The relationship I had with her was complicated over the years. She was, after all, the mother of the person who caused me the most pain in my life. She was a very difficult woman. But later in life I came to understand her better and we actually bonded quite a bit. She hurt my children a lot, although I am sure that was not her intention. But that was normal for her. She truly did not realize how harsh and hurtful she was to everyone. This is not to say that she couldn't be nice, she could. But she could also be devastating with a single phrase. I know that she loved my kids and I know that she loved me. It was not easy to love her, but I did.
Lucky for me I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday so I was able to talk to him about all that I was feeling, I cried a bit, and I have to say that I also railed a bit at some of the messed up moments that she contributed to. One thing I can say is that she loved her children dearly. She would defend them no matter what. Which is what a good mother should do. Like I said this is difficult. I really had problems with her a lot during my marriage as well as afterward. I was not used to being badgered. She could be very forceful with her opinions and unlike my own mother she would always tell you what you were doing wrong and never what you were doing right. Not to mention that she pretty much thought she was the only person who knew how to take care of children. We clashed on that A LOT. My mother was of the opinion that you make your own mistakes and learn. That has served me very well in my life.
My oldest daughter is taking this worse than any of my kids and she was the one who clashed the most with her grandmother. They fought with each other and hurt each other a lot. Not to mention the fact that my ex mother in law never said she was sorry. I only heard that from her ONCE in the over 30 years I knew her and that was only recently. She actually tried to contact me a few days ago, but I didn't take the call and of course that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. But at the same time it may have been a good thing. I would hate my last conversation with her to have been a bad one and it very easily could have been one considering some of the stuff that happened in the last couple of months. In the end I think I will have to be content with that and live with that.
When I went to my therapist I told him that I was going to send my ex-husband an e-mail telling him that I was sorry about his mom. My therapist told me not to, he wants me to have ZERO contact with him. That is really, really hard for me because of how I am. Of course, what I should try to remember is how my ex traumatized me after my mom died. I mean he started out crying and sorry. But the day after my mothers funeral I had a call from him that made me so angry I stormed out of the place I was at and just started walking and yelling. My boyfriend at the time, along with my best friend and my daughter had to come running after me, they had no idea what had happened. I won't even go into the details other than to say that I would never dream of yelling at someone the day after they buried their mother. Who does that????? I was so mad and hurt that I was shaking and after I was done yelling I couldn't even talk. It was horrible. My ex-mother-in-law did her own upsetting thing at my dad's house right after the funeral. Something that made everyone in the house look at her with shock. This is what I mean about her and him as well. He also caused unbelievable issues after my dad killed himself. I will go into that at some other time. Let's just say, they both caused so much discontent in my life and leave it at that.
So....I am not really sure how I feel about all of this. I am sad, I DO know that. No matter what problems we had, I did love and care about her. I cannot imagine how things are going to be without her in our lives.
That is the end of that chapter in my life. I will no longer have any contact with anyone else in that family from now on. The rest of them are not important to me in the least, well I do care about a couple, but the rest....well I am done. My kids are as well. She was the only connection we all had to each other and that connection is now gone. Rest in Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment