Cry Me an Ocean.....

Went to Dr. H yesterday and spent most of the session crying like a damn baby. But I know it's a good thing, at least that's what he tells me.

Right when I came in for my session he could tell from looking at me that I wasn't doing well. I told him that I feel like such a failure right now not being able to provide for my family. I've never not been able to do that before. The nicest thing happened today when I told my youngest son this while we were at the grocery store where I had $15 to spend. My son said "Mom, stop it, your providing for us right now". So I guess even though I feel so useless, my son seemed to think that I did OK today. I really needed to hear that.

The biggest tears were when I told my doctor that I am still dreaming of my ex-husband. I starting crying, "Why? Why won't he leave me alone!". The hurt and pain makes me want to cry right now. The trauma is still there, still fresh. In fact it seems fresher than it's been in a long time. I don't understand it because I have been divorced for longer than I was married. Dr. H says that it is because I am digging in deep to do the work that I need to do. He likened it to an untreated infection that left untreated continues to fester, when you start to treat it you have to dig in and get all of the bad stuff out before you can get better. Getting the bad stuff out is very painful and is what I'm experiencing right now. I asked him if I will ever feel OK again. He said that it is going to take a long time, but I'm doing the work and it sounds as though it is going to get worse before it gets better. Right now I have suicidal idiations and that sucks more than you know given my history. But as my doctor and I discussed I won't do anything. I don't want to put my kids through what my dad's suicide did to me. We talked about hospitalization where I can get my medication settled. He is also going to talk to Dr. G and see if we can do anything with my meds. 

The last thing I want is to be in a hospital. I've never been in a Psychiatric hospital before but I know many people close to me who have been. Nothing wrong with it, but I want to keep fighting as long as I can. My doctors have both made me promise to call if things get too bad. Dr. H also gave me a goal between yesterday and tomorrow and I have already completed it, so that is a positive step. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to do a short phone session. He wants to see me twice a week for awhile but I told him that I am having a hard enough time coming once a week due to transportation problems so I will just have to do the best I can. 

I hate feeling like this and not knowing when I am going to get better. Although as Dr. H has told me, I have made progress. Just crying like my heart is breaking is a good sign. I just hate hurting. He did ask me what is one of the things that bothered me most about my marriage and I told him the fact that I had been so naive and was duped into thinking he was someone that he wasn't. He told me that when we look at other people, we see ourselves in them and that is why it is hard to believe that someone close to us could be so cruel or awful, because we wouldn't do the things that they do. It throws us for a loop. Charm is a big deal with my ex and you add that to my idealization of him as a person and it is understandable. He did things that I could never imagine someone doing to someone that they love which is what made the abuse and the trauma that much worse. 

I truly hope that I can get through the week. I guess it is like they say, one day at a time. Trying to be strong is so hard because I have been so strong for so long. I think I did it for my kids all of these years and now that they are older it is much harder for me to do. I am tired. It takes every little bit of my energy just to exist right now and I have to dig to do more. Which is what I am doing with my blogs and with eBay. I am digging hard trying to stay alive. But I am determined to get through this somehow. Thankfully I have help and the support of some of my friends. And of course, Tesla. Listening to the sons I like best is helping in its way, so I'll keep listening and I'll keep blogging. Maybe the two together will get me home. :-)

The Difference that True Friends and Great Music Make.

T

Today was one of those days where I didn't want to wake up. I knew I had lots to do and after the stress of my kids fighting last night....well I wasn't anxious to get up. Next to my bed I keep my cell phone and noticed that the red button was flashing, which means I had an e-mail. I opened my e-mails to see that a dear friend of mine had purchased some of the items I had for sale on eBay. I alternated between being really happy and really embarrassed. At this time we were pretty much completely out of food which caused my son to be particularly grouchy. In the end I was so grateful. I wasn't sure what we were going to do. Although the "losing weight because we have no money for food" diet is effective, it is not good for ones brain nor for your body. I know that she will enjoy the items that she purchased, so that makes me feel better. I know that we are all in bad shape in this country, in my case some of my friends have really stepped up to the plate and helped me, each in their own way. Another dear friend came from out of town and took me and another friend out to dinner the other night, which was great. I was in need of food, but I was also in need of companionship and needed to see the outside of my apartment. I had a very pleasant time and that is something that I don't have much of these days. It was so good to see them both.

Today my friends were really supportive and stroked my ego on Facebook and even here on my blog. Something else I needed. Right now I have no ego. I don't feel OK most of the time, sometimes I don't feel worthy of my friends and my life. It is a bad place to be. Even though my children are grown, I still have 2 of them living with me and I feel like a failure when I can't pay what needs to be paid, but especially when I can't afford to buy any food for them. So it was truly a blessing to have my friends building me up today. 

For most of my life I didn't have many friends. I think I pretty much made it that way. I could only handle a couple at a time. Being an only child probably made it easier I guess. I just didn't go out looking for friends. But several years ago something happened........

I was ready to put a bullet in my head, I was NOT in a good place. Then one night, I went to a concert with my oldest son. One of the guys in the band I had gone to high school with and I was particularly interested in how he was doing since I knew he had some serious drug problems and had just gone through rehab again. Well, the band knocked my socks off. For once I actually was listening closer to what they were singing. When I went home I ordered their new CD and was able to also hear it online. I joined their website, which I had never done before. I lurked in their forum section for awhile and finally took the plunge and started posting. First it was a little, and I was nervous, but everyone for the most part seemed really nice. Next thing you know I was talking to everyone and having the best time. The highlights of my days became this message board. Finally I traveled with my daughter to a show out of town and met people from the board, one who eventually became my best friend. I gained a confidence that I had never had before. I just decided, fuck it, I'm going to put myself out there and see what happens. Most of the people seemed so much like me. 

