Yep, just a silly play on words there. Resolution #1- No more silly "play on words".
Seriously, this has been another not so great year. But I have had many that were much worse than this one. Honestly there are some good things out of it too. I mean, I am finally hooked up with a good therapist who seems to be helping me. Some walls are starting to crumble and that is a positive direction for me. This year has been especially tough due to a death in the family, my not being medicated when I need it, some issues in my son's marriage that are still weighing heavy on him, and financially it has been a disaster that will take another year to get out of. But it could be worse. I lost my house but I do have a roof over my head. My kids are all alive and doing the best they can. We are still a family and that is the most important thing in the world. I've lost a lot of material stuff this year, belongings that can never be replaced....I have to forget about that or I'll go crazy. That is probably one of the worst things for me this year. I have learned the power of friendship and have received some great support. Not many ups, but the ups were appreciated when I had them. Right now I feel down, I have a hard time shaking that. But I know that going back to work and getting back on my medication will help that a lot. Combine that with therapy and I am on my way to a happier, healthier life.
So many things I wanted to do this year, but I never was able to get them done. Between the PTSD and no money it was pretty much impossible. But as time goes on and the fog in my brain starts to clear I am hopeful that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. I am seriously try to work on my book and that has been a long time in the making. The issue I am having is getting it started and in what format. It isn't so easy to just write a book. So many things to consider. I am still try to figure out how I want to proceed. I am kinda all over the place between wanting to basically write out a flat "story of my life" or a book of fiction that actually isn't entirely as I would be using my real-life experiences as part of the book....or I may just write a book of essays, try to find the humor in so many dark situations. Obviously some things that I want to write about are not humorous at all, but those can be in a different book, I don't have to cram everything into one book. I just have so many ideas, I've even had ideas for straight fictional novels that have nothing to do with my life. Sometimes with writers they want to put you into a box of what you are a writer of. For instance it is considered illogical for a romance writer to write a non-fiction book. Where to begin is the question. Once I begin if it is right then the writing will flow. I know myself well enough to know that much.
One resolution I am TRYING to do is to talk less. It seems that half of what I say doesn't even get heard so what is the point. I am a lifelong talker. It will be a hard habit to break. It will serve me great as a writer with lots to say, but talking.....well no one likes that. So that will take the most work I think. To be conscious of how much I talk and trying to pare it down. I will also do my best to keep up this blog which will be harder now that I am going back to work next week. But I will certainly give it a good shot, because it is important to me and to the few who read it. I know I should and could market this blog....but it is kinda nice to have people "find" me. I hope that more people find me, I have a lot to say and I think that some people might like to hear it. So for now I am off. I have more resolutions to think out and write down. Let's see how many I keep. How many will YOU keep? Most of us give up within the first couple of weeks. I challenge us all to see if we can get through a month and then another and then another....soon it will be next year and we will be so proud of ourselves if we can keep at least one of them. My suggestion: Make the list short and doable. Then take it day by day and see how it goes.
Good Luck to all of you and have a happy and safe new years eve and a wonderful new year!!! We deserve it!!!!
Yesterday, oh yesterday...what a waste of my time and then some! So frustrating! Frustration is something I really don't need right now. Yesterday was the day I went to see the "county" doctor to get my medication, finally. I've waited for months just to get this appointment. This is medication that I have been lacking, but needing, for many more months now. Once in the office the doctor asked me the usual background questions but first she had them take my blood pressure. It was pretty high even for me. But hey, it's been that way before. She decided that we should talk some more before taking it again. So we went over my meds history and mental health history. One thing she said is that I am not a typical mental health sufferer. Most people with my disorder smoke, do drugs, or drink regularly. She said people who suffer from PTSD usually use one of the above to deal with the anxiety, etc, that occur with this disorder. Another thing that came to light was me going back to work. She immediately said, "NO! There is no way that you can go back to work like this!". Then she pretty much berated my therapist for agreeing to OK me to go back to work. But like I told her he doesn't think I should go back but he is also practical and knows that I need to make a living, I can't keep living on disability....it is causing me more stress in this particular case. At least with my job I can get my medical insurance back and get my medication etc. Well this doctor told me that a) I should be on Social Security Disability (apparently she didn't realize that it is not that easy and takes a LONG time to get) b) I should get "cash aid" until it kicks in. HOW out of touch can one person be? Especially one who is giving this kind of advice. First of all as I stated SS Disability takes many months to get IF you can get it. It would pay less than $20 a month more than I am getting right now, which isn't much as it is. Second of all if you own any property at all (in my case my car) you can't get cash aid. You can't have ANY income either of course. No guarantees that I would even get it. I am not even going to attempt it as the last thing I need is to be worse off than I already am. This stress could literally kill me which brings me to my next issue.
My blood pressure....well it was taken 3 times while I was there and each time is was well over what it should be. It ranged from 179-182 over 97-100. It's not like it hasn't been that high before, it has, although rarely. Usually never when I am on my blood pressure medication. The doctor got real serious and said she wanted me to go to the hospital. WHAT? She not only wanted me to go but she wanted an ambulance to take me. She said I would get in faster, that they could give me an IV with medicine to bring my pressure down. She said she was afraid I was going to "stroke out". I said I couldn't afford an ambulance and she said "don't worry, just don't pay for it...no one else does". WTF? By then she just had me kinda freaked out. I mean I knew the pressure was bad, I hadn't had BP that high in a really long time, I take medication for high blood pressure so for it to be that high while on medication is a bad thing. I know that. Of course she wouldn't give me ANY of my medications that I came in there for because of the BP readings. So she said to go to the hospital and once they cleared me I could go back to her the next day (today) and they would TRY to work me in. No guarantees. So I was supposed to take an ambulance (that I can't afford) to the hospital (which I also can't afford) to get the OK to come back to MAYBE see the doctor and MAYBE get medication that I need. OK so I bit, let the ambulance take me to the hospital (yes, she scared me into it)......where I proceeded to wait for almost 5 hours without having my vitals checked again. I figured if I was going to "stroke out" I would have already done it by that time. Upon looking at stroke information I also saw that medication has to be given within the first 4-1/2 hours of a stroke to help. So I was past that point when I decided to leave the hospital. There was a man there with chest pains who told them that he was having trouble breathing and he still was waiting when I left. There were so many people there and by law they are supposed to re-check your vitals after 4 hours. So when I wasn't re-checked, even when I verified that fact with them and was assured that I would be checked, I didn't see the point in remaining. What a waste of time and then some.
So here I am STILL with no medication and stressed even more now. Between finances, my car that still doesn't work, and going back to work I am beyond stressed and unable to do a damn thing about it. I am trying so hard to keep things together and be calm. I cannot help the sense of panic I feel, I'm not sleeping much and I have no more meds to help with that....so yay! I am not in a good way, but I am still trying.
