How did I get here?

Almost every day I find myself asking, "How did I get to this point in my life?". I mean, I have been chugging along for years living life both good and bad....but every day moving, sometimes forward, sometimes laterally. But moving somehow. These days I am at a complete standstill. Life has completely stopped for ME, although life continues to move around me....I stay still. I think much of this goes back to the losses in my life that have finally caught up to me. I have been strong for so many years and now I've fallen apart and don't know how to pick up the pieces or where to start. I know that the death of my mom started a downward spiral, but I kept it together for my kids and for my dad....then my dad killed himself. I tried so hard to get through it. The shock, although not surprising, the shock is what almost made me stop right then. But somehow I moved along....but it was false....I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected. Also I had kids that depended on me and I had to keep it as together as possible for them. But now I find myself on a precipice of despair and the only action I keep thinking of is jumping off of that cliff. How the HELL did I get here?????

It is a daily hell almost. I mean I'm lucky, I have a great friend who keeps me thinking and a great therapist who is seeing me for free. I saw him just the other day and I was in really bad shape the day before I saw him. I held on knowing that I would see him the next day. It helps to know that the helpline is right there....Anyway, he told me that the reason why he is seeing me like this is the hope that I will get better, that I will eventually get to the point where I go back to work and everything gets better for me and I get my life back. He seems to want that for me and I appreciate it. He asked if I wanted to make an appointment for next week, I said "no", partly because I feel guilty for seeing him for free, but I told him that if I need an appointment I will not hesitate to call. I really scared myself the other day....I was so close to ending it all. I mean, REALLY close....I just couldn't take it anymore. So many things I have come to realize in my life and some of them are so incredibly painful that I guess I don't want to live with them. 

One thing that I suspected and have finally faced and am able to put into words. I have NEVER been anyone's priority except for my mom. No one has EVER put me first. I have always been 2nd or 3rd or further down the line. There is nothing harder to face then knowing that you haven't been loved enough to be number one. When I was married, my husband was number one in our marriage. He looked out for and loved himself (if you can call it love) more than anyone else. My ex fiance put me 2nd, his first wife was his number one. Even now I realize that he wants someone, ANYONE, to be with him....I don't matter. He thinks I do, but he doesn't even know his own self. I've seen it with him....I saw the same things with my ex-husband it's called, "I don't want to be alone" which means they just want to be with someone, it doesn't really matter who. I know that my ex-husband at one point realized that....but then I'm sure he "unrealized" it as was always his way....My ex-fiance, not sure if he has realized it or not. I'm sure they'd argue that they just want to be in a relationship.......but at any cost? Doesn't even matter to me anymore. I will never be in another relationship again. I will never trust my love again. I have given my love away and been hurt too deeply to do it again. I almost made the same mistake that my exes have in getting into a relationship just to be in one.....what a mistake that was. All it does is make me feel even more worthless than ever. Not a good plan. One day I truly hope to love myself or at least like myself again. At this point in time I feel as though I have given up on everything. I mean, what the hell happened?! They say youth is wasted on the young and it is so true. I wasted so many years on other people instead of in myself. I think of all of the things I never did, which is normal as you get older....but some of it I never did in deference to the person I was with. I did get some of my youth back for awhile but then this damn job caused me to start having flashbacks and those flashbacks sent my whole life careening backward into a shit storm of hurt and pain that I thought I was leaving behind. Now it is front and center and worse than ever. Totally sucks! I want to be better, I really do....but I am in a holding pattern which brings me to.......

Went to the county to get my evaluation. Well how awesome, I can't see a psychiatrist, which means no medication, until the END of DECEMBER! So I am going to be without ALL of my meds for at least another 2 months. I am SUPPOSED to go back to work on January 3rd. Ha! Not gonna happen without meds, I know it can't, I won't last. I can get disability for one more month, but my job is going to be an issue because I have to see a Psychiatrist to fill out the forms and the only Psych. I can see will be the county Psych. Will he fill them out after only seeing me once? Can he or she fill them out in time? So, what to do, what to do. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure I will be going back just to get fired. They are famous for doing this. When I explained this to my therapist he said "why would you want to go back? It's like going back to an abusive relationship." Yep, it is....but it is my only option right now. It's a job and I need the money. But I hope I can find something else, I don't think I will last even if they don't fire me right away....I think it will be a matter of time. Although my daughter did say that people ask about me all of the time there. Weird, I didn't know I was so popular there. I mean, really.....

Well I think this is all I can muster right now. I have such a hard time writing. I have nothing positive to write and that makes me sad. I had hoped when I started this blog that I could give hope to people that it will get better. But so far for me, it hasn't. I am more suicidal than ever, much of it is because of things too numerous to mention here....things just keep happening that cause me untold amount of stress. Stuff that normally would be irritating and might upset me, but not like THIS. So I'm sorry that this isn't a more cheerful blog. I'm sorry that I am not more cheerful. People who know me would probably be so surprised by all of this....I put on such a happy face and I try my hardest to think positive. But I have grown tired and weary and the fight is getting knocked out of me. But I'm still holding on for dear life. One day I hope to look back on this and think, "My god I am lucky to be alive. Who was that woman?". But for now, I struggle and I cry every single day and yet I still hope that a bright light shows up at the end of this tunnel, the sooner the better.

Never enough time and life will not stop for me!

I know, it's been awhile...I have been having a hard time writing....hell I've been having a hard time doing anything. Life is just a big bowl of suck right now. By the way, please excuse any typos or words that don't belong....that is a part of what is sucking right now...kinda goes with what seems like a nervous breakdown or something.  Not even sure where to begin on this blog, too much has been going on inside my head and around me to even contemplate writing about, unless I want to sit here for a few days extrapolating on all that has gone wrong. Not to mention the fact that I really wanted this blog to be helpful and sometimes I wonder how helpful it is to bitch about my life.

But no matter what, I have to write. I just wish I could be motivated more to do so. So, lets start by saying that life has been hard lately...harder than usual. Too much stress. Without going into details, due to circumstances beyond my control, my rent was late this month. Which culminated in extreme stress as well as a large financial burden. Because I was late I was charged a 10% late fee....so I didn't have money as it was and now I had to find a way to come up with another $76.00+. So I ended up being short, between the late fee and my daughter (who is also my roommate) not being able to come up with all of the money she owed me, we were $120.00 short. First we were $20 short and I was freaking on that...but then my youngest son, who was living out of town, was going to lend it to me. He also was supposed to lend my oldest daughter the 2nd half of the money that she owed me for my TV that she was buying from me, that money was to go to me so that I could make the whole rent and she would pay him back. So he was supposed to give me $120...well his unemployment check didn't come, seems there was a snafu at the unemployment office and so he was going to have to wait for a phone interview. This caused me not to be able to pay $120 and also caused him to have to move back home because he had no money to pay for where he was going to live. So I was facing a major dilemma. I received a "you have 3 days to pay or else surrender the premises" notice, which I have NEVER gotten in my life. The last time I was late on a rent payment was like 20 years ago. So I was freaking out to say the least. Then an angel, by way of a very, very good friend of mine...bought enough stuff in my eBay store to cover what I was lacking. This was the 2nd friend who offered to help me get the money together. One friend offered to give me the money when it was $20, actually she pretty much insisted on it, but then my son had already told me that he had it. Of course all of that fell through and there was no way I would have asked anyone for that kind of money. I was overwhelmed to say the least when my other friend bought the items in my store. It made me cry when I saw what she had done. But because I sold her items I didn't feel like it was a handout. I still felt bad in the sense that I had to rely on someone else to help me and this isn't the first time this friend has helped me out with different things. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement for me. I am so grateful to have friends like these. I really didn't know what I was going to do this month. I was desperate to sell things and had dropped the price of one of my items to rock bottom trying to pay the rent. I have never been more scared of losing my place to live as I was then. But thanks to my friend we were able to take care of the rent and this WILL NOT happen again! I have put my daughter on notice about that!

I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind lately, I mean literally. My emotions are at the surface which they haven't been for so many years. It is scary. I cry a lot, something I haven't done since I was a kid. The pressure I have been under both financially and emotionally is more than I can bear really. I have been losing time lately, something that my doctor calls disassociating. It is not normal for me at all. It started when my ex-fiance came out to visit last month and has continued since then. Although, thankfully not as much. My therapist attributes it to the excessive stress that I am under. I mean, my disability is due to run out in a couple of months and I have to go to a job that I am pretty sure is going to fire me not long after I get back. They have a history of doing that so I expect it actually. So I am looking for work and trying to deal with deep emotional traumas from my past. Not a good combination. The timing really sucks. I wish I had started seeing this therapist sooner. Perhaps I would have been farther along. The visit from my ex set me back quite a bit, but it was actually a really good thing in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. Things that I needed to deal with, although they hurt tremendously. 

On Monday I will be going in to the county where I live for a full on evaluation that will take several hours. Yay? The good part is that it is the stepping stone to getting back on my medication. Right now I have been without it for at least a couple of months and it is BAD. It has affected me in a really bad way and so getting back on them is paramount. So while it is a hassle it is also something that I need desperately. I really need to be back on them, especially when I am trying to get on with my life and get back to work. Struggling every day to stay alive is NOT my idea of a good time. The medication really makes a difference.

So with all of that said I think I am going to conclude this blog for the night.....it is a lot to take in and believe me, this isn't even the half of what is going on in my life. But it is taking too much out of me to go on right now.....so until next time!