 

Soon I was traveling out of town and out of state to see and hang with the band. 
But more importantly, to hook up with all of these new friends. Some of them I count as my very best friends to this day. Even though I don't really get to see them much anymore. Life has gotten in the way and my PTSD, after getting this job, has reared it's very ugly head and made me hide away again. I want to be the person I was a few years ago. That is when I am at my happiest and that is who I truly am. Right now I feel like a failure, like I am only existing in this shell. I need to get ME back. 

I listened to some of the band's music today, many of us were posting videos of the band to enjoy and it just reminded me of how much I love them and how the music makes me feel so much better about everything. I need to go back to listening to them again. I want to be happy again and maybe this will help. Try it yourself and see how you feel.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQcS_C8jqVE 

Tesla - Try So Hard - Acoustic

 
This video goes with my next blog!

Am I going to be an economic and mental health casualty?

Well this picture here could be me within the year if things don't get better sooner rather than later. Only there will be 3 little dogs with me instead of one big one.

My son had to withdraw his offer of my youngest daughter and I living in his big house. He said his wife isn't down with that. Now, I love my daughter-in-law and truthfully I'm not taking it personally. I think that she's just had enough of other people living in the house with them. Especially my older daughter who they had some issues with, actually a lot of issues with. So I can't blame her for not wanting to "go there". I truly was not leaning that way, I hate to give up my space. But it was nice to know it was an option if things got too bad. Now, well I don't think I have too many options. I need to make this work somehow. The issue is being on disability. With the PTSD both of my doctors do not believe I can, nor should, go back to my previous job. So what do I do. I'm selling stuff on eBay and still trying to deal with my PTSD at the same time and the illness gets in the way a lot.

  I spoke to my therapist the other day and I told him that I was going to have to go back to work, whether I liked it or not. I am in danger of losing my storage right now, seriously. And if I can't pay back one of my bank accounts for the money that I am overdrawn, I will be in serious trouble and will probably lose my job on that basis alone. It is so frustrating. If the insurance company was more interested in my health than in their profits, well this would be a very different situation. By not approving my being paid for my disability they are in fact adding more stress to an already stressful situation. I mean they approved my disability, which means they agree that I'm disabled, right? But they don't want to pay for it, they say I CAN go back to work. Makes no sense. I am not sure what I am going to do. I still have to write the letter to them appealing their decision. I truly don't think they will change their mind, nor does my therapist. But I have to try. It is just such a fine line. If you write a good letter, they think that you should have no problem working, I mean obviously your mind is functioning. Of course they don't understand that this is not the problem. Flashbacks and panic attacks with the stress is the problem. I can't freak out on a call and do my job. Duh!

 

I was shaking the other day when I spoke to Dr. H about the calls I get. I told him that I just wanted to throw the phone across the room. He asked me how long I thought I'd make it if I went back and I said, maybe a month. He said he didn't think I'd last more than an hour or two. Wow. So my job, before I see Dr. H on Tuesday, is to update my resume and think as I'm updating it, about this job and what the worst part is. Somehow I am supposed to wrangle it down to one thing. Don't think I can do that. We are still talking about the EMDR, he wants to see if we can fit it into my therapy. Especially if I am determined to go back to work at this job. Do I want to? Hell no. The thought makes me get anxious and want to jump out a window. 

Not a good thing I'd say. I am also looking at jobs available in my area to see if there is a better fit somewhere else. Doctors orders. So far, no real luck. But it is hard when I have no way to get to work and right now I need new tires for my car that my daughter is driving. I am seriously probably going to sell my car as I've looked into the blue book on it. My daughter has thrashed it and it just isn't nice anymore. I want to get a new one for myself that only I will drive!

My youngest son is finally trying to get a job. He was told to come in today and talk to the manager and get interviewed. Of course when he went in there the guy that was there (not the manager) said that he couldn't even get an application until the open interviews which they usually have on Friday (today is Friday)....oh but not this Friday. Come in on Monday and ask is what he told my son. They are so dumb there. My son will be the best worker they have I think, if they hire him. 

He is being forced to get a job based on our situation, which is a good thing I think. That and the fact that his unemployment extension ran out and congress wouldn't approve another one for anyone. The republicans wanted all of these concessions and it seemed to me that they got them, but it wasn't good enough. Only 3 votes short! I know they are concerned about the deficit, aren't we all? But this is going to hurt so many people. I know more people who are being laid off right now and there are so many who now have no more unemployment. Losing homes, jobs, food stamp monies....what are people supposed to do? I know around my area we are in the double digits for unemployment and there are people turning to crime. Home invasions are up. Drug dealing is up. I just found out the other day that the house that I was living in that got foreclosed on, the one that was valued at $280,000 back in 2007, was sold the other day for $70,000.00. I didn't even pay that much for it when I bought it. 

It's pretty bad....so don't be surprised if you see me on the street at some point if things don't get better soon.....just drop me a quarter or something ok? I promise I won't buy alcohol with it. lol

Isn't boredom the root of something bad? Evil or something?