I don't know how any of this is going to play out. I am really worried and trying not to dwell on it. So many things are out of my control. I have tried to do things the right way. I tried to do things the "county" free way. But so far nothing is panning out and I am still without help. I truly feel for those who are in worse shape than I am. This experience has truly given me a sorry glimpse into how others are having to deal or not deal with all of this stuff. Mental health issues are still a little on the taboo side and without help or an inner strength (like I apparently have) I can certainly understand why so many people give up or go completely crazy. It is easy to do when you have no hope. I feel that right now. At least I have a small life preserver even if it attached to a job that I hate and is bad for me....at least there is something there that I can try to work with. So many others don't have that. It really makes you appreciate what you have, even if it isn't always what you want.
As I get further in my therapy I find that the walls I have spent years building are coming down and it is terrifying. When I was a kid growing up I was overly emotional. Most people who witnessed this display had no idea what I was going through at home or what was happening in my life. My feelings would get hurt really easily. I was very raw emotionally and fragile....for good reason....but as a kid you don't really examine that in your fellow kids. So I got teased A LOT for crying when I was sad or my feelings were hurt among other things. No one helped me, teachers wouldn't lift a finger....they just let everything run it's course. So I would cry, kids would tease, and I would go home and cry some more because people were so mean and hurtful. I felt powerless. They call it bullying now. Back in those days it was considered kids being kids I guess. Teachers were indifferent. But hey, I got through it eventually. I didn't make a habit of crying in public as I got older of course. When I was with my now ex-husband he would be incredibly cruel to me and yes I would cry. I would cry a lot. In public when he would say hurtful things to me I would tear up but I struggled to never cry. Anyone in that situation would want to cry. The things that were said and done were wrong, incredibly hurtful. I am a human being with feelings so naturally when I was hurt I would cry. But I was working on developing a thick skin, even then.
When things went south for the last time with my husband and the pain was beyond anything I could handle I started building a wall. I reinforced that wall with brick, mortar, steel, and a force field miles away from my heart. Building a wall protects your heart but it also insulates it from all of the good things. The joy of life. The only hurt I allowed myself was the death of my parents. There was no way to keep that pain out. Nor could I keep hurt and pain out when my kids were hurting. Once upon a time I would get emotional at sad movies or really sweet happy endings. With the walls I built that became a thing of the past. I found myself unable to feel much of the empathy that I had always felt for others. Therapy has changed that and it scares the hell out of me. I think I started changing even before I started therapy, but therapy has opened the floodgates. I try to remember that it is OK to cry, it is OK to "feel" things. I find myself getting emotional watching movies now and it has been a really long time since I have felt this way. My ex-fiance would try to get me to cry when I was upset and all that did was make me dig in my heals and refuse to cry. Crying for me meant weakness, vulnerability. When I was in elementary school it meant teasing and bullying. When I was married it meant being vulnerable to a sadist who loved to make me cry. So to do this now is VERY scary to me. I don't know how to control it which is particularly scary for me.
Soon I will be going back to work and then I will have to learn how to control it in a hurry. It is a bad job to have in this condition. I don't know what these long forgotten emotions will mean for my life. I do know that I am not enjoying being hurt and I have been feeling hurt recently by silly little things that I should just let go. But it is making me aware that the feelings and emotions are coming back into my life. I don't know what to do with them right now. I know that I need to "feel" because without feeling sadness or empathy I can't feel love and joy. I am trying to have a new resolve in my life as well. I am resolved to live and not care what others think of me. I have to be true to myself and remember to let some things go, even though it is hard and the pain is still there. Is this forgiveness I wonder? I don't know. But I know that I don't have many years left on this earth and I don't want to waste them in sorrow and pain. I want my love of life back.
When I was growing up I always put on a happy face and people mistook that happy face for being happy. I learned that from my mother. But I was very unhappy, as was she. I don't want to "put on" a happy face. I want to be happy and have my face show it naturally! So I think that I shall make that my "new years resolution". To be happy inside and out. Embrace emotions. To cry when I am sad and laugh when I am happy. To just be me, for better or worse. It may not garner me a lot of friends, but the friends I have will know me and appreciate me for who I am whether I am happy or sad, joyous or mad. At heart I am a good person whether some people think so or not, accept it or not, it is the truth and I will no longer let others deter me from it.
"Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true."
Each of us has our own beliefs, many that we cling to no matter what evidence we have to the contrary. Some of this has to do with faith and some of it just has to do with life experiences. These beliefs shape who we are and who we are going to be.
So I why do I bring this up? Well, the truth is...I had a bit of an epiphany the other day....There seemed to be a rash of suicides as of late with people in the semi-public eye, a couple seemed to prod me into a response. First Bernie Madoff's oldest son and then the mayor of Springfield, Illinois committed suicide in the past week. Of course this news was posted on news websites and blogs of which I read. I found myself responding to several posts from people who commented. Some of my posts were to clear up some misconceptions, for instance....MANY people seem to think that when you commit suicide that your life insurance company will not pay out upon your death. That is a misconception. Most policies will pay out IF you've had the policy for at least 2 years. I think this is to keep someone from making a rash decision to kill themselves to help their families by taking out a large policy that will pay their families a lot of money. You may ask how I know this....well if you are not a regular reader of my blog then you may not know that my father committed suicide 11 years ago in February. I was surprised when I discovered that his insurance policies would pay out. Knowing my dad I would bet that he knew it too. He made a point of letting me know about his policies after my mom died 4 years earlier. Of course I am sure that he didn't think that I would blow the money out of spite for what he had done. I felt like it was "blood money" and I wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible.
One of the other comments that someone had made was about the mayor being Catholic. Another commenter responded, "Why does that matter? What was the point of saying that?". Several other people made comments, some in the same vein, some criticizing Christians, and others talking about "mortal sin". Both of my parents were brought up Catholic and went to parochial schools, all of my cousins on my dad's side went to parochial schools....when I visited we always went to Mass. My parents became Methodists together before I was born. But my dad's family was still very Catholic depending on your definition....for some of them were practicing and some, well let's just say I don't think they displayed the most Christian type behavior.
When my father killed himself several of his siblings attended the funeral. I was so confused by my fathers suicide and numb at the same time. My aunt who was VERY Catholic was one of the attendees. Being so pious I questioned her about if my dad was in hell now because of what he did. I was so confused and worried about his soul. My dad wasn't a bad man. He made a lot of mistakes but I know that he did the best he could in life. So I was really afraid of what my aunt was going to say. She told me that the devil was holding the gun at the time he shot himself, that his soul was in such despair that God had taken it before the deed was done and that the devil had pulled the trigger. At the time that response also confused me. But at the same time it has had a profound affect on my beliefs both religious and non-religious.