J & C Club Edit....

Life doesn't like me....it's a bully!

Damn if it's not one thing it's another. Trying to balance life and deal with things that are not under my control. Teetering on losing everything. Just so tired of fighting to stay alive when life is determined to kill me. Life is such an asshole! If life was an actual person, he'd be a bully, a BIG one! I wish life WAS a person, then maybe I'd have more of a chance. But right now? Nope not a one. 

Been having problems financially, thanks to being on disability and also because my roommate, who happens to be my daughter, has borrowed money that she can't pay back right now.....well right now happens to be rent time. So I couldn't pay it, I had 5 days to pay it and had hoped that I could squeeze one or two more days and then get the money in there by the time the check cleared the bank. Ya see I had to re-up my disability and there were time delays, some my fault, and some because I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor in time. Well I got the paperwork over to my other doctor who took care of it right away. The problem is that it threw off my disability payments, so now I get paid on a different day and it has thrown all of my bills off. Rent being one of them. Well tonight I got a notice saying that I had to pay the rent within three days or surrender possession of the residence, ie: my apartment. Well I had planned on paying it, BUT they are telling me I HAVE to give them a cashiers check. Well #1, the 3rd day, Saturday....I MIGHT have my check if I'm lucky....but the credit union is closed on Saturday and they are the only one I would be able to get the cashiers check from. Unless I get a money order, I guess I could do that....IF my check gets here on Saturday...if it doesn't, what the hell am I supposed to do? Lose this little place? Be homeless? Be the typical mental disorder casualty? Great. Actually I know my son would take me in. But with all that he is going through right now, I really don't want to do that to him. Although on the other hand they need the money that my rent could pay them....but that would leave my youngest daughter with no where to go, unless he took her in too.....not sure that he would want to do that. I know his wife doesn't want me to live there and I don't blame her I guess. Truthfully I don't know that I want to live there anyway....


I am on the verge of losing my storage units with all of my stuff....I have a couple of "opposition to lien"sales things to fill out....but they want me to send them back "certified mail". I don't have the money to send them back. I might be able to get the money to send ONE, but both? I'd have to send them in the same envelope, which I know they don't want me to do....but I don't have a choice. Cashiers Checks, Certified Mail....all of these things because I can't pay...I'm on disability that doesn't cover every bill as it is....yet somehow I am supposed to pay extra money just to tell them I can't pay or in the rent case, to pay something that I couldn't pay on time....great! Life is just kicking my ass at the worst possible time. Really. This sucks more than I can say. What I had to kind of chuckle at is the fact that the rent notice that I got says to actually pay a smaller amount, by less than a dollar, of what I usually pay....what is up with that?????


Well anyway, just kinda had to write this as I feel like the world wants me to leave....I was talking to a friend last night (on the internet, I can't talk on the phone) we worked together at the place I'm on disability leave from. She told me a lot of things that lead me to believe something that I've already suspected. I am probably going to get fired soon after getting back. Nothing personal, but it's a big bank and frankly they can be real assholes when it comes to their employees. Especially when the employee is not there, no matter what the reason, no matter how much back-up you may have.....they will find a way. In these economic times, it's pretty easy to get someone to fill your job. But it also bothers the question, "WHY are they always hiring people?".....it is because they are always firing people, most of it is ridiculous no heart type firings OR the employees quit, because they can't take it anymore. It is a bad place to be in. 


Right now I find myself crying pretty much every day. My emotions are just under the surface. Which is actually a good thing, because I have been denying my emotions and not showing them for a very long time. The problem is....it makes me very fragile emotionally. That in turn is making my life very tough right now, not to mention the fact that I need to get another job. But it also shows that my therapy is working. Although I have been set back, I am still learning things and making progress. So even with my progress having been set back, it will still progress....


This is the life of the mentally ill. We do our best and even then there are so many things beyond our control. In a better mindset we could probably handle it. But when you are fragile, like I feel right now......it is a very dangerous and precarious place to be. I DO NOT like it, nor do I recommend it. I can only try to keep from totally losing my mind. If I lose it, I am done forever.....So every single day I fight and fight and fight.....and it sucks. I can only hope that there is indeed a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.....

****WARNING****
Video is of one of my favorite shows: Dexter, which airs on Showtime. Beware, the video has a lot of blood, it traces the murder of Dexter's mother when he was a young child.  

Video is from YouTube. This song is pretty great for someone like me....
"despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"

I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray....

Hello everyone....I have missed a couple of weeks, at least, of blogging. Sorry about that. Not that I've wanted to. Circumstances have thrown me into a major depressive state and I just couldn't sit here and write about it. I'm not really going to write much right now about that particular situation. A lot of things have happened to me personally that caused me to have a near nervous breakdown recently. Thankfully I have such a skilled therapist to pull me through some of it. But it has pushed my progress back and that in itself is depressing. I do plan on sharing this with all of you, but right now it is just too much to write about. It was too much for me to process. 

