So tired of this damn depression!

I

I keep thinking this depression is lifting a little and then it just comes roaring back. When you suffer from PTSD or simple depression you no longer seem to enjoy things that you used to love. I am feeling that always. But it is getting worse again. I think I just get tired of fighting it. Sometimes it seems easier to just give it up. Hell I think anyone who is depressed feels this way at some point. I am just so tired of this, every day I feel a level of it. Sometimes it is livable and other times I just want to die. That of course sucks because I am determined not to. 

  Last night I had an overwhelming feeling of dread and panic. I walked around a bit and I couldn't shake the fact that I was about to have an uncontrollable panic attack. Straight out, not able to breathe panic attack of the severe order. Luckily I realized that I did have Xanax. Duh. So I took one and it helped. Although I actually had some sort of attack in the middle of the night, one I hadn't had in years. I kind of start to throw up in my mouth and I can't breathe. It is a horrible feeling not being able to breathe. Thankfully I am going to see my Psychiatrist on Monday so I can tell him about this and see what we can do or what he thinks is going on. If not, I see my therapist on Tuesday, maybe he can make sense of it. 

  My ex-mother-in-law was buried today. I wasn't there of course and I kinda broke my therapists edict. My ex-brother-in-law was trying to contact me and other family members were trying to get a hold of the kids so I broke down and sent my ex-bro-in-law an e-mail letting him know how sorry I was about his mom's passing and how much she meant to us, but also letting him know that most of us would not be there. I gave him reason's mainly so that my daughter, who was going, would not be put in the position of having to tell them why we weren't there. I hope that my therapist will agree that it was a good move. After all, I didn't contact my ex-husband.  My daughter told me that she did not go to the gathering after the funeral, which I think was the right choice for her. It is sad that I care what that damn family thinks about us, I really shouldn't...hopefully my therapy will get me to the point where I really won't care. I mean on one hand I don't but on another I do and it makes me mad. I don't like for people to think badly about me. Maybe it's my need to please all of the time, I don't know.

  I need to write an appeal about my disability being denied, at least the paid part, because they are wanting me to pay back what they paid me. I would rather that they hadn't paid me at this point. They just don't understand what this job is really all about, but my therapist doubts they will change their mind, but I have to try.

  Right now financially we are strapped, badly. State disability is not enough to live on. But I do have some things out there that I am TRYING desperately to work on. It is hard when you suffer like this. I need to make A LOT of money to keep my insurance, even if I made enough to live on it is hardly stable. When you are depressed like this it is hard to stay motivated as well. I am doing the best that I can but I don't ever want to do anything at all. Today all I wanted to do was sleep, I could barely keep my eyes open for hours. It was weird because I've had so much trouble getting to sleep. Now I can't wake up. 

  I just want to feel good again. I felt good for like almost 2 years and it was the best two years of my life. I want to feel like that again or at least a little bit like that. I hate feeling like this, unable to enjoy anything. Sucks.