The past couple of days have been really strange. Last night my son went out with his friends, which I thought was a good thing considering he was so upset about his unemployment extension being blocked by congress. OK, not just his, many people are affected. Anyway, while he was gone his best friend posted something very similar to what my son had posted on Facebook. It was basically FML. In case you didn't know, FML=Fuck My Life. What is the difference between depression and extreme boredom? Anyone have any idea? I'm not really sure myself anymore. I started going back and forth with my son's friend about positive things going on in his life. For instance, the fact that he has a job. His response was that he was still bored and that anything he wanted to do costs money. He feels as though he is going nowhere in his life. Like he is going to be stuck. Like my youngest son he is in his early 20's and still living with his parents. 

  I remember what it was like to be his age, of course my life was very different. I was already married, had a child, and was living overseas. So I started thinking about when I was a teenager. It was much easier to be bored in those days I think, at least as far as options go. A handful of channels on the TV and maybe one or two radio stations that played the music you liked. But still boredom is boredom, so I thought about the things that I did and I mentioned to him about setting some goals for himself and figuring out how to achieve those goals. Most kids these days do not seem to be setting goals for themselves other than, "I want to be a rock star" or "I want to make a million dollars". Well how are you going to achieve that? A music label is not going to come to your door with a contract and unless you win the lottery, you are going to have to do something to make that million dollars. You have to be proactive in life to live instead of just existing.

  I feel very much like a teenager these days as far as goals go and boredom. Boredom is VERY bad for someone with PTSD. It seems inevitable that if you find no joy in life, how do you set goals and how do you find a way to get past the boredom? That is something I am still working on with the help of my therapist. I am in dire need of money, which also happens to be a good motivator as well as a major stressor. But it is still a struggle every single day. I am bored and all I want to do is sleep. I know it is not good and so I am trying to focus a little bit each day on some goals. It is really hard when you have no energy. But it has to be done. Somehow. So I kept trudging on. When you have 2 people in one house who are both depressed and bored, it can be dangerous. Thankfully I came up with something concerning my son and for once he doesn't seem to be fighting me. I hope that is a good sign. He actually seems as though he may try to get a job for a nice change. He isn't fighting it right now, which is progress.

  Right now boredom is something that neither of us needs, we'll save that for work! By the way I'd like to leave you with this book that is still in print and still relevant if you are not sure what to do with your life for a career. Good luck!

Arrgghh! FML! It's always something!

Dammit!!!!! If it is not one thing, it's another. There is nothing like trying to get things together in your life and getting something else thrown in to make it worse. I'm already stressed out and now more bad news to stress me out further. This time it is my youngest son. He just got a notice, instead of a check, stating that his unemployment ran out. Congress hasn't approved an extension yet so he has to keep sending in his slips and not getting any check. I, for one, cannot afford this. I am already overdrawn in one account that I want to fix, but I can't at the moment. I am expecting money from both of my daughters. My oldest daughter has owed this money to me for a little while and was supposed to pay me with her bonus that she got a week ago. But of course something went wrong and the money went away, so I didn't get paid. My youngest daughter still owed me a little money from her last check, but it wasn't a lot so I wasn't worried. Now she borrowed money for gas (still not worried) but then she borrowed money for a rave that she has been wanting to go to on Friday, out of town. Now I agreed to lend her the money only because I know that she gets paid the day of the rave and can't get up to get her check as they have to leave early. She is pretty good about paying me back. But I look at what she owes me right now and it is starting to add up again. The issue is that she didn't work one of the days that she was supposed to work so that means her check will be less. It just worries me. I know she will pay me most of what she owes me, I just need all of it right now and I know she doesn't have it. Combine that with my son and my oldest daughter and I am in trouble here. 

  Add to that the fact that my bank sent my storage check back to the storage place where I am supposed to go tomorrow to clear out what I can out of one of them so that I can get rid of it since I really can't afford two anymore. The deal I had expired, which has almost doubled the price. Anyway, I am sure they are not going to let us in to the storage unit until I pay what I owe PLUS a late fee. All together it will be close to $200.00. I can't afford that AND my rent. Not sure what I'm going to do. I am selling what I can, it is hard not living in a house I can't have a yard sale so I am selling what I can on eBay. But that is not optimum sometimes, depending what you are selling. It is just stressing me out too much. I don't need this kind of stress. But there doesn't seem any way to avoid it. Now I can listen to my son being upset about his situation that he doesn't do enough to change in my opinion. We are probably going to end up fighting again because we are both stressing. Another thing I don't need. Arrrggghhhh!!!!!

  A funny thing happened the other day though. My oldest son talked to me about the possibility of me and my youngest daughter moving into he and his wife's house since he is probably losing a couple of his roommates. Of course he has to talk to his wife first. I am still undecided though. I like having my own place and although I wouldn't mind living with them, financially it would probably be a blessing. I just am not sure. Right now it is nice to live in my own place, I am comfortable for the most part. If I moved in there I'd have to put all of the rest of my stuff in storage, probably never to see it again. That is not something I would be too happy about. But at the same time, my son and I get along great, I love his wife too, and I would be a better roommate than his older sister is right now. But I need to do some thinking. My lease doesn't expire for awhile so I have a little time. But one thing I will say, I heard from my oldest daughter that apparently one of their neighbors bug bombed their house and the roaches from their house are now coming into my son's house. Ummm I HATE roaches with a passion!!!!!! I would go crazy!!!! So I won't even consider it unless they get that taken care of!!!!!