When my mother died I felt closer to God than I had in a long time. I KNEW that my mother was going to a better place. I was sad and devastated by her death, but I knew she was somewhere that I could still talk to her. I felt her soul leave this realm at her funeral when I thought she felt that we were OK. I felt none of that with my dad. I wasn't mad at God or anything like that. I still believe in God, but my thoughts about religion and God have changed. Part of that is because of what my aunt unknowingly planted inside my head. The Catholic belief that suicide is a mortal sin is deeply ingrained and for her to come up with a way in which my dad would STILL go to heaven showed me how people can twist and change their core beliefs to fit their situation. I have heard so many Christians interpret the bible, their holy book, a thousand different ways....same with Muslims and the Koran.....and Jews with the Torah. I also look at peoples' behavior. So many Christians I know, and many I don't know, DO NOT adhere to what they say are their beliefs. These are people who go to church and are pious on Sunday, but the next day it is back to being backstabbers, liars, haters, or whatever their particular peccadillo is. Of course not all Christians are like this, but it seems the more I know people the more I see the hypocrites all around me. The ones who "practice" what they preach? I admire them for walking the walk even if I might not agree with their religious beliefs. I have finally realized that I am not a Christian. To say those words is very difficult for me as I was a Christian most of my life. It is dangerous to say those words. It is almost blasphemy in the current cultural climate to utter those words. Personally, I accept everyone's beliefs as their personal choice. I choose not to believe what they do, but that does not make me a bad person. In fact I think it would be safe to say that I practice more "Christian" behavior than many Christians I know. Not being a Christian is not the same as not believing in God. But there are many who would argue that. To me what I feel is in my soul, deep within me. My God does not hate. He does not condemn all of those who do not believe in him, he doesn't condemn gays (after all HE made them that way) and he is loving, not vengeful or jealous. My God believes that our actions and our heart are what is important. He sees through all of the BS. My God challenges me, he doesn't punish me no matter what I may feel sometimes. In short, my God loves me and sees me for who I am. IF there is a heaven, I will be going there. I don't believe it is someone up in the clouds....hell it may just be in a galaxy far, far away. Or we may just be energy that is recycled into some other life form. I don't know, none of us knows for certain. My dad always believed that we keep coming back until we do it right. If all of this is true then I believe my mother is in heaven and my father is back here somewhere in another form trying to get it right.
What do you do when the place you feel most comfortable in, and at home in, is in a different country? I have no clue. For me the place I feel most at home is in old town Heidelberg, Germany. I used to live in Germany and France as a small child and then Germany again as an adult. I also ventured back there several years ago. Heidelberg has always been my favorite small city. The cobblestone streets of the old town is my favorite area, the sidewalk cafes and the river cruises. It is a beautiful city.
I love Germany. I don't think I appreciated it as much when I was there as when I wasn't. When my ex husband and I left there we spent the rest of his military career trying to go back. Of course the military never seems to send you where you want to go. Lol. Having grown up in a military family I was used to moving as a child. I was one of the luckier ones though because the moves stopped when I was about 7. As a kid I kinda relished being in the same place, until times got tough at school or something and then I longed to move! When my ex and I got married we decided that it was probably a good idea to join the military as we were starting a family and it provided financial security as well as medical care. Of course being as naive as we were we did not for a moment think that we would be shipped overseas for his first duty station in the Air Force. But sure enough our first assignment was to Germany. We were both pretty upset. I was crying and my husband was desperate to trade with someone, anyone! I look back on it now and realize that in retrospect it was the best thing that could ever have happened in my life. For one thing, it gave me a larger world view. Even at 19 years old I began to realize that decisions being made in the US were affecting people in these other countries. To live in a foreign country when you're in the military is to check your car every morning before work to make sure it hasn't been tampered with. Car bombs were all the rage when we were there. At the time the terrorism was more related to the missiles that our government wanted to deploy there. This was during the cold war so it was the west vs the USSR, aka the Soviet Union. I think the most profound thing for me was when I watched the movie "The Day After" while I was there. I remember looking at that and thinking, "it would happen just like that". As a military wife I also got to go through a kind of "what if" fare....It was really an experience. We had these different stations. One station you would have your blood typed and could donate blood. There was another station where you got gas mask training in case of chemical warfare. THAT one really scared me because up and until that point the only war I thought we'd get into would be nuclear in nature. So that was a reality check. The most ridiculous one? The one where we had to fill out forms for where we wanted all of our stuff shipped in case of nuclear war. I was like, "really? Ummm we'd more than likely be dead so there would be no place to ship our stuff or no stuff to ship". Either way it was really surreal.
But I have to say that living overseas taught me more and expanded my world view more than any book ever could. Many times we tend to be very into ourselves here in the US. We are self involved as a country, we believe that the world revolves around us. Is our country a leader? Of course we are. Do other countries look to us to see how we handle things? Yes. But we are not the only country in the world. We are not perfect. No one is perfect. Do I love my country? Of course. Do I like it? Most of the time, yes. But I don't like the arrogance of many of our people. As an American living in a foreign country I made sure to learn the language and was surprised to see how many others didn't even try. Just saying danke or bitte is NOT enough. Most Germans do speak some English, but it is a show of respect when you at least try to speak their language, after all you are in THEIR country. That is also the best way to establish relationships with those you live around.
When I lived in Germany, I didn't live on a military base. I lived in a little village where I knew no Americans. I did meet Americans through my husband and became great friends with one in particular, although we didn't live very near each other. But I met Germans. One of which was my landlords daughter. I became friendly with her and her husband, she also had a daughter who was a year older than my own daughter. A few years ago I was able to go back and visit and stay with their family. Their is no substitute to learning about a culture than to be immersed in it. I would never ever trade all that I learned living in Germany. I love the country and the people. I went to local events, shopped at the local bakery and butcher across the street and visit with the sweetest old woman, Frau Hess, who owned the corner market and did not speak a word of English. But we communicated. I remember when my mom came to visit me she was very impressed that I conversed so easily with Frau Hess and it was obvious that Frau Hess was very fond of me and my daughter. She cried when we I said goodbye before we moved. I will never forget her she was the sweetest old woman I have ever known. Generous and kind.
