killing me
I can't remember what I'm missing
So I leave it be

Deprogramming......not just for cults anymore!

When I think of deprogramming I think of scary cults, like the Manson Family or the Reverend Moon who had members whose parents would send some professional "deprogrammer" out to bring their wayward son or daughter back from the evil cult. I would picture a special van that would entice the young person to come closer and then a couple of men would jump out, grab them, and throw them into the van. Then the van would depart for a "deprogramming" location where these deprogrammers would "un-brainwash" (?) them I was never sure what that entailed.  

  It's kinda funny when you look up "deprogram" you will still find all sorts of "things" that we, as a society, supposedly need to be deprogrammed from. It is really odd. I am a Liberal and apparently I need to be deprogrammed from that. LoL. I mean these days, deprogramming is becoming more of a pseudonym for "You are wrong and you must be brainwashed because you don't agree with me". That is just out and out silly. 

 For me when I talk about deprogramming I am talking about lifelong actions that we have all been programmed to do our whole lives. Some of these are normal things, like "look both ways before crossing the street". If you don't think that's been programmed into you just think about it the next time you go to cross a street, you don't even think about looking both ways, you just do it. That is programming at its finest. There are also more subtle ways of programming, for instance, if you are an abused wife and your husband gives you a certain look...you might flinch because you know what usually comes next. All of us, throughout our lives are products of programming. Many of us just don't realize it.

One of the epiphanies I have realized during my therapy is that I need to deprogram myself. I have a habit, when I make a mistake, of saying out loud to myself "You are so stupid!". That is a result of my personal programming. When I was a child when my father was drunk (only when he was drunk by the way) he would call me stupid and dumb. If I made a mistake or was wrong about something, which is easy when your a kid, he would tell me that I was stupid. So my programming growing up, no matter how much my mother would say to the contrary, involved being made to feel stupid or dumb. Again, both of my parents also told me good things, although my dad was not one to do that so much. So here we have the most important and influential man in my life as a child telling me that I'm stupid or dumb. Now when he wasn't drunk, as I said he would never say these things to me. He would praise me from time to time and I loved him dearly. But the bad programming stuck. Now I think, had I made a different choice for a spouse then perhaps some of that programming could have been undone. But instead I picked a husband who called me stupid, dumb, and way worse the whole time I knew him. So that re-enforced my feelings of low self-esteem.

The hardest part about deprogramming of this kind is that it is years of programming to overcome. For instance, I know on an intellectual level that I am not stupid. But I still carry that negative program in my head. To overcome it is going to take years, which truly sucks because I am certainly not getting any younger. But I would rather die feeling good about myself and confident than the way I have felt most of my life.


Now just to catch you all up real quick. I spoke with my therapist at my last appointment and he is going to continue to see me without insurance and without payment. I will begin seeing him every other week. The only thing I had to agree to was to not hurt myself. Which of course I agreed. The fact that he would see me like this means everything to me. It means that he thinks I am worth the work. Or at least that is my thought, he never said that. LoL He also gave me some ideas about how I can get my medication for free so I will be attempting that as well. He also told me that there is no way I am ready to go back to work right now. I was supposed to go back on Sept. 1st, then I mentioned the 15th and he said he really doesn't think I am in any shape to do that. Although he told me I could, he doesn't recommend it. So....that puts me in a pickle for sure. I have to see my Psychiatrist on Sept. 1st and then go from there I guess. It is so crazy because I am going to have to talk to the insurance co/my work about this. I already informed my manager and he was fine with it. The problem is going to be getting the OK to go back to work when I'm ready, because my Psychiatrist will not be able to see me without insurance so....I can go to County Mental Health, but I don't think they deal with this...but I will find out. So to say I am stressed is another understatement. Story of my life. 


In therapy the other day we talked about the feelings under my guilt about my parents death, guilt is a way of taking blame to cover up more hurtful feelings that I have like rage and anger. Yay! Rage and anger! I will tell you more about this later. This blog is too long to expect anyone to keep reading it. Thank you for those of you who do read it. I will keep it up!