  I don't know about you but one of the worst things I hate about stressing like this is that I'm a stress eater. Right now I have gone through almost a half a box of EL Fudge cookies. This has GOT to stop!!!!! Yum, but dammit!!!!!!

   I also found out that some of the things I need to sell on eBay are apparently in storage, although I don't know how they got in there. They were supposed to be in my house so I am a little concerned and hoping that I find them tomorrow. God please help me get through this stress without eating my weight in cookies!!!! Maybe I need this book w/games and stuff! Something to get my mind off the stress! I didn't know they offered games for stress relief, I am only aware of the stress balls that I have at work. BLAH!!!!!

 

Cry baby, yep that's me.

This week I had 2 doctors appointments, one with my Psychiatrist and one with my therapist. Both were fruitful for different reasons.

The Psychiatrist, Dr. G, was first, on Monday. I told him about my overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of dread that I had last week and so he gave me Klonipin, which seems like a good choice so far as I haven't had the feeling since I started taking it first thing every morning. It will make my life easier if I don't have to wait for an attack to take a Xanax. I am trying so hard to get my life going and it has been really hard. I was starting to feel very defeated. I confess, I wanted to give up and die. I have been so bored of life and nothing is making me the least bit content. But I haven't given up yet, I can't, I have kids. Having had a father commit suicide I have sworn that I won't no matter what. It is a hard promise to keep sometimes.

  Dr. H was VERY helpful as always. He questioned if some of these feelings of dread and anxiety may have something to do with my ex-mother-in-laws death and the fact that her family and my ex are trying to contact me. I think it could definitely have something to do with it. I have no desire to see or talk to any of them ever again. The anxiety is just a reminder of all of the pain. When I was talking to Dr. H about my feelings and the fact that I don't have any, and I want to, I began crying when he asked me what I felt at that moment and all I could say was, "All I feel is hurt and pain". He told me that that is the outside layer that we need to get through to get those other feelings out. Everything is buried so deep. I just feel the bad stuff and I want to feel the good stuff. I had almost 2 years of great happiness, self confidence, and love for myself and others. Where did that go???? I want it back, I need it back!!!! I can't live without some joy somewhere.

  For someone who never cries, it was a shock to me that tears just started streaming down my face. I think it is a credit to my trust in my therapist. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I know it is cathartic, but it is alien to me these days. When I was a kid, I cried all of the time when my feelings were hurt, same with when I was married. But I have turned to stone because I've been hurt so much. So maybe this is a turning point... I hope so. It is part of the road to healing. It is going to take a long time to heal, none of the damage was done overnight so it won't be cured overnight either.

If you've noticed I added some favorite items from Amazon, I LOVE Amazon. There are some great books to read, some that are relevant to this condition and some just because they are good. The Stieg Larsson trilogy is good because it does address mental illness. The trilogy starts with "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I highly recommend it. I also recommend reading PTSD for Dummies. Any Dummies book I have found to be particularly useful if you have a hard time paying attention or need things explained in a way that makes it very easy to understand. Believe me I have Dummies books for everything from History to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Jewelry Making. So pick one up, the links are on the side bar for Amazon and on this blog.

I hope that one day soon I will hear from someone who reads this blog, if anyone. I would be curious to hear about your experiences and if you've had therapy, how has it worked for you?

Until next time.....

So tired of this damn depression!

I

I keep thinking this depression is lifting a little and then it just comes roaring back. When you suffer from PTSD or simple depression you no longer seem to enjoy things that you used to love. I am feeling that always. But it is getting worse again. I think I just get tired of fighting it. Sometimes it seems easier to just give it up. Hell I think anyone who is depressed feels this way at some point. I am just so tired of this, every day I feel a level of it. Sometimes it is livable and other times I just want to die. That of course sucks because I am determined not to. 

  Last night I had an overwhelming feeling of dread and panic. I walked around a bit and I couldn't shake the fact that I was about to have an uncontrollable panic attack. Straight out, not able to breathe panic attack of the severe order. Luckily I realized that I did have Xanax. Duh. So I took one and it helped. Although I actually had some sort of attack in the middle of the night, one I hadn't had in years. I kind of start to throw up in my mouth and I can't breathe. It is a horrible feeling not being able to breathe. Thankfully I am going to see my Psychiatrist on Monday so I can tell him about this and see what we can do or what he thinks is going on. If not, I see my therapist on Tuesday, maybe he can make sense of it. 

  My ex-mother-in-law was buried today. I wasn't there of course and I kinda broke my therapists edict. My ex-brother-in-law was trying to contact me and other family members were trying to get a hold of the kids so I broke down and sent my ex-bro-in-law an e-mail letting him know how sorry I was about his mom's passing and how much she meant to us, but also letting him know that most of us would not be there. I gave him reason's mainly so that my daughter, who was going, would not be put in the position of having to tell them why we weren't there. I hope that my therapist will agree that it was a good move. After all, I didn't contact my ex-husband.  My daughter told me that she did not go to the gathering after the funeral, which I think was the right choice for her. It is sad that I care what that damn family thinks about us, I really shouldn't...hopefully my therapy will get me to the point where I really won't care. I mean on one hand I don't but on another I do and it makes me mad. I don't like for people to think badly about me. Maybe it's my need to please all of the time, I don't know.

  I need to write an appeal about my disability being denied, at least the paid part, because they are wanting me to pay back what they paid me. I would rather that they hadn't paid me at this point. They just don't understand what this job is really all about, but my therapist doubts they will change their mind, but I have to try.