Which leads me back to my need to ramble. To travel. The last time I felt this way, I was able to go. I spent 2 weeks revisiting Germany, going on to Paris, and then staying in London. I took my then 13 year old daughter with me and hoped that she would learn a little something. The trip of a lifetime. I think I am spoiled having been able to experience these countries. I know that when I started walking around in old town Heidelberg it made me feel like I was finally home. It made me feel happy inside when I had been feeling so very badly. I was having a very hard time in my life, dealing with the PTSD and I wanted something that felt comforting, I NEEDED it. Heidelberg was it. My mind immediately went to "how can I find a way to move here?!". Even at my age I still have that wanderlust and that need to go "home". I know it is a contradiction.
The only reason I ever wanted to come home to the states was to be with my family and friends. Move my family and friends to Germany and I'd be the happiest person on earth. That was the only thing missing there. I will never forget living there or living in France. I will never forget visiting Switzerland, southern Germany, Austria.....seeing the alps which were breathtaking, no picture truly does them justice. I will never forget my visit to the Netherlands, walking through the old side streets in Amsterdam with my mom when she came to visit me. Going to Paris and walking the streets all the way to the Eiffel tower with my daughter. Mangling the French language in an attempt to fit in as best I could.
The trip to London with my daughter was just so much fun, we walked a lot and shopped at grocery stores and department stores, not just tourist shops. I wanted my child to experience as much local life as she could in every town/city we visited. When I lived overseas I feel as though I experienced and understood so much more than anything I could have ever read or experienced on a brief trip. I can put the world into a larger perspective. I wish that I had the money to travel as much as I want to. Even better I wish I could live months in other countries. To experience life as the locals do is to understand and broaden your world view. So many Americans have no desire to do this. I truly don't know why. Maybe it is because of how I grew up. Some of us are happy to peer out our own window, live in the same town our whole lives and know everyone around us from cradle to grave....Then there are some of us who have an obsessive need to absorb other cultures and experience other ways of life.....some of us just feel a calling to ramble on......
I've been talking to a dear friend of mine the past couple of days about Christmas. This year is beyond lean for my family. I am still on disability so it has been a struggle just to live, let alone indulge in something as simple as a Christmas card for friends. I know that Christmas is about more than gifts. But when you suffer from depression these little setbacks take greater meaning and are more intense than they would normally be. I know that it is also the time of year when you miss those you have lost. But I have found that you not only miss those you have lost, you also miss the past and the memories made there.
My friend and I were discussing how much we miss Christmas when our kids were little. Neither of us said anything about missing Christmas from when we were kids. I noticed that later. I know that every year with the kids was altogether hectic (some years more than others), joyful, chaotic, and special. It wasn't about the kids getting gifts as much as it was the simple traditions carried out every year. Nothing warms the heart more than watching the joy on a child's face when they see the tree for the first time after Santa has drop his payload. The wide eyes, the "Oh Boy!" coming out of your kids mouths. Man I could die happy remembering times like that. Every year the kids tried to wake me up earlier and earlier. Of course when their dad and I were together he REFUSED to be awoken any earlier than 7 am and then he would insist on taking an hour long shower before the kids could go and unwraps their gifts. If I recall correctly eventually I was able to put a kibosh on that idea. I don't remember how old they were before that happened. I remember one year letting my daughter open one gift on her birthday while her daddy was in the bath and he went ballistic, so that never happened again, he was so furious. To me I thought it was reasonable. She had already waited ALL DAY for her dad to get home from work and then he insisted on taking a bath (we were living overseas and had only a bathtub) first. No fair! So I let our daughter open one gift from her grandparents, I thought she earned the right. It was her 2nd birthday and she was excited. Christmas morning had a similar edict.
Sorry, I digress! Anyway, every year I made a coffee cake and special Christmas cookies that I usually only made at Christmas and maybe one other time during the year. So in the morning, the kids' father and I would eat coffee cake in between opening gifts. The kids always ate the cake AFTER presents! Lol. Just watching the joy on their faces and the excitement. It is something that is forever imprinted on my brain. One of the kids would always be in charge of getting the gifts for each person, another would pick up the wrapping paper. The other two? Well at first they were too young for those tasks, later they took over for the older ones who were by now tired of that routine. Lol.
Later, as the kids were, playing with toys or calling friends or family, I would start making the special rolls that took hours to make in between phone calls.The smells were always wonderful. WE usually ate fairly early and a lot! I always made a rump roast for the main entree, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, special cloverleaf yeast rolls, and whatever vegetable I could get away with....with a chocolate cream pie for dessert.
Of course those were the years that we didn't live around family. When we lived around family, it was twice the chaos and 3 times the hassle. Christmas eve was spent at the paternal grandparents house with ALL of the family. Christmas day we spent at our house, then later to brother and sister in laws house where we always had Christmas dinner because they had the biggest and fanciest house. Sometimes we spent an hour or two at my parents house. Although my dad thought that was stupid since we had small children...so they usually came to us. Thank you very much! I appreciated that more than anything. My dad was cool like that! Growing up as an only child made these big Christmases foreign to me. But I was glad that my own children got to be surrounded by lots of family.
These days we have no contact with their dad or his family. My oldest daughter is the only one who has contact with her dad. The grandparents are deceased on both sides, their paternal grandmother only passed this year. We actually had a lot of contact with her. But with her death all contact with that part of the family has ceased. I have no family other than my children. I have distant relatives, but we don't know each other. I don't have any contact at all with my dad's family and they were the ones I was closest to growing up. They were a huge family but when my grandma died everyone kinda had minimal contact with each other. Most of them live in the same area but never see each other or rarely if they do at all. I haven't had any contact with them in about 8 years. They are lost to me, I don't even know if they are all alive. My mom's family? Well all of them are gone. I have a few cousins and we kept in contact after our last uncle died for a little bit, but that has dwindled to nothing really. I have contact with one cousin on Facebook and that is it. It is understandable, we didn't know each other growing up. They lived on the other side of the country. My mom and I only visited once. Two of my cousins and their mom visited us once and that was it.