Sometimes I just wanna give up, fall asleep, never wake-up.

I'm not the only person who feels this way, am I? I feel like every little setback these days means the beginning of the end. Things can be going "OK" and then BOOM one thing happens to set me back, doesn't have to be big...and I feel like I just want to be done with life. Right now I am sure a big part of that is the fact that my medical insurance was canceled so I am not taking my meds on a normal schedule. I am trying to make them last so I am taking my anti-depressants every other day. I will be making an appointment to see one of my doctors in the next week or so, he has to OK me to go back to work. He will, even though he doesn't want me to, because he knows I HAVE to go back, I don't have a choice. I am going to ask him to put me on a 4 day a week schedule to ease me back. Maybe 4 days permanently...but I won't know if I can afford that until I do it and where I work they DON'T like it to be that way. Part-time is less hours, not less days. But there is no point in less hours per day, it only helps them and will kill me even more financially. I wish I could afford to do things a different way but I can't. My son is planning on moving out next month so I can't rely on any financial help from him (for rent or food) anymore and eBay is not going well all of a sudden (not just for me but for many sellers). However I do have a couple of other ideas up my sleeve, just have to find a way to afford them and to do them. It is really hard for people who do not suffer from this to understand that it is like a disconnect between what you know you need to do and what you can do. I feel like I am existing on some weird plane where I am alone...Everything is going on around me but I am barely able to interact. Of course I'm also worried that I am going to have to stop seeing my therapist until I get my insurance back, I'm sure he is not going to see me for free and I can barely afford the co-payment right now. So I may have to forget therapy for a month or so until I get my insurance back, not to mention that there is no telling how long the lag time will be for the insurance. It was such a hassle the first time I got it. I can only do what I can do, but it sucks. 

I was going along so well in therapy and doing better in many ways, starting to dig into things that would make me better and now I may have to quit. Even before I go back I am worried about slipping back into my bad thoughts, hell I haven't seen my therapist in a week and am already feeling like I'm slipping away. This is why therapy is so important to keep me grounded in this critical phase of my treatment. 

This sucks so bad. No happiness, no joy, no sense of things getting better has made me fall into the abyss of hopelessness when I was starting to feel hopeful. DAMMIT!!!! I am so mad at those in my life who traumatized me to this extent!!!! Damn them! Except for my mom whose only contribution to my traumas was to die younger than she should have and I am kinda mad at her for not telling the doctor all of the issues she was having physically. Maybe they could have helped her! She thought she could handle things on her own, that she knew better. I begged her to see the doctor if she was having problems, which I knew she was. Obviously I had no idea at all how serious those problems would turn out to be. I miss her so damn much, I need her. She always made me feel just a little bit better just knowing that she was there and that she loved me no matter what I did. 

Wow this blog just took a weird turn....well maybe that's the way trauma is. Sometimes the focus is on one thing and then it shifts to another trauma. Each trauma has it's own symptoms and feelings associated with it. Some of my trauma is obvious and angry and some of it is sad and regretful. All of them are traumatic in their own individual ways. Some affect me in everyday life and some affect me only sometimes, when triggered by something. What I wouldn't give right now to hold my mom and just cry until I can't cry anymore.

On a good note, I have talked to a couple of people who have read my blog and have found some things in it to be thought-provoking. For that I am really glad. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to write this blog. My condition is making it increasingly difficult for me to write, it can be painful mentally and emotionally. So I am not as consistent as I'd like to be with this. But it makes all of it worth it when someone reads something that resonates with them. I am happy to share, especially when it helps someone to feel as though they are not alone. And also to share what I have learned in therapy. Look it's free!  I hope to be doing better and maybe my therapist and I can find a way to make this happen, who knows. I just hope to hold on. I miss myself. I used to really like me, now I don't even know if I know who I am anymore. I know that I am not a bad person and I know that I have good Karma (even if it doesn't seem that way right now), I don't intentionally hurt anyone. I also know that I am getting older and I am dying and I want to be me again before I die.