  Right now financially we are strapped, badly. State disability is not enough to live on. But I do have some things out there that I am TRYING desperately to work on. It is hard when you suffer like this. I need to make A LOT of money to keep my insurance, even if I made enough to live on it is hardly stable. When you are depressed like this it is hard to stay motivated as well. I am doing the best that I can but I don't ever want to do anything at all. Today all I wanted to do was sleep, I could barely keep my eyes open for hours. It was weird because I've had so much trouble getting to sleep. Now I can't wake up. 

  I just want to feel good again. I felt good for like almost 2 years and it was the best two years of my life. I want to feel like that again or at least a little bit like that. I hate feeling like this, unable to enjoy anything. Sucks.

 

Rest in Peace.

 

 This is a very difficult blog to write tonight. I got a call yesterday that my ex-mother-in-law passed away the night before. I can't say that it was totally unexpected, but it is still a shock. 

  The relationship I had with her was complicated over the years. She was, after all, the mother of the person who caused me the most pain in my life. She was a very difficult woman. But later in life I came to understand her better and we actually bonded quite a bit. She hurt my children a lot, although I am sure that was not her intention. But that was normal for her. She truly did not realize how harsh and hurtful she was to everyone. This is not to say that she couldn't be nice, she could. But she could also be devastating with a single phrase. I know that she loved my kids and I know that she loved me. It was not easy to love her, but I did. 

  Lucky for me I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday so I was able to talk to him about all that I was feeling, I cried a bit, and I have to say that I also railed a bit at some of the messed up moments that she contributed to. One thing I can say is that she loved her children dearly. She would defend them no matter what. Which is what a good mother should do. Like I said this is difficult. I really had problems with her a lot during my marriage as well as afterward. I was not used to being badgered. She could be very forceful with her opinions and unlike my own mother she would always tell you what you were doing wrong and never what you were doing right. Not to mention that she pretty much thought she was the only person who knew how to take care of children. We clashed on that A LOT. My mother was of the opinion that you make your own mistakes and learn. That has served me very well in my life.

  My oldest daughter is taking this worse than any of my kids and she was the one who clashed the most with her grandmother. They fought with each other and hurt each other a lot. Not to mention the fact that my ex mother in law never said she was sorry. I only heard that from her ONCE in the over 30 years I knew her and that was only recently. She actually tried to contact me a few days ago, but I didn't take the call and of course that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. But at the same time it may have been a good thing. I would hate my last conversation with her to have been a bad one and it very easily could have been one considering some of the stuff that happened in the last couple of months. In the end I think I will have to be content with that and live with that. 

  When I went to my therapist I told him that I was going to send my ex-husband an e-mail telling him that I was sorry about his mom. My therapist told me not to, he wants me to have ZERO contact with him. That is really, really hard for me because of how I am. Of course, what I should try to remember is how my ex traumatized me after my mom died. I mean he started out crying and sorry. But the day after my mothers funeral I had a call from him that made me so angry I stormed out of the place I was at and just started walking and yelling. My boyfriend at the time, along with my best friend and my daughter had to come running after me, they had no idea what had happened. I won't even go into the details other than to say that I would never dream of yelling at someone the day after they buried their mother. Who does that????? I was so mad and hurt that I was shaking and after I was done yelling I couldn't even talk. It was horrible. My ex-mother-in-law did her own upsetting thing at my dad's house right after the funeral. Something that made everyone in the house look at her with shock. This is what I mean about her and him as well. He also caused unbelievable issues after my dad killed himself. I will go into that at some other time. Let's just say, they both caused so much discontent in my life and leave it at that.

  So....I am not really sure how I feel about all of this. I am sad, I DO know that. No matter what problems we had, I did love and care about her. I cannot imagine how things are going to be without her in our lives. 

That is the end of that chapter in my life. I will no longer have any contact with anyone else in that family from now on. The rest of them are not important to me in the least, well I do care about a couple, but the rest....well I am done. My kids are as well. She was the only connection we all had to each other and that connection is now gone. Rest in Peace.

I Cannot Believe I Finally Had That Bad Dream.

Well I have been waiting for this and it finally happened. Believe it or not, in all of these years, I have dreamed about my ex-husband a lot. None of the dreams were good or bad. Just dreams he was in....usually having to do with mundane things. Well finally after all of these years I actually had a bad dream starring "him". I never thought that would happen since we haven't be married in like 18 years. The dream I had involved him hitting me and me trying to get away from him, waiting for the police to come. It was creepy, he was creepy. He was trying to talk me into being cool and not doing anything, of course. He was all charming, but scary charming, threatening, pretty much as I remember him. As most dreams go, I don't remember much. But I do remember a child that I was trying to protect. I am thinking that my therapist could really do a number on figuring out where this is coming from. I, myself, am going over this in my mind and trying to figure out why now after all this time am I having a bad dream about him. I think part of it may be because of some books I've been reading are violent and have to do with someone's past and the heroine being helpless at the time things happened but yet fighting back. 