I think that one thing that I have noticed is when the matriarch dies, it seems that the most families drift apart. I'm sure it is not for everyone. Every family is different, but I have noticed that it is usually the moms who try so hard to keep in contact with the kids and apprise them of what the others are doing. When that link is broken, many families are so busy with their own families that they neglect the relationships they have with their siblings, nieces, and nephews. Having had no siblings I am completely alone and cannot understand how this can happen in a family. I think many times the responsibility falls to the oldest child and he or she will try to keep the links alive. I think that will probably happen when I pass away. My kids will probably drift as well. Maybe it is our society that makes it easy to do....I don't know. I really want my kids to stay close but I notice that they don't even have a lot of contact right now and they live in the same town. They love each other and would be there if they were needed, I know that...I kinda have two sets of kids, the older two are separated from the younger two by many years. My youngest daughter told me that she doesn't really know what to say to the older two. She said she feels like she doesn't really know them and they really don't have anything in common. It is really sad to me. I don't know that there is anything I can do about it these days. I think that is one of the reasons why I hate living in this little apartment. When I had a big house we all had Christmas dinner together almost every year and the kids and I had a routine, even when there were boyfriends or girlfriends there. We hung out, talked, ate dinner, drank wine and then played games. It was fun, we laughed a lot. I miss that so much. The first year I was at THAT particular house was the first year I went totally crazy with decorating at Christmas. I had a formal living room with a big bay window where I put the tree and we had a fireplace that I decorated with garland and lights and stockings. I went insane with the decorations. Every end table had a little tree or some other decoration. For Christmas dinner I'd use the special Christmas tablecloths and with coordinating Christmas napkins and silver and gold napkin rings. I'd use the formal china and silver for the table. The centerpieces always included lit candles. I loved Christmas. What happened? I think the kids growing up, the scattering of my life as well as the fast pace of life in general has contributed to the loss of what was once so dearly loved.
I miss those times gone by. I miss the feelings, the emotions, the love, and the joy. Once lost, it is hard to regain.
OK what the hell is going on?!!!! I have been the witness lately to countless acts of high school behavior both on and off of Facebook. It is ridiculous that people, some of whom are LONG out of high school, are acting like teenagers. Not like fun, no care in the world teenagers, but bitchy he said-she said, "I'm gonna kick your ass" blah blah blah teenager. Seriously. I have been witness to some really ridiculous childhood type behavior from people who SHOULD know better.
I first noticed this awhile back when some friends were mad at each other, for whatever reason (I DON'T CARE! NOT MY BUSINESS!), and they were talking about each other on Facebook. Now I refuse to take sides when people do this and I really think it is a bad idea when people get in Facebook fights. I've been there and it really doesn't end well. It is one thing to fight about politics or whatever you choose to fight about that isn't personal. But when you start posting things about family members or friends or friends of friends or whatever.....well it can get REAL ugly REAL fast. Again, I know from personal and painful experience.
High School Case in point. Last Sunday. On Saturday night it started....a "friend" of mine on Facebook (she is actually my youngest son's friends sister) started posting some really mean stuff about her brother and then made a REALLY offensive post about her brothers girlfriend. Apparently they had all gotten into a huge fight that day and they left the sisters house. Anyway, to try and make this REALLY long story short. My son made a comment about how perhaps she shouldn't be saying this personal stuff on Facebook and how it is only going to make her brother mad, that it was not going to help the situation. Well the girl went insane and started this huge deal on Facebook, which I got caught up in when I got awakened by several phone calls in the morning from the sister. She left me a voicemail on one of them where she told me that I needed to rein in my son before he got his ass kicked. Now, first of all let me explain. This woman is almost my oldest daughters age, which is 29, ALMOST 30! My son is 22! He is a grown ass man! WHY would you call his mom? High school anyone? THEN I posted a response because I read the comments and saw that her 35+ year old boyfriend was making threats to my son. I told them that #1) NONE of this stuff was anyone's business, that they should NOT be posting their "family business" on Facebook. #2) I was not involved as it was NOT my business but they made it my business by calling my house numerous times and making threats #3) NOT a good idea to make threats via voicemail and via Facebook. #4) My son is a grown ass man and can take care of himself wtf are you calling me for, what are we back in HIGH SCHOOL?!!!! It just got worse from there, although the ONLY comments made to me were from the boyfriend who stated that he was just telling my son what the consequences were if he kept posting stuff...lol...not threats. To which I told him that he could call it what he wanted but a threat is a threat in the eyes of the law. The sister made NO COMMENTS to me (why? I don't know, scared? respect? beats me). Her friend made a comment that is too lewd to post and if I knew where she lived I would ask her to say it to my face.....IF I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! Anyway, the day just got worse and worse....why? Because these ADULTS were acting like they were in high school....making high school threats and talking smack about each other. In the end I helped the adults on my end (my son, his friend, and his friends girlfriend) do the calm thing and call the police to help them get their stuff from the sisters house, since it was raining and the 35 year old boyfriend had already tried to get physical with my son when my son ran into them at a music store the same day. These 2 ADULTS also purposely put their 10 year old daughter behind my son's car so that he couldn't pull out of the parking spot so that they could have this confrontation. These are adults? Parents? WHO DOES THESE THINGS????? HIGH SCHOOLERS!!!! The sister also thought it was a great idea to keep posting insulting stuff online and went as far as to make up a fake Facebook profile under her brothers girlfriends name and posted nearly naked pictures and sent "friend requests" from this fake profile to all of her brother's friends, me and her FATHER included. I have a daughter the same age (19), if she had done this to MY daughter we wouldn't be having this conversation, I'd be in jail for assault. She got the pictures from the cell phone of the girlfriend. She had REFUSED to let her have the phone back when the police went to the house. This is typical high school, "I hate you and I'm gonna get you back" behavior. Someone who is that age REALLY should know better by now. It is so petty and ridiculous!
Here's the thing. This is not the first example of this kind of behavior that I have seen exhibited by adults who REALLY should know better. I've seen 30 and 40 year-olds doing the same type of stuff. What the hell is wrong here?!!! We are ADULTS!!! Calling peoples moms? Telling people you are not gonna be their friend if you are friends with someone they don't like? Seriously? Cut the childhood high school bullshit behavior! What kind of example are these adults sending their own children???? Many of them DO have children and many of those children are old enough to be on Facebook and see this behavior.
How can we teach our kids when some of us need to learn ourselves. I have found that the online community is just as cliquey as any high school. I've seen it on many forums and on Facebook, MySpace, you name it.....I am just stunned, TRULY stunned by this kind of childish behavior. In my case, things got extreme here....police were called. You know why? Because with threats being made and people unable to restrain themselves someone could get hurt. More than feelings are at stake here. People have committed suicide from some of this same kind of stuff. Cyber-bullying is becoming more common and some of the biggest bullies are adults.
So here is my deal. If you don't like someone, don't be their friend. Don't be their friend in real life and don't be their friend in cyberspace. If you are pissed at someone....I don't know, maybe write them a PRIVATE e-mail or message.....or call and talk to them....or DON'T talk to them at all.....DON'T post a bunch of crap about them on the internet. Once words are said, they can't be unsaid. Once out in cyberspace, they are out there forever. If you don't like one of my friends....well I'm sorry, there is a reason why they are my friend as there is a reason why YOU are my friend. IF you ask me to choose, I won't. YOU will be the one to make that choice. I won't betray one friend for another. You don't have to be friends with each other. I won't talk shit about either of you to each other. I AM NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!