Another major thing happened and didn't happen to me, it happened to one of my sons. He found out that his wife has been cheating on him. What a horrific thing to find out, been there myself. The details I plan on keeping to myself, but I know so much about how he is feeling. My son was devastated and what really hurt me is that he was more worried about ME and how I would take it. He thought I'd have a heart attack, he thought that it would make me so sad that he didn't tell me for a few weeks. Here he was going through the worst time in his life and he wanted to tell me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Dammit! This damn depression and PTSD is now hurting my family even more than I ever thought. Thankfully, he has since talked to me about it, but the fact that he went through this and couldn't tell me, just KILLS me. I know that he is hurting terribly and the first weeks are the worst. Anyone who knows me knows how close my kids and I are. I am hurting so badly for him. When we started talking about it I looked him in the eyes and I told him that no matter what is going on with me I will ALWAYS be able to handle anything that is happening to him. I am here for him and I always be here. One positive thing about this is that it really brought home the fact that I am still needed, badly. 

I also found out how much guilt he has for the pain he caused me when he was younger. I was just so sad that he felt so much guilt for something that he did when he was 18. Something that he paid for and came out better for. He also had a lot of guilt about not being the best role model and not being around for his younger brother and sister. I told him that that was his father's job, not his. But he was in such pain as he said, "Well dad wasn't there, he didn't care." I had NO IDEA that he felt such responsibility for his younger siblings. Enough to have such a huge amount of guilt. It is just so sad. 

He plans on staying with his wife and I support whatever he wants to do. I know his wife thinks I hate her. I truly don't hate her, but I am furious with her for hurting my son so deeply. I can't deny that. I am also very disappointed in her. Having been on the receiving end of betrayal, I know how devastating it can be in every area. I never thought she would do that to him, especially considering how much he helped her regain some self-esteem after her last boyfriend, before my son, treated her. I also know that betrayal like this is different for men than for women. But as I explained the feelings that I went through, I could see that my son was feeling the same things and so he knew that I understood more than he thought. I support whatever he wants to do, I know that he loves her. But they BOTH have to work on this together. She needs to take responsibility for her betrayal and he needs to understand that it is not his fault. He didn't cause this. Whatever the problems are between them they need to communicate, no one can change anything it they don't know that something is wrong. No matter what problems you have in a marriage there is NO EXCUSE for betraying your spouse. NONE.  My ex-husband was abusive and horrible to me, I had many opportunities to cheat on him, but that is not what you do when you are committed to a marriage. I take marriage vows very seriously. If you feel the need to sleep with someone else, get counseling, together or separately. Or separate for awhile. But don't break your vows and hurt the person you committed to spend the rest of your life with. That is not fair and it is a hurt that never really goes away. Plus if you think you had problems in your marriage before? Try cheating, you'll get major trust issues that are VERY difficult to get through. It is hard to recover from betrayal. I know, I never got over it. I really hope that my son and his wife can work through this. As a mother you want to kick the ass of the person who hurt your child, but I know that it is his marriage and it is his life. I will support him and his marriage as best as I can. If this is what he wants then I want it for him. God knows I want him to be happy. To have your wife cheat after being married for just over a year? That is so insane to me. It brings up a lot of issues, like do you want to waste your time at this stage of your life? Personally, I wasted a lot of years hoping for change that never came. But I can't let my experiences color his. He and his wife are not me and his father. I really want it to work out. I personally want to be able to trust her as well. It hurts me too, I love her like a daughter and I couldn't believe that she would ever do anything like this. It makes me wonder who she really is....did I not know her as well as I thought?

  The day they got married  I said to her at the wedding, during my toast, that I was trusting her with my son's heart. I meant it. Was my trust misplaced? She broke his heart into a million pieces and it just makes me cry for the pain that I know he is feeling. Girl, better be serious about this marriage. Because I will support both of them. I will hope that this is a big bump on a long and smooth road together. That they will be walking that road together for the rest of their lives. But god forbid that this happens again, because I will step in and it will not be pretty. Because when I let loose my fury, it is not good, especially when it comes to someone hurting my child. Every time I think about this, I start crying. No one wants their child to feel this kind of devastating pain, it breaks my heart.

It amazes me how many people take their vows so lightly. I think that is why I never want to marry again. I don't trust anyone to keep their vows as I did. I just don't. It is sad, but true. What many people who cheat don't understand is that they hurt so many people by their selfish actions. We are all hurt by this person that we loved and welcomed into our family. I wonder if she gets that. I wonder if anyone who cheats gets that.