  The part about the child...well I think that has to do with something that my youngest daughter told me. About a memory that she is trying to expand on. It is not about her father but it is bothering her because she can't remember. Of course I am concerned, yet at the same time I have always been really good about determining when someone has been sexually abused. I don't think this is the case, but I do think that it is the actual "not being able to remember" that is really making her crazy. I think that it is a scary memory for her because she had been left alone by her oldest brother in an area of town that she was not familiar with. She wasn't supposed to be alone, my son's girlfriend was supposedly next to the car when she was in the car, but she doesn't remember seeing her. But I told her that it was possible that she was sitting down behind the car and she conceded that it was possible. It was nighttime and she was scared because she woke up alone in the car and didn't know where she was, she had been sleeping. So now I need to get with my son and talk to him about it. I am not sure if he will even remember this as this was many years ago when he was heavy into drugs. Which is where he was when this happened, buying drugs. I am also afraid of how he will feel if something, god forbid, did happen to his sister. I had to think about this a lot last night and realized that I HAD to talk to him for her sake. I know my son and he will be so devastated if anything did in fact happen to her, he would never forgive himself. They are both really close even though they are many years apart. I realized that I can't pick the feelings of one child over another. I have to talk to him and find out what happened that night. She remembers some other things about it that are more troubling and that is what I REALLY need to know for her sake. I hope that there is a simple explanation for what she remembers. For both of their sakes.

I wish other people understood what it was like to have PTSD!

Right now I am a cross between angry, sad, and disappointed. My youngest son, he's 21, and I just got into a huge fight. We are going to be short on the rent this month. Nothing I can do about it. I have to renew my disability so I got $30.00 less on this check and my son borrowed a good amount of money and apparently there is a problem with some of the things he charged on my card. He, or should I say I, was charged twice for a couple of things. So although he is going to pay me what he says he owes we are still going to be short, shorter than I thought we would be. I originally thought we were going to be around $5-$10 short....well now it's more like $50. The bank will pay the check I'm sure. But it is stressful, especially since my son thinks his unemployment is about to run out. Unfortunately I am doing the best I can to pay bills, of course, they will all cost me more now because I will overdraw my account several times over. 

  If that isn't bad enough my son decides that my daughter needs to give me back my car so I can go back to work. I had to tell him again that that is not why I'm not working. I told him that I actually CAN'T go to work. Then he starts yelling about how hard it was when he was working and everyone was getting on his case and how I was telling him that he was going to lose his job if he kept calling in sick. Oh yeah, did I mention that my son has never been able to hold a job for more than about 6-8 months. He said that I didn't care that he was having a hard time. His hard time was people getting on his case at work. I told him that he doesn't understand that THIS isn't like that. My PTSD is not the same as a usual depression. He doesn't understand. I wish he did, I wish everyone did. It's not his fault, but it's frustrating. My therapist says that this disability is not one you can see, like a limp so it is hard for people to understand that the injury is inside and doesn't show on the outside.

  People think that if you are disabled then you shouldn't be able to walk or function at all. Well PTSD is different. You can function in certain areas, sometimes for a while. But that doesn't mean that it's easy. My son has no idea the trauma that I've been through. I'm certainly not wanting to sit him down and tell him all of the horrible things that his dad did to me to bring me to this point. He doesn't understand at all what was inflicted on me by his father, not to mention other traumas before and after I was married to him. Then I get to listen to my son yelling at me and threatening not to give me any of the money he owes me so that he can find a place to live. Because where he's living in literally HELL to him??????!!!!!!!( We live in a nice apartment by the way so this is about living with me and his sister) That boy has no clue what it is like to live in hell. His father left the house when my son was 3, he doesn't know what it was like living with his dad, the older kids know more as they received their own unfair share of abuse. Not to mention that none of the kids know everything that was done to me at their dad's hands. I mean truly you don't sit down and tell your kids these things. Talk about hurting them. So instead I get to be berated by my own child for being paralyzed from working at the job that I currently have because it triggers panic attacks that he's never seen me have. To almost faint, tremble, alternate between being flushed to having all of the color drain from my face. To feel like I'm going to die. Seriously, he's never seen this, he's never seen me at my job. His sister and brother saw me at the concert where I freaked out....whether my oldest son realized what was going on I don't know. I know that those who saw me were quite surprised to see a side of me that they had never seen before. One that I don't want to ever show again. My oldest daughter knows exactly what it is like to work at the job I have, because she also works where I work and she loathes it. The stress is more than anyone should be subjected to at a job. Truly.

I told my son, as he slammed out the door, that he doesn't even realize what I do for him. He's living in my place, he has nowhere to go. I didn't even charge him rent for quite awhile and he's 21. I just started charging him recently. He doesn't think he should have to pay as much because he sleeps on the sofa many of the nights unless his sister is gone and then he sleeps in her bed. She's gone a lot because her job is far away so it's easier for her. If either of them were actually out on their own, paying a roommate, they'd be splitting all of the bills three ways. Which what they pay me is no where close to 1/3 of the rent, not to mention the other bills and food. He doesn't even get that. I don't think he has ever appreciated anything that I've ever done for him. He just makes me feel like I'm a bad mom to him, that I don't understand what he's going through. Trust me I've tried and tried. There is only so much I can do to help. I am not going to go out and find him a job. I have recommended jobs to him but there is always an excuse as to why he can go to an interview or to even apply. I bought him nice clothes, he either gave them away to his friends and didn't get them back or he lost them. I can't afford to help him anymore. Soon I am going to have to make the tough choice and put him out I think. I mean his life here is SO terrible, according to him. I can imagine how many people would be grateful to have a roof over their head, a computer to use, DVD's to watch, and food in their bellies. But my son....oh it's hell. I know he's depressed and I'm sorry for that. I would be depressed too if I were him, but I also know that much of this is a byproduct of his own actions. I can't seem to get this through his head and since he has NO common sense he's not going to find out on his own.  It's a mess. 