Doing a little reflection as usual. I figure I'd better use the time I have left before going back to work to contemplate as much as I can while my mind is relatively clear. Of course thinking about life has a tendency to provoke dreams, most of which I don't care for and others which are just weird to me.
So funny sometimes to watch TV or movies and see how marriage and divorce are handled. I mean once upon a time you would never even contemplate divorce. If you were in an unhappy marriage you were stuck. Makes me wonder how lightly we take marriage now. When I got married it was a time when the divorce rate was actually very high. Mainly because of the no-fault divorce and also because it was becoming more acceptable to be divorced. The stigma was lesser than it had been in the past. Although I was only 18 when I got married I took it VERY seriously. I wanted to be married, I wanted to devote my life to my husband. Of course at that time I didn't realize that I was not only devoting my life to him but I was giving up myself AND my life to him. Even now I can't seem to get rid of him in my head. The abuse that I suffered at his hands has stayed with me even all of these years after we divorced. The fact that we had children together binds us. Although, thankfully, I have no more contact with him. Except for the fact that he still owes almost $3,000.00 in back child support that I will most certainly never get. He won't work unless it's under the table so he will never be forced to pay it. This coming from a man who swore never to "fuck me over". Ha!
To talk about divorce means to go into the end of my marriage. There were a couple of deal breakers for me when it came to marriage. One was infidelity and the other was drug or alcohol abuse. ALL of these he was guilty of. I tried to ride it out, which I did for a time....until one night many years ago when he decided to purge himself of all of his guilt by puking his secret life all over me. It was a night of betrayal and pain of which I still have not recovered. The truth of the matter is that I endured abuse at his hands, both physical, emotional and then some, and for some reason I thought that it would make me immune to all of this. I mean I did anything and everything he wanted for the most part. Still it was never enough, I realized years later that it was not my fault. What he wanted could never be given to him by another. He was unhappy with himself and always expecting others to fix his life, to make him perfect and happy. You can't ever make a person happy if they are not happy with themselves first. In any case. I found out in one night...that inevitably stretched out into the following day...all of the things he had done during our marriage that I had not known. ALL of the cheating, some with people I knew, and all of the times I had suspected and he had slapped me down and tortured me with for YEARS, I had been right about all along but had been made to feel like a piece of crap for even thinking these things. Oh yeah, I found out how my life had been at risk thanks to him not using protection...a couple of these liasons were with hookers. The latest one was with a 19 year old employee of ours. A girl that he had tried to get me to fire at one point, while he was sleeping with her I might add. It was a little game with him, a sick and twisted game. There isn't enough blog space to type all of the humiliating things he did to me, positions he put me in. All of this for his amusement.
To learn in one night that I was betrayed by my husband for years, betrayed by people I knew as well, and knowing that I had defended him when there were times that others suspected. Or when things actually happened and he lied about them to me. One of the women he cheated with had a husband who told me that I had a problem and of course I thought that HE was the one who had a problem because his wife had come on to my husband but he had refused her. Later he would bed her and claim it was to get her to leave him alone, he blamed it on peer pressure...LoL... The woman was so devastated by this original rejection that she tried to kill herself. My husband had to go to the hospital because he was her supervisor in a top secret security position in the military. He had to stay there because she was so out of it that she was spouting stuff that she was claiming was military secrets. All the while I stayed at home and then stuck by my husband when he was called in by his superiors for this "incident".
To find out that I was a fool for YEARS was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to me. To be betrayed by my husband and at least one person whom I considered to be a friend was more than I could bear. To have been humiliated and degraded by someone whom I loved and devoted all of my adult life to at that point....it was the worse betrayal I have ever endured in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I trusted him with my life and my happiness. I gave him everything I had and then some. I wanted a marriage and a family.
I did not take the decision to divorce lightly. I tried to save the marriage even before I found out all of this stuff. But the thing is that when you don't have all of the information it is hard to succeed. Even after all of this I still didn't give up right away, but I will say that it was the last straw for me. I did not take divorce lightly. We had 4 children together for one thing. I also had spent all of my adult life with him so I didn't want to throw away all of those years. But in the end I had already done that by staying married to him when I knew that I was not happy nor was I being treated the way I deserved to be treated. Of course when you have low self esteem you think you ARE being treated the way you deserve to be. Especially when you are with someone who continually makes you feel as though you are lucky to be with them and that no one else would want you.
So in the end, divorce was the only option and it was the right one. I wish I had done it sooner, but if I did then I would never have had all of my children so regret can only go so far. I learned a lot from my marriage and divorce. The problem is that I am damaged in a way that I don't think can ever be repaired. I will never blindly trust in that way again. I gave away my love and trust to someone who deserved neither. Now I have none left to give. I tried once again, not marriage but love, and I got smacked by that as well. I know that I probably need to get a different attitude, just for self-preservation.
When I was going through my divorce I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone's business. It was especially painful there as everyone knew the circumstances (at least some of them) and everyone observed his crazy behavior. The heartening part was I was told by a good friend, who was the director at my daughter's preschool, that I was known around town as the rock. She said that so many people admired me for being so strong, being there for my kids, and taking over the business that my husband and I owned. All of this with a smile on my face and pain in my heart. It was nice to hear because it was better than the pity I was sure people felt towards me. Believe me, when Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock were going through their public break-ups I felt as though I understood more than the average woman about it. Only because living in a small town with the most public business made me a small town pseudo-celebrity at the time. Everyone knew me even if I didn't know them. To have such a public airing of what should be private was something that was extremely painful. I truly understood much of what they were going through, besides the obvious betrayal, on a smaller scale. It is tough enough to go through this kind of thing without having all of the gossip surrounding it. So my hats off to these ladies who have to go through this stuff on a much larger stage. I feel for them because I know a tenth of what it is like and it SUCKS!
Divorce is complicated and should never be taken lightly. Marriage is a commitment that every couple should strive to save. But sometimes no matter how committed you are your partner might not be. If I could give ANYONE a piece of advice when it comes to marriage, or life in general, it would be to trust your instincts. It could save you a world of pain later on. If I would have maybe I'd be in a better place right now....
Man, if it isn't always something! Kick me when I'm down why dontcha. I am just trying to make it to go back to work and it seems like there is a conspiracy to make me crazy....or is that keep me crazy? It just seems like everything just keeps going wrong and I don't know how much more I can handle. I have never felt so helpless. This time it's my car. Now I have been having problems with it the past month or two...or should I say my daughter has because I don't even drive it except to see my doctor every 2 weeks. Well we keep replacing things, hoping that it will fix the problem. So far, nothing has worked. We don't have any money to fix anything else, seriously. Now I THOUGHT we might have had the problem solved and those hopes just got dashed.
I was already thinking about selling my car, an SUV, as it was, I was looking for something smaller...but it has back due registration, the air conditioner doesn't work ($800 to fix), and the windshield has a big crack in it (at the bottom, thankfully). Anyway, my son's friends sister asked my son if I wanted to sell my car yesterday or the day before. Now her boyfriend who lives with her is a mechanic so she had no problem with the issues and she knew about the registration. So I thought about it and after my daughter called me telling me that the last thing we fixed on it yesterday STILL didn't fix the problem I said "YES!". Well my son just informed me that she no longer wants to buy the car. Seems she got into trouble at work today so I am assuming that she is worried about her job now. Anyway, she said that she no longer wants to buy it. Now, do I believe this? I don't know, I guess prior experience has made me skeptical. One thing I DO know is that I have had people ask me in the past if I wanted to sell my car (whichever one I had at the time) and the same thing has happened to my kids about their cars. People sound interested and they ask....then when you take them up on it, all of a sudden they have every excuse in the book for why they can't. Hey people if you are interested, say "Let me know if you ever want to sell your car, can't guarantee that I'll buy it but ask me first OK?". Now THAT is the way to do it. Not act all interested and tell someone that you want to buy their car and then as soon as they say OK...say oh no I can't....That is just not right. I'm not saying this is the case here....just saying that it is an experience I'm familiar with.
So now I am really in a bad situation, more so than before. My daughter's car is still broken and she needs to get to school and work. I am supposed to go back to work the first couple of days of January....now how am I going to get there....great, just great. It just seems like I can't catch a break! It's just one thing after another after another.....DAMMIT! I really don't know what I am going to do in the short term not to mention the long term. I mean the car's air conditioning already doesn't work. I was originally thinking of selling it just for that reason alone....but I would keep it if I had to but I can't afford even the smallest car repair right now. My son paid for some of the recent repair and my daughter paid for some of the last repair. It is only fair since she is the one driving it. But she can't keep paying for this and I can't...so I don't know what I am going to do now....
I just truly don't know how many more setbacks I can handle. I mean in the scheme of things this isn't so bad...IF I WAS WORKING! But with only living off of disability and food stamps (a whole $37 worth of those!) I am barely surviving as it is....to try to fix the car too???? Like I said, if I was working it wouldn't be so bad. I mean one of the parts is like $40, if it another part then I am looking at almost $200, which I pray it isn't that! But I have no way of knowing until we put the part in. Not like you can take these parts back either....*sigh*
You know what is sad? I was finally working myself into another mode, preparing to go back to work....trying to find a way to deal with that....then I was looking into trying to fix some of the financial messes I've gotten into since being on disability. So I was going in the right direction....I am trying so damn hard and I feel like no matter how hard I try the fates are conspiring against me. I mean karma is kicking my ass from years ago. My hormones are NOT helping my depression either. I figured out some ways to deal with some of these issues. But when you get to a certain point....it's like I just want to give up!!!!! I have been through much worse things, don't get me wrong....I am just much more vulnerable now that I've been breaking down my walls in therapy. Makes me begin to wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes I wonder if my mother used to cry when she was dealing with this kind of stuff. I don't really remember her ever crying about anything, maybe she cried when her dad died....She just never showed that kind of thing to me. Maybe she cried to my dad....although I never heard her cry. I saw her depressed A LOT. Always deep in thought. My mom spent most of her days, when she wasn't actually doing some chore or errand or volunteer work, she would be pacing in the house, in the kitchen, listening to the radio and drinking a beer. She would nurse that beer for HOURS. She was an unusual alcoholic in that she didn't get drunk. She drank every single day, but never got drunk. It is really weird. She was still a great mom considering all of the abuse she suffered as a child. She always tried her best with me. I never, ever doubted that she loved me. Of that I will forever be grateful.
Well I think that is enough for now....just got off of the phone with my son who seems convinced that I can still sell my car to someone on Craig's List....umm I doubt it....even I wouldn't buy my car. It is a great car, don't get me wrong....but with not knowing what the problem is and knowing that the AC doesn't work, the registration is behind, AND the windshield is cracked....ummm nope, wouldn't buy it. But my son did say that he will buy me a new fuel filter and we will see if that is the problem. It is the last "cheap" thing we can try.....I hope that is it.....*sigh*
Once upon a time...I was a little girl. Yep, I know, weird. Any woman over the age of 35-40 must remember all of the fairy tale propaganda we were fed as little girls. I know I do. I, was not only fed it, but I believed it. It wasn't until I was 19-20 years old that the fairy tale began to get chipped away. Truth be told it should have been chipped away before that, but I was a naive young woman. You would think with some of the life experiences I had had up to that point that I would have been spoiled against the fairy tale already. But I think I wasn't because I thought that although I was traumatized by incidents at a young age, I STILL thought that one day my prince would come and I would live happily ever after.
My first problem was the "prince". Like most young girls I pictured tall, dark, and handsome. But most of my boyfriends were short, skinny, albeit attractive. Or even if he was tall there was something that got in the way. Usually something stupid, like my age. I was just thinking today about my last boyfriend I had, before I met the boyfriend who would eventually become my husband... Good ole Matt. I still think of him from time to time. The what-if's of life always cause you to do that. I met Matt at my first job when I was just turning 17. He went to a rival school, the same one my ex-husband went to as a matter of fact. This job was great for me, I was able to show what a go-getter I was. But more importantly I was a "mystery" to the people who worked there. The guys didn't know me so they had no preconceived notions about my high school rep, which trust me I didn't really have. I was involved in drama the first couple of years of high school and then yearbook the last 2. Exciting, I know! Anyway, the point is that for some reason I was very interesting to the guys there and I was very interested in them as well. It went both ways. I didn't know their reps either. All I knew is that most of them were very cute. Matt happened to be one of them. But of course he also happened to be short....like maybe 2-3 inches taller than me, but short for a guy. And skinny. I wasn't fat at the time, but I felt fat next to the skinny guys. He happened to be great on paper when you think about it. He came from a close Catholic family of 10 kids, held down 2 jobs in high school, was going to college to be a nuclear physicist when he got out of high school (he actually DID become one), and saved up enough to buy a really cool pristine Dodge Charger...all in the space of the small amount of time I knew him. Our first "date" was a group date with friends, some that I knew from work, and several that I didn't know. It was kinda scary for me, I was shy around people I didn't know. Our "official" first date was to dinner and then the state fair. Now you may ask, what was wrong? Well nothing, on the surface....but under the surface...Well first of all, our first date also entailed a visit to meet his parents, as well as several of his brothers and sisters. Now I had never formally met anyone's parents, especially a boyfriends. I was petrified. He moved too fast. Then there was the issue of chemistry. He felt it and I didn't. I was more experienced, which wasn't a lot, but it showed. God love him, he tried. I just never felt it. I felt more chemistry with a guy that I had only met once a few years earlier than I had with Matt. He was a nice guy. Problem one. The fairy tales don't tell you that you probably won't have physical chemistry with the nice guy. The bad boys? Oh hell yeah, chemistry galore. But the nice guys, the ones you SHOULD be wanting to marry....nope no chemistry. So although he tried, I never felt the necessary chemistry to keep up the relationship and I *gulp* broke his heart. I found this out many years later when I was working with a girl who had been good friends with him after high school. She said I was the one who broke his heart and it took him years to get over me. Talk about karma and a kick to the head.