  The way my son just talked to me hurt me so badly. He truly has no clue what I am going through. It's like "Oh mom just doesn't want to go to work".....I have worked for most of my life, I've held 2 jobs, more than once. It hurts me so badly that those closest to me don't understand what I feel or even give me the benefit of the doubt, which honestly....almost re-traumatizes me.

Why, oh why, do people think like this?

So today I was browsing the day's news on the internet, as I tend to do, and I was reading an article about David Carradine who died from auto-erotic-asphyxiation a year or so ago. Just for those who do not know what this is, it is
the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating. Now it is truly sad that his wife who was left behind has to deal with this, she loses her husband to something that maybe she had no idea he was in to. But one of the worst things to me, and I've heard it before, is the people (mainly men) who spout off on messages boards and say "well, if she was a good wife".....OMG! I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that. Seriously, I hear that all of the time about cheating husbands. That if only his wife had been a good wife he wouldn't go looking anywhere else. Please define "good wife" for me. Tiger Woods' wife looked like she was a good wife, beautiful, took care of her home and her children. I imagine that she took pretty good care of Tiger too. Same with Sandra Bullock. From all sources close to her and Jesse James it seems as though she was the "perfect wife". Now I don't believe in "perfect" anything. But I think blaming cheating on the spouse who was cheated on is a cop out. Not to mention the fact that research shows that men cheat for various reasons but one of the biggest is self-esteem issues. Oh, you may say, if she was a good wife he shouldn't have self-esteem issues. Let me tell you from personal experience I did anything and everything to make my husbands life a happy one. I built him up as much as one can do and not lie. I gave him pretty much every thing he ever asked for and did anything for him.  I was a W-O-M-A-N, I brought home the bacon, cooked it up in a pan, and never let him forget he was a man. But he STILL cheated. 

It is really funny that when a man cheats it's because he's not getting his "needs" met at home. When a woman cheats, she's a whore. Seems pretty unfair to me. When I think about my marriage, by the "good wife/husband..." standard I realize that I'm the one who SHOULD have been cheating because MY needs weren't being met and that is the truth in all it's painful reflection. The man was abusive and cruel. And as far as the bedroom goes, truth be told I didn't have even ONE orgasm the whole time I was with him. And that was for a lot of years. I mean it's no wonder...I cannot tell you how many times I'd say "ow, that hurts" because of something that he was doing or if he was being too rough and his response was "no, it doesn't". Really? It doesn't? When did he slip into my skin and was able to feel how I was feeling. Not to mention that if you have to ASK if your partner had an orgasm, chances are......nope. He may have asked, but he didn't really care what the answer was as long as he got what he wanted. But I never, ever made him feel bad about any of it. I was a very good partner. Too bad I didn't have a good partner myself when I was with him. 

You may think that this doesn't have anything to do with PTSD, but it does. When you have PTSD everything associated with the trauma can be triggered. I was in a long term marriage that was trauma filled. When you are married to an abuser, chances are you will suffer from PTSD. It doesn't have to be violent either to be traumatic. There are so many ways to be abused. Here is what an abusive relationship looks like courtesy of Michael J. Formica, a Social Scientist and Educator via "Psychology Today"...

"Well, it's not always about being slapped around. Abusive relationships come in all forms along with physical abuse - social abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse (we are not referring here to molestation), financial abuse, etc. Abuse is about a dynamic of extremes, domination and submission. It is about giving and withholding, also in the extreme."

  So think about that if you know someone who fits any of this parameters. Abuse is a ripe breeding ground for PTSD. I believe in trying to keep marriages together, especially if you have children. But if you are being abused and you have a partner who won't get help....then you need to walk away before you find YOURSELF writing a blog like this one....

Wow, that was a surprise that threw me for an emotional loop.

Well here I was spending the day reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", a very long book that is being made into a movie, when low and behold I read a rape scene that was very much what I experienced myself. To say that it threw me is an understatement. Although, I wish I could have had the revenge that the girl had in the book, it was sweeeeeeeeet! 

  So damn if I don't get PTSD triggers from something so mundane. God knows I will have to tell my doctor and then he will want to delve into the rape. We've talked about it before but haven't gotten has far as we could in discussing it. I think he senses that I'm not altogether ready to talk about all of the details. I speak about it in an un-emotional way right now, like it was just something that happened, like skinning my knee while riding my bike. It is a part of my defense mechanism I guess. Keep the feelings at a distance. Brick them up behind a wall that no one can access. Of course my wall does not discriminate, everything seems to go behind it. It protects my heart. My heart is walled off in the middle and there is a barrier around it, all of my stuff goes in the area between the barrier and the wall. It is weird to describe it.

  Anyone who experiences trauma finds a way to deal with it. Some create "alters" which are other personalities, which is quite rare. Some of us find other ways to deal with it, forget about it or let it remain front and center in our lives. Me, I tried to put it all behind me and lock it up. Well the problem with that is that I put everything behind that wall the good as well as the bad so that I have a hard time feeling joy as well as sorrow. It really sucks not to be able to feel. It has to be a SERIOUS and very strong feeling for me to feel it. Anger is an easily accessible emotion, that is what my therapist told me...it's a kind of "go to" emotion for me. 

  I was triggered to anger a little over a year ago. I was at a concert with some of my closest friends, and a couple of my kids, when I got into a fight with a woman after the show. It was really stupid and I didn't do anything to provoke it. The woman was drunk and basically thought I had stolen something from her that she couldn't find after the show. She kept telling me that she wasn't accusing me yet she kept asking me if she could look in my purse. The more she asked the angrier I got. I had started off helping her look for the item that she lost. Well when she accused me it was a trigger for my PTSD, which took on the form of an anger bordering on rage. I tried walking away from her and she kept following me so I started yelling at her. This is not normally something that I would do, I was ready to punch her in the face. I am not a violent person but the trigger was there and I fired with some pretty angry words. Had she touched me I don't know what I would have done and that scares me. I never realized that what she did was a trigger. It goes back to my ex-husband who would accuse me of stuff that I didn't do. He would badger me relentlessly, keeping me awake all night until I "confessed", which I would sometimes do just because I was so tired and exhausted. It was a form of torture I realize now. My therapist is the one who made me realize that the whole incident was a trigger. 

  It really sucks to have triggers all around you. It is probably why I don't leave the house much anymore. I've lost most of my friends. Not in a bad, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" way, but because I don't go anywhere anymore. Part of the reason is truly financial and other normal reasons, but I don't even talk on the phone with my friends anymore. I am sure they are tired of my life being such a downer but also because I probably don't have a lot to contribute anymore. I mean I don't go anywhere or do anything other than mundane things. I don't like leaving the house because I feel safe at home and don't want to encounter a "trigger" that may get me into trouble. 

  Through therapy I should be able to get through this and have a more normal life again. I miss my life so much. I used to have so much fun for a few years and then slowly I started moving back downhill again. The job at the Call Center just pushed me over the edge. Now I am hoping to get through this and find myself again. I am so much fun when I'm not wallowing in despair....really I am.....lol 

Another Day of therapy with hope on the horizon.

Went to see my therapist today, as I do every Tuesday. Wasn't sure what to really talk about as I didn't really feeling like anything was happening in my life to talk about. Other than the fact that my disability at work was approved for another few months. It will give me time for more therapy and it will keep my job secure which is THE most important thing right now.

  I told my therapist about this blog and he thought it was a great idea. He was asking me about creative things that I do and I mentioned that I used to draw all of the time. My whole life when I was a kid was all about art and drawing. I took art and drama classes in high school. I took Creative Writing classes in college. Always got A's in these classes. He asked why I didn't do art anymore and I told him about how I had drawn a picture for my now ex-husband, let's call him M. Anyway I drew a picture for M's birthday when we were dating and had it matted. What I drew was not normally what I would have drawn, but it was something that he liked so I worked hard on it for him as a gift. When I gave it to him he was mean about it, he didn't like it and made fun of it. It was the last time I drew anything meaningful other than to doodle. He crushed my spirit by not appreciating it in the least. My therapist told me that more abuse and he asked me if I had tried to draw at all after that. I told him that I did try, but my heart was no longer in it. Years ago after I had gotten divorced I told my mother how I didn't draw anymore or write and she was shocked. I told her that I just wasn't any good and that just blew her mind. Not long after that she sent me a sketch pad and some poems that I had written. I looked at them and starting crying, ""  I really did have talent"  I cried to her on the phone. She said that she had sent these items to me to remind me of who I was.

  My therapist who I will call Dr. H, asked me about my hopes and dreams. He asked me what dreams I have for myself right now. He told me to imagine myself 30 years from now. He wanted me to tell him what I regretted that I hadn't done from the age that I am right now. He said the past is gone so what am I not doing right now that I would regret when I'm in my 70's. That was not an easy question. So it took awhile and I told him about regretting staying in a job where I'm not happy. So we discussed what I would like to be doing right now. So after a few false starts I mentioned something that I had already attempted to do but never got around to it. It is something creative, which was always my passion. We discussed ways in which I could achieve that goal. He also told me that when I was talking to him my eyes lit up when sharing all of my ideas. He said that I'm here and that is my true self. There is hope for me. He gave me an assignment related to what I want to do. I'm not sure that I will be able to do it as it requires me to leave my house which isn't easy these days as I am having to share my car with my daughter right now. But if it's possible I will do as much of it as I can. It is a challenge for me as that is part of what my problem is....great ideas, no motivation to do them. But having a goal or assignment may be the push that I need.

  One of the things that Dr. H taught me about PTSD is the fact that those of us who are creative are more susceptible to trauma. When you have PTSD the trauma is stuck on the creative side of our brain and needs to be moved over to the logical side. That is not an easy thing to do. There is actually a therapy for that called EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing . We have thought about trying it but I am not ready yet and he isn't pushing it. If you have a chance to look it up it is quite interesting and does work in many case and there are many ways to go about it. Here is a link:
http://www.emdr.com/ 

   I also looked at some other blogs today and saw how professional they are. Damn! I'll be lucky if anyone looks at mine.lol But if at least one person reads this and gets something out of it I will be happy. One of the reasons why I started this blog was to hopefully help others to know that they are not alone and that there is help out there. Maybe even help via this blog. We shall see I suppose.

  A quick side note, I changed my font to a larger size. If you are reading this and think it was a mistake, please let me know and I can change it back. I just thought it might be easier to read....especially if you are older like me. :)  ***


***OK so I realized that I could edit my posts, duh, so I edited my first post in this blog so that the font IS larger and easier to read...:-)