I had broken a few hearts, when I was younger of course. I regret it terribly. Nothing I can do to make up for it. Sometimes I think my bad luck with relationships is my karmic payback. Although I think that my payback waaay outweighed the heartbreak I caused. I do feel terrible about it, I truly do. Not because I haven't been able to find a man to love me the way I deserve, I feel terrible because I didn't do it the right way. I hurt these boys without being truthful about it, being upfront. I wasn't mindful of their feelings, I just was too scared to tell them that it just wasn't going to work out. It's not you, it's me. That would have been much kinder than just not telling them why.
Now you must wonder, what was it that made me start to realize that life was not a fairy tale and that I wasn't going to be living happily ever after. Truthfully, it was simply finding out that someone who worked with my husband at the time was having an affair. Actually it was a couple of guys that worked with my husband. I was shocked! I was only around 20 and I knew both the husbands and the wives, and I knew the "other women". They all worked together. Little did I know that my own husband would also enter into his first affair right after the birth of my 2nd child, which wasn't too long after that. In fact most of my husbands affairs were preceded by the birth of one of our children. The last affair? It was after I almost died giving birth to our 4th and last child. This is when he decided it was time to tell me about ALL of the women he had slept with while we were married, most were when I was pregnant or right after I had a baby. Each time he sited that I was bitchy with the pregnancy. (!) The last one? He was afraid that I was going to die, I almost did, so he thought he should have someone just in case I died. Nice huh? But guess what ladies....this is not unusual. Many men would rather be with someone, anyone, than to be alone. I am not the only one to learn this. I think it is why I am terrified to be with anyone again. I've been the "anyone" and that is no way to live. No thank you.
So in conclusion I have to say that ignorance was bliss for me, for many years....I enjoyed it and if I knew then what I know now? I would have probably never fulfilled my life-long dream to get married and have children. So I guess the telling of fairy tales is good for something.
I feel as though I am only an observer in life, no longer a participant. It is shocking and sad not to think of a future. I mean, I'd like to think I have one...but as I get older, with the PTSD being so bad right now, I no longer look to the future as a time of unknown possibilities. I spoke to an old man once who told me that he no longer looked to the future, he said he was just waiting to die, said there wasn't anything else to look forward to. Even in my current condition I am struggling and trying to look forward to something, anything....One thing that happens, unbidden, I think of things I should have done. Just pops into my head, "oh damn I should have done this!". I don't get all maudlin about it, I just think..."dammit that would have been great, I wish I had thought of that. Why didn't I think of doing that?". I have to tell you, it SUCKS!
Right now I am just waiting....I am due to go back to work on Jan. 3rd, I am resigned to that. I don't want to, I have to say. Not because of work per se, mainly because I will have only been on my medication for a week before I go back. That isn't a lot of time. I am worried. But it can't be helped, I can't get into see the county doc until the end of December. So I am not going back to work in the optimum physical and mental state. With all that is going on with the world and the hostility I see every single day, it not only worries me, but it scares me. I don't know that I can handle it. But I have to try. At least until something else comes along. I have starting working on another blogging project and it seems like it could be interesting. It is part of a social experiment I'm doing. I like it because it interests me and I can see potential in it. It grew out of frustration. I look at it as a positive outlet for a lot of my anger. I am interested to see how it goes. I am trying desperately to restart my return to society as it were. I need something that will give me a little pleasure, something to focus on besides my depression. I recently corresponded with a friend of mine who sounds like she is going through much of what I am. I felt so badly. I feel just like she does. How common is this? She is not on medication either. I am here to tell you that some of us desperately NEED medication. It really helps. It is painful not to be on it. People don't realize that medication for people with disorders such as PTSD or depression or anxiety is an essential treatment. Without it we are in horrible pain. Not necessarily physical, although that actually can happen depending on your disorder, but emotional and mental pain. I feel it every day. Like a headache, some days the pain is more severe than others. This morning the pain caused me to have issues with breathing, because I was feeling panic coming on. No rhyme or reason, it just happened. There is not always a known trigger, sometimes it just happens. It starts with anxiety and graduates to panic. Thankfully I caught it both times and was able to get it under control with slow, deep breathing. It is painful, it truly is. Imagine suddenly feeling like you are going to die. Literally. I am just glad that I didn't have to resort to medication as I only have a handful of anti-anxiety medication left. By that I mean, about 5 pills. I always used them sparingly, which is why I still have some left. I haven't been on medication for many months so I am lucky that I handle my meds in this way. So if I can just get through the next month and a half I might just make it. Of course it seems like I can't tell how it is going to go one day to the next.
I am so glad that I am going to see my therapist Tuesday. We really need to get down to the nitty gritty with my therapy. I have to be able to conquer more things before I go back to work. I want to get to the bottom of my issues and it just seems like I keep dealing with what is happening right NOW. That is all well and good but a lot of what is going on right now has it's roots in my past. I am really needing to focus on these things so that I can truly get past them and maybe it will be a little easier to cope with things that are going on right now. I think a lot about my past. Things that I did and didn't do, things that happened and how I dealt with them, or in some cases didn't deal with them. I don't think I have enough time to fully deal with so much that has happened in my life. I mean my doctor has seen trauma in my life that I didn't even realize was traumatic until he mentioned it and I realized how bad it was. I mean, I was always in such a hurry to get through stuff. As a child the trauma's I went through just became bad things in my life that I tried to forget. As an adult I was too busy with kids and staying alive in my marriage to deal with all of the trauma I was experiencing. I didn't have the time and it has caught up to me in a big way as these things tend to do. I think that is why I am falling apart right now. It was just too much to keep inside anymore. Now I am an open wound. It is scary. I need to deal and move on. I will probably be in therapy for many, many years at this point. Although some trauma's are tied to others so maybe I can cut some of the time off? lol.
Well I think this entry is long enough. I know that not many people read this. But those who do...thank you. I hope that if you are a friend that maybe you understand me a little better. If you are an impartial observer, I hope that my sharing my struggles help you to see that you are not